Seemingly Obscure events in life are all a part of God’s plan

Dear readers,

After my therapy session yesterday I have been reflecting on my life and making connections that I never thought of before…

She asked me where I wanted to begin and I said my mother’s womb.

These are some of the events that led me to being adopted by my parents who raised me and my mother especially who I love with all my heart despite her negativity, criticisms, and yet much love for me…

~my birth mother wanted to keep me but was torn about it and vacillated on giving me up for adoption

~she eventually did give me up and hand picked a home for me where mysteriously my adopted mother became terminally ill and I had to be removed from their home at age 4 months

~I was placed in an orphanage until 6 months, finally being adopted by the parents who raised me, which was a very cold and strict environment

Realizing these events I don’t know what was God’s plan for me to be with my parents now, who are both still alive, but I am grateful.

Still connecting the dots but I see many events throughout my life which at first seemed to be obscure but I know God has a plan and that we were not made by accident, but rather a design.

Being diagnosed in 2008 with Schizophrenia was a part of that plan and although I don’t know what the future holds for me and my loved ones, I trust in His good will for me. Despite the suffering I thank him with all my heart for seeing that I can handle this diagnosis and life is so much better now that I am being honest with my husband on most levels.

God is good. Trying to make sense of things is cathartic and I pray and hope that all of you won’t hate your diagnosis but rather embrace it and all that it means to you and your loved ones.

Pax

Victoria

Depression setting in…

To all,

With Schizoaffective Disorder, one of the aspects I don’t talk about much is the depression involved. Today I can feel it even though I exercised, ate healthy but a lot and used all my tools. But here I sit at my computer, listening to my fave musician Jason Mraz and have tucked away much tv under my belt. But I also did a few things so that’s swell.

I have lots of ideas of what I want to do but most of it doesn’t come to fruition. Plus I am still recovering from my recent hospitalizations and it is very cold outside for our area.

I also suffer from bipolar tendencies, and lately have had lots of highs and lows but again not sure if it is the healing that is going on in my body physically or if it’s mental.

Tomorrow I see my therapist and will try to get to the bottom of this.

But I feel useless. I don’t go out much, not at all today, even to get the mail. But I did twenty minutes on my new stationary bike, helped my husband a bit with invoices and kept up with the dishes until dinner which my husband cooked. He is still being supportive but I wonder how long it will last. Trying not to be too pessimistic.

Honestly, I have a great life but being depressed means that I can’t enjoy it.

I have lots of goals for the new year which I am trying to implement now but not much follow through to get things done. My daughter cleans the house as a form of rent, so I don’t have to do that, because seriously it just wouldn’t get done.

I had a very productive day yesterday though so maybe I need to be gentle with myself and give myself a break. It seems like I will have one good day where I get lots done and then the next barely anything. Balance has always been hard for me…

Anyway, I do have two appointments tomorrow so I will be getting out of the house so that’s good I suppose.

Sorry to be a downer but I promised to share my ups and downs and right now I am down but still not giving up. Not suicidal just want to go to bed early again…

Pax

Victoria

The Reason I started this blog…

Second blog today, I know, but here I am all alone, without a care in the world except which Christmas movie I will watch next.

Oh, I have family and loved ones who love me too. I am fortunate for that and spent last night and most of today with them but felt compelled to reach out to my readers, old and new, to try to explain why I maintain this blog since 2013.

I want to help others who share this same affliction, Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder rather and their loved ones. I want to give hope to all and to help the world better understand people like me who suffer with this dastard disorder and provide this “hope” so that they or you all, too, can live normal lives and not be scared and even if you are alone too but to feel some connection with others like you.

This blog has had a steady flow of visitors and views the past couple of weeks which is awesome. I don’t know your stories, I only share mine with its ups and downs and my free pass right now to good mental health. I am fortunate for I have an excellent psychiatrist and awesome support at many levels.

I urge you all to continue this fight and never give up. Yes I want you to Have it all as Jason Mraz sings so freely. May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows. All you can imagine. If you believe it anything can happen. You, too, can have it all.

Keep up the fight and don’t stop believing in yourself above all. Don’t stop trying to find the right medication and when you find the right cocktail as I have found after ten years, don’t stop taking it even if you feel somewhat normal again. Find a good therapist you trust and build your support team. Stick with positive people and never give in to suicidal thoughts no matter how bad you feel. It will get better if you just keep trying to manage yours or your loved ones disorder. Believe and believe me that God wants the best for you no matter your color, size, sexual preference or religion or anything else which may seemingly separate us from each other!

May God bless and keep you all.

Email me anytime especially if you are alone this holiday season. I am on bedrest again due to my hospitalizations and would like nothing better to do than receive and answer a few emails no matter your circumstances or where you live!

at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

Merry Christmas!

