Quick update…

Dear readers,

Having another half a mental health day.

Yesterday was very hard. My mom wasn’t getting better and all the decisions were left to me which is ironic because if she realized that it was me making the decisions she wouldn’t be happy as she believes I make very poor decisions due to my Schizoaffective disorder. Ha ha mom I did ok.

I had to decide whether or not she was getting the best care and if we should move her to another hospital or not. I reached out to my sister and brother who both did not know what to do (later) and I couldn’t even reach them.

At the end of the day my mom was finally doing better and when I asked her if she wanted to transfer to another hospital, she was adamant not to. I had already decided against it because the doctor had finally called me back and filled me in on all the tests they were doing and I told her, “I trust you and this hospital” but still wanted to get my family’s input.. They still don’t know why her white blood cell count is so high. Could be leukemia they think…Today they are doing some sort of test to determine this. I just want my mom to be ok and am scared of losing her or of her losing her mind like my dad. So hard right now!

Well today I haven’t gone to see her yet. Just vegging out listening to the soundtrack for the Greatest Showman and thinking about what I can eat that is comfort food that isn’t too bad for me. But I did have sugar this morning after breakfast. Weak right now to resist waffles with butter and syrup.

Thank you for the emails and prayers. Sorry if I haven’t been as on it as usual. Just feeling down and once again there the dishes sit.

My family is amazing right now! As are all of you for the prayers and positive thoughts for my mom. Thank you again!

Will check in tomorrow hopefully with some answers.

Bless you all,

Pax

Victoria

Took a mental health day…

Dear readers,

Well all my plans for the day were turned around.

Slept in till 9 for much needed sleep. Decided after realizing I was very low from all the care for my mom to not go to the hospital today to visit her. I called instead and tried to find out what is wrong with her. They still don’t know which makes it even harder…

Took a luxurious bath, took a nap, took care of my sick husband and my children living at home who are all sick now. But I am not sick just low mood.

I didn’t walk today but took a day off because it just felt like my body was screaming for rest as I have been waling 3 miles a day again and even though it really helps I knew taking on e day off would probably be good for me!

Made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow for some TLC.

I know that I must take care of myself if I am going to be able to continue to be there for my parents. I am just grateful they are still both alive…

I also bought a book I have been wanting called The Arthashastra which is an ancient Indian text about several things, can’t remember right now but it is ancient wisdom which I love philosophical books like it. Thoreau is also one of my favorites but the hard part of reading such inspiring books is that not working I don’t feel like I am up to being the change I wish to see in the world (Gandhi). But actually do feel pretty good about being there for my mom a ton these past two weeks and glad she is getting care at the hospital and will be getting care afterwards in her home.

The other day I made a list of my favorite things which was an idea I got from a blog I read recently. God, rainbows, sunsets and the rain are some of which I wrote and I know it is going to be beneficial to add to the list as I can and realize what I truly love in life.

Thank you all for the prayers for my mom and dad and me!

They are felt and God is going to show off in a big way I predict because it is always quiet before the storm and with the storm comes rainbows and a clean earth.

Signing off as usual for the night. May you all get a good nights rest and have a great day tomorrow. I do not know what it will bring but feel ready at least as I can be for whatever comes my way. Can’t be worse than last year really, at least I hope and pray…

Pax

Victoria

I can never get enough…

Dear readers,

Tomorrow will be a busy day at the hospital so I am getting in my daily blog tonight after a long yet amazing day…

I can never get enough of the power of God despite my disorder, despite my current difficulties, despite my lack of faith at times, despite my sinfulness, despite all of this and more…I can never get enough of God’s love.

I am joyful today for many reasons. My mom is better now that she is on iv fluids and tomorrow will find out what the CT scan showed in regards to her infection. She is getting the help that my sister and I knew she needed and for this I thank God and all who lifted up a prayer. Please don’t stop though as she has a long way to go.

