The Reason I started this blog…

Second blog today, I know, but here I am all alone, without a care in the world except which Christmas movie I will watch next.

Oh, I have family and loved ones who love me too. I am fortunate for that and spent last night and most of today with them but felt compelled to reach out to my readers, old and new, to try to explain why I maintain this blog since 2013.

I want to help others who share this same affliction, Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder rather and their loved ones. I want to give hope to all and to help the world better understand people like me who suffer with this dastard disorder and provide this “hope” so that they or you all, too, can live normal lives and not be scared and even if you are alone too but to feel some connection with others like you.

This blog has had a steady flow of visitors and views the past couple of weeks which is awesome. I don’t know your stories, I only share mine with its ups and downs and my free pass right now to good mental health. I am fortunate for I have an excellent psychiatrist and awesome support at many levels.

I urge you all to continue this fight and never give up. Yes I want you to Have it all as Jason Mraz sings so freely. May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows. All you can imagine. If you believe it anything can happen. You, too, can have it all.

Keep up the fight and don’t stop believing in yourself above all. Don’t stop trying to find the right medication and when you find the right cocktail as I have found after ten years, don’t stop taking it even if you feel somewhat normal again. Find a good therapist you trust and build your support team. Stick with positive people and never give in to suicidal thoughts no matter how bad you feel. It will get better if you just keep trying to manage yours or your loved ones disorder. Believe and believe me that God wants the best for you no matter your color, size, sexual preference or religion or anything else which may seemingly separate us from each other!

May God bless and keep you all.

Email me anytime especially if you are alone this holiday season. I am on bedrest again due to my hospitalizations and would like nothing better to do than receive and answer a few emails no matter your circumstances or where you live!

at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

What are some of the benefits of having Schizophrenia?

To all,

Today is a new day and I have much to be grateful for.

When I received the gift of Schizophrenia later fine-tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder I thought my world was ending, but now I realize on the other side of my diagnosis that it was only the beginning.

There are many disadvantages of being afflicted with this, too many to list but there are benefits as well which I would like to share today.

I don’t have to work. I can spend my days in prayer for my loved ones, my neighbors, and for those who have no one to pray for them. I don’t spend the whole day in prayer but I do pray a few decades of the rosary for the previously mentioned and kick back in peace and trust God to do the rest.

Now that I am doing better once again and that I don’t have to work another benefit is the support I receive from my loved ones and the occasional compassionate person who I share with my diagnosis. It used to be just my daughter but now it is my husband (may God bless his soul) and people like the kind nurse Stephanie I met while I was in the hospital. I gave her my website as she was interested in my story and if she is reading this I just want to thank her for being so kind and non judgmental with my diagnosis and being sensitive to my needs while being in the hospital. It’s people like that that don’t make me hate my disorder.

Along with this same breath is the wonderful readers who read this and say a prayer or send an email or comment that brightens my day. I am praying for each and every one of you as well as we journey together. Where there is suffering there is much joy and now that I have accepted the fact that I can’t work, I can refocus my efforts on my house and hopefully after I recovery from my surgery and hospitalizations for my gallbladder I will get back to gardening which I very much enjoy!

So life is good once again! And I thank God especially for carrying me through the dark times as I continue to recover from this disorder. If you are new to this blog you can read about my gift of schizophrenia here. https://schizophreniarecovery.us/the-gift/

May God bless each of you all as we continue on this journey together, the road to recovery from Schizophrenia. Praying especially for an awesome new year 2019. So much to be grateful for really.

Pax

Victoria

I say my good by-

Dear readers,

yes it is true I am no longer going to be blogging. Wow! So this blog is my last!

I am on a path to different things and must focus.

pax

Victoria

you can say some goodbyes to me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

At peace at last…

I struggle a lot but then there are periods when I don’t struggle at all. I am learning a lot through trial and error what works and what doesn’t!

I am at peace now after a couple of difficult days. Will blog more soon but happy to be at a better place 🙏

pax

Victoria

Too much stimuli can be bad but not enough isn’t good either….

