Ready for 2019!

To all,

Well although it has been a rough year, I am peeking around the corner and getting ready for 2019!  For this blog I wish to focus on all the good that occurred this year rather than the negative!

This year brought about many exciting changes~

My daughter moved home to help me but because I was doing so well (and am now) the tables have turned and I get to be her mother rather than her my emotional caregiver!

My husband has stepped in and taken a front seat on this ride with me with my disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder.  He is coming to therapy with me to try to understand my disorder better and has even taken over the finances and yesterday we went over all the debt and he didn’t even get angry at the bottom line!  It”s bad but he’s gonna fix it because he is good with money, where I am definitely not.

Both my parents are still alive although not in the best health.  My mom especially is improving every day and will be moving soon to a retirement home which will be really good for her!

My son who is 19 has started college at last and just finished his first semester with strong grades and lots of play on the community college tennis team.  This is a miracle that he has managed this and I thank God every day!

My oldest son announced his engagement to his longtime girlfriend who I very much approve of.  The wedding is in April 2019 and the plans and excitement are so much fun!  Maybe getting closer to being a grandma too!

I am closer to my sister than ever due to her stepping in to help my mom a ton when I could not!  

Looking forward to a great Christmas, simple and family time.  Only exchanging gifts with immediate family.

My disorder is at bay for the moment.  Hospitals do that to you I think…

Also this year I met some amazing people along the way but that will be a blog for another day.

Happy December!

Bless and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

Out of hospital and a nice surprise..

To all,

Well I am home now and resting!

But while I was in the hospital one of my followers came to visit me! It was such a treat and a very nice surprise!

One of the wonderful things about life is that amidst all the hard times sometimes one kind gesture can make everything better!

So I passed on the kindness to my mother in law who was down the hall at the hospital with pneumonia and I shared with her what I could, kindness and compassion!

God is good and I will have energy soon to get back to my writing and many projects!

But for now I am just resting and trying to wrap my head around this years difficulties! Gods will be done in all things!

Peace to you all!

Glad to be home for Christmas!

Pax

Victoria

Back in hospital

To all,

Back in hospital due to complications from my gallbladder surgery! Already here two days and don’t know yet when I’ll be out!

So taking a lil break from blogging tilll I feel better!

But I promise you I won’t give up even though I feel like crap right now!

God is so good 😊

Pax

Victoria

How my Schizophrenia is cropping up…

Dear readers,

I decided to write down my dreams as lately they have been very poignant and have some sort of meaning to my life.  Even dreamed recently about a dog that pranced on me when I was walking home from kindergarten.  It was a St. Bernard dog and as I was walking by a fence it was peeking over and saw me so I started to run, well it couldn’t not jump over and chase me down.  I was terrified but all it did was chase me down and jump on me and show me love.  A neighbor came to my rescue and took me home and we had a new friend of the family for life.  That is what really happened to me but in my dream I was at a stoplight and this huge gray dog jumped over me but it brought back memories of that incident that happened when I was five.

Kind of weird really.

And lately things are weird again.  My delusions- that I am special, and that God doesn’t want me to work again are alive and well, or not well whatever way you wish to look at it.

One thing is for sure which I believe is reality is that I am supposed to be with my spouse of 27 years (in January) and that we were truly meant to be together.  Why he puts up with me and my weirdness is beyond me, but he loves me as he shared in therapy and lately to me.  All is well, but let’s see when he finds out how much debt we really have!

I have really made a mess of our finances!  It’s crazy cuz he makes a lot of money but we have a lot of bills.  I am just not good with money for sure.

Anyway, it will be hard for me to ever really let go of these delusions as long as I am not working.  It is such a conundrum, how I received the gift of schizophrenia, which I did not specifically ask for but did as to suffer for God.  Oh how I am not sure if I would pray that prayer again, knowing what I know now, how much my loved ones would have to suffer as well as me.

But God is good and I really believe He does not give us more than we can handle but really this seems to be too much for anyone.

I am still recovering from my gallbladder surgery.  It is slow and painful, but hopefully soon I will be getting back to my walking routine.  As that really helps with everything in great measures.

