Suffering still but grateful not hearing voices still…

It’s been 13 years of being afflicted with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder tonight.

When I was little crying was my pasttime.  Crying because things weren’t fair; crying because sadness overwhelmed me.  Now it is known that those times were a precursor to my disorders.

I can’t hide anymore, no I must be honest that I am still suffering but in the midst of this suffering I found someone else who had been afflicted longer than me and she still hears voices.

I am so grateful that I no longer hear voices and thanks to CBD oil my delusions are fading to a great degree.

But the depression still gets to me at times.  But even in that I am grateful because I am not as bad as many other people who are suffering from deep depression or who are undiagnosed and just so unhappy and don’t know why.

Depression, psychosis, voices, delusions are all a part of Schizoaffective Disorder and if you have any of these symptoms all I can say is to check it out.

Fight for the best care; fight to get answers; fight for your life and don’t give up no I will say it again never give up.  You are good enough, strong enough even if it means asking for help.

I’ve been there on the receiving end and am now on the giving end and although I am grateful that I am much much better these days I am here if anyone want to say hello or lean on me for support.



Don’t know how I am doing…

Dear readers,

Well well…

Here I am again readjusting to life after a vacation.  I am very flippant in my moods and really don’t know how I am doing really.

I know what I am not though so will start there.

I know i am not anxious, suicidal, or unhappy.

But I am slightly depressed and apathetic.

I hate not knowing.

I know my mood today has to do with it being Good Friday and the choice to not indulge in things that bring me pleasure.

Today will pass as it always does but I feel the emptiness of the tomb and tabernacle after Jesus died.  A loss but Resurrection Sunday or Easter is right around the corner so there is much to be happy about.

I just am not there today.  Mourning the loss of Jesus is very real for me and I pray the whole world will be saved upon entering eternal rest.

I will now go pray my rosary, the sorrowful mysteries for all of you, my family and yes even me.

God bless you all!




Dear readers,

I’m back from Hawaii and the vacation and wedding were unbelievable…

Aloha is the greeting for Hawaiians and good bye too.  It means love and connection and we did all of that as a family in Hawaii.

It was as if I wasn’t even disordered for the majority of the trip.  I am going to try (and already have) to carry the aloha spirit with me here in California.  I went to the beach yesterday and wore my Hawaiian flower and played Hawaiian music the whole day.  I hung out with a dear friend and her doggie who is so sweet.

The last day of the trip I suffered a little knowing I had to leave paradise but the flight home was spiritual and wonderful!

God revealed His will for me through one of His saint’s books that I read on the plane but I’m going to keep it to myself for now.

The delusions are still gone for the most part but God touched down in Hawaii with the most wonderful wedding day and I love my new daughter in law.  She now calls me suegra which means mother in law in Spanish.

My days are filled with no regret.

Although I know I will suffer again because of this disorder it was nice to have this break.  I’m going to smile more and am smiling right now.

In Hawaii there are always an abundance of rainbows!  They are God’s promise to us that it will stop raining.  How wonderful and beautiful they are.

The ocean, the rainbows and more kept me in such a happy state.

Praying for all of my readers to be encouraged that God loves you all very much.  In nature I see His hand and in His people as well.  Even if you can never go to Hawaii or see the ocean you can admire God’s handiwork in all that He has created, whether it is in the snow, forest or desert.  The sun, the sky, the rain and more all show of God’s goodness.  And when the weather isn’t nice it can lead us to appreciating better days.

The good always passes although I am clinging to it right now.  And the bad always passes as well.  Acceptance is the key to my serenity of my situation whether it be good or bad or in between.

Praise God for nature!



I have it now…

Dear readers,

I have peace, motivation, and productivity now.

My support system is in place and so much good going on.

But that may all change tomorrow lol

Will take it when I have it, so grateful that today, which started out with strange dreams, is coming to pass to be a very good productive day.

I do want heaven one day but for now I feel I have heaven on earth.

I have people in my life who love and support me and remind me to get off my butt and do things, which almost always helps.

Today my husband as he was leaving to work at 7 reminded me to do things in a way that he took notice of my activity which as of late has been ok but not great.  He reminded me to garden, which I did and not to just sit around all day watching my shows.  I do do that but do get some stuff done.  Well today my list of accomplishments is mile high and I feel really good about that.

Yesterday and the day before I was at a lost for what to do which sucked because I have this amazing vacation coming up and I am sure I could have been more productive but was not.  Ah well, can’t get those days back.

I am either hot or cold lately.  The other day I did a 5K in 68 minutes and was wiped out for a couple of days.  Ever since my surgeries haven’t been able to do three miles consistently.  But I did three miles+ with just one five minute break in between.

I do wish I was this motivated every day but know that is not possible with this disorder.  Now that my husband sees that I cannot work due to the stress involved I see myself not having any more relapses.  I’ve been pretty stress free and know how to keep my stress at bay.

CBD oil by GoTerpy helps with my anxiety and delusions along with my anti-anxiety meds.  But taking very little of that too lately because I know my triggers and can control them for the most part!

Will be gone a week in Hawaii starting Saturday so enjoy the break from my ramblings and take it easy too!




Loving God

Today readers, is a letter to God from me

Thank you God for your special gift of Jesus on the Cross and for the special absolution today for my many sins.  I know that by your cross I am saved but I thank you for leading me to the Catholic Faith and for all the sacraments that it offers.

I love you God and know that you are with me every second of every day and that you have led me thus far and will not let me go now.

I lift all my suffering of having this disorder for the many lost souls in this world.  Those who do not know you, those who are misguided, those who speak without knowing what they are saying.  I know I am not perfect but that you are and in this I know my many mistakes are forgiven by you.  I humbly submit to your will wherever that path may take me.

I thank you for this gift of schizophrenia and even when I am not grateful due to all the suffering involved, may I always look to You in all things and be at peace knowing that I am not running the world and that even though I think I may know your will please continue to guide me in all I do and bless everyone reading this please.

In Jesus through Mary,