There is a season for all things and my season for depending on things to satisfy me has ended, I hope. I am finally nicotine free, sugar free and shopping free ha ha. I rely on God to get me through the tough times and right now they are plenty.
As I have shared with you all, I am now teaching at our local community college and I already got a complaint! Can’t see my boss until Tuesday after class to find out what the “concerns” are but trying not to think about it too much as that will only cause me more angst and unhappiness but it is hard because I want to keep this job and serve the students well. Your will Lord…
Also have a student who plagiarized her paper. Have to deal with that this week as well which just isn’t pleasant at all. I hate confrontations. And she is not the easy type of person to correct so I am expecting some drama.
I felt led to seek out a new therapist who I see tomorrow to help me deal with some negative childhood issues which keep cropping up and are part of the reason why I seek after unhealthy alternatives to deal with my emotions. Now that I am smober (nicotine free), I no longer have this crutch to deal with my strong emotions of feeling rejection and sadness over things I cannot control. Excited to be working with someone again. And the cool part is that her office is in Solvang so going to go early and stay late and soak up some sun and culture while I am there in one of my favorite cities along the Central Coast.
I met my dear friend, Bethany Yeiser last weekend in San Diego and it was awesome but too short. Her mom said a prayer before we ate our food which was very touching and made me cry. I cried because of the miracle we have both been through and we are both doing great now after such long periods of difficulties from our disorders. We have skyped since our visit and have had a chance to speak more at length about the good bad and ugly! Hope to continue this friendship and we might even both be speaking in San Francisco in the upcoming months! This will be my first time sharing my story at a public level. As to the podcasts we’ll see if they ever appear, should probably just go for it but it’s hard as I want to be at a perfect state of being which I know will never happen but keep seeking after….
We shall see!
Hope everyone has a great Sunday!
Hope you are all doing well! I have been having some weird physical symptoms and thought I might have to cancel my plans to finally meet my long time far away friend Bethany Yeiser founder of CureSZ in San Diego where she is speaking.
But I am fine now and am getting up early to leave so I can meet my special priest in La, which was an after thought showing much improvement with my Schizoaffective Disorder symptoms! Prior to this year I would thought about it immediately but this time it was like, heck it’s on the way so let’s see if he is available and he is! No messages for him from God anymore, just a good old-fashioned visit to look forward to see two very special friends.
I will blog my visits when I get back and am also working with my new webmaster to get on this new blog format” likes and follows” as I don’t see it available.
Email me if I’m wrong or for anything else!
Have a great weekend as I plan to!
My class is really becoming enjoyable and it is nice to have a job again but I will save those details for another blog another day.
I believe He does at times and other times he let’s us flail around a little in order for us to figure things out for ourselves too.
Life lately has been interesting. Been discovering new problems in areas I haven’t had problems for a while, work, relationships and finding time for myself to just blog, write in my journal or play with my pups.
Tonight I opted out of going out to dinner with the family because I was tired and didn’t want to eat pizza (did I just say that?). I’ve just been eating so healthy lately that I don’t want all that in my system as I know it would wreak havoc the next day.
But back to my posited question above. I believe God is ever present but at times we feel His presence more than at other times. I forget about Him at times and can’t be in prayer all day anymore but I believe to my very core that He never forgets about us….
I think that goes against His nature, which is Divine, and I am not.
Lately, I have been rediscovering my relationship with my daughter. I am doing so well these days that I don’t need her constant support anymore. This is great but I am asking The Divine for help as we figure out new roles.
I am exhausted tonight but wanted to blog about this as I know we, especially with mental illness, often wonder why we have to suffer so. I will blog more about this soon as I am finding answers even as I type, but for now I’m going to take a bath, relax with my pups and get a good night’s sleep.
Tomorrow will be a busy day. Going to meet with two friends, take food to my mom, help my hubby with something, grade more papers which I enjoy, and see a new therapist who specializes in EMDR. Going to see if it helps me with my difficult childhood memories that keep going as I care for my mom, who is a very negative person and who I limit my contact with for my own sanity. Boundaries!
I want to get lost with the Divine!
But alas here I am cleaning up my dog’s mess in the morning and cooking food for a few days for my mom, who won’t eat unless I bring her food even though she is a multi-millionaire.
As I listen to this song “Let’s see what the night can do” by Jason Mraz I am reminded of my psychotic days when I ignored all else and got lost in God but in a very dysfunctional sense, writing prolifically, giving messages to priests, warning the world of impending doom and the like. Before the night brought me distress, now it brings me rest and I can feel refreshed and ready to start my day even if it includes yucky and tedious tasks like this morning.
