Deep pain despite good stuff going on…

Dear readers,

I am in deep emotional pain again but decided to be proactive and get out of my dungeon and see people soI am at Starbucks bloggingg my pain.  I feel numb despite all the good I shared about yesterday.   Today I would like to share that pain…

My mom has always been my harshest critic and I actually found out later in life from my dad why;  she never wanted to have children.  me and my two siblings were adopted from a young age and it was my dad who wanted us and forced my mother to go along with the decision.  Well, it finally made sense as I had always felt unloved and unwanted by her and despite by how much I tried I could never please her and I can’t to this day.

Somehow I have managed to not be like her at all at many levels including wanting all three of my children (actually for but one died) and I fight being negative like her with every vein in my body at times.  My kids all feel loved and wanted and my husband when he really wants to piss me off calls me by my mom’s name.  I say it to him too at times but he says it doesn’t bother him but I know it does as it is usually said when he is being too critical.

Well with all that in mind, the loss of my mom as I knew her does not make me wish or pray that she would be made well again and criticize me again the way she did up to a month ago before her first stroke.  No, I prefer that she forgets but she is difficult to be around because her negativity is manifesting through her stroke symptoms.  I like to go see her when her favorite game shows are on so she doesn’t drill me about how her life once was as she cannot remember where she lived, who with etc…

I am suffering from cognitive dissonance in my brain and it is very tiresome.  Nothing helps really although I did see my therapist yesterday which was helpful but still did not fix anything.  My whole body and brain is numb right now as I resist the desire to just call my mom and get some sort of support from her who is the cause of this discomfort, which I know she can’t provide.

When we used to go for walks she would be more upbeat and less negative in her talking with me as she would point out birds, and interesting things about the neighborhood.  I miss those times and the times when I could tell her things that made her happy like when I got my Master’s Degree and was working in a job that supported my degree.

I have actually thought about telling her a bunch of lies to please her but couldn’t posibly but perhaps I should make up lies about her life so that her new memories are happier???  That her children are all perfect, that her marriage was too, that she was the best mom ever, those sorts of things…  Not sure if I will but it is a thought.

I am in so much pain right now that my body aches with grief.  It is hard to type as I have no energy despite much caffeine and a good night’s sleep.  Everything is an effort and I don’t feel like doing anything right now except go back to bed.

anyway I just wanted to get this out to the universe.  I love my mom but I can’t stand talking to her.  She may not have long to live and part of me is glad for that but I pray that she goes to heaven and that when we all go home we will be reunited happily with no negativity as on earth.

 

My Therapist believes that my upbringing was a huge factor to me developing Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder.  I still believe it was a gift but that in this gift the suffering that surrounds me and my confusing mind does not end, no cease to haunt me even with her tucked away safely at the hospital.

U gave much to do but no desire to do any of it.  I am grieving and the pain I feel is not a delusion although my Schizophrenia is at risk for returning due to all this stress.  The good news is that my sister is handling all the medical stuff and her house stuff and soon will handle all her financial stuff although my name along with my brother’s will be on the account.  I don’t want her money.  I just want her back, but then when I think about it I don’t.  Oh God cease my pain and angst over this cognitive dissonance soon.  I feel with time it will lessen but for now I will just suffer and smile as much as I can as all the people around me do not know my suffering and its great deep level.

Peace to all of you.  I know I will get through this as I am a fighter and will never give up until I am dead and then I will spend my time in heaven helping people on earth the way my grandmother is doing.  Oh, God hear my cries of pain and come to my aid.  Help me to not obsess over the loss of my mom which is actually a blessing in many ways.  For now I come to you Jesus and pray you will help me to be there for my dear daughter who was just diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and who needs me right now to be ok.  Because she has her own pain and angst at times when she is in the depressed state.  Help me to be there for my sons and husband who is back to his old self with many demands right now which takes all of me to even begin to do like taxes and debt relief programs….

Thank thank you Jesus through Mary,

Pax

Victoria

Some good news at long last…

Dear readers,

Well the official offer came in today to travel all expenses paid trip to Boston for bloggers who blog about Schizophrenia! It is the end of this month and I am very excited… to learn about what they have to teach us, to see my friend Bethany Yeiser of CureSZ and just for a nice little get away.

I feel like I really needed some good news after many worries about my mom with her recent stroke and major memory problems and possibly cancer and my daughter’s new diagnosis of Bipolar 2 and all she is dealing with. I decided to check in with my therapist today and it was a great session, processing all about both of them and what I can do which is basically not too much right now. But this blog is about good news so I will not write any more about these sorrows.

I have taken a break from visiting my mom at the hospital and am obsessing about it less tonight. It is just too much. Tonight was special because we had my oldest son and his fiance over to book our flights to Hawaii for their destination wedding in April. I love to travel so this was so much fun to finally solidify the plans!

I made these huge meatballs with spaghetti for dinner and it was a blast with all. I even packed away lunches in my new Tupperware I recently bought and sent home some extra for my son. I am so proud of him. He has a good job, bought a condo a few years ago and is just very organized and has been a huge support for me with my disorder and past marital problems. I love him so much and am so happy for him and his soon to be bride. We didn’t talk about my mom and her health problems at dinner and after we were finished talking about the wedding plans and my youngest son’s tennis career I made the announcement about Boston and everyone was so proud of me and this awesome trip, even my husband is happy for me!

Financial stress is gone now and my disorder is under control but I know I must be careful to not think too much about the loss of my mom as I knew her or visit or call her too much right now, as stress can cause a relapse of the Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder.

Lots of me time today especially with my favorite dog Butter (full name is Princess Buttercup from Princess Bride ha ha). I wish I could take her to Boston with me but I know from recent experience that it would stress her out too much. She is a pretty good dog, there when I need her and today we took a nap on the bed. She is very sweet and has a very stubborn personality (the beagle in her). I have, as long as I can remember, always had a pet I love and right now it is Butter. I love all animals and believe God gave them to us just for this purpose when we are down and when we are up to celebrate with them. They always love to celebrate for any and all reasons. On my birthday I give my dogs treats all day!

Well that is all the good news I can muster right now through my tears! Praying for a restful night and good dreams. Last night I had a dream about Schizophrenia and it was ok but a little frustrating. But better than other recent dreams…

Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. It’s tax time and although my husband is dealing with them this year I have to organize everything and add up all the receipts. I’ll get it done but am not looking forward to it to say the least.

Blessings to all

Pax

Victoria

From now on…

Dear readers,

From now on I will be kinder to myself for all my failings.

I am human and I make mistakes but even in the midst of my mom’s diminished capacaties I see God’s hand. I don’t think she even remembers that I have Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. She wants to move in with my dad at extended care and share a room. I don’t know if that is good or bad. I don’t judge things anymore, I just think about them. Less obsessed today about the past and moving forward in the present, the now.

It is all I have, the now. It is what God has given all of us and we can make the best of it, or not. I am going to stop blogging now and focus on my house, because it needs attention. I will not give into just sitting here the rest of the day surfing the web. No! I choose now to get things done! I have been up since 6am and dealing with DMV stuff, car smog, and getting all my cars in order. Have I ever mentioned that my husband has over 25 vw’s? We also own 3 properties here in the town where I live. I also may be coming into some future inheritance money. Don’t need anything but will fix up our yards and my mother in laws house which needs much attention. I will be giving away part of it as well so if anyone has a worthy cause please bring it to my attention. Just email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

Obsessions…

To all,

This blog is a little different because I haven’t talked much about my OCD but many of you who have been following me for a while and probably notice patterns. I obsess over many things~

God

Music

Food

People

Ideas

My disorder

Just to name a few. When I don’t have a current obsession I am lost. I find I have no purpose in living when I don’t have something that I love to think about or engage in.

My current obsession is the song from the Greatest Showman called “From now on”. Hugh Jackman sings it and it is so uplifting. It sings about an anthem from the heart and he hits every note perfectly. I have it on loop and close my eyes when the chorus rings. His voice isn’t perfect and I think that’s what I like the best about it. As we are all imperfect especially with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder.

Delusions still are an active part of my life~mainly that I am very special. I have an opportunity possibly to go to Boston for a blogger of Schizophrenia Symposium at the end of February. I hope I get to go but God’s will be done.

Last night I had a dream about an old flame and it was upsetting that I still think about him in my dreams at an obsessive level. I still love him although I am happily married. I don’t know what brought this dream on but I hope I don’t have anymore because it has taken all morning to get over it and what it means. He reached out to me on FB once and I deleted my account. I am now back on there and haven’t heard from him which is a good thing I suppose. It has been over thirty years, yet a part of me still loves and obsesses over him.

Life can be so confusing. I would seriously prefer not to dream as it represents so many things that I cannot explain and causes much confusion. It is like being psychotic again which I am not currently.

I love God and all He is but my pride is diminished when I fall from His grace and perfection. I am not perfect. Just a person trying to make of sense of life now that I am doing better again.

My disorder is not friendly, no it is a fierce beast lying in the shadows waiting for me, laying in wait, for stress once again to cause me to fall back in that dark place. Music really helps me to fight those dark thoughts. I don’t hear voices but see God’s hand in much of my life. Is this a delusion? Or is it reality? I am not sure really, I just know that I am very confused at times and acting on both healthy recreation and unhealthy.