Dear readers,

Today many of us celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

I believe and that is all that matters. I pray for each one of you no matter your faith to believe in something that gives you hope and promise of better days to come…

Many of us have families and loved ones who make this holiday special.

But many of us do not, so I would like to say a special prayer for those of you who are alone on this wondrous feast.

May God bless and keep you in all that you do.

May you find love and support this year and every year after.

Know you are loved by God and me and many others.

God bless you all.

Merry Christmas and have a happy new year!

Pax

Victoria

Darkest moment of 2018 and now…

Merry Christmas Eve to all of you!

Just reflecting on my darkest moment of 2018 when I was suicidal in February and I reached out for help to my daughter who was living in Colorado by phone. I knew I needed help but was in the fetal position with the plan to take all my meds to end the extreme suffering I was in.

It was a combination of going off of a med and not having enough meds in me, along with my husband kicking me out for my vices and relapsing, going to a hotel for fear of what my husband would do. I have never been suicidal with a plan before and it was scary. My daughter called my youngest son and came to the hotel and got me to the hospital thank you God. And I stayed on the phone with my daughter until he arrived and she let me know she was flying home that night! I felt so bad to interrupt her life so but was so happy to have her near while I was in the hospital. She soon announced that she was also moving home because she was tired of being away worrying about me when she could be home and closer to me.

We now are doing awesome. She lives at home and helps me so much but is no longer my emotional caregiver. Surprisingly my husband is my main support now. Very weird.

Anyway the now is that I am no longer practicing the vices that got me to that point, 9 and a half months to be exact and I am so content with things. I still struggle to get things done but the stark difference is apparent in so many ways.

I wanted to give up that day in February of this year, but I reached out for help and I encourage any of you who are struggling with your life to reach out for that help as well. Sometimes we all need to be rescued. This song by Jason Mraz is my favorite song called Rescue and it makes me so happy that I have people in my life who are willing to do so much to help me when I am down on my luck. Check it out here and make that call even if it is 911.

The holidays can be tough for sure and I know I am very fortunate to have the support that I have that not all people have. I am grateful every day I am alive and the best part is that I want to be alive today and am looking forward to a better upcoming year!

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

What are some of the benefits of having Schizophrenia?

To all,

Today is a new day and I have much to be grateful for.

When I received the gift of Schizophrenia later fine-tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder I thought my world was ending, but now I realize on the other side of my diagnosis that it was only the beginning.

There are many disadvantages of being afflicted with this, too many to list but there are benefits as well which I would like to share today.

I don’t have to work. I can spend my days in prayer for my loved ones, my neighbors, and for those who have no one to pray for them. I don’t spend the whole day in prayer but I do pray a few decades of the rosary for the previously mentioned and kick back in peace and trust God to do the rest.

Now that I am doing better once again and that I don’t have to work another benefit is the support I receive from my loved ones and the occasional compassionate person who I share with my diagnosis. It used to be just my daughter but now it is my husband (may God bless his soul) and people like the kind nurse Stephanie I met while I was in the hospital. I gave her my website as she was interested in my story and if she is reading this I just want to thank her for being so kind and non judgmental with my diagnosis and being sensitive to my needs while being in the hospital. It’s people like that that don’t make me hate my disorder.

Along with this same breath is the wonderful readers who read this and say a prayer or send an email or comment that brightens my day. I am praying for each and every one of you as well as we journey together. Where there is suffering there is much joy and now that I have accepted the fact that I can’t work, I can refocus my efforts on my house and hopefully after I recovery from my surgery and hospitalizations for my gallbladder I will get back to gardening which I very much enjoy!

So life is good once again! And I thank God especially for carrying me through the dark times as I continue to recover from this disorder. If you are new to this blog you can read about my gift of schizophrenia here. https://schizophreniarecovery.us/the-gift/

May God bless each of you all as we continue on this journey together, the road to recovery from Schizophrenia. Praying especially for an awesome new year 2019. So much to be grateful for really.

Pax

Victoria

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

To all,

This quote by Mahatma Gandhi is words I try to live by every day I can. Lately, situation would have it that I can’t do much other than take care of myself, my family and my dogs, but that doesn’t mean that I am worthless, no, it means that I have limitations and that I must not give up as Gandhi did not give up.

Having schizoaffective disorder means many things and although some aspects of this disorder are hard to fathom, it also means that I have lots of time these days to do good, and good I shall do.

Today my husband asked me to do more than just watch TV or Netflix in reality. I was at first offended because I am recovering from surgery and two hospitalizations. I need my rest. But I take his words as a sign from God that it is now time to do more than just the dishes and more I shall do.

I can offer a smile or kind word to others. I can send out a few Christmas cards. I can clean the fridge. I can work on my taxes. I can get out of my comfort zone and go for a short walk. Yes I can do more.

