Shake the disease…

Dear readers,

As hard as I try I cannot shake this disease..dis ease, lack of comfort…

Been having weird dreams and not sure what they mean but in the dreams I have this disorder and I don’t enjoy them at all…

I am beginning to understand some of my delusions because of a book I am reading currently. It is about how many people want to be famous. Well growing up I always wanted to be famous and loved by all.

My delusion that I am the most special person to ever live preys on this fact that deep down I wish it to be true. Now that I am past the delusion and humbled by this disorder I don’t want no part of it!

I know I am little and poor in many ways as my sins remind me every day. I still have the tendency towards pride and ashamedly this cropped up while in Boston. I reflect upon some of my comments and feel that many of them were said in the spirit that I was better than others and feel very bad about my malice.

But back down on earth I feel no such thing and I hope and pray that my blogs do not reflect this sort of negativity. I want to give hope without recognition and hope it comes across that way.

I am nothing; He is everything. And for me He humbled Himself and came down to earth to die for my sins and those of the whole world…

I am small and humbled these days and even on the days when I get a lot done because I am doing well, I am reminded of my disorder at many levels and how I will suffer like this for the rest of my life on earth. Heaven will be different for there is no suffering there, only Glory to God Most High and praise from us and all the angels and saints. Can’t wait. Wish it was soon…

But I have much to be thankful for just today is not one of those days. As hard as I try I cannot shake the disease today and relax and enjoy the wonderful life that I have.

Part of it is that I have been surrounded by negativity lately and it really brings me down. But I can’t just cut everyone out of my life who brings me down especially when they live with me. This stress is not good for me and my disorder so I must try to rise above it and focus on all the good, the upcoming Hawaii wedding for my son, and the possibility of grandchildren soon and the fact that my mom and dad are both doing well right now despite their frailty.

Must get busy getting things done but don’t feel much like it this morning.

Ah another cup of coffee and I shall be off and running hopefully. Think I will run some errands first to get out of my house and my head.

Running a household is a full time job and I should never say that I don’t work! As hard as I try I can’t get it all done and that is very frustrating…

Here is to a return of hope I had only yesterday and may we all put up the good fight putting on a brave face especially when we feel the complete opposite.

God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Not taking things too personally…

Dear readers,

I am a very sensitive person by nature but lately I can say that I am not letting other people’s problems affect me as negatively as I once did.

Many of my family members seem to try to drag me down with their problems but I have been able to forge through this negativity and be positive despite their unhappiness…

Feels good and empowering!

Not that it doesn’t bother me, I am still very caring to their problems and offer solutions and encouragement but at the end of the day I go to sleep with a clear conscious that I have done all I can do and that I am not in control of their happiness. I choose love over all and lately it is working for me!

How have I gotten to this place of almost indifference? By taking action, working through therapy and talking to other people with the same sort of problem and in the end choosing my own happiness.

This is freeing so I wanted to share!

Have a great day!

Pax

Victoria

What does being in recovery mean to you?

Dear readers,

I pose this question to myself as well as I believe it means much of the same thing as well as different things too:)

For me being in recovery means I am taking my meds every day, seeing my psychiatrist and therapist, getting stuff done with the occasional chill day, connecting with family and friends on a deep level and strangers that are put in my life or as it may be my day…

It means being ok even when I am not ok and that no matter what my disorder may bring, I won’t give up or in to negative thoughts or suicide.

It means that sometimes I am not perfect in some of it but that some of it I am like taking my meds and seeing my support team.

It is hard to be ok when I am not ok and those moments come and go like the winds but it seems to always pass and there is always a new day to come to do a do-over ha ha. Love that.

Yesterday was one of those day. I took a three hour nap and didn’t exercise because I was exhausted from the weekend activities. I recognized the fact that my body and mind were tired and accepted a less than perfect day in that.

But today is my hubbies 50th birthday so I made it a point to do the things that he wants me to do like garden and exercise. Although I did this for him originally, as I was doing it I was like this is a good thing to be doing!

My husband is very supportive of me lately and is always cheering me on, especially to get the gardens going. I want to do this and although I get tired at times am looking forward to more good weather when I can just get outside and weed and water and plant some pretty flowers and veggies.

Life is good these days and I am rarely bored. I have been spending my chill mornings off the computer and although I am not very good at multi-tasking been making my to do lists and crossing things off which feels great!