Today a kind thoughtful person asked me how the rest of my family are doing after discussing how both my parents are in the hospital right now and how hard it truly is to have both of them cognitively impaired currently… I responded the truth, the rest of my immediate family are all doing great!

My marriage is better and stronger than ever now that my husband has become my main source of emotional and financial support, love and humor abound about any and everything.

My adult children are all doing great, eldest son is getting married in Hawaii in April and we all get to go and spend a week (Hawaii has become our Disneyland, love especially Maui and the wonderful warm water with outstanding views everywhere but snorkeling is my favorite, so peaceful!); my daughter has a new boyfriend and bright hopes for a wonderful future which is yet to be decided; but she is in a better place now that she has been in therapy, which we are paying for because much of it is in regards to her taking care of me emotionally for the past ten years and now that I am doing great she has been a bit lost for as she puts it, “it was the one thing I was really good at (taking care of me), and last but not least, my youngest son who just turned twenty is doing great too, in community college full time and doing what he enjoys most, playing competitive tennis on their team. I am truly blessed.

Sorry that was a lot, but it’s all true, but even when things go awry I am in awe how God intervenes with His grace and love and peace through people and so many countless ways. We just have to look for the good in people and nature. I remember one birthday years ago when I didn’t get anything for my birthday but then a flower bloomed that day that I had been long awaiting for and I was like, “Thank you God!” The blessings are all around us, we just have to have eyes to see…

Ask and ye shall receive!

But God is enough for me, He is The Divine which I can never truly understand. Only by my prayers daily, the lifting up of my suffering, the great measure of faith, which God has seen fit to give me pre and post diagnosis, and most importantly through the Precious Blood of Jesus Christ poured out for all through the perfect womb of His Dear Mother Mary, may I be saved and truly know peace.

Pax

Victoria

Doing well despite things…

Dear readers,

I pray for all of you that you are doing as well if not better than I am…

My mom is finally in the hospital and hopefully will get her infection resolved and start getting back to her usual self. I spent the night at her house and upon checking on her found her totally confused and unable to get out of bed. I knew to call 911 and an ambulance arrived shortly and whisked her away to the local hospital. The EMT said I had made the right decision to call them; there ya go mom, I can make good decisions despite my diagnosis.

Spent all day till now with her, taking frequent breaks and getting 4,000 steps in. I woke up today at 5:30 am (usually awake at 7am) and decided not to try to go back to sleep because I was having weird dreams again. I really hate my dreams lately. I find if I go back to sleep after using the restroom that they just keep continuing. So I am a little tired but in a great space mentally. I took a much needed break yesterday and while my sister took the day shift for my mom I drove a while, walked a bunch, ate healthy, fed a gentleman bum, and said my prayers at the beach soaking up the sun. It was a great day! I am so happy I am now at a better place with taking care of myself and others too.

Today an injured bee was on my windshield while parked and I wanted so badly to save it (but I didn’t because I got busy seeing my dear father. I am so blessed to have both my parents alive right now even though both of them are cognitively impaired. I believe all life is precious, us, animals and plant life. I might be taking this a little far in my appreciation of life but I have been given such a great share of faith lately that I just don’t take anything for granted.

On one of my breaks I was in the cafeteria with my healthy yummy lunch and ran into the chaplain and a deacon from our Church. It was fine until I had to open my mouth and I said that I had Schizoaffective Disorder and hadn’t been able to get to Church and to please pray for me and my mom. I am not going to tell people anymore that I have this disorder. Every time I do I feel stigmatized. The deacon, after my sharing of my disorder, didn’t say anything but just sat there looking at me like I was some sort of crazy person. It’s not my job to educate people but maybe I missed a teaching moment. Idk. I don’t think I was being paranoid. The chaplain shared a story about a man she knew who was schizophrenic who had killed himself. Was that helpful? I think not.

