Teaching high, then humble pie

Dear readers-

completed my second week of teaching and I absolutely love it! There is a mix of students from elementary level to advanced and everything in between! I love especially reading papers.

I get such pleasure teaching sociology to these inquisitive minds.

But then at an as meeting the other night I shared and really felt bad today when I read my bible reading and realized I had perhaps made it seem like I believed all roads lead to heaven.

i can’t go back and change what I said but I will share here that I believe in the gospel wholeheartedly but that the God of my understanding is compassionate and merciful and who are we to judge another’s faith or lack thereof!

we all were created in the likeness of God and He wants our hearts and to commune with Him but many people have been hurt by religion or people and are unable to accept the concept of God or faith even which is a gift and I have been given this gift!

so everyone if they are sincere to know the truth ought to ask God. The Universe or Mother Earth to show them the way!

there I am done and I send this message out to all with peace and love!

sorry I haven’t recorded my podcast but very focused on this class and my recovery.

i am doing better now than ever and thank God for my recovery from my past relapse and not wanting to live.

have come so far from just six months ago!

i know God forgives me for my wrongs but I want to do more and this is my start!

pax

victoria

Finding balance

Dear readers,

Finding balance means many things to me as I am still striving for it on a day to day basis!

take today for instance, I was at a baby shower for a special lady and thoroughly enjoyed speaking with an old friend.

I don’t get out too much these days and it was great but as I walked through the clubhouse I walked past a pool and saw a seat. My first thought was I want to sit there and commune with the Divine…

but I knew I needed to get back to the delightful party. And now as I am alone and in solitude I yearn for that company again.

I feel so wishy washy in my desires but have come to realize that The Divine wants both from me so I need to be content in whatever situation I find myself!

i am doing so well these days and the support from my daughter is key. I start working Tuesday and am prepared and eager to begin! With the teaching salary and disability coming in I should be caught up soon on the debt we incurred the past few years when I couldn’t work at all!  It is a huge needed relief and to God I am eternally grateful!

lesson learned to continue to pray for balance in all my affairs!

pax

Victoria

How many books can I read at one time? Answer to follow

Dear readers,

So I must start with this post that prior to this new medicine regimen I wasn’t able to read anything which was very saddening because I love to read.  I love books, old and new.  The old ones smell musty and sometimes old and moldy (gross), and the new ones have a very fresh off the press feel and smell which excites me because all books have value I believe and now I am literally obsessed with certain subjects but am also open to any new ideas especially concerning religions and philosophy.

For example my nutritionist just recommended a new book to me, The Power of Habit- Why we do what we do in life and business,  which I bought on Amazon for $15 which is more than I like to spend on a book.  But the topic is relevant as I try to develop better habits, eating sleeping, working out and more.  I actually don’t like spending anything at all using book mooch website to send and receive books and the library for many subjects which interest me along with books I pick up for cheap on Amazon.  I also just received a book I will reviewing shortly on the memoirs of a gentleman with schizophrenia (over 700 pages) but it already has me into it as his insights into every day life back to the 80’s is very interesting and engaging.

This is fun!  My only complaint is that now that I have my life back again I don’;t have enough time to spend reading all the books I am currently reading which is about 15.  I am not ordering any new books right now but did pick up 5 more at the local library and will see which one of them or all of them makes it into my daily reading practice.

I seem to have gotten into a fairly good morning routine of meditation over coffee, daily meditations on Catholic and Buddhist philosophy and often writing my letters to the Divine which is where I now journal as a form of prayer.

So how many books are you reading right now?  Anybody beat mine not that I am being competitive at all but would like to know if I am just obsessing or if this is normal in the grand scheme of things.

The last book I would like to share with you which was printed in the 1800’s which i got recently from my parents is the Book of Thought which covers quotes, origins of common phrases on many topics ranging from religion, knowledge and everything before, after and in between.  I am also using it in my class I am teaching starting Tuesday.  Been working on my syllabus all day and needed to take a break to blog and (read a little).

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!  Tonight Mass and tomorrow baby shower and other than that just working on my syllabus, reading and tomorrow hopefully swimming at my awesome gym and sauna + jaccuzzi.

Hip is doing better now so must try out swimming again and see if it is a form of exercise that works for me but I hate the whole process of getting wet and changing so we shall see how the Divine leads as I do pray for His guidance every day.

Pax

Victoria

The Promised link about my gift of suffering for the Divine

Greetings readers, old and new!

I greet you in the name of the Divine which I have recently decided to call the God of my understanding.  I wish to offend no one by my faith which is Catholic with Buddhist philosophy interspersed with my belief system.  I am finding great interest in Eastern spirituality but more on that later….

I am now on a new forum which will be forwarded if you are one of my followers in the near future or you can go here to sign up for the new site.  This new site features my new book, Suffering, Loving God and Being in His will for all, and also has my caveat, blog, information about CureSZ of which I am donating a profit of all book sales and some more information about me.

New site

I am starting a new teaching job next week so posts will be on the fly or when I get a chance to breathe but either way around it I am grateful for the opportunity again to be working, although I know all my last few years have been profitable for my soul, finding myself again and going through numerous med changes.  I am now on a new regimine which is Risperdal, Latuda, Klonapin, and Lexapro for my Schizoaffective Disorder diagnosis.  But now I get to try again and try I will but know that it may not be the Divine’s will for me.  But I have faith to move mountains that His perfect will will be done!

To read more about The Gift that I feel God bestowed upon me at age 36 in 2006 click on this older post that describes it in detail:

Prayed to be able to suffer and God does not disappoint

Hope everyone has a fabulous day and weekend.  I will be working on my first podcast because I also believe in the power of the spoken word and getting ready to teach my Sociology 101 class!

Feel free to email me at anytime at victoria@schizophreniarecovery.us or victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will respond as I am able or leave a comment if that is easier.  Again, thank you for all your support.

I pray for all of you, please do the same as you are led.  He wants us all to   “Have it all” as Jason Mraz sings, not things but peace, serenity and joy even though we live with this debilitating disorder.

Pax

Victoria

Technology did not defeat me…

It’s late but this won’t post till tomorrow…
Posting from a new WordPress account so still working out the kinks!

Today was an upsetting day! I have been doing so well I forget I have a mental disorder and that I’m human too!!!

Sensitive to a fault, ocd run wild with preparing for new class I will be teaching and sad to say but still judgemental in certain situations!

I will never be fully cured and I just realized I have been disassociating again! My reality today was tested in a big way and I am still trying to figure out The Divines purpose for this stark reality.

That being written what matters most is that I choose today to stop focusing on my perceived sinful thoughts and actions and choose to believe that there is a reason for everything in this life but that I must not take life too seriously as I often do!

Does any of this make sense to anyone out there or am I unique in my quandaries? I prefer the first rather than the latter… just sayin’

Peace to you all and if this post doesn’t make it then so be it!

Well it made it so success.  I will not give up even on technology!

As an added side note I have been very scrupulous lately, feeling extreme guilt about every little thing.  This has plagued me since childhood and I have come in and out of it.  I feel the devil may be attacking me in this area now that I am doing better because God does not like us to be overly critical about our sins or perceived sinfulness.  His precious blood covers a multitude of benefits so please say a prayer for me that I will stop feeling guilty or solve if there is an issue in my life I need to change….

Hope you all have an awesome day!  I won’t give up!

Pax
Victoria

Got my permanent disability at long last!

After 5 years it finally went through and I will still be able to teach my class and keep my benefits!   Can I get a woo hoo? Thanks for all the support, comments and encouragement along the way!

Stay tuned for my first podcast coming soon! Haven’t heard back yet from Jason Mraz about using his music but God’s will will be done!

Pax

victoria

Love is the answer

In all things I do may love be at the forefront of all I do…

for the Divine

for my loved ones, especially my parents, husband and three children

I must love in deed and word

Ignoring my disorder as it causes me to go from project to project without thinking about God and all that is good.

I feed myself with spiritual readings on Eastern philosophies, Catholic teachings especially about Mary who was God’s greatest gift to this world.

Mothers are so special that even God wanted one and it is through her that we have our redemption.  She is perfect and from her I learn how to love.

What has precipitated this post is a situation that caused me much distress within my marriage.  But I asked Mary for guidance and she does not fail to go to the Father who art in heaven and present my needs.  Things are much better now that I was able to be honest with him about my needs.  The Divine is so good and wants good for us all through His love for Mankind and all that he hopes for us to realize in this lifetime!

Pax

Victoria

I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.

Goodnight

As usual pax,

Victoria

Letter to long-time favorite musician…

Dear readers,

Today is going to be a different type of post as I feel led by God…

I am going to write a letter to Jason Mraz, an amazing sonwriter and artist among other things but most importantly my spiritual guide through his music, although he would never know and I did not know until a few minutes ago on his live Youtube video, see link at end of letter if interested in more about him (still trying to figure out how to post this, it should be there shortly).

I will start my letter with a Sanskrit mantra to greet him and make the request for permission to play his music on my podcasts, featuring I’m yours  for the Intro i won’t give up and Have it all for the closing.  I don’t want anything else from him except to never stop making music and a box of Avocados from Mraz farm lol seriously I want the avocados…

Om Namah Shivaya

(I honor the divinity which resides within me is it’s translation)

Jason,

Words cannot do justice what your music has meant to me since I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006.  I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and I guess He took me seriously because I was at Mass on Easter vigil that year when it came upon me.  Suddenly, fiercely and unceasingly.  I started receiving urgent messages from God and they haunted me even when I was sleeping.  I heard the voice of Jesus on one occasion and of Mary on another and that was the extent of my voices but constant thought insertion along with believing I was very special which is hard to talk about.

So where does your music come in?  I really don’t know exactly but I have to be hones that the first song I heard of yours, “Beautiful Mess” didn’t do anything for me.  My daughter who introduced me to it thought it was the greatest but I was like, nah not for me.

Fast-forward several years and after I felt suicidal, dark and despairing I heard the song, “I won’t give up”.  It became my mantra and is still special to me to this day because I haven’t given up.  Much suffering has been in my life due to my disability and there is a lot in between but right now I want to get to the good part.