So I ask again~what does being in recovery mean to you?

There are so many hours in a day- what helps you when you aren’t feeling up to par?

Hope everyone has a great day! Family dinner tonight and then I will sleep well as usual after a busy day…

God bless

Pax

Victoria

Video went well..coming down after high…

Dear readers,

The video on Saturday went great! I was treated like a queen and the care and attention to my needs by the director and video team was so nice.

It was easier than I thought it would be. I simply shared my story and shared the hope that I try to give on here and everywhere I go, mainly that living with serious mental health disorder although can be frustrating, that there is always hope for better days to come.

They were mesmerized by my story and wanted to keep filming but I didn’t have anything left to share so we ended it on a good note.

I had my own makeup artist by my side so felt like a queen for the day! Will post video after they are done with the edit. Can’t wait to see what they choose to put in the video and have no idea how long it will be but should be interesting for sure.

After filming the video and having a great time, I came home and crashed and a phone call from my mother brought me back down to reality.

Doing things like this and Boston makes me want to do even more as it is now my mission to destigmatize this disorder and others. Being disordered doesn’t mean that we can’t do many things. Some of us are able to work, although not me, and travel and speak when asked.

I am a little low today after a very busy weekend. Yesterday was family day at a local park with beautiful waterfalls. Might even post a pic if I can figure it out. Now that I have come out of the closet so to say with my disorder, I will be changing a little bit of how I do things. More will be coming down the pike in the near future.

Hope you all are doing great!

I did find out that it was a government project so that is very interesting. Not sure why but it seems like there is an explosion of funding for mental health projects. Very exciting and grateful for this!

Have a great day and God bless!

Pax

Victorai

At peace in a balanced way…

Dear readers,

And just in time for the filming of the video tomorrow…

Earlier I felt my nerves a little but my support team calmed me down and now I am at peace and had a very good productive day after a long week of appointments, er visit for my mom, and life…

I wrote a little tonight in my God journal which is aptly titled “Ask and you shall receive”. I read what I wrote a little over a week ago, “Help me God, help me God, help me God”. And He promptly did. God is so amazing.

I do not think of God though all the time like I have in the past even in recovery. I am busy living life and at times my attention is on my family, friends or strangers. I almost always try to do the right thing though, because that is what I believe God wants for us to be in His will, which is doing the right thing. I am not perfect though as none of us are except Jesus and Mary so I am not too hard on myself when I fail which is every day.

I now see my failings as an opportunity to grow in God’s guidance and as I learn more and more about myself I am beginning to feel much more like a person without a disorder.

I had a really good talk with my adult daughter yesterday and she has certainly had her struggles this past year but through therapy she is doing much better now. At one point she was diagnosed with Bipolar II but I am not so sure, if she is it is mild. But she shared something profound with me that helped me today. She shared how her therapist has been working with her on having more of a steady mood rather than the constant highs and lows. I have noticed a difference in her and am so glad that at this point she does not need meds.

My official diagnosis was Schizophrenia but it now has been fine-tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder with bipolar tendencies and OCD. The Schizophrenia is always there and my moods certainly have had their ups and downs but I have been on an even keel as of late thanks to my therapist who is helping me to sort through my delusions and black and white thinking. I am truly blessed to have a therapist I trust and a psychiatrist as well.

So I am off to bed shortly to get a good night’s sleep for the filming tomorrow. It is the first time I have shared my story openly like this so am excited to give others hope that having this disorder is not the end of the world. At times it may feel like it but those times pass and with the help of meds and an awesome support team I am stronger and less disordered and that is how I intend to remain.

Good diet, exercise, supplements and maintaining my closest relationships through thoughtfulness, care and compassion when they don’t get me and sometimes when they do, all helps me to be the best me, someone I am proud to say that I am in recovery and doing well. Despite the fact I can’t work, just keeping up with a house and gardens is a full time job!

Have a great weekend! I will share the link to the video if I can when it is done.

God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Psychiatrist appointment…

Dear readers,

Well it has been a weird week. My mood has been all over the place but that may have to do with my thyroid being out of whack rather than my Schizoaffective Disorder.

Appointment went well. I just love my psychiatrist to death. He is so good at taking my symptoms along with my observations and making sense of it all.

Didn’t make any med changes but made some recommendations that I am already following. I am down ten pounds and have the goal to walk an hour a day before getting into more intense workouts.

