Reset button…

Dear readers,

Well it has been a tough month for sure.  Been making poor food choices, not exercising last few days and mindset questionable.

But I see my psychiatrist this week and it will be good to check in with him on all counts.

I love the reset button and today I know will be a good day because I have the right mindset, to make healthier choices and to pray more, which is how God is leading me and I love it.

Last night I prayed all night because I was in such a bad place with my choices.  I took a hot bath and relaxed and prayed until I fell asleep.  Ok so not quite in that order but you get the picture.  All I have is prayer and I have even been praying in the spirit which feels great for my soul.

Been spending a lot of time with my folks and the people where my dad lives.  I pray for all the residents and the workers who take such awesome care of them.  So happy my mom and dad are still alive and it is so precious to see them loving on each other even in my dad’s diminished capacity.

Life is good and I must remember that on days when I don’t do all set out to do or even try to do the next right thing.

My sister in law is doing amazing after her brain surgery!  Thank you Jesus!

God is so good, He is good to me and all!

Pax

Victoria

Dually diagnosed…

Dear readers,

Well here I am at day one again being sober and clean.  I have chased that high and I had an epiphany yesterday that I don’t want to be high or buzzed and I know it is not what God wants for me.

So back to AA for this gal with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder.  I must do my part and start working a solid program again.

This last relapse has been hard for several reasons.  I got an injection of morphine at the hospital a month ago and loved it… it led to drinking a little and then trying thc again all in moderation but it is just not where i want to be.  I want to be sober for me, my family and especially my future grandchildren one day.

I know how to live sober but for some reason I get a year or two and then I fall.  Addiction is a part of my life and I am trying to get addicted to healthy things like yoga, meditation and walking along with eating healthy and keeping up with the house and cooking.

Using brings feelings of shame and guilt and I no longer want a part of this sick cycle that only leads me down dangerous roads.

I missed the last two appointments for my psychiatrist because I was sick both days.  This is not good!  I see my therapist this week but my sponsor is gone for nine long days so can’t wait till she gets back and we can start meeting regularly again.

For now I am just vaping nicotine.  I hate this addiction as well but it is all I have and it works.

Mentally I am great though.  No symptoms of this disorder right now which is great.  And lesson learned.  I need to be sober and clean to make this life work so sober it is once again.

Pray all of you are doing well.

Blessings,

Pax

Victoria

God’s will be done in all…

Dear readers,

We don’t know how long we have on this humble earth.

All we have is right now, this moment in time, the future is unknown to all.

I trust in God in all things but sometimes it is so hard and the pain is unbearable.

So all I can pray is, “Thy will be done, Thy will be done, Thy will be done”

All is well with me but my sister in law is currently undergoing brain surgery for a tumor and I am sending out messages to all to ask for prayer for her.  She is an amazing person and is loved by many.  She is selfless.  God please give her more time on this humble earth.  Jesus I trust in Thee.

Pax

Victoria

Not giving up! But not where I want to be…

Dear readers,

Wow!  I feel like I have been doing so well lately that when a hard day or two hits I am like, “What the F?”  Sorry but it’s hard having this disorder and sometimes words really say it all.

I relapsed on alcohol but got right back on track and have been back at meetings.  I reinjured my bursa (hip) and am getting a shot today for the pain.  I haven’t been able to walk much due to physical limitations (I really feel my age these days) but then I look at people older than me and I am like I’m falling apart.  Yesterday at the beach I saw this older woman in a skirt who was building a circle with stones or shells (couldn’t quite see) and i was like dang I hope that’s me one day ha ha.

And then there is the mental.  As I have shared before my parents are both still alive but frail in many ways.  I have been spending a lot of time with them lately and it is all good but it is hard on me mentally to not have them like when I was younger.  I miss going to coffee with my dad and taking long walks with my mom.

Been fighting negativity as hard as I can and winning for the most part.  Life can be great or life can be blah.  Must find an in between state of just contentment.  I have some good friends which is great and I even occasionally make some new ones yet I spend a lot lot of time alone.  Not sure what I prefer really.

My ideal life would be one where I did my yoga practice faithfully and meditated more often.  Do no harm is my mantra and I regret my past offenses against nature.  Death even for a small creature is hard and I must appreciate all life that God gives.  It may seem silly but even an insect has life and must be valued no matter how small.  I still kill gnats and flies and don’t always feel bad about that.

Living in the moment is my goal and to appreciate every day I am alive.  Letting go of thoughts that do not make me strong and being grateful for everything.  The mundane, the awesome, the blah.

In pain right now with my hip so hard to appreciate life right now.

Hope and pray all is well with all of you:)

Pax

Victoria

All that matters…

Dear readers,

I am afraid at times, when I fall, when I give in, when I want to give up!

More than surviving these days, but the last two days have been sick and failing at some things and other things doing really well at.

To be called a Schizophrenia survivor means so much!  I have a life beyond my dreams.  And even though I am not currently doing all the things that need to get done I know that all that matters is that I trust in God.  Completely, freely and wholeheartedly.

Temptations are all around and too often I give in.  Won’t share precisely what I am talking about but it all has to do with honesty.  I hide things.  We all do I suppose but been thinking about this a lot lately.  I wish i could be honest in all my affairs…

Just now ordered some dressy yoga pants, three pairs.  Wow!  And won’t tell the hubby.  That is just one thing.

All I have is God to rely on and I surely do or I would just fall apart and I know i would give up without God directing my life.