Have a wonderful Sunday!

Pax

Victoria

I feel so loved…

To all,

I feel so loved these past few days.  As I listen to Jason Mraz’s song When we die which sings about how “you are loved, you are loved, you are loved” I feel deep to my inner core that I am loved as last few weeks I felt so unloved and alone.

Is the devil at work in my frustrations?  Is it my difficult childhood at play?  Is it because my husband has only told me a handful of times that he loves me and the last week we have said it to each other many times?  Is it a combination?

I wonder these things as I realize and recognize that I am loved by my parents, my spouse, my children and future daughter in law and all my friends.

My need to run is still a reaction to this feeling that i am unloved.  I ran away to New York to be a Broadway star (didn’t happen), I ran away to Arizona,  I ran away to the hotel a week and a half ago.

My therapist is making all these wonderful connections and is really doing a great job with me as she connects the dots on my schizophrenia and my need to run.  Why did it take so long to find a therapist who could truly help?  Not sure but grateful now that I am in her care.

My son who is getting married in April is coming over tomorrow with his fiance.  I wish to discuss with him why I kept from him my recent separation and take him up on the offer to stay at his place if I ever need to run again.

I can’t guarantee that I won’;t.  It may be twenty years again or it may be sooner or it may be never.  Only God knows.

My disorder is still cropping up but I am not giving up!

Pax

Victoria

Schizophrenia to me means doing fine until I’m not…

To all,

Today I wish to describe what Schizophrenia looks like for me.  Others please chime in! My inspiration for this blog came today in this cute blog about a dog.

You can check it out here!

I’ll be doing fine, living my life symptom free, enjoying myself immensely in small and big pleasures…

and then the crash, back to the reality of my disorder

All of a sudden I will not be ok, I will be off in too many ways to count and I will not be ok, I will spiral back into delusional thinking, psychotic state and all of a sudden I won’t know what reality is anymore.

Working does this to me, which is why I am on permanent disability.

I am so glad I have learned my lesson.  I have written about this before but the world and in the past my spouse have encouraged me to try to work again.

But try again no more!  I will take care of the house, get back to gardening and live the life I describe in my book, “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It describes the life of one who does not work but still finding fulfillment in small and big pleasures.

Pax

Victoria

Dedicate my suffering for two dear friends today…

To all,

My recovery from gallbladder surgery is slow and painful.  As is my recovery from this latest relapse from Schizophrenia…

So today I dedicate this suffering for two dear friends who are both suffering as well but in different ways.  One has the flu and the other is suffering from a broken heart, her daughter has left the home at a young age and my friend barely hears from her and it is affecting her greatly.

All I have is my prayers for both!  And I know that is enough.  Look at what God has done for me so far with my marriage!  Tomorrow we go to therapy together so he can learn how to support me with my mental disorder.  Going to be interesting for sure!

And just last week I thought my marriage was over.  But The Divine had other plans and I am just so grateful to Him who made heaven and earth.  My husband has been really sensitive to my mental and physical needs since the separation and surgery.  Weird how I need help in both areas right now.

Last night he helped me make a healthy dinner and asked me about how I was doing and if my visit with my mom (she came over) had stressed me out.  It didn’t I was happy to report and so grateful that he is getting it into his brain that there are just things that do stress me out.  We have a party this weekend and I am hoping he will understand that when I am done, I am done as I don’t do well in large gatherings, especially when I know very few people.  One on one I am much better.

So holding my heart for my two dear friends and also for my readers.  Thank you for the support and for following my blogs.  Still trying to figure out why the day I shared with my husband that I had a blog since 2013, I got 1700 hits on my book page.  My bad though as it didn’t even have a link to my book but it does now so we shall see.  We are in a bad way financially so if I sold some books that would be great!

Have a great day and may God bless each and every one of you today and every day!

Pax

Victoria

Miracle continues…

To all,

I am recovering nicely from my unexpected gallbladder surgery and have so much support right now that it is just so awesome!

