After coming back to the Catholic Faith in 1999 I had deep spiritual experiences that led me to pray to be able to suffer for God as He suffered so much for us on the cross and the time when He was separated from God the Father. I prayed sincerely and God not only heard my prayers but answered them in full force. I did not know what this suffering would be and little did I know that it would be the gift of Schizophrenia.
This suffering at times has been unbearable but it has been said to fall down 7 times but to get up 8. Well I have fallen frequently since receiving the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 but always get up with gratefulness to God for allowing me to share in His glorious suffering.
The mind though is a tricky thing as it is hard to know how much is delusional and how much is true.
Take last week for example. It was the hardest week of my life yet I got through it successfully and give all glory to God for holding me up when all I wanted to do was to stay down. I do not hate my suffering but hate that others have had to suffer because of me along the way due to my disorder.
There is no suffering that is without merit I believe and in all my suffering I pray for all my family, friends, followers and readers, the souls in purgatory and those who have no one to pray for them. I do not know how much my prayers are worthy but I believe that God is a God of mercy who honors my desire to please Him in all I do so that my prayers are heard as they were heard to be able to suffer for Him in 2005.
I am still confused about much of my disorder and the times when I was psychotic. But I have come to rest in the fact that I do not have all the answers just the desire to please God.
I pray not for this suffering to end but for the ability to hold on to God’s promise to us all that He will hold us up when we can’t and always be with us. Last week was so so hard and I could hardly pray and it is then that I believe that the Spirit prays for me and honors all my prayer requests even if at the time I am unable to even look up to God and look up to the Heavens.
Suffering with Schizophrenia is not easy for sure but the road to my salvation is just that a road of which at times I feel I have no control over where I am going. I am led by the Spirit at times and when I am cognizant of this I am at peace. Please pray that I never give up because that would mean suicide which I believe would be the cowards way out of all of this and today I want to live as hard as that can be.
Wishing you all a wonderful peace filled week!