Tired of the apathy… but there is hope!:)

Dear readers,

Do any of you get tired of being apathetic?  I do.  Lately I have been drinking a little again and I love it when I feel that buzz but don’t like to get drunk.  It’s a hard balance to maintain.  The restaurants with bars either don’t give me the buzz or give me the buzz too much and then I don’t feel safe driving so I sit there and it sucks.  Actually been drinking socially, two drinks, with friends and husband but again too many problems.

I like the way it feels but then it goes away or stays too long.  Can’t smoke weed, tried it and didn’t like the feeling of getting high.

I did have a breakthrough today though.  I finally got a hold of a new life transformation coach who is Buddhist… it took her so long to get back to me because she is on a long retreat.  That makes me feel good that she does things like that, gets away without much cell reception to take care of herself.

I feel like I need a retreat but I miss my home, kids and hubbie, and doggies too much when I go away but I think I will try it.  Going to google retreats when I am done blogging.

My new coach will give me homework and hopefully help me to realize some of the goals I have to be at a better place.  Yoga and meditation are what I want to be doing but for some reason haven’t been doing it.

Tried AA for the drinking but I don’t really know if I am actually an alcoholic because I can stop after a drink or two and I still get a lot done.

I see her or talk to her on the phone on July 10th when she gets back so really looking forward to gleaning some of her wisdom and zen.

Hope everyone is doing well.  Although I am in a rut, my mental health is better than ever except for the drinking.  If you could say a prayer for guidance from above for me that would be great.  And prayers are always returned in full force.

Blessings

Pax

Victoria

Some days just suck…

Dear readers,

Today is not one of them though, ha ha.  But the other day I really fell out of my groove and did way to much which led to a feeling of being out of control which I did not like.

Today I am unmotivated to do anything productive.  But that’s ok because I did a lot yesterday for my daughter’s birthday.  Yes I still spoil my adult children because I don’t have any grandchildren yet and I love to do it.

I have been doing pretty good at keeping things pretty level.  Walking and yoga are my best friends.  And the occasional drink.  I finally got honest with my hubbie that I am having a drink now and again.  But I start obsessing over having a drink which is not good.  So I am praying for this obsession to be removed so that I can go out with my hubbie and have a couple of drinks which we did the other night and had so much fun hanging out with his soon to be ex boss and husband.

Life is good and even though the house is a mess and I am not motivated to do anything about it that’s ok because I know I will eventually.  The funny thing is that there is no cheese in the fridge and my kids are freaking out.  I need to get to the store but don’t feel like doing that either.  But I will later today.

I am thinking about having bariatric  surgery.  But I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle the diet afterwards but want desperately to lose these 75 pounds.  I have tried everything!  You name it and I have gone down that road.  My dad noticed the other day that I had gained weight.  That’s funny because although he has dementia he still notices things about me.  Seriously, I am sick of being obese at 235 again.  I have lost the weight before but always gain it back.  So it seems like it is the only option for me to have surgery and knowing me I will go for the big bang- gastric bypass!  It changes the metabolic condition that causes hunger so I am going to a seminar on July 1st.  We shall see and appreciate any prayers for all to be in God’s perfect most adorable will!

God is good I must say because He never leaves or forsakes me even at this heavy weight!

Wishing you all a great rest of the week.  Keep on trucking to a better life, one filled with life and blessings around every corner.f

For me I am going to clean up my house because I know I will feel better afterwards!

Blessings,

Pax

Victoria

We are all interconnected…

Love knows no barriers

each step we take takes us closer to heaven and to each other

are we ready?

are we in God’s perfect will?

are we doing what we ought to every breath, every moment?

shall we all go together?

leaving no one behind?

Our disorders connects us, each and every one of us

Don’t spend time wishing it away

embrace who you are and the life God has given us

Don’t hate it for it makes you very special in an infinite number of ways

But get help if it is interfering in your life

I did and for that I am truly grateful!

