Love can be hard sometimes…

Dear readers,

After my last blog over my victory for speaking up for myself to my mother who stigmatizes me, I began to feel real sympathy for my mom who is such a sad and depressed woman.

I used to bring her food and go on walks and different places with her until I couldn’t.

She adopted me with my dad and for that I will ever be grateful for the life that she gave me.  She did the best she could with what she was given and she tries to be there for me in her own critical way.

This blog is a prayer for my mom to really look up stigmatization and try to understand this disorder better.  It must be really hard for her as I am the person she is closest to, but I haven’t been able to be there for her for a while and when I was she heavily criticized me so much I had to stop.

My therapist asked me today what would happen if I didn’t call her, if I just let go of her even if that meant she cut me off from my inheritance.  Well, I don’t care about my inheritance.  I just want my mom.  My answer was that I don’t know.

Isn’t that what we all want?  To have our parents at their best when they made us feel good and proud of our accomplishments and to be loved in return or rather for us to love them in return?  She just hurts me so badly sometimes that I just don’t know how to be a part of her life without me getting hurt.

She has alienated everyone else from her life and although my sister has stepped in to help her since I have been working and now my relapse, my mom can’t share with her the way she shares with me and will never forgive my sister for invading her private financial documents when she and my dad were on vacation over ten years ago.

My mom can’t let things go, speaks her mind without a filter and seems only to be happy when she is making everyone around her as miserable as she is.  But she has feelings I know because she has shared many great moments with me when she was happy once and I always listen to her stories even though I have heard them a thousand times but I enjoy when she is telling me her stories.  Probably because when she is telling stories she isn’t criticizing all that is wrong in her life or mine for that matter.  She is a great story teller and I love it when she even gets more in depth and tells me new details as she is really great at capturing the nuances of the stories she is telling me.

My favorite one is about our German Shepherd dog we had growing up named Brutus and how a little boy once hugged him  to his mother’s dismay and fear, but Brutus let him…He was a great and gentle dog…

Oh, God, my heart breaks for my mom, whose husband of 55 years (my dad), is living in a care facility paralyzed from two strokes two years ago and how hard it is on her to be alone now and no longer have my dad to rely on even though they fought all the time, but thankfully she doesn’t remember all the fighting, no she remembers the good times and it is such a great loss to her.  I can only try to imagine how she must feel.  And now she is losing me.  But God is a healer and I pray he will heal our relationship because I really want to be there for her again, maybe not in the same way where I am care giving but to just be her daughter again.

I send this prayer up to heaven…

Pax,

Victoria

Stigmatization to its fullest… and victory speaking up for myself at last!

Dear readers,

So I did it!  I confronted my mom on stigmatizing me. and I am finally clear and am immediately blogging about it.

Just to give a little background in case this is the first time visiting my blog, and if you are new feel free to skip this part…

I began a new job this year teaching sociology 101 after being off work for over a year.  I earned my bachelor’s in sociology and master’s in psychology (2012) post diagnosis from schizoaffective disorder (diagnosed in 2008). I tried working in the mental health field and lasted at two jobs for five years successfully until stress from each job led me to quitting the mental health field forever.  I am receiving permanent disability and teaching was such low pay it did not affect my benefits.

So when I decided to try to teach I decided I wanted to teach sociology rather than psychology and a job came available and was wonderful until once again stress to a great degree (two students verbally assaulting each other while I stepped out with no precursor for this altercation).  The school dealt with it poorly so I resigned, another failure, but in a way a great success because teaching sociology reignited my passion for this subject and I know now I am going to do research and write about it as there is so much that interests me!  Maybe even one day when I can actually pay for it I can become a sociologist!

Well, I was fine up until this altercation but after about two weeks during which I didn’t speak much to my mom, as she stresses me out too, I had a relapse of the schizophrenia.  During the last two months I did a few things she did not agree with but she is the only one who disagreed with these decisions.  The rest of my family understood and didn’t blame it on my schizophrenia.

Well, the other day, after not talking to her for over a week I let her know that I had had a relapse of my schizophrenia and finally told her I resigned my job and she immediately says oh my I knew it, there were so many red flags.  I shut her down and didn’t listen to her because I hadn’t even been talking to her so I knew she was off and just going to stigmatize me.

Today I had a great session with my new therapist which I will blog about later but basically she is connecting my past with my present and doing a fine job asking me relevant questions and even normalizing some of my delusions.  So I was supposed to meet my mom for church on Sunday but I was involved with family and not feeling up to it but I didn’t even call her which was wrong of me but after this session today I felt up to talking to her so I called her about 15 minutes ago to apologize and let her know that I am just not up to church and although I would never tell her I don’t want to  even spend time with her right now.