Not working has been hard to accept but after a relapse of sorts after every time I have tried working outside the home has led me down that dark road again and again. But I accept it now and will do as my husband wishes and do more than just watch Netflix.

I saw my pdoc yesterday and was happy and content that he wants to see me in three months rather than next month. This is a sign of wellness again after many months. The meds and CBD oil are working and I feel less delusional than previously. Must continue to fight the depression and anxiety is at bay. Life is good again and I must live this quote to its fullest.

I am praying about my writing projects and podcasts. Time will tell for sure! In the meantime I will get busy living life again somewhat symptom free and be the change I wish to see in the world.

Bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Where am I now?

To all,

So after these hospitalizations, I went to therapy yesterday and to be honest hadn’t really thought much about my mental health much due to the pain I was in and the recovery period.

But at therapy I once again faced the stark reality of my schizoaffective disorder and it was hard to accept once again.  In the past therapy has been a safe place to just talk, but now I am with an excellent therapist who is digging and it is painful.  At the end of therapy we were talking about things I was grateful for and it all focused on me still having my life, not being in pain and having all my family and friends who love me as much as I love them.  But there was a dark moment too which I didn’t share with my therapist because we had already gone over our time.  

The dark moment was the stark reality of my mental situation which faces the fact I can’t work outside the home, the damage my disorder has caused my loved ones and a sadness that I am different and have a fractured mind.

I will share this with my therapist when we next meet but where am I now?

My daughter, who has been up until this year been my main emotional support, was on vacation for a few day and upon coming home shared with me that she might be bipolar.  This would answer several questions I have had about her and her ups and downs since before I was diagnosed.  She is able to keep a job, relationships (non intimate ones) and shared with me something that I would like to relay to you.

She shared with me that she truly didn’t know how her teenage years would have turned out if she didn’t have to care for me.  This made me feel so good.  

As I have shared previously, I believe that my schizophrenia was a gift from God but recently I have regretted praying to be able to suffer for God and thus receiving this gift.  I regretted it because it caused so much suffering for my daughter but after she shared this with me I felt that God knew what he was doing and always to trust in him for all things…

It is good to have answers at least one benefit of receiving this gift of schizophrenia.

Tomorrow my son (who has shown symptoms of schizophrenia recently) and I are going to both go see my psychiatrist.  His appointment is right after mine so I will get a chance to speak with my psychiatrist about my son’s recent symptoms.  My son wants to see him to help with his ADD, to be able to focus more on things especially school but I think he may be suffering from prodomal symptoms of schizophrenia…

I have faith that my psychiatrist will know what to do.

As for me I am doing better mentally I think but still suffer from some delusions but they don’t affect my functioning.

Anyway, I am glad I get to be there for my children.  My eldest shows no sign of mental disorder happy to report.

Have a great day!  

Pax 

Victoria

Ready for 2019!

To all,

Well although it has been a rough year, I am peeking around the corner and getting ready for 2019!  For this blog I wish to focus on all the good that occurred this year rather than the negative!

This year brought about many exciting changes~

My daughter moved home to help me but because I was doing so well (and am now) the tables have turned and I get to be her mother rather than her my emotional caregiver!

My husband has stepped in and taken a front seat on this ride with me with my disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder.  He is coming to therapy with me to try to understand my disorder better and has even taken over the finances and yesterday we went over all the debt and he didn’t even get angry at the bottom line!  It”s bad but he’s gonna fix it because he is good with money, where I am definitely not.

Both my parents are still alive although not in the best health.  My mom especially is improving every day and will be moving soon to a retirement home which will be really good for her!

My son who is 19 has started college at last and just finished his first semester with strong grades and lots of play on the community college tennis team.  This is a miracle that he has managed this and I thank God every day!

My oldest son announced his engagement to his longtime girlfriend who I very much approve of.  The wedding is in April 2019 and the plans and excitement are so much fun!  Maybe getting closer to being a grandma too!

I am closer to my sister than ever due to her stepping in to help my mom a ton when I could not!  

Looking forward to a great Christmas, simple and family time.  Only exchanging gifts with immediate family.

My disorder is at bay for the moment.  Hospitals do that to you I think…

Also this year I met some amazing people along the way but that will be a blog for another day.

Happy December!

Bless and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

Out of hospital and a nice surprise..

To all,

Well I am home now and resting!

But while I was in the hospital one of my followers came to visit me! It was such a treat and a very nice surprise!

One of the wonderful things about life is that amidst all the hard times sometimes one kind gesture can make everything better!

So I passed on the kindness to my mother in law who was down the hall at the hospital with pneumonia and I shared with her what I could, kindness and compassion!

God is good and I will have energy soon to get back to my writing and many projects!

But for now I am just resting and trying to wrap my head around this years difficulties! Gods will be done in all things!

Peace to you all!

Glad to be home for Christmas!

Pax

Victoria