As hard as I try I cannot shake this disease..dis ease, lack of comfort…
Been having weird dreams and not sure what they mean but in the dreams I have this disorder and I don’t enjoy them at all…
I am beginning to understand some of my delusions because of a book I am reading currently. It is about how many people want to be famous. Well growing up I always wanted to be famous and loved by all.
My delusion that I am the most special person to ever live preys on this fact that deep down I wish it to be true. Now that I am past the delusion and humbled by this disorder I don’t want no part of it!
I know I am little and poor in many ways as my sins remind me every day. I still have the tendency towards pride and ashamedly this cropped up while in Boston. I reflect upon some of my comments and feel that many of them were said in the spirit that I was better than others and feel very bad about my malice.
But back down on earth I feel no such thing and I hope and pray that my blogs do not reflect this sort of negativity. I want to give hope without recognition and hope it comes across that way.
I am nothing; He is everything. And for me He humbled Himself and came down to earth to die for my sins and those of the whole world…
I am small and humbled these days and even on the days when I get a lot done because I am doing well, I am reminded of my disorder at many levels and how I will suffer like this for the rest of my life on earth. Heaven will be different for there is no suffering there, only Glory to God Most High and praise from us and all the angels and saints. Can’t wait. Wish it was soon…
But I have much to be thankful for just today is not one of those days. As hard as I try I cannot shake the disease today and relax and enjoy the wonderful life that I have.
Part of it is that I have been surrounded by negativity lately and it really brings me down. But I can’t just cut everyone out of my life who brings me down especially when they live with me. This stress is not good for me and my disorder so I must try to rise above it and focus on all the good, the upcoming Hawaii wedding for my son, and the possibility of grandchildren soon and the fact that my mom and dad are both doing well right now despite their frailty.
Must get busy getting things done but don’t feel much like it this morning.
Ah another cup of coffee and I shall be off and running hopefully. Think I will run some errands first to get out of my house and my head.
Running a household is a full time job and I should never say that I don’t work! As hard as I try I can’t get it all done and that is very frustrating…
Here is to a return of hope I had only yesterday and may we all put up the good fight putting on a brave face especially when we feel the complete opposite.