It has been said that the beast that we feed more will win or something like that. So I choose to surround myself with positive healthy people who are giving back to this thing we call life and not just sucking air.

From now on I choose to be happy, choose to do the next right indicated thing that will bring me peace and joy and when the hard times hit again which aren’t ever far away I will listen to “From now on” and know that my fractured mind is misleading at times and check in with people who are my reality check, because there are still many times throughout the day when I am lost and confused about what to do next…

Pax

Victoria

My Schizophrenia~A poem

The Prayer for suffering

The Gift

The intense emotional pain

The Voice of Jesus

The Voice of Mary

The hallucinations

The Messages from Heaven

Much Writing to Priests

The Orders to do strange things

Melt to the ground if I did not obey

The Confusion, suffering and inability to function

The Suicidal plan to jump out in front of cars

Believing the Hand of God would save me

By His Angels rescuing me

Hospitalization at UCLA

The Healing of a fellow patient

Believing I was the most special person to ever live

The Diagnosis- Schizophrenia

Although I was the wrong age and other factors

The Meds

The Delusions remain to this day

No more orders from Heaven

Except when God demands His will to be done

People die, get sick and physical problems abound to allow God’s will to be done

Depression hits

Fine-tuned diagnosis~Schizoaffective Disorder

Negative symptoms remain

Delusions remain

Recovery is in full force

Blogging since 2013

Have helped many people along the way

What is next only God knows

I accept His will

I will never give up

Dear readers,

Yesterday was an amazing day. I didn’t sit all day and feel sorry for myself about my mom. I fought the good fight to be productive and fight the depression. Now that I am no longer working I don’t have much stress and hopefully will not have another hospitalization again (Have had 4 or 5 so far). I walked 4 miles yesterday! A new record to say the least since my recent hospitalization. Today I am going for the same.

Please get help if you think you may not be doing your best. Whether you are undiagnosed and need to get meds, are diagnosed and not doing well, or have a loved one who meets the above criteria. It is not normal to hear voices or believe things that other people don’t see. Get help! Find a psychiatrist you trust and share as much of your thoughts as possible. And then start taking your meds EVERY day even if you feel you don’t need them.

And never never give up! I have been in the pit again recently and just needed a new perspective on life which I got yesterday.

God is here, God loves us all, we are all very special and deserving of the very best care and treatment. So don’t wait! Be proactive and deal with it all sooner rather than later.

God bless us all!

Pax

Victoria

Humble pie…

Dear readers,

I am humbled once again due to my Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. Having this condition is greatly affected by stress and right now with my mom being in the hospital is deeply impacting me. I couldn’t even pray yesterday and that says a lot.

But I won’t give up, no I know I will come out on top because I believe in God, The Father Almighty who made Heaven and Earth. And He made me and you all and in His creatures He lives and His glory will shine and does shine upon us.

I can’t work but I do a lot for my family and friends and I blog. I blog for me and to help others and to shed some light on this dastard disorder which causes much confusion and sadness.

I prayed to be able to suffer for God and He gave me the gift of Schizophrenia eleven years ago. You can read about the gift here. I got my Masters in Psychology post diagnosis and although I don’t use it to work I do use it in my dealings with friends and family. I know the mind can be a tricky things and although my mind is fractured and I do still suffer from delusions off and on I know I have enough of a brain to know what I need to do next to get me through the rough times.

I am blessed because my husband makes enough money to enable me to not work and although he may be making less money due to changing jobs I believe God will still take care of us. He always does.

I am situation-ally depressed due to my mom but have had some great days of walking and praying and blogging. I was on top of the world when my mom was finally admitted to the hospital and then when she hasn’t gotten better I have let myself go once again to that dark place.

But I know I must never give up and that I must do certain things to prevent another day like yesterday. I must get up and move and not sit all day at my computer. Today I am getting out with a friend and will hopefully go visit my mom and dad. I will go through the motions of getting things done even though all I want to do is get back in bed and basically fake it till I make it. I know what needs to be done and I am willing to do it because I will not just sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore…

Bless you all for your prayers. Even in the darkness I can feel the love of God through all your prayers and they are returned.

I won’t give up!

Pax

Victoria

Quick update…

Dear readers,

Having another half a mental health day.

Yesterday was very hard. My mom wasn’t getting better and all the decisions were left to me which is ironic because if she realized that it was me making the decisions she wouldn’t be happy as she believes I make very poor decisions due to my Schizoaffective disorder. Ha ha mom I did ok.

I had to decide whether or not she was getting the best care and if we should move her to another hospital or not. I reached out to my sister and brother who both did not know what to do (later) and I couldn’t even reach them.

