Deep pain despite good stuff going on…

Dear readers,

I am in deep emotional pain again but decided to be proactive and get out of my dungeon and see people soI am at Starbucks bloggingg my pain.  I feel numb despite all the good I shared about yesterday.   Today I would like to share that pain…

My mom has always been my harshest critic and I actually found out later in life from my dad why;  she never wanted to have children.  me and my two siblings were adopted from a young age and it was my dad who wanted us and forced my mother to go along with the decision.  Well, it finally made sense as I had always felt unloved and unwanted by her and despite by how much I tried I could never please her and I can’t to this day.

Somehow I have managed to not be like her at all at many levels including wanting all three of my children (actually for but one died) and I fight being negative like her with every vein in my body at times.  My kids all feel loved and wanted and my husband when he really wants to piss me off calls me by my mom’s name.  I say it to him too at times but he says it doesn’t bother him but I know it does as it is usually said when he is being too critical.

Well with all that in mind, the loss of my mom as I knew her does not make me wish or pray that she would be made well again and criticize me again the way she did up to a month ago before her first stroke.  No, I prefer that she forgets but she is difficult to be around because her negativity is manifesting through her stroke symptoms.  I like to go see her when her favorite game shows are on so she doesn’t drill me about how her life once was as she cannot remember where she lived, who with etc…

I am suffering from cognitive dissonance in my brain and it is very tiresome.  Nothing helps really although I did see my therapist yesterday which was helpful but still did not fix anything.  My whole body and brain is numb right now as I resist the desire to just call my mom and get some sort of support from her who is the cause of this discomfort, which I know she can’t provide.

When we used to go for walks she would be more upbeat and less negative in her talking with me as she would point out birds, and interesting things about the neighborhood.  I miss those times and the times when I could tell her things that made her happy like when I got my Master’s Degree and was working in a job that supported my degree.

I have actually thought about telling her a bunch of lies to please her but couldn’t posibly but perhaps I should make up lies about her life so that her new memories are happier???  That her children are all perfect, that her marriage was too, that she was the best mom ever, those sorts of things…  Not sure if I will but it is a thought.

I am in so much pain right now that my body aches with grief.  It is hard to type as I have no energy despite much caffeine and a good night’s sleep.  Everything is an effort and I don’t feel like doing anything right now except go back to bed.

anyway I just wanted to get this out to the universe.  I love my mom but I can’t stand talking to her.  She may not have long to live and part of me is glad for that but I pray that she goes to heaven and that when we all go home we will be reunited happily with no negativity as on earth.

 

My Therapist believes that my upbringing was a huge factor to me developing Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder.  I still believe it was a gift but that in this gift the suffering that surrounds me and my confusing mind does not end, no cease to haunt me even with her tucked away safely at the hospital.

U gave much to do but no desire to do any of it.  I am grieving and the pain I feel is not a delusion although my Schizophrenia is at risk for returning due to all this stress.  The good news is that my sister is handling all the medical stuff and her house stuff and soon will handle all her financial stuff although my name along with my brother’s will be on the account.  I don’t want her money.  I just want her back, but then when I think about it I don’t.  Oh God cease my pain and angst over this cognitive dissonance soon.  I feel with time it will lessen but for now I will just suffer and smile as much as I can as all the people around me do not know my suffering and its great deep level.

Peace to all of you.  I know I will get through this as I am a fighter and will never give up until I am dead and then I will spend my time in heaven helping people on earth the way my grandmother is doing.  Oh, God hear my cries of pain and come to my aid.  Help me to not obsess over the loss of my mom which is actually a blessing in many ways.  For now I come to you Jesus and pray you will help me to be there for my dear daughter who was just diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and who needs me right now to be ok.  Because she has her own pain and angst at times when she is in the depressed state.  Help me to be there for my sons and husband who is back to his old self with many demands right now which takes all of me to even begin to do like taxes and debt relief programs….

Thank thank you Jesus through Mary,

Pax

Victoria

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