Today it is very different. My recovery since February 2018 has been incredibly remarkable. First got back on old regimine of Risperdal, Latuda, Lexapro and the addition of Klonapin which helps my anxiety much more effectively than Attivan ever did. This got me back to a functional level of being able to work again and do many things, enjoyable and work related and even social although I still prefer my alone time.
If it weren’t for people I would be a saint; or rather thanks to people I have the hope to become one. People test my patience and reality which allows me to improve upon my character defects or sin whatever is more comfortable for you. Patience, tolerance, love and compassion even for the most difficult people, it all will one day lead to my sanctification and with grace we can do much. I try not to hate my shortcomings but again and again I despise them until I realize that I need to accept them as part of who I am and not hate them so.
As I have started taking CBD oil full spectrum from GOTERPY, once again I see much improvement in my symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder. I don’t feel as if I am the most special person to ever live anymore and everyday things no longer always bore me. The mundane is even at times welcome as I now realize that we cannot be inspired all the time no matter how special we are which I Know emphatically we all are.
Another song by Jason Mraz which I listen to every day is “Have it all“. God wants us all to have it all, not material things but peace and love and joy and auspiciousness and success. Thank you Jason for this wonderful song which reminds of God’s plan for me to “Have it all” even with my diagnosis.
I have to share this as I stumbled upon it in the past few months and just realized recently that it is helping not only my bursitis in my hip but also my Schizoaffective Disorder.
I began taking it several months ago from GOTERPY
and stretching plus water therapy which helped the most but did not have long lasting effects.
I am now able to walk 2-3 miles a day again and have very little pain. thanks to taking this CBD oil.
So that’s great right? Well then after I have been doing some writing on my alchemical journey and rereading them I noticed a theme of lack of feeling like I was the most special person to ever live and also been able to teach and do many social events and gatherings like a person without this dastard disorder.
That is incredible! I attribute it to my new medicine regimin which I will keep up, Risperdal, Latuda, Lexapro and Klonopin and now half a dropper a day of the full spectrum CBD oil which does contain THC but does not get you high at all. I also use the roll on for my hip which is external CBD oil. The CBD oil full spectrum is $40 and the roll on for my hip is $25. They really last so it costs me about $50 a month for the oil and roll on. That is a small cost to pay for tremendous benefits with my hip and Schizoaffective disorder!
My cousin who runs GO TERPY had told me that it can help with Schizophrenia many months ago but I will never stop taking my antipsychotics because I never want to be suicidal again or at a place like that which is one of despair. So I will be taking this CBD oil the rest of my life along with my medications listed above.
There have been studies done about its benefits for psychosis but I wasn’t about to stop my meds and try it but after my hip injury and taking it I know for sure that the CBD oil is helping me to be more asymptomatic.
Try it and share with me if you try it in email or comments!
Dear readers old and new~
Hoping that today brings you light and peace on this restful Sunday!
Today I am going to discuss my spiritual journey because it is the Sabbath for me and I would love to have readers comment or send me an email on their own spiritual journey. I recognize we each have our own path to the unknown, for that is all that we know is that we truly do not know what happens when we die. Sorry to be morbid but these are my thoughts today-
- 1969 baptized into Catholic Church
- 1985 left the Catholic Church as it didn’t make sense and after asking a nun if she was going to heaven and her response was “I’m not sure” knew there was no hope for me who lied and stole and if a nun wasn’t sure, what reason was there to keep going to Mass?
- 1988- 1991 became a proclaimed Atheist, saddest time in my life to not believe in God. Was suicidal in my actions, jumping out of airplanes (with a parachute ha ha), living on the streets of New York, doing dangerous drugs and hanging out with the squatters, one of which died in a fire in the squat we lived in, which sent me home to mom and dad to the safety of California.
- Got clean and sober in 1991 through NA and after working the first two steps, one admitted I was powerless and that my life was unmanageable, step two, came to believe in a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity which I greatly needed. Chose the ocean because of its great power and vastness
- within a matter of days realized that God had made the ocean and came to believe in Him, great peace overcame me
- 1991, a busy year for my spiritual awakening, accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and began my chosen Christian life
- two weeks later met my husband (married now almost 27 years) and stopped going to church but God was still working in me as I soon found out
- 1994 after the birth of my second child became active in Protestant Church that bashed Catholicism and accepted this teaching and preached regularly for the salvation of all those who didn’t go to my church.
- 1999 after the birth of my third child my grandma who was Catholic her whole life got sick and I laid hands on her in prayer for a healing and afterwards presumptuously asked her if she had felt the love of God and she answered “yes, I have felt it many times” I was shocked at my own presumption that only Protestants could feel the love of God and it opened my heart in a new shocking but wonderful way. It is very sad when one feels that the rest of the world is going to hell
- 2000 after a series of events and reading my bible I accepted the Catholic faith for myself and am still a Catholic today.
- 2005 felt led to attend the Catholic Church in Guadalupe and met my first spiritual director, a beautiful pries with whom I still have a special love for today. Became intensely religious, wearing a veil at Mass, receiving Communion on my knees and began having extreme religious experiences which I still do not know today if this was the beginning of the earlysymptoms of Schizophrenia or true religious experiences but felt a closeness to God in a beautiful alive way that I had never experienced before
- 2006 after praying sincerely for to be able to suffer for Our Crucified Lord, received the gift of Schizophrenia during Easter Vigil Mass and began to receive many messages from God which involved much writing to priests especially my spiritual director who received them lovingly but was very concerned about some of the messages. But things weren’t working out and experienced immense suffering spiritually and physically and mentally.
- 2008 diagnosed myself with Schizophrenia which was confirmed by a team of doctors from UCLA which was later refined to Schizoaffective Disorder by my still psychiatrist in Santa Barbara and began anti-psychotic meds which I have and still do take faithfully to this day
- 2008- 2018 The messages ceased on medication but experienced extreme night of the soul where my belief in God was once again shaken. During this period relied on Mary and Jesus for spiritual comfort and peace which I received intermittently.
- 2016-2018 began to study Buddhism
- 2018 realized I couldn’t be a Catholic Buddhist so put the brakes on my studies of Buddhism although still find great peace in reading the Dali Lama’s words of wisdom
So that is a brief summary of my spiritual journey up till now. I know there are many ways to God and that everyone’s journey is different. God speaks to us through circumstances, suffering, joys and the like. We all have to pray to know His will for us, that we be in His holy perfect adorable will in all things and although I fall short am much better at learning His will for me.
May The Divine bless you and keep you in His will. I will share one prayer which I pray regularly which helps me to know His will for me each day.
Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of the faithful and enkindle in them the fire of Thy love.Send forth Thy Spirit and Thou shall be created and they shall renew the face of the earth.
Let us pray, Oh God by the light of the Holy Spirit grant us in the same Spirit to be truly wise and ever to rejoice in His consolations through the same Christ our Lord Amen
I would like to share something personal that I know will be appreciated
I have shared before that my dad had two strokes two years ago and almost died a few times. At one point I had planned to go on retreat with our local church and he took a turn for the worse and we thought he was going to die so I naturally cancelled the retreat. He has taken a turn for the worse lately mentally and part of it is I know because I don’t visit him as much and do the little bit of cognitive rehab I did for two years off and on as I was able. There is another retreat coming up in Alhambra (a silent retreat, how blissful) and I am planning on going with my daughter. Please pray if this is the Divines will. Thank you.
I have decided to release him now as his quality of life is next to nill but still go visit him on Sundays.
Well what I really wanted to share is a moment I shared with him this past Sunday. My son won the tournament so I went to see my dad twice on this day as I wanted to share with him the success of my son as we would always go watch him play and I knew it would mean a lot to him after my son won the tennis tournament.
After sharing with him we were just sitting there in silence for a while and I felt led to ask my dear father the question, “what does God want from me?” I was blown away by his answer.
He paused for a moment as if He were listening to the Divine and said. “He wants you to quit smoking, it will bite you in the behind one of these days”. I was astonished as I never vape in front of him and haven’t had a cig in a long time so don’t smell but I knew this was from God. I tried to quit that day but gave in and have still been vaping but have started taking an herb called abandon addiction and haven’t been vaping as much or even enjoying it. Taking the herb is a huge step but I feel that in the next few days I will quit and once again be in God’s will for me.
Isn’t that beautiful?
I had to share .
Bless you all!
Teaching is going very well so far but today was a difficult day for me but I rose above and am now on the other side and feeling very positive once again…
A student who is taking my class for “fun” is being passive aggressive and I spent the afternoon obsessing over it. But I talked to people and got through it and listened to one of my favorite podcasts lately, Yoga girl, and took her advice on using my toolkit.
To summarize, it included talking to others, journal about it, drinking water, moving (took a walk with my dog and daughter!), taking deep breaths, child pose (going to do that tonight), rewarding yourself and a few other things I can’t remember off the top of my head.
Instead of seeing this as a negative energy for my class I am instead focusing on the students who really care about my class and am not going to let him/her get to me. I used my tools which helped in other areas as well and I feel great. It caused me to seek outside help as I don’t have all the answers in life ha ha, never thought I did but still figuring out who I am and so happy for this opportunity to grow!
Hope everyone is doing well. Email has been quiet lately so feel free to email me and let me know how you’re doing or some of your tools on a rough day and how you get through it or comment below.
I can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org