Dear readers,

Happy Sunday!  As I sit here this morning I was debating about blogging or not.  Well we’ll see if this post gets published.

I am not in a terrible place but not a good one either.  I am bored with myself.  And I know it has to do with quitting drinking but I know it was the best decision to make and know this feeling of blah will pass.  I know I want to be sober for many reasons and that I am an alcoholic even if I never got a drunk driving or had anything terrible happen.  I obsess over my next drink and have to have one or two every day and this last drunk I had made friends with the bartender which to some may be a good thing but to me it opened my eyes.

He had been making my drinks really strong and this last time he came over and poured some extra in my glass and I couldn’t not drink it.  I had to wait three hours before I could drive and knew I could never go back there as it would happen again and luckily that day I didn’t have to be anywhere so it worked out but now that he did that once (got me drunk) I know I can’t go there again as the same thing might happen.  So I just disappeared from the bar and it’s been a week since the occurrence.  I’m good at disappearing:)

As to the title of this blog I ponder about my need for self care.  I can’t be places where there is a lot of noise or activity but also I don’t like it when I am alone and the silence is sometimes too much.  Hoping my new therapist will help me to be able to balance between the two.

My husband’s best friend came for the weekend and yesterday it was too much with my husband making breakfast and his friend and my sons all in the kitchen with a huge mess from the day before.  I went to the park and played my zen music and was able to feel better after an hour and came home and tackled the dishes and hung out with my kids.  It was a good day but had its moments for sure.

Today the house is quiet but with much to do and not doing it yet but will soon.  Music is playing while I blog and still in love with Jason Mraz.  He has a concert coming up in October my birthday month when I will be turning 50 (more on that in a minute) but I might not go to the concert because he dresses up with his banana suit and sings all these deep songs but I can’t stand what he is wearing ha ha.  So I will wait and see because the last concert I went to he was wearing it and still is in the Philippines so we shall see.

As to turning 50, I am pretty excited about it.  That is a huge milestone.  And although I might not be where I want to be right now I know what I like and what works for the most part but am looking forward to hearing what my zen therapist has to say about some areas of my life that need changing and the good part is that I know what they are just sort of stuck.

So we shall see with how she can help and as usual I will report back.

Hope you all are doing well.  I pray for you all every night before sleep…

Pax

Victoria

Feeling out of sorts…

Dear readers,

Today nothing tastes good.  I have quit drinking and been watching my calories and increased protein and fiber and weighed today and up three pounds:( So what do I do?  I make chocolate chip pancakes to drown in my sorrows and it didn’t even taste good.  Only had one…

I have an appointment with my regular doctor to discuss my weight problem and hopefully will get some answers.  Hoping she can give me weight loss pills to help with the hunger that I feel.

I know I have said before I would rather than be fat and sane than skinny and psychotic.  Well today I am sane and fat and feeling like there must be some other answer.  I thought that quitting drinking my calories and watching my intake would yield results but alas didn’t work.

I have been working out every day almost and while it feels good also would have thought it would have caused some weight loss.

Enough about my weight I am bored even typing out these words.

I am fixing up my guest room and now calling it my meditation room.  I bought a cool bedspread and new desk and bookshelf and wall hang.  It is all very zen so hoping to bring more peace in the room I spend most of my time.

Relationships are all solid as are the finances so I have  lot to be grateful for.

My husband’s work changed owners so he will be making more money so going to try to not spend too much although I spent some on my meditation room.  I must be a better steward with our money.

My parents are both doing well.  So happy they are both alive and well for the most part.

I’m just down right now and don’t have any answers  but at least I am not psychotic thanks to the cbd oil I now take.  Seriously it is a game changer!

Well I am off to prep my meditation room for painting.

Hope you are all doing well.  I know this mood will pass but for now I am not smiling and as grateful as I know I should be.  Must avoid the word should!  I am where I am.  Safe.

Pax

Victoria

Tired of the apathy… but there is hope!:)

Dear readers,

Do any of you get tired of being apathetic?  I do.  Lately I have been drinking a little again and I love it when I feel that buzz but don’t like to get drunk.  It’s a hard balance to maintain.  The restaurants with bars either don’t give me the buzz or give me the buzz too much and then I don’t feel safe driving so I sit there and it sucks.  Actually been drinking socially, two drinks, with friends and husband but again too many problems.

I like the way it feels but then it goes away or stays too long.  Can’t smoke weed, tried it and didn’t like the feeling of getting high.

I did have a breakthrough today though.  I finally got a hold of a new life transformation coach who is Buddhist… it took her so long to get back to me because she is on a long retreat.  That makes me feel good that she does things like that, gets away without much cell reception to take care of herself.

I feel like I need a retreat but I miss my home, kids and hubbie, and doggies too much when I go away but I think I will try it.  Going to google retreats when I am done blogging.

My new coach will give me homework and hopefully help me to realize some of the goals I have to be at a better place.  Yoga and meditation are what I want to be doing but for some reason haven’t been doing it.

Tried AA for the drinking but I don’t really know if I am actually an alcoholic because I can stop after a drink or two and I still get a lot done.

I see her or talk to her on the phone on July 10th when she gets back so really looking forward to gleaning some of her wisdom and zen.

Hope everyone is doing well.  Although I am in a rut, my mental health is better than ever except for the drinking.  If you could say a prayer for guidance from above for me that would be great.  And prayers are always returned in full force.

Blessings

Pax

Victoria

Some days just suck…

Dear readers,

Today is not one of them though, ha ha.  But the other day I really fell out of my groove and did way to much which led to a feeling of being out of control which I did not like.

Today I am unmotivated to do anything productive.  But that’s ok because I did a lot yesterday for my daughter’s birthday.  Yes I still spoil my adult children because I don’t have any grandchildren yet and I love to do it.

I have been doing pretty good at keeping things pretty level.  Walking and yoga are my best friends.  And the occasional drink.  I finally got honest with my hubbie that I am having a drink now and again.  But I start obsessing over having a drink which is not good.  So I am praying for this obsession to be removed so that I can go out with my hubbie and have a couple of drinks which we did the other night and had so much fun hanging out with his soon to be ex boss and husband.

Life is good and even though the house is a mess and I am not motivated to do anything about it that’s ok because I know I will eventually.  The funny thing is that there is no cheese in the fridge and my kids are freaking out.  I need to get to the store but don’t feel like doing that either.  But I will later today.

I am thinking about having bariatric  surgery.  But I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle the diet afterwards but want desperately to lose these 75 pounds.  I have tried everything!  You name it and I have gone down that road.  My dad noticed the other day that I had gained weight.  That’s funny because although he has dementia he still notices things about me.  Seriously, I am sick of being obese at 235 again.  I have lost the weight before but always gain it back.  So it seems like it is the only option for me to have surgery and knowing me I will go for the big bang- gastric bypass!  It changes the metabolic condition that causes hunger so I am going to a seminar on July 1st.  We shall see and appreciate any prayers for all to be in God’s perfect most adorable will!

God is good I must say because He never leaves or forsakes me even at this heavy weight!

Wishing you all a great rest of the week.  Keep on trucking to a better life, one filled with life and blessings around every corner.f

For me I am going to clean up my house because I know I will feel better afterwards!

Blessings,

Pax

Victoria

We are all interconnected…

Love knows no barriers

each step we take takes us closer to heaven and to each other

are we ready?

are we in God’s perfect will?

are we doing what we ought to every breath, every moment?

shall we all go together?

leaving no one behind?

Our disorders connects us, each and every one of us

Don’t spend time wishing it away

embrace who you are and the life God has given us

Don’t hate it for it makes you very special in an infinite number of ways

But get help if it is interfering in your life

I did and for that I am truly grateful!

