I am torn right now between doing the SAMSHA video or not for several reasons..
I think it is an amazing opportunity to help spread awareness but at the same time putting my face out there for Youtube and other digital outlets may not be the best thing for my marriage. My husband has asked me to not ever speak about my disorder but to remain anonymous.
This blog and my book is under a pen name and it is a safe place I can express myself fully without judgement.
But putting my story out there in this fashion might not be the best decision.
And also going through my story again is very hard and there are so many aspects of my disorder which I do not understand and that are impossible to explain. Am I the best face or person to represent the mentally disordered population really?
I am planning to discuss this with my husband prior to the interview next week. I was just going to do it but my marriage is fragile at times and I don’t want to do something that goes against his wishes. I believe God can speak through him but I already know what his answer will be, to not do it.
I haven’t even been chosen yet but why waste their time doing to selection of the spokesperson if my husband is not agreeable?
The other day my husband expressed to me that he did not want to add on to the house with our inheritance money because he isn’t sure if I’m going to have another episode and leave him. This is the harsh reality of my marriage. I cannot guarantee that I won’t but hope that God will continue to heal our marriage and help him not to feel that way.
I am doing better these days on the new anti-depressant meds but still haven’t gotten out to garden yet. It is enough right now to just keep up with the house and paperwork, keeping track of his 25+cars and the taxes and bills. He promised to take over the bills but hasn’t and isn’t going to. But he is giving me more money now so that makes doing the bills much easier.
I feel like I am walking the tightrope with this decision.
As usual prayers are appreciated and if anyone has any comments on this major decision they are welcomed.
Have a great Sunday,