So I called her and apologized and immediately she starts telling me that she has been researching schizophrenia and that some of the symptoms are poor judgement and once again she says there were red flags.  So I had decided I would let her tell me what red flags she was talking about and of course it was those two decisions that she disagreed with which were prior to the altercation, way before my relapse back into a somewhat psychotic state.

I interrupted her kindly but somewhat forcefully and told her what I just wrote and told her to look up stigmatization because she stigmatizes me when she doesn’t agree with my decisions, where other people agree with them, even my husband.  I told her that my daughter, husband and my close friends don’t stigmatize me but that she does.  Then I told her I loved her and that I was going to hang up.  She said she loved me too and that she would look it up.

It was stressful but I feel empowered.  She may still stigmatize me but it hurts and so I am going to take a hot bath and relax and try to think about something else.  Kind of sorry I had a late cup of java ha ha.  as I just want to go to bed but it is what it is.

So to all you loved ones you may not be like my mom and stigmatize the way she does but please remember we are people first and foremost and sometimes we are going to make decisions that you don’t agree with.  This does not mean it is our schizophrenia returning!!!!!  Love, them, know you may never understand them fully and let them make mistakes but don’t blame everything that goes wrong on the schizophrenia please.

There I am done.  Long day for sure.  Things are not always easy having this disorder but I feel like I am coming out of the fog and returning to myself which feels great.  Not ready to do heavy research or writing yet but who knows what tomorrow will bring with a new day and a good night’s sleep!

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Stuck!

Dear readers,

My thoughts are all over the board today but I want to talk about something that is very hard to talk about, what stigmatization means to me.

One recent reader commented that it is a fine balancing act and that is definitely the case.  In many instances it is true and I don’t ever think it will be an easy thing for sure.

I went to see an intense movie by myself yesterday which brought up some familiar feelings for me after the movie.  I wanted to run away…

To go where no one else knows me and start over.  I had these same feelings when I was a teenager and acted upon them, going to New York to live on the streets and hang out with other punk rockers in a squat until a friend of mine, Carrie a 14 year old runaway from New Jersey, died in a fire in the squat which was arson from a rival gang.  I was supposed to meet her to do our hair the day before the fire and flaked, and I blame myself for her death, that if we would have met that day we had plans she might not have been getting high and been able to escape her death.  I dedicate this blog to her today.  May she rest in peace.  She was just so young and lost.  It caused such distress that I decided to go home and my parents bought me a plane ticket and I went back home with my tail tucked between my legs and went into rehab where I got clean and found my higher power.

Yesterday was scary to me as I have never felt that way before about my current life and my mother has always said since my diagnosis that it was a red flag for the beginnings of schizophrenia.

Fast forward till I was 36 and I received schizophrenia to a much fuller degree and wow how my life did change before I was diagnosed.  Now my mother blames every decision I make that she doesn’t agree with on the schizophrenia and I just can’t hear it from her or anyone really.

This is the part where i am very confused.  I am starting with a new therapist and will definitely be discussing that feeling I had yesterday which I just wanted to run away.  My life right now with my daughter who has been my main emotional support is very precarious and difficult.  She never stigmatizes me but just can’t be my emotional caregiver anymore which makes it hard to live with her because here I sit with all these feelings of confusion and she has no idea how her moodiness affects me.  I keep having the thought that she should live somewhere else but I could never do that to her, at least I think.  We are supposed to go to lunch today and hang out but I don’t know if she is going because she doesn’t want to tell me no or if she sees no problem with our relationship.

Now my mom on the other hand is more defined.  I know she can’t help me with my disorder where my daughter can but I’m not letting her in right now and she seems to be fine with that.  But my mom just always says things in a way that make me feel like I am very ill.  She is being very nice to me right now but that is because i am in the middle of a psychotic break but can’t see my pdoc until the 26th of November.

Ah, the suffering I feel right now is immense.  Don’t have my daughter, don’t have my mom and tomorrow seems like so far away which is my next appointment with my new therapist and then forever until I see my pdoc.

I tried reading last night, my sociology book, which took my mind off of things like the movie did.  But I just feel like I am barely hanging on and have actually had some thoughts again of passive suicide, but I know I could never do that to my kids or husband and family.

I am not giving up but these things take time and I feel like I have no one to talk to except my dear friend Julia who is a constant support and friend.  But I feel so bad that I need so much help right now.