Been motivated much of the time lately to get things done but there is just so much to do around here. Can’t imagine if I had to work on top of taking care of the house and gardens. Overwhelming at times.

I love to space clear which basically means getting rid of things I don’t use and then cleaning where they were. It is amazing how much one can accumulate. I give it all to my mother in law who distributes it to the poor and needy so at least it gets to people who might need it and it is just collecting dust here so that’s a good thing.

Been in a bit of a funk with my mood. Not enjoying my Mraz music as much and burnt out on some of my favorite music. Been listening to Casting Crowns a really good uplifting Christian band.

Have my filming on Saturday. Hope this funk passes before then.

I have made my list for the day and just going to go for it after I blog and finish my coffee.

Hope you all are doing great.

God is good!

Pax

Victoria

Faith is all I have…

Dear readers,

Took a little break and wish I could say everything is peachy but I’m struggling again and faith is all I have holding me up.

See my psychiatrist today so that’s good.

Feel off and out of sorts. Unmotivated again but many obstacles in my way which prevent a good routine.

I would like to share some positive affirmations which I plan to read every day.

Our thoughts guide our actions and lately my thoughts have been very dark and obscure sad to say.

So enjoy. Going to sip my coffee and take on a trash project lol. Have a great day everyone and remember don’t give up. Keep the faith in Jesus and you will be one step ahead of the past.

Morning Affirmation 

I welcome today with open arms and a grateful heart. Today marks a fresh start for me! I let go of yesterday, and am excited to embark on a magical, new future. The road ahead is full of wonderful opportunities to improve my life. All good things are now possible for me! 

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 Positive Energy 

Start today by bathing yourself in positive energy. Be in gratitude. Fill your heart with love. Look forward to bright days ahead. Have an awesome day today. Remember, life is beautiful. 

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 Focus on Happiness 

Life is meant to be happy. What you focus on determines your experience. Sit quietly and notice this simple truth. Your thoughts affect your emotions, and your emotions affect your quality of life. Focus on things that make you happy! 

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 Positive and Uplifting Quotes 

If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you. 

Do it over and over again until it becomes part of who you are. 

Continue to move forward regardless of setbacks. Endure and train hard until you reach your goals. 

Believe in yourself and choose to shine. 

Your success is found in your daily routine. 

Pax

Victoria

Letting go of thoughts that don’t make me strong…

Easier said than done ha ha. Sometimes situations and people demand our attention and lead to thoughts of powerlessness, hopelessness, and stress.

Today was one of those days but by the Grace of God I got through it and am now able to relax and enjoy a gorgeous day of sunshine.

Going to do some yoga, walk, take a bath and spend some time with my folks.

Been at the computer less and feel it is God’s will for me these days. It served a purpose for a while and kept me sane, surfing the web but now I get easily bored and am much more interested in life away from my phone and computer. This is what works for me. Computer addiction isn’t pretty and I still use it for relaxing but it is no longer my main go to so with that I will sign off as usual and go and enjoy life….

Pax

Victoria

Therapy helped with psychotic moment…

Dear readers,

I believe we are vulnerable people. Stress, lack of sleep, illness and remembering our past psychotic experiences can be problematic as is what happened to me yesterday. I experienced all of this in one day and I also believe the devil was at play because of yesterday’s post about Jesus being the way, the truth and the light…

By the end of the day I was a wreck and one of my memories before meds and diagnosis is of the voice of Jesus telling me 5 things, all but one of which have come to be in a weird and disordered way. The fifth thing is about one of my children and I won’t get into it but did discuss it with my therapist recently as an event is coming to pass which will mean that it was not the voice of Jesus. She challenge the voice and its meaning and I defended my position that I knew what the voice meant and it did not help me.

When people challenge my delusions I become angry and unreasonable. This is a sign that it is a delusion I have learned.

Well yesterday in a fit of confusion and psychotic moment I wrote in my journal, very weak and in pencil, help me God, help me God, help me God. Then I started to write about my fears but erased it because my husband came in and said I looked ok but looks can be wrong. I had prompted this response from him but knew I just couldn’t share my fears with him at this point. Prior to meds God told me he was going to die and I told him and he thought I was nuts naturally. When he didn’t die I was greatly relieved as God also told me when it would happen. I held my breath all of the month of September 2007. Once again things did not work out.