Oh well, won’t let it ruin my good day. Despite being concerned for my mom and her health I am dong really well so I will be grateful for that at least. I am going on a long walk with my daughter shortly and try to beat my record 8,000 steps from yesterday. Goal is 10,000 and I am already up to 4,000 so that’s cool.

I will be blogging soon about something another blogger recently blogged about that brought up much thinking about God, feeling very close to him at times, and how pride is usually no longer at play in my life. It is humbling to admit that one has this disorder…

But that will be for a later blog. Thank you Kevin Riddle (on wordpress Diary of a broken man) for such a well thought out blog and insight into your condition.

Pax

Victoria

Article about people with SZ making poor choices and looking for others to share their story who are in recovery…

Dear readers,

Not in a good head space today. Dreams about not succeeding, tired from worrying about my mom, mentally feeling the exhaustion of doing too much.

I want to take a day off from life, but will just take off the morning and go see my dear father at extended care and visit my mom once only. I just can’t keep it up, visiting her twice a day lately and her negativity really affects me.

Last night I read through the magazines that my mom saved for me, Readers Digest and a few others. In one there was a bookmark with an arrow pointing down to an article she wanted me to read about mental illness. It basically said that people with schizophrenia make poor decisions among other things and the pain once again of her stigmatization was with me. I think she will still haunt me from the grave with her critical outlook of my choices and I am sad that it lets me get so worked up.

I am not saying that I haven’t made poor choices at times. But the incidents she is referring to are ones where I know I did the right thing, things that were meaningful to me like going to see a fellow schizophrenia survivor 5 hours away who was speaking about her experience with schizophrenia to a large group in San Diego. It was an important moment in my life to meet someone with the same struggles as me and I cried when her mother prayed before our dinner a prayer that touched me so deeply…

We, including all of you, are survivors, in recovery and despite incredible odds making a difference in life. I wish I could come out of the closet with my identity as someone with Schizoaffective Disorder but must honor my husband’s wishes that I remain anonymous with my diagnosis. I would love to speak to groups as my friend does and speak at a broader level. But it is not to be right now so I will continue to use this platform of anonymous blogging to share hope about recovery.

Does this sound like a poor decision to meet someone else who was homeless and lost touch with her family for years and now gives back so much to the mental health world? I think not but only other people with our disorder get it fully.

My poor mom and others who just don’t get it. My prayer is that although they can’t empathize because they don’t have this diagnosis, but that they can sympathize in not a pitying way but in a way that is supportive and loving and understanding and not just take one article to support what they think they know to be true and give the benefit of the doubt. My daughter gets it, as do many others in my life.

The article also mentioned that we have poor impulse control. Well this is true as I often do things impulsively but unlike my 5 hour trip which was planned months in advance, my impulses are now around food mainly sugar and getting good books through the library. There is nothing like a good book to quietly read and get absorbed in to take my mind off of my difficulties which are still many.

On a side note, my friend who I mentioned above is looking for people with our disorder who are recovering and would like to share their story through the foundation she started called CureSZ, a nonprofit dedicated to spreading the message of hope and recovery through a monthly newsletter featuring schizophrenia survivors. If interested in getting in touch with her feel free to email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will pass on your information to her. It is a great way to fight stigmatizing and give hope to others like us who are recovering from schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. Thanks ahead if you are willing to share your story! You never know who you will touch and inspire along the way…

Hoping you all have a wonderful Sunday!

Peace be with you all!

Pax

Victoria

What I am…

I am tired but grateful for life

I am depressed a little (situational with my mom) but I have hope and a fun day planned

I am sad my mom is sick but I am happy that I am doing well despite constant care for her

I am not lonely as I have many friends and family surrounding me right now

I am relieved I am not psychotic or severely depressed

I am in love with God even though I don’t feel His presence right now

I am a blogger with nothing to say yet I blog every day now

I have hope for the future

I am a walker and am up to two miles a day happy to say (used to be ten miles a day!)