God is good, God is pure, God is love

Pax

Victoria

Tiny victories add up to something big in mental health…

Dear readers,

I have been reading again and my latest treasure is called “On being Human” by Pastiloff, Jennifer which is a delightful memoir on, you guessed it, on being human, despite difficulties.  It is about acceptance and the realization that we are all human but it is our attitude that makes the difference.

Having a mental health disorder means many things.  And the most important part that sits well with me is the fact that the more I do things that aid in the best mental health possible the better I will be…

I took a break from blogging for a time but I am now at the point where after this needed break I am ready to share with all my readers what I have been up to.  Mainly yoga, meditation and developing a practice which is non competitive and wholesome.

I don’t do yoga every day but I embrace the philosophy it embodies.  Non judgmental, peaceful and embracing my body with its curves and all.  It’s a way of life and I am loving it.

Prior to starting a yoga practice I was not always happy and although I still have my moments I am practicing patience and the mantra “do no harm” I am embracing.  To me all life is precious and I no longer take for granted the things that once escaped my notice.

Life is full and so amazing.  There isn’t time for pity that I can’t work or for negative self talk that I am a failure.  No instead I am loving life and happy that the medicines work so well along with full spectrum cbd oil from Goterpy.

My delusions are gone and I wake up every day to a day that I look forward to and although I still have hard days it isn’t so much because of the Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder but rather because I am human.

So I hope to blog more about this new journey.  I have found my passion and yoga is only the start.  I hope to be nicotine free soon but for now I am just noticing things and the way they make me feel.

Have a great day!

Pax

Victoria

Back to the basics, goal to blog more…

Dear readers,

I haven’t been blogging much these days because I have been doing so well mentally thanks to full spectrum cbd oil.  Been somewhat productive, been praying, been taking each moment for what it is, been helping my folks…

Yet today I am disgusted with my weight and don’t have motivation to do anything about it.  I crave high calorie foods and due to injuries haven’t been exercising like I want to.  Also lack of motivation on my part.

It is beautiful outside and I want to walk but yet here I sit blogging.  It is supposed to be hot again today and If I don’t walk now I may not do it due to the heat.

I am listening to Elvis Presley gospel music and speaks to my soul.

Negative thoughts pervade my very being.  You are fat, you are a failure, you suck.  I know I must change my mindset but it is hard when I am so overweight and addicted to vaping nicotine.

Good news though is that I am now sober once again.  I went to an AA meeting last night after an awesome dinner with my hubbie.  It was depressing:(  I have been going to meetings for ten years and I don’t feel like I get very much out of them.  Is this the disease at work and at play?  I wonder as I type…

I reconnected with an old best friend and it was great. We got sober at the same time 5 years ago but I needed to do more research and the results are in, I am an alcoholic for sure.  I cannot drink or smoke pot like ordinary people.  I start to obsess and it just isn’t good for my mental health.

So I will reach out to Jesus, He’s reaching out to me and you.  Jesus please help!

Glad my fractured mind is doing so well.  I don’t work and that is great.  My husband got a promotion but I also spent a lot last month that he doesn’t know about.  Oops!  Addiction follows me at many levels.

I quit with my therapist as I don’t feel like it was beneficial.

If I could just get control of my eating and exercise I will be one happy gal.  I know it all starts with one step but that first step is the hardest to take. …

I will not give up on my diet and exercise.  One of the medications I am causes this desire for high fat food.  I can blame it on that I guess but am sick of spending money on programs to lose weight.

Sorry I I’m rambling but it feels good to get these thoughts out there into the universe.  if these are the least of my concerns I am doing pretty darn well.

I have said before that I would rather be fat and mentally fit than skinny and mentally unwell.  So that is a start but I won’t give up on the weight loss.

Now that I am sober again I can make a plan and if I fall short at least I have started.

PRay all of you are doing well.

If anyone has success at losing weight on Risperdal and keeping it off please let me know.  I would appreciate any tips.

You can email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

or leave a comment if that is easier.

God bless and keep you all!

Pax

Victoria