In the past my daughter has always said she wants to know how I am doing but it feels like right now I need to just let her be.  I secretly hope we won’t go to lunch as I don’t want to let her know how I am doing as she is so fragile right now herself.

Oh, God, who made heaven and earth.  please help me to know what to do right now as I am so lost and confused and stuck.

Here’s to better days ahead.  I wait upon God to fix things.

Pax

Victoria

My current ramblings and note to caregivers…

Dear readers,

I pray for all of you! and me too…

Well, God has not seemed to have answered my prayers to be relieved of this dastard disorder, but my child came to me a few days ago and expressed his desire to return to our psychiatrist which is amazing news.  He did it under the pretense ( I think ) that he wants to get back on his ADD medicine but I am going to let our psychiatrist know that he has been seeing things and having paranoia because I don’t think my child has the insight into his disorder as I have and hopefully our psychiatrist will be able to do some screening and get him the help that he needs.

I am med compliant, faithfully taking my meds every day no matter how I feel and while right now I know I am not at my best I know the med increase is working because I am able to get things done to a light degree where last week I was unable to do anything except sit at my computer, which I still do  but now I am able to do more.

Saw my new therapist on Friday and have hopes she will walk with me through my childhood issues and help me to be less sensitive to everything.  It’s funny but not only am I sensitive to emotional happenings but I am also sensitive to pain and physical sensations.  Funny how God made me!  One therapist saw my sensitivity as a strength which held my family together but to the great degree that I allow people and situations get to me I see it more as a handicap rather than a strength.

I am afraid to say things to my daughter as our roles are reversed and i become more of her mother than her being my emotional caregiver.  I don’t start out going to her anymore when I am hurting but rather she is the last person I rely on which she appears to be ok with.

It is just so hard right now with her living at home again and we are really struggling with our relationship, at least I am.  I have hopes that therapy will help us both in the long run but she is such a giver and when she isn’t giving I just don’t have that same appreciation for her like I used to.  I guess one could say she has fallen off the pedestal I put her on and now it is just mother daughter stuff which she isn’t accepting.

Feeling uninspired these days, unmotivated to lose weight or exercise much although I do go for walks on good days.

I feel like this blog is just a bunch of rambling but these are my thoughts for the moment and it is what it is.  But I recognize that articulating my thoughts right now is difficult but trying my best.

Lastly, to those of you who are caregivers be careful in how you approach your loved one  to never stigmatize them.  My mother does this to me and really doesn’t understand mental disorders at all.  No matter what she says it hurts and I really have limited my time with her because of it.  She brought up the other day that she had seen red flags for this last relapse but I haven’t even been talking to her so I can’t imagine what red flags she is talking about.  I stopped her in her tracks and didn’t allow her to say what they were because I know I will just become paranoid and get mad at her for stigmatizing me.  Questioning my decisions is one thing she does that drives me crazy!  So if you are a caregiver, take the time to learn about how stigmatization occurs and don’t do it because trust me it really hurts.

Here is to hopefully a good day!

Pax

Victoria

 

Thank you!