Pax

Victoria

In the spirit of Mental Health Awareness month…what would it be like if…

Dear readers,

If it didn’t exist?  If the world was all mentally fit?  If mental disorders didn’t exist?

Boring!  Like my mundane life right now.  I’m not always bored to say the least but without all the constant drama between psychotic episodes, deep depressions, severe anxiety and OCD it is nice to be bored at times:)

Oh I miss the excitement my disorder used to bring me in a sick sort of way.

I mean when God speaks one listens.  It’s pretty hard not to really.  But I will take the silence.

Many hear voices that are negative and mean but with the rare exception my voices were all positive although urgent and demanding at times.  But what I believed to be God wasn’t true.

The medicine keeps the voices away and the CBD oil keeps the delusions at bay along with medication.  I know i will need meds my entire life.  I have tried going off of them with only suicidal thoughts to follow.

I accept my disorder and pray it doesn’t rear up again its ugly head.  Because I will take the quiet, the mundane, the almost boring.

My relationshiips are all solid.  My marriage never better.  My kids make me proud and today I got to baby my granddoggie.  Can’t wait for the real thing though (grandkids!).

Learning about my disorder was the smartest thing i ever did.  If you are newly diagnosed with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder, do some research and learn about ways that therapy, supplements and healthy living can all help you to get to a better place.

Pax

Victoria

A lighter kind of post with a kick…

Dear readers,

In the six years of blogging about my ups and downs I have sure shared some very personal and hard posts along with some successes.  Now that I am doing so well I don’t have those kind of posts to share anymore.  Life is not full of drama and psychotic state of mind.  It is awesome really and I will take this period of quiet for what it is worth, everything.

But I miss blogging and writing so today I am going to focus on all the good in my life and boy there is a lot!

My days are spent with my dogs, especially Butter who I have given a new nickname, Baby Butterfall, spending lots of time around waterfalls so I love when I have a new name for her.

Dog is God spelled backwards.  Do you think this is a mistake?  I think God loves dogs as they bring so much happiness to their owners and the people that they encounter!  I have been going to the beach a lot since getting back from Hawaii and there always is some cute dog to pet and love and talk with the owners for a bit on my merry way.

My dog Butter is so content with life as am I right now.  Right now she has her rawhide and is happily chewing on it until I get around to feeding her her breakfast.  She loves to be pet especially at night before I put her away in her kennel.  She makes piggy noises when I pet her and talk to her cute.  She provides so much emotional support…

I also have been spending a lot of time with the newlyweds.  We have so much going on and i love how we have so many plans to do things.  Mother’s Day this Sunday, trip to La following week visiting her family and mine but oh yeah I forgot we are all family now!

The garden is coming along nicely although it is slow.  I spend a half an hour out there several days a week and I love it!

But what I love the most is knowing Jesus in an unextraordinary way.  I speak to Him often and Mary and implore God to answer all my prayers.  God does not speak to me anymore and I like it like that!  Haven’t heard voices for a while and I like the quiet.

I’ve been taking better care of my physical appearance and might even share a pic one of these days.  Walking a lot or a little depending on the weather.  I like to walk with my daughter or a friend and just talk and talk.

Life is certainly not boring.  It is amazing and I am so happy these days for the reasons above and more…

If you are not at a good place I ask you if you know the Lord?  He wants to know you and all you have to do is ask Jesus into your heart and wonderful things will follow!  The Holy Spirit is active around the globe and my life has never been better.

God bless,

pax

Victoria

I still feel but it is diminished…

Dear readers,

Pretty even keel these days.  But got some sad news this weekend about my sister in law.  She has a brain tumor but it is operable and scheduled for end of May.  Pretty sad and scared as she has such a full life, many grandchildren and great kids.  My husband was the one who said we need to go see her before her surgery.  So we are going.  I am glad for his initiative because I didn’t even think about going on my own.

She was very happy to hear we are coming, me, my hubbie and the newlyweds!  Although I am very sad I feel like I should be feeling more than just sad.  The fact that I want to feel more is a good thing though because at least I can recognize this lack of sympathy for her and all the family.

The operation is supposed to have good statistics for recovery.  But here I am obsessing about how I look these days when her life hangs in the balance.  Brain surgery is no walk in the park and i just want her to know that I am there for her.

She is a believer so her faith in God is not shaken, rather it is increased.  This has not always been the case.  Her parents raised her without any religious instruction so imagine how happy I was when she accepted Christ into her life and began a Christian life.

God is good.  Still no complaints.

Been spending a lot of time with my folks.  Pretty much every other day average I take my mom to see my dad who is not doing so well.  I appreciate every moment I get to spend with them and feel good about my habit to get them together.

Haven’t felt like walking or gardening lately but have been doing a little bit of both anyway because I know it is necessary.

Pray all of you are well!

Pax

Victoria

Suffering no longer, at peace with self and God…

Dear readers,

I pray you are all well…

I have been on a streak of good days, enjoying time with the hubbie and kids and dogs (Butter is still my favorite pup though).  Time at the beach, time in the garden, time to relax, time to clean and organize.

Do you see a theme here?  I do.  I am no longer suffering and will take it.

I am living my life symptom free.

Oh I take my meds!  Faithfully.  Along with supplements, cbd oil mainly, therapy, good reading and making time for prayer.  Even have snuck in some yoga and meditation.  And walking again.  4 miles today:) and at the beach!

God is good.  I have no complaints.

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria