As a parent I am truly blessed…

Dear readers,

Today is my youngest son’s 20th birthday! He is so special and unique. For those of you following me if you remember, I was concerned with his mental health this past year due to some paranoia and hallucinations. It has since stopped and he is no longer having them. He saw our psychiatrist recently and the doc wasn’t concerned about these brief happenings. I am naturally greatly relieved but know that it is still a possibility but thank God that he is able to go to college full time and play lots of tennis, which he is really good at! And he loves the game so that is what really matters, not how many trophies or tournaments or games he wins. I now ask him instead of if he won, how he played, because that is what I care about, that he did his best, behaved with good sportsmanship and enjoyed the game. I think this perspective is much healthier and I know he appreciates my question.

He is special because we are all special and he is my youngest so he has me wrapped around his finger honestly although he does much for himself now like his own laundry and fixes most of his meals. He helps out around the house and brightens my day when we spend time together. He is my baby, my last child, my love, my friend, my concerned son. May God bless him this day. He is also very smart, funny and quite the philosopher. I have seen great things for him all his life and now that they are coming to be I know that as parents we just have to keep believing in the very best for each and every one of our children.

Now that I am no longer psychotic or depressed I can make his day special, make him homemade waffles for breakfast and his favorite dinner and more importantly be there for him with love and encouragement at every step. I love you Dominic! God bless you on your special day!

As parents it is the greatest moment when one realizes that as a parent we have given them the best of ourselves as often as humanly possible and that is what I have given him and am so proud of how he is turning out! I know he will do great things with his life.

May God bless you all on my son’s birthday,

pax

Victoria

Still not giving up or in…

Dear readers old and new,

Found the blog that I thought got away. This was yesterday’s blog. Enjoy!

I’m done ✅ today but feeling a real sense of accomplishment this week. I have spent this week caring for puppies and my mom which is not something I can continue (caring for my mom, puppies are a breeze). My mom needs more care than I can give and I am at a place where I am able to recognize that fact luckily. My sister was out of town this week but is back today so that’s good news. Last week was sure the opposite sleeping in the closet ha ha and not able to do anything other than take care of myself and my doggies…


Today I woke up at six am and puppy sat all day and then went to my moms house to check on her and clean out her tub. Had time for twenty minute walk increased from none to fifteen and next week working up to thirty.
It’s amazing how one can get out of shape after a month of recuperating from my hospitalizations! 


Glad to be feeling better now but need to get my sugary foods under wraps again. If it’s there I’ll eat it and fast which is why I don’t buy sweet stuff regularly for my house! That and cheese and tomato soup are my best friends lately but been getting my fruit and veggies every day through SparkPeople which is free for tracking food and fitness daily.


Speaking of which I was supposed to do cross training today but ran out of time so I have the goal to swim tomorrow! I also found a walking club in my area and am going to get in shape to do a 5k which is 3 miles by May. Also got a fitness journal to track all and any exercise! I’m on a roll. Would like to get in the habit to do Yoga in the am. I feel like I can do all this because of my new antidepressant.

Saw my therapist today and we both decided that I am done with therapy for now. We spent half the session talking about Netflix shows and just chatting like old friends. I have done the hard part and it has paid off greatly. If I need a check up I can call her anytime to schedule so that makes me happy that she isn’t closing me out but I can see her on an as need basis.


Finally home and got some protein and a veggie in. I really need both to feel full and energized! Spent the day sitting puppies in a vegan house with lots of sugary treats which I gave into. Going to dinner with hubbie shortly.

It’s amazing how I am now living life rather than just watching the world go by…

Pax

Victoria

The Blog that got away and here I am…

Dear readers, old and new,

So…yesterday while waiting for my final therapy session I began the blog and worked on it some more in the evening but got interrupted by my dearest daughter so even though it was pretty much finished never published it…shut down my computer before bed and it’s gone forever…

Quick summary of it, I am doing amazing again, after deep depression I am no longer watching the world go by, no I am going places, helping others and doing hard things when the last week I was hanging out in my closet on the floor… I am exercising every day and once again enjoying life…

That’s the nutshell. I guess it wasn’t meant to be published so I will leave it at that.

Here I am now

A child of God

Happily married

Proud mama of three awesome children

Content daughter of two great parents

Good friend to many

Blogger

and…

a person with Schizoaffective Disorder who is not defined by my diagnosis

because I can do many things and many more I shall do because life is wonderful and I can do wonderful things. The only thing that limits me is my imagination and it is BIG!

Hope and praying for you all for a wonderful day and weekend!

Pax

Victoria

Helping others helps me…

Dear readers,

Yesterday was a very hard day. My mom was acting confused again and was having minor delusions. She is frail and critical but she is my mom and I lover her. I took her to the ER to get her checked out. It ended up that all her levels were fine and they released her. She was mad at me for taking her. But I know I did the right thing.

When she was in the hospital last year and almost died, she criticized me for not doing enough. Well this time I was proactive and even though I was very tired and didn’t feel good cuz I ate a bunch of sugar, I saw it through. I reached out to my sister who was out of town for help and she did. I almost gave up but in the end my mom was somewhat thankful and I feel good about my decision to take her in.