I love to read and stumbled rather feel was led by God through auspicious events to purchase a book called Sadhana (Way to God) through spiritual exercises.  Well I am not one who always follows things in the order presented but for some reason I embarked upon the first exercise which was to sit, just sit in silence for ten minutes.  Well I wish I could say I did the ten but was distracted by my dogs who are my frequent company.  I did about 5, so half is good and during that silence all I could think or the idea that was presented to me was, “I want you to have it all.”  It was not your music although I have listened to that song since it first came out every day and it just came on on my Spotify which is very fitting don’t you think?

The Divine want us all to Have it all, not mini storage containers as things and fame and money are fleeting as I know you know…. but He wants us all to possess peace and joy and serenity and let me take a deep breath, been doing a lot this week especially during your movie I saw last night with 4 people in the theater but I sang and danced in my chair!  So I enjoyed every minute with my dear daughter who has been with me throughout my whole mental disorder journey to recovery which is now in full force.  I start teaching in two weeks a Sociology 101 class at our local community college.  How fun will that be to inspire young minds in the classroom again.  But I will spare all the details of my last half a year since February 2018 when I was suicidal and reached out for help to my daughter….So much good and hard times again through it all, ah but such is life no?  Ups and downs, joy and sadness ever fleeting.

I didn’t mention it but I published a book about a portion of my recovery from a mental disorder which took 8 years to write and was published in January 2018.

See schizophreniarecovery.us to learn more about my book which journals my recovery.

Profits of my book which will be the subject of some of my podcasts will go to CureSZ who is run by a friend of mine of whom I have become quite close.  Excitedly I will meet her in September in San Diego, first time face to face!  And your concert in September also.  Love watching you perform, not because of the music or songs, those are great too, but rather your enthusiasm and the God-given talent you possess in your face and expressions during the songs.  Sorry if that’s weird but positivity is contagious!

So I will close with this and await your answer to my request to play, excerpts of “i’m Yours”, “I won’t give up” and “Have it All” for all my podcasts.

Me in a nutshell- A Catholic Buddhist (is that possible) married woman (26 years since 1992), mother of three wonderful and amazing children of whom all love me very much and each support me in their own way), a teacher now after years being unable to work, and a person with Schizoaffective Disorder.  I list that last because I do not allow it to define me, after all I prayed for suffering and God does not disappoint!  Only after great pain can one know great joy and I am so very blessed these days but feel the urgency to get my book out there and so be it.  Amen!

Thank you if you actually read this, I await your answer and my box of avocados lol

Humbly,

Pax

Victoria

Which is just my pen name due to my husband’s request for my anonymity.  If you could please keep him in your thoughts for peace for all in this world.

Thank you Jason.  I truly have it all and need nothing more than your permission!

 

 

It’s Monday may my alchemical journey begin…

Dear readers,

Even though I am tired this Monday morning I feel God guiding me on a transformative journey but let me back up to this weekend…

I finally finished my fifth step in na this weekend (to share my wrongs with another) as I found myself in the confessional with my humble but wise confessor. I hid my 4th step in my bosom and chose to go the route of private confession behind a veil so I would not be recognized.

As I read my difficult 4th step which I have admitted to no one before I didn’t feel anything. I asked for comments after reading it and received a loving non judgmental answer and practical ways to overcome my sin.

After the absolution was prayed this dear priest who I consider to be Jesus in each sacrament said to me, “pray for help to find out who you really are”. Of which I was slightly offended at.

But God does not let us down when we are actively seeking His will and throughout Sunday till this moment I have discovered I don’t really know myself as the priest suggested.

Sunday came and I don’t know why but I felt unsettled despite my morning and afternoon practice of spiritual reading and prayer with meditation.

I felt led to buy some books from a dear friend who used to have a book store particularly seeking books on Buddhism which I feel drawn to study eastern philosophy. As we sorted through her books in her dusty shed from a cardboard box of books I picked out some books on Buddhism and also picked out a book called “vein of gold” which is a creative book full of exercises on how to discover who you are. The first exercise was writing by long hand 3 pages every day on anything going on in your mind. Well I started right away and it revealed much!

I picked it up this morning after my morning practice and was blown away by the first few lines. I had to look up the word alchemy as it was used in a way describing the book and this journey I am about to embark on in an unknown context. It means transformation which I didn’t even know I needed!

I thank God for this wonderful journey I am on called life as more is revealed through the universe, nature, people and books. I pray for wisdom from the Holy Spirit to continue to guide me in all I do particularly with my work and the promotion of my book.

I shall share more as much as I feel led anyway but it is very personal so we shall see.

I plan to do my first podcast this week so that is exciting as when I blog or talk I find I am also learning who I am. Yesterday I read my past 5 of 6 blogs and how far I have come since February 18 of this year! I was suicidal and at the deepest dark moment of my life but I have heard that without great pain one cannot know great joy!!! So I am terribly joyful these days and don’t have words to describe my gratitude to my Creator who made heaven and earth!

Pax

Victoria