God is good, God is pure, God is love

Pax

Victoria

Tiny victories add up to something big in mental health…

Dear readers,

I have been reading again and my latest treasure is called “On being Human” by Pastiloff, Jennifer which is a delightful memoir on, you guessed it, on being human, despite difficulties.  It is about acceptance and the realization that we are all human but it is our attitude that makes the difference.

Having a mental health disorder means many things.  And the most important part that sits well with me is the fact that the more I do things that aid in the best mental health possible the better I will be…

I took a break from blogging for a time but I am now at the point where after this needed break I am ready to share with all my readers what I have been up to.  Mainly yoga, meditation and developing a practice which is non competitive and wholesome.

I don’t do yoga every day but I embrace the philosophy it embodies.  Non judgmental, peaceful and embracing my body with its curves and all.  It’s a way of life and I am loving it.

Prior to starting a yoga practice I was not always happy and although I still have my moments I am practicing patience and the mantra “do no harm” I am embracing.  To me all life is precious and I no longer take for granted the things that once escaped my notice.

Life is full and so amazing.  There isn’t time for pity that I can’t work or for negative self talk that I am a failure.  No instead I am loving life and happy that the medicines work so well along with full spectrum cbd oil from Goterpy.

My delusions are gone and I wake up every day to a day that I look forward to and although I still have hard days it isn’t so much because of the Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder but rather because I am human.

So I hope to blog more about this new journey.  I have found my passion and yoga is only the start.  I hope to be nicotine free soon but for now I am just noticing things and the way they make me feel.

Have a great day!

Pax

Victoria

Back to the basics, goal to blog more…

Dear readers,

I haven’t been blogging much these days because I have been doing so well mentally thanks to full spectrum cbd oil.  Been somewhat productive, been praying, been taking each moment for what it is, been helping my folks…

Yet today I am disgusted with my weight and don’t have motivation to do anything about it.  I crave high calorie foods and due to injuries haven’t been exercising like I want to.  Also lack of motivation on my part.

It is beautiful outside and I want to walk but yet here I sit blogging.  It is supposed to be hot again today and If I don’t walk now I may not do it due to the heat.

I am listening to Elvis Presley gospel music and speaks to my soul.

Negative thoughts pervade my very being.  You are fat, you are a failure, you suck.  I know I must change my mindset but it is hard when I am so overweight and addicted to vaping nicotine.

Good news though is that I am now sober once again.  I went to an AA meeting last night after an awesome dinner with my hubbie.  It was depressing:(  I have been going to meetings for ten years and I don’t feel like I get very much out of them.  Is this the disease at work and at play?  I wonder as I type…

I reconnected with an old best friend and it was great. We got sober at the same time 5 years ago but I needed to do more research and the results are in, I am an alcoholic for sure.  I cannot drink or smoke pot like ordinary people.  I start to obsess and it just isn’t good for my mental health.

So I will reach out to Jesus, He’s reaching out to me and you.  Jesus please help!

Glad my fractured mind is doing so well.  I don’t work and that is great.  My husband got a promotion but I also spent a lot last month that he doesn’t know about.  Oops!  Addiction follows me at many levels.

I quit with my therapist as I don’t feel like it was beneficial.

If I could just get control of my eating and exercise I will be one happy gal.  I know it all starts with one step but that first step is the hardest to take. …

I will not give up on my diet and exercise.  One of the medications I am causes this desire for high fat food.  I can blame it on that I guess but am sick of spending money on programs to lose weight.

Sorry I I’m rambling but it feels good to get these thoughts out there into the universe.  if these are the least of my concerns I am doing pretty darn well.

I have said before that I would rather be fat and mentally fit than skinny and mentally unwell.  So that is a start but I won’t give up on the weight loss.

Now that I am sober again I can make a plan and if I fall short at least I have started.

PRay all of you are doing well.

If anyone has success at losing weight on Risperdal and keeping it off please let me know.  I would appreciate any tips.

You can email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

or leave a comment if that is easier.

God bless and keep you all!

Pax

Victoria