I should really take a look at how confused I was from 2016 to 2018 and not believe any of it. But delusions are strong and fierce and I never know what will set them off.

Anyway after I wrote to God to help me I had the excellent idea to call my therapist for a phone session. I talked to her later that night and it was very helpful this time. She gently helped me to see things for what they really were about my son and what I thought Jesus had told me. Gently worked because it was beautifully said and received and I no longer believe it was the voice of Jesus but that it was my disorder instead. This is great recovery from a mental disorder.

I have recently shared that my other delusions were smashed. And that was painful. Might bring it up to my therapist next session. May God help her! This is the longest I have seen the same therapist ever. And although she isn’t perfect she is a very good sounding board.

I decided to take a break from the computer as that also was a factor in my demise into delusions again yesterday. But I wanted to share with anyone who reads this the chain of events that has led to this recovery state of being less delusional. My friends and family try to help but in the end it is my therapist who is most helpful.

I have made a few decisions after reading my bible and really trying to disconnect from electronics and toxic people. I decided to delete my email from my phone for this blog. With all the projects coming up I check it way too often and honestly don’t want to be as accessible at the drop of a hat.

I also decided that I am going to choose isolation in preference to people’s company. I have a few good friends but lately most of these gatherings leave me in a state of discontent. A good friend of mine is having surgery Monday so I will go visit her but not overstay or visit too much. My family will be the awesome exception as God gave them to me and I enjoy being with them and being myself which is kind and sometimes funny. I had the giggles the other day as my children were really being funny and it was great fun.

Off to Hawaii soon and will be taking a break from blogging and computer during vacation. I love to snorkel! Just saying. I looked up the meaning of Aloha yesterday and knew it meant more than hello and goodbye and read it also means love and affection especially the spirit of aloha. Very fitting for my son’s wedding and possible grandchild they will be trying to conceive on their honeymoon. So much good stuff to look forward to.

I also have my video for SAMSHA on March 23rd an all day event I have found out. They are filming it in a local hotel and asked me to bring personal items to make it look more like home. I will bring my favorite pics of my family for sure but am also wondering what else to bring. Anybody have any suggestions email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Thanks and God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Does one still suffer from Schizophrenia in recovery?

Dear readers,

Yes and no. Some days are still hard for me but other days are wonderful. I think it may be mind over matter. I prayed to be able to suffer for God and was given the gift of Schizophrenia and much suffering ensued. I lift up all my suffering for those who suffer as well not only with this disorder but also for those impoverished, ignored, unstable for any reason and especially those who have no one to pray for them.

I believe God hears my prayers and although there are days I wish I didn’t pray that prayer, today is not one of them.

I am developing new habits and accomplishing much, spiritual, physical and mental. I read a book recently (can’t remember the title) and it was about how to change your life through habits.

Every day we have a thousand decisions to make and every day we waste time and energy on these decisions. Well the key to success for me is to no longer make these decisions but to have them made for me as habits.

Getting into the habit of reading my bible, praying my rosary, doing my workouts, cleaning my house and space clearing my junk or treasures to someone else that they may help along this road we call life.

Today I woke up early and was going to go back to bed but then I got busy taking care of the mundane and no longer felt the need to go back to bed.

So to answer my original posted question. Not so much anymore today. Because I am so much more than my disorder. I am who God made me to be and although I have been on a new spiritual journey these past 12 hours have realized that I already know the meaning to life. I don’t have to seek out a spiritual guide because the answer is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the light of the world. And although He allows our suffering to exist although sometimes we get stuck all of our suffering is for a purpose and all we have to do is ask Him into our hearts and He will enter.

Our God is a kind benevolent God who will not dare to impose himself on us unless we are Paul of Taurus. He comes in when we ask, and all we have to do is ask. Jesus suffered so much as did His mother. Was it for naught? I know it is not so. His redemptive grace is just that, it saves us and we can walk in the light if we choose to or continue on in the darkness due to our selfish ways.

All we have to do is ask the Holy Spirit to guide us in our days and He will lead us to places beyond our imaginations. And as people with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder our imaginations are pretty awesome and vast.

I am blessed to be a child of God and need nothing more in my life. Possessions don’t possess me. Although I have my many comforts in life I am starting to realize that I don’t even need them anymore. But they are there when I need them.

Pax

Victoria