I am grateful for many things but the stress of not being in charge of our finances right now is the biggest relief to my schizophrenia.  My husband made a huge deposit last night and things are really working out better now since our separation last week…

I am also grateful to my awesome children and future daughter in law.  I am actually going to lunch with my future daughter in law today just to hang out.  We have tried 3 times unsuccessfully to go to lunch but it hasn’t worked out.  So I told her the other day that we should just plan to go after the wedding and she was like no, I want to go before.  I am so blessed!  She is also going to help me out and drive me to run a couple of quick errands because I don’t have  a car right now.  What a blessing!

My daughter, who used to be my emotional caregiver until about two months ago is taking the back burner even in my recovery from this surgery.  My husband and youngest son have stepped up to the plate to help more whereas before it would be all on my daughter.  This is great news!  We are still figuring things out, but I am finally getting to be her mother as our roles are reversing and it feels great.  She is struggling with much but in therapy now so it is great to see her grow and find out who she is.  I am helping her too.

God is so good!

Hope everyone has a great day!  It’s funny because now that things have calmed down, I am feeling stronger every day mentally and physically and I will take this reprieve from suffering as long as God sees fit.  It has been a tough year but I have a new expression I learned from one of my caring nurses while in the hospital.

“From here on out” things will be better.

Looking forward to my 27 year marriage anniversary in January.  Who knows maybe we will even get away?

Bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

How much can I handle?

Had my gallbladder removed today! Thought it was food poisoning but alas another situation to blog about!

So let’s recap this year 2018

  1. Husband kicked out for private reasons and it was a sort of intervention so I thank him for doing it but med changes around the same time left me suicidal and checked myself int psych ward and was put on new regimen of psych meds which helped me immensely!
  2. Felt so good after adding cbd oil full spectrum that I decided to get a job teaching which was wonderful until an altercation led me to a relapse of schizophrenia and bad times
  3. My daughter moved home and was my emotional caregiver until I decided to let her go and do her own therapy and our somewhat emeshed relationship took a turn for the worse but it’s getting better and will be doing a whole blog about it soon.
  4. My mom almost died in September and it shook my world!
  5. This week I decided to end my marriage but working it out sand after 3 day separating he decided to research my disorder and help support me more Ann’s even come to see my therapist with me!!
  6. Then same week this happens!

More tomorrow for now good night!!!

Pax

Victoria

Living a secret life no more

Dear readers,

Praise be to God and the intercession of St. Joseph for my marriage working out.  Words cannot express my gratefulness to the Creator of me and my husband for helping us along this schizophrenic journey.

Another favorite musician I have is Keith Urban and this morning I am listening to Parallel Line which is where my marriage is at currently which is simply wonderful!  Baby be mine now, baby be mine now!

There are many signs that I am to remain with my husband, I shall share a few~

  • The day I told my husband about my secret blog since 2013 my book page, “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all” received over 1,700 views!  Up till now it has received like none.  Don’t know if I sold any but it doesn’t matter as it is a strong sign that I was supposed to share more with him about my secret life and no longer suffer on my own.

You can buy my book here- Book for sale

  • After ten years of being diagnosed he is finally taking over the finances which he promised to do when I was diagnosed!  What a huge relief as I have made a poor mess of our finances.  What a blessing!
  • He is researching Schizophrenia online since my decision I shared with him that I was going to leave him.  And quite frankly I think it really scared him.
  • He has offered to come to therapy with me and learn how to support my disorder more!
  • He is searching support groups for loved ones with mental disorders and will probably go with my adult daughter!

I also learned during my 3 day separation that I really don’t want to be on my own.  I need him in more ways than one and I am so grateful he still wants to be with me too!  I missed him so much and he spent the night the last night I was there at the hotel and it was great.  We watched movies, relaxed, and had a little marital fun.  We are now connected at a much deeper level than ever before and I know it is God’s will for me to remain in this marriage for life.  We will be celebrating our 27th wedding anniversary on January 8.  What an accomplishment, only by the grace of God.

Thank you Jesus, you are my best friend but You also gave me a best friend on earth and that is my husband.  Bless you God!  I am eternally grateful.

Pax

Victoria