A word or a smile is often enough to put fresh life in a despondent soul.”
— St. Therese of Lisieux
Dear readers,
You did not disappoint!  I was hurting tremendously and asked for some interaction and received not only one but two comments which greatly put fresh life in my despondent soul.
So often I see that you readers are viewing my blogs but when it is quiet I have no idea the impact my blogs have and I am human and suppose I need to know that I am not writing for just me if that makes sense.
I have gone through so much lately as have many of you I know but I feel I am getting stronger every day although my mind is still confused from the stress of trying to work again.  I have decided that I am not going down that road again because relapsing and letting down others when I quit the most amazing jobs is too much to bear.
But I have some good news!
My husband is being supportive in his way although he has nary a clue as to how much I suffer because of my disorder~
Reality is subjective for me at times but I look at signs in my life that I am recovering once again.
Here are some of the signs:
I was sleeping in the guest room for about a month but now am back to sleeping with my husband again which makes me feel great about my marriage and I like being with him at night.  Even though he doesn’t understand it all he gives me comfort by his presence especially when he is not being critical.  He never said a word about my leaving this past job but the past two nights I have helped him with his paperwork and for that he is greatly relieved.  It is tedious work but at least I feel productive in helping him.  I just turn on my tunes and work away, interacting with him along the way which is an hour or two.  We don’t have much in common so I am always looking for new ways we can spend time together even if it is work which profits the budget too.
I’ve developed a much better sleeping schedule, going to bed with my husband and waking up when he wakes up which is what he has been asking for in not so demanding terms.
Every day usually at night, I take a hot bath and relax after for about an hour.  This recharges me and brings me much peace.
I am cooking healthy most days but still do eat out which has added some pounds but working on this one.  At least I am not indulging in sugar all the time like last week.
I made it to the gym yesterday, first time in a while.
I spend a lot of time with my pups (ok they’re actually 6 but will always be pups to me).  I love them especially Butter and she returns the love as animals often do!
I use my essential oils to help me relieve my anxiety, mainly Lavender but Bergamot too.  Bought a diffuser and it helps relieve stress.
I spend time with a dear friend frequently so my social life although limited is at least somewhat there.  We walk, talk and drink coffee and often her dog is with us who is awesome!  Toby loves me too and brings me much joy.
Areas I would like to see improvement are:
I would like to be motivated again to work in the gardens.  All my flowers died recently and I have seeds and plans to get some flowers going and keep it up.
I would like to get back to my AA meetings but right now I am sober for 8 months now and have no desire to drink or smoke pot but the meetings right now are just a bit much…
I would like to clean my own house, right now my daughter does it which is fine because she doesn’t pay rent but I have really neglected simple chores like emptying my trash can in my room.  It is such a simple thing but I just can’t get  to doing it right now.
Also would like to return to confession and church but baby steps.
It is good to make lists to see how far I have come, now going to try to work on them one at a time.  Of course would like to do my sociological research papers but right now my brain can’t even wrap around them.
I know i must be gentle with myself especially right now but God has given me so much desire to do more than I am doing right now…
I see my new therapist this evening and have hopes to form a lasting therapist relationship.  Good news is that it is in my town so won’t have to travel far and cost is modest.
Well that’s enough for one post don’t you think?
As usual,
Pax
Victoria

I’m back, hurting and praying for peace for all!

Dear readers,

Short break ha ha.  Couldn’t not share a bit of what I am going through right now…

I am suffering now at a new level due to the possibility of one of my children showing symptoms of this disorder, so much worry and stress involved and that is all I will say about that.

When I prayed to be able to suffer for God, I did not realize it would affect my loved ones as well… So now I change my prayer as without prayer we are nothing. I pray for a healing for me and my children because I know one thing and that is that the suffering of Jesus on the Christ covers a multitude of sin and human imperfections and that includes me.

So I take back my prayer and now pray that I can just live a normal life and be able to work, at least on my sociological research papers as right now I just cannot even begin to work on them due to the ups and downs right now with my disorder which I pray will be relieved.

St. Francis was a great healer and I ask for his intercession in this matter.  Please St. Francis of Assisi heal me, my loved ones and all who suffer in this world whether it be a mental disorder or a physical condition.  Thank you!

So taking a break isn’t really an option right now as blogging is all I have really.

Used to get the occasional comment or email but lately once again things are quiet in that department.  I don’t need sympathy or validation, just hoping for interaction as that I very much enjoyed.  Wondering if this new format allows comments?? Anyway I am always available by email and will always get back to you as I am able.  Feel free to email me at:

victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com   anytime about anything!

I quit my teletherapist and actually had a terrible encounter with him.  So I am starting fresh with an old schoolmate who has shown compassion in my dealings with her and am hopeful that I will be able to finally work on some childhood issues with her in person.  It is so hard to find a good therapist!

Blessings and peace to you all,

Pax

Victoria

Taking another break from blogging…

Dear readers,

I pray this blog finds you well.  I am recovering slowly from my stressful work situation.  My meds were increased again and it is helping but still trying to get back to a healthy balanced place so I am taking a break from blogging for a season while I ponder what The Divine wants of me.

I read my book Loving God, Suffering, and being in His will for all, which is the first time I have read it since its publication.  It actually helped me quite a bit as much of it is what to do with your time when you are not working outside the home along with spiritual lessons which I did not realize would help me so much at this place in time.

I feel like I had to try my hand at teaching and am glad for its experience as it taught me many things.  It taught me first that I am a good teacher and have a lot to offer the world, second it taught me that I cannot work with people as their stress and problems cause me much anxiety and who knows what the next class will bring in the way of students struggling with emotional problems.  Just like therapy, which I was a therapist for 5 years and a pretty good one may I add, I couldn’t control the parents but the children I helped as much as I possibly could and to this day do not regret this decision

So teaching to me was rewarding and I got to say goodbye in an email and received many uplifting emails from several students who shared that I had given them a passion for learning of which I responded my thanks and was grateful for that opportunity of closure.  I do not regret my decision to leave my position and it showed me that working with the public is not what God wants of me.