Lately, I have been reviewing my decisions, big and small, and I know I do not always have the best judgement. But I keep trying and get the input of my family, mainly my husband, daughter and sons to help with the big stuff. The little stuff doesn’t matter but it does add up and yesterday I felt like I was a complete failure.

But I know now, today, that I am not a failure, I am human and I make mistakes. How much is my disorder and how much is my human failings just doesn’t matter. I can be very hard on myself sometimes, ok, most of the time. But I know I need to be gentle with myself and not give into negative thoughts like I did yesterday.

This disorder causes much emotional disregulation. And at times it is too much. The good news is that I see my therapist Friday and will be able to process much of these thoughts.

I am no longer severely depressed which is great but feeling lazy today and not going to feel bad about not doing much. Going to tidy the house, get a few chores done and I get to puppy sit too! My best friend is away and her husband needs a break from their cute puppies, Milo and Sassy Loo! It will be chill and a very different day than yesterday.

Life can still be hard but I am moving forward from the pit of my depression and finally able to think about someone other than myself which feels great.

The timing of all of this is great because if all this had happened last week I would not have been able to help at all. It is therapeutic to write about this. Thank you for reading and participating in my recovery!

Pax

Victoria

The difference is between night and day!

Dear readers,

Excited to share with you all that yesterday was an amazing day. The difference is between night and day. Severely depressed this week and then all of a sudden not!

This new medicine is kicking in already but can’t remember the name. It starts with a Tnn… or something like that, not sure how to pronounce it either. But it doesn’t matter really because I feel like I have my life back and will soon be able to get to my gardening and walking a lot again.

Not only was this week of being severely depressed incredibly hard but I now see that prior to this week of deep depression I was suffering from mild depression for several months…

It was hard for me to recognize how the symptoms were manifesting but now that I am on the other side I can clearly see how my depression was affecting me in small and big ways.

Allow me to provide some details and hopefully it will help some of you who also have depression or Schizoaffective Disorder~

Let my projects like gardening go.

Wasn’t able to keep up with the house.

Didn’t enjoy life.

Couldn’t do little things other than the basics.

Sat for hours on end doing nothing except surf the web.

Overate, especially sugar and fatty foods.

That’s all I can see for now. Yesterday was incredible, I finally took a walk, went to the library and checked out a few interesting things I am going to do, went to the park, ate a small donut rather than the biggest one, got my paperwork for all our cars (25+ my husband is a collector of vw’s), cooked two healthy dinners and did most of the dishes, worked on my vision board, played with the dogs, and got lots of little things done I haven’t had the energy nor desire to get done!

Can’t wait until I am on full dosage, right now I am tapering down off of Lexapro. We shall see!

All I know is that better days are finally here and I thank God.

Without the darkness we can’t see the light, so I thank Him for allowing me to see the light once again. I love life!

Pax

Victoria

Little known fact about depression and suicide…

Dear readers,

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and put me on new antidepressant!

Can’t wait to start feeling less depressed. Have so many plans I am unable to do right now but only time will tell when they will come about.

I see him in two weeks to see how I am doing.

I am not suicidal but wanted to share a little know fact with you that I have been remembering from my time in grad school.

I got my Masters in Psychology post diagnosis (Schizoaffective Disorder) in 2012 and learned that the most likely time someone who is severely depressed and suicidal will kill themselves. It is not when they are at the pit of their depression. No it is when they are coming out of it.

When they are severely depressed they don’t have the energy or ambition to do it, but rather when they start to come out of it they are still suicidal and have the energy to take their own lives.

So to you loved ones of people like this take care to not stop being vigilant when they begin to feel better.

My husband’s good friend tried to take his life last year and is now handicapped in the failed attempt.

I pray for him as often as I remember him and for all my readers. And for me. I am not currently suicidal but have been last year and am glad I got the help to get better.

Pax

Victoria

What depression is like for me…

Dear readers,

Still fighting against depression one of my symptoms of Schizoaffective Disorder. Seeing my psychiatrist today to hopefully change up my antidepressants. Have hope for better days to come.

I would like to describe what depression looks like for me~

Lack of energy to start or finish things

Difficulty concentrating on my writing

Dark blinders making it hard to see the world as beautiful

Lack of hope

Sad for no reason

It is not situational depression rather a feeling of being overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness

Hard to keep up with housework due to lack of motivation

Have to force myself to get things done, like this blog.

Here are the ways I am fighting it~

CBD oil full spectrum

Being proactive about my doctor appointment (had to call several times to get earlier appointment)

Do small things to the best of my ability to feel like I accomplished something productive every day

Try to pick up a new hobby but hard to work on it continually so I do it in small increments

Force myself to take a shower and put make up on

Blog

Eat healthy and try to walk at least 15 minutes (haven’t succeeded that one yet but hoping soon)

Call on my support, family, friends, therapist, old classmates and pups especially Buttercup my favorite dog who could be a therapy dog if she wasn’t afraid of buildings!

Not give up!