I am a mother, wife, daughter and friend and most importantly a child of God who knows that despite my failings that I am saved by the blood of Christ

I love all religions and respect them greatly even though I am Catholic

I am happy to be alive!

Pax

Victoria

Who here procrastinates? and what is the reason behind it?

Dear readers,

Been busy last couple of days helping my mom, going to er and care giving for her. This would not have been possible prior to my anti-depressant med change. So I am grateful for the ability to do this.

But what makes it so hard is coming home to a pile of dishes that I procrastinate doing as the pile gets bigger by the hour. It won’t take me too long but yet here I sit blogging instead of keeping up with the house…

I listened to someone the other day who suggested that people who procrastinate have low self esteem. I am not sure if I agree with this. The reason behind this theory was that the procrastinator is afraid of success at completing the project. This may be true for me and as I am just now coming out of the depression fog I am being gentle with myself…

Right now there is so much I want to do but am pretty exhausted from spending the night at my mom’s and worrying about her when no one is with her. This is normal I think but I need to also do things around my house and I just keep putting it off for later if at all.

I still have not gotten back to gardening but am hoping as my depression lessens I will have the ambition once again to get back at it.

As one reader wrote recently in the comments Schizoaffective Disorder can be really hard, which I agree with wholeheartedly but when I am helping others I am at my best because I have to but when I am just at home on my computer I am being lazy or feeling the effects of my disorder.

Balance is needed in my life I know. I just get so tired of being disordered ya know? I have been eating at a cafe in my town lately that has autistic servers and busboys and it brightens my day to go in there and spend some time eating good food, getting hugs from Dean and a huge smile, making decent donations above my bill and just chilling and relaxing.

Lately I have been rewarding myself before the hard stuff and although this may seem counterproductive it helps me to get in some fun before I do the boring stuff like bills and dishes. I am going on a walk shortly with my daughter. It is a beautiful day here in California and it will feel good to get out with someone I love and get some fresh air and sunshine. Then the dishes, my nemesis, but it does feel good when they are done and the sink is empty.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

As usual I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and encourage and appreciate all correspondence and comments!

Pax

Victoria

How great God art…

Dear readers,

I am low this morning but yet I can look up to heaven and proclaim how great the Creator of Heaven and earth is. I can do this because I have the gift of faith, which is great.

I am feeling sadness over the loss of my dad as I knew him. These past three years have been the hardest ever in my life…

I can feel sadness and still look up and be ok. I don’t need to act out upon my sadness but I guess I am through this blog which is a healthy outlet to feel my sadness.

I don’t visit him as often as I used to. But I visited him Sunday and enjoyed being with him during a church service. He had been asking for his wooden bibles that were given to him in 1957. Just sitting with him was special and I thank God he is still alive. He saw me and said “daughter” and I was blessed once again that my dear father is still alive and knows me.

We have already said all that can be said between two people whose love is so strong. We both love God and ice cream and we had both that day…

I am going to get busy in a minute and fight the blues. I am not depressed like before so recently. No this is situational sadness and I know I must do something about it, get dressed, go for a walk, do the dishes and tidy after last night’s wonderful get together to celebrate my son’s birthday which was awesome.

I must not give in to the sadness but focus on things that make me happy other than food. Today tipped the scale at 234. I have decided to weigh every day now to be accountable to my eating and exercising or lack thereof. I must also have a reward for my hard work to fight the blues. And fight I will. No sitting endlessly today at the computer.

I also see my pdoc today to review how the new antidepressant is affecting me. and I have a good report to share that I am no longer depressed. The blinders have fallen away and I am no longer at that dark place I was at just two weeks ago. I am blessed that I am able to recognize my disorder for what it is, just a fractured mind that suffers symptoms sometimes and needs a readjustment from time to time.

I know for me I will always be on meds for schizoaffective disorder, anti-psychotic to keep away the psychosis and antidepressants for the depression and as needed anti-anxiety meds. Yesterday I actually had an anxiety attack which is the first time in a while. But I had my drugs with me so took them and proceeded to manage to shop, cook and clean for my dear son’s party. My son enjoyed all of it and I am blessed to be his mother!