So instead I am taking on a new project of which I am very excited.  I will be writing for peer reviewed articles about sociology of the family, education and aging.  My daughter, who is has her bachelor’s degree in English, will be editing my papers and I will be doing much research and writing and really want to focus on that for now rather than promoting my book or blogging.

My brain needs time to heal once again so I will be easing back into this non paid writing position and take my time to see how God guides me and my work.

I am finally on permanent disability so that is some source of income to supplement my husband’s and also help him with his paperwork which is never ending.

The ways I am coping right now to get back on track is good reading, long hot baths, essential oils, healthy eating (back on Sparkpeople), walking 2-3 miles a day, cooking healthy and yummy foods too (tonight baking an apple cobbler for my oldest son’s 27 year birthday) and spending time with family, a few good friends and my pups who all bring me much pleasure.  I stay away from negative people as much as possible and choose my reading for pleasure wisely.

So not sure how long a break I will be taking but will be back I am sure as blogging helps me too!

Not sure if anyone is interested in my sociological writing but if you are comment or email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will share with you what I am currently working on.

Blessings and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

Relapse, therapy via teleconference and relief…plus goals

Dear readers,

It has been quite the ride again, relapsing back into delusional thinking of which I have never talked about my delusions in depth due to its confusion and stress it causes me.  But things went well yesterday with my new therapist who specializes in psychotic disorders which I will get to in a minute…

For the past few months, my delusions were much lessened due to taking CBD oil by GOTERPY to a great degree until the recent stressful situation where I resigned form my teaching job and am once again unsure of what the future holds caused a relapse back into delusional thinking that was causing me much stress and angst.

Yesterday I met with my new therapist and it was very hard!  I thought if I talked about it it may help but it did the opposite but it turned out alright because although he couldn’t see my leg going  a mile a minute while talking about the delusions I relayed to him my distress and he asked what would help and i said taking my anti-anxiety medication which I took a break and did.  He then switched gears and invited me to talk about my strengths and goals, which I did and it helped to back off what made me uncomfortable.

The thing about delusions is that they are so confusing for me and in the end only time will tell really.  So to talk about them only causes stress so I have decided to share them with him as an outlet for getting it out there but that I am  going to stop ftrying to figure them out anymore but rather focus on the negative symptoms of my disorder and also if I will write for a living or just help my husband with his work and earn my disability and write according to my whim rather than as a deadline.

I want to have goals today as of right now I have lots of ideas but not much motivation to get going.  So far I have taken my meds, eaten breakfast while watching my fave show, fed the dogs, filled up my diffuser with lavender and bergamot and am now blogging.

So often the only way I feel like I am doing better is if I accomplish things.  This week has not been a week where that happened but it is understandable with all that has occurred.  I know I need to be more gentle with myself through this rough time but there is so much that needs to get done, weeding, housework, get some walking in and get to my writing which probably won’t happen today.

Thinking about driving up the coast to pick up some apples from a farm to make my eldest son apple cobbler for his birthday next week and maybe just maybe do the Bob Jones Trail which is six miles of steady flat walking.  But praying about it so we shall see.

Ah, what a hard week.  Stress does this to me so I know that I will not work outside the home again except for maybe writing at leisure.  Time will tell.

I do praise Him who made heaven and earth and am grateful in  a sense to not be teaching as it was a lot of work for a pittance of pay.

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Seeking mental health help from therapist with psychotic disorder experience

Dear readers,

Unfortunately, sad to say some of my past delusions are realizing themselves due to the stress of resigning from my job.  I just resigned from a part time sociology 101 instructor job due to an altercation in the classroom which I did not observe but the stress of its ramifications led me to resigning although I was a good teacher and feel I made an impact on my students as they expressed to me recently.

Interestingly enough, the main challenging student dropped out of class right after I submit my resignation. When odd timing like that occurs it only adds to my delusion that God does not want me to work.

I am currently doing ok but am struggling with depression (lack of enjoyment of things previously enjoyed and motivation) and anxiety.

I see my new tele-therapist on Friday via video so it will be interesting if he is able to help me out. Hoping his experience with psychotic disorders proves beneficial but it is very hard for me to talk about my delusions and often causes more pain as they are so mysterious like this dastard disorder

Stress has always been a huge factor for me and it has been quite the stressful month or so.

I wish you all well,

Pax

Victoria