Here is to better days ahead,

Pax

Victoria

Overcoming depression…and dedication

Dear readers,

Yesterday was a really hard day! I had no energy and was depressed and sad all day. Feeling overwhelmed I reached out for help to my psychiatrist to get an earlier appointment which I scheduled for Friday, tomorrow. I know I need my antidepressants to be changed.

The good news is that I am not suicidal, just very depressed. I started to take more of the CBD oil full spectrum which has helped a lot and am feeling a little better today.

I have also reached out to an old classmate whose life compared to mine is extremely difficult. I wonder if she has faith that gets her through because I know for me that is all that gets me through it all. I pray for her and will continue to reach out through Facebook.

Not much inspiration today but at least I am able to blog about my depression as yesterday that was not even an option to consider.

M weight is out of control and yesterday I was even thinking about getting the lapband surgery but don’t know if I can handle the diet afterwards as food is such a comfort at times like these. But hopefully after my depression gets under control I will be able to watch my calories and consider the lapband surgery. I just hate being overweight and eat way too much cheese.

This is the first time my Schizoaffective Disorder symptoms with depression has been out of whack. So trying to get through it but feel like I am just watching life go by. No interest in working on my writing or getting out but today I am going out and going to a couple of stores…

Glad I have support anyway. I recognize that many do not and for you I dedicate this post. Yesterday my daughter hung out with me and my son too and they made me laugh. It was so weird to be super depressed and find something funny. I will share the joke.

I forced myself to clean out the closet and half way through I felt the need to lay down in the closet and take a rest. My youngest son walked by the closet with me several times like that and didn’t say anything. When I told my daughter about it she was making all kinds of wise cracks and made me laugh so hard. We asked my son why he didn’t ask me what I was doing resting in the closet and he made his own wise cracks. It is good to find humor in my depression and is even helping me today to smile…

Here is to better days,

Pax

Victoria

Depressed and a prayer…

Dear readers,

I am forcing myself to blog today. Depression is overwhelming me.

But I am not giving up! Not suicidal happy to report because that would suck even more.

Just not motivated to do anything productive.

The sad part is that today is my 27th marriage anniversary and I am going to have to fake it over dinner. We have a good strong marriage despite our failings, but far from being in a celebratory mood. I put up twinkling lights in our home and got my hair styled and plan to get all gussied up for our night out at dinner…

Haven’t shared this with my hubby and spent money today that we don’t have.

Sorry this is a down post but I promised to share the good, bad and ugly and I feel all three right now. Good that my marriage is strong and that he provides me more support than i feel I deserve, bad that I feel like life is so bleak right now and I feel fat and not necessarily ugly but don’t feel pretty.

Listening to sad music today but will perk it up when my hubby gets home.

When we are depressed we are drawn to sad music me thinks.

But I did call my psychiatrist today to get in to see him about changing my anti-depressant meds as I have been on the same one for ten years so maybe it stopped working?

Trying to reward myself for getting little things done but all I want is sugar and fat, so must come up with some new rewards that don’t involve that.

Smelling my aromatherapy, lavender and bergamot, which helps but overwhelmed by these feelings of sadness and depression.

Must try to lighten my mood now so will leave this blog with a prayer.

Dear God,

I am sad and depressed right now but believe in your goodness for all including me. Please help my doctor and all our doctors figure out the best medication to be on today and every day. I love you God. I adore, hope in you and love you and I beg pardon for those who do not love, adore, and hope in you. For what else is there if we don’t???

Pax

Victoria

Trip down memory lane…

Dear readers,

Well, I ended up staying home from the reunion and doing a needed cleaning of my house and watching football with my husband. But I did follow the reunion on my phone and it brought back many memories, some good and some bad…

Catholic school, from first to eighth grade with the same kids mostly but different teachers for each grade. First loves, some naughty moments, good friends, funny memories, wishes for some friendships to be renewed and lots in between.

I woke up at 5:45 am this morning. Lately I have been getting up at 7:30, doing my morning ritual which consists of prayers, Catholic offering on phone, favorite morning songs by Jason Mraz and sometimes blogging or watching my current favorite show, Blue Bloods with Tom Selleck.

Today I feel anxious about an old friend who I was close with in third or fourth grade who I later shunned because I am not sure why. I sent her a friend request and message this morning and as I was typing this I have a Facebook alert at the top of my screen. I want to check it to see if she has replied. Checking it now. Be right back. I am obsessed with reconnecting with this one friend for many reasons. Ok here I go…

It was her. We shall see where this goes according to God’s good will.

I get so easily obsessed since I was young. My friendship with this beautiful woman represented a time in my life when I was very innocent. Perhaps this is the obsession.

Been doing a lot of work with my therapist on my past. Will have to process some of this with her next time we meet.

Having this disorder I am not sure what God wants of me right now. Can’t get to Mass like I want and falling into many vices lately I am not proud of.

I have asked my Guardian Angel to protect me from temptation. Here I wait for help from above. The devil loves it when we give in. With my guardian angel’s help I can rise above.

Oh, God, this disorder is so hard to fathom! I suffer so much every day and at times like this it is relentless. How I wish for peace…

Pax

Victoria