Well I am off now to get busy and do healthy things that make me feel good, mainly walking and listening to music I love while I clean.

Hope ya’ll have a terrific day.

God bless,

Pax

Victoria

As a parent I am truly blessed…

Dear readers,

Today is my youngest son’s 20th birthday! He is so special and unique. For those of you following me if you remember, I was concerned with his mental health this past year due to some paranoia and hallucinations. It has since stopped and he is no longer having them. He saw our psychiatrist recently and the doc wasn’t concerned about these brief happenings. I am naturally greatly relieved but know that it is still a possibility but thank God that he is able to go to college full time and play lots of tennis, which he is really good at! And he loves the game so that is what really matters, not how many trophies or tournaments or games he wins. I now ask him instead of if he won, how he played, because that is what I care about, that he did his best, behaved with good sportsmanship and enjoyed the game. I think this perspective is much healthier and I know he appreciates my question.

He is special because we are all special and he is my youngest so he has me wrapped around his finger honestly although he does much for himself now like his own laundry and fixes most of his meals. He helps out around the house and brightens my day when we spend time together. He is my baby, my last child, my love, my friend, my concerned son. May God bless him this day. He is also very smart, funny and quite the philosopher. I have seen great things for him all his life and now that they are coming to be I know that as parents we just have to keep believing in the very best for each and every one of our children.

Now that I am no longer psychotic or depressed I can make his day special, make him homemade waffles for breakfast and his favorite dinner and more importantly be there for him with love and encouragement at every step. I love you Dominic! God bless you on your special day!

As parents it is the greatest moment when one realizes that as a parent we have given them the best of ourselves as often as humanly possible and that is what I have given him and am so proud of how he is turning out! I know he will do great things with his life.

May God bless you all on my son’s birthday,

pax

Victoria

Still not giving up or in…

Dear readers old and new,

Found the blog that I thought got away. This was yesterday’s blog. Enjoy!

I’m done ✅ today but feeling a real sense of accomplishment this week. I have spent this week caring for puppies and my mom which is not something I can continue (caring for my mom, puppies are a breeze). My mom needs more care than I can give and I am at a place where I am able to recognize that fact luckily. My sister was out of town this week but is back today so that’s good news. Last week was sure the opposite sleeping in the closet ha ha and not able to do anything other than take care of myself and my doggies…


Today I woke up at six am and puppy sat all day and then went to my moms house to check on her and clean out her tub. Had time for twenty minute walk increased from none to fifteen and next week working up to thirty.
It’s amazing how one can get out of shape after a month of recuperating from my hospitalizations! 


Glad to be feeling better now but need to get my sugary foods under wraps again. If it’s there I’ll eat it and fast which is why I don’t buy sweet stuff regularly for my house! That and cheese and tomato soup are my best friends lately but been getting my fruit and veggies every day through SparkPeople which is free for tracking food and fitness daily.


Speaking of which I was supposed to do cross training today but ran out of time so I have the goal to swim tomorrow! I also found a walking club in my area and am going to get in shape to do a 5k which is 3 miles by May. Also got a fitness journal to track all and any exercise! I’m on a roll. Would like to get in the habit to do Yoga in the am. I feel like I can do all this because of my new antidepressant.

Saw my therapist today and we both decided that I am done with therapy for now. We spent half the session talking about Netflix shows and just chatting like old friends. I have done the hard part and it has paid off greatly. If I need a check up I can call her anytime to schedule so that makes me happy that she isn’t closing me out but I can see her on an as need basis.


Finally home and got some protein and a veggie in. I really need both to feel full and energized! Spent the day sitting puppies in a vegan house with lots of sugary treats which I gave into. Going to dinner with hubbie shortly.

It’s amazing how I am now living life rather than just watching the world go by…

Pax

Victoria