At the end of the day my mom was finally doing better and when I asked her if she wanted to transfer to another hospital, she was adamant not to. I had already decided against it because the doctor had finally called me back and filled me in on all the tests they were doing and I told her, “I trust you and this hospital” but still wanted to get my family’s input.. They still don’t know why her white blood cell count is so high. Could be leukemia they think…Today they are doing some sort of test to determine this. I just want my mom to be ok and am scared of losing her or of her losing her mind like my dad. So hard right now!

Well today I haven’t gone to see her yet. Just vegging out listening to the soundtrack for the Greatest Showman and thinking about what I can eat that is comfort food that isn’t too bad for me. But I did have sugar this morning after breakfast. Weak right now to resist waffles with butter and syrup.

Thank you for the emails and prayers. Sorry if I haven’t been as on it as usual. Just feeling down and once again there the dishes sit.

My family is amazing right now! As are all of you for the prayers and positive thoughts for my mom. Thank you again!

Will check in tomorrow hopefully with some answers.

Bless you all,

Pax

Victoria

Took a mental health day…

Dear readers,

Well all my plans for the day were turned around.

Slept in till 9 for much needed sleep. Decided after realizing I was very low from all the care for my mom to not go to the hospital today to visit her. I called instead and tried to find out what is wrong with her. They still don’t know which makes it even harder…

Took a luxurious bath, took a nap, took care of my sick husband and my children living at home who are all sick now. But I am not sick just low mood.

I didn’t walk today but took a day off because it just felt like my body was screaming for rest as I have been waling 3 miles a day again and even though it really helps I knew taking on e day off would probably be good for me!

Made an appointment to get my hair done tomorrow for some TLC.

I know that I must take care of myself if I am going to be able to continue to be there for my parents. I am just grateful they are still both alive…

I also bought a book I have been wanting called The Arthashastra which is an ancient Indian text about several things, can’t remember right now but it is ancient wisdom which I love philosophical books like it. Thoreau is also one of my favorites but the hard part of reading such inspiring books is that not working I don’t feel like I am up to being the change I wish to see in the world (Gandhi). But actually do feel pretty good about being there for my mom a ton these past two weeks and glad she is getting care at the hospital and will be getting care afterwards in her home.

The other day I made a list of my favorite things which was an idea I got from a blog I read recently. God, rainbows, sunsets and the rain are some of which I wrote and I know it is going to be beneficial to add to the list as I can and realize what I truly love in life.

Thank you all for the prayers for my mom and dad and me!

They are felt and God is going to show off in a big way I predict because it is always quiet before the storm and with the storm comes rainbows and a clean earth.

Signing off as usual for the night. May you all get a good nights rest and have a great day tomorrow. I do not know what it will bring but feel ready at least as I can be for whatever comes my way. Can’t be worse than last year really, at least I hope and pray…

Pax

Victoria

I can never get enough…

Dear readers,

Tomorrow will be a busy day at the hospital so I am getting in my daily blog tonight after a long yet amazing day…

I can never get enough of the power of God despite my disorder, despite my current difficulties, despite my lack of faith at times, despite my sinfulness, despite all of this and more…I can never get enough of God’s love.

I am joyful today for many reasons. My mom is better now that she is on iv fluids and tomorrow will find out what the CT scan showed in regards to her infection. She is getting the help that my sister and I knew she needed and for this I thank God and all who lifted up a prayer. Please don’t stop though as she has a long way to go.

Today a kind thoughtful person asked me how the rest of my family are doing after discussing how both my parents are in the hospital right now and how hard it truly is to have both of them cognitively impaired currently… I responded the truth, the rest of my immediate family are all doing great!

My marriage is better and stronger than ever now that my husband has become my main source of emotional and financial support, love and humor abound about any and everything.

My adult children are all doing great, eldest son is getting married in Hawaii in April and we all get to go and spend a week (Hawaii has become our Disneyland, love especially Maui and the wonderful warm water with outstanding views everywhere but snorkeling is my favorite, so peaceful!); my daughter has a new boyfriend and bright hopes for a wonderful future which is yet to be decided; but she is in a better place now that she has been in therapy, which we are paying for because much of it is in regards to her taking care of me emotionally for the past ten years and now that I am doing great she has been a bit lost for as she puts it, “it was the one thing I was really good at (taking care of me), and last but not least, my youngest son who just turned twenty is doing great too, in community college full time and doing what he enjoys most, playing competitive tennis on their team. I am truly blessed.

Sorry that was a lot, but it’s all true, but even when things go awry I am in awe how God intervenes with His grace and love and peace through people and so many countless ways. We just have to look for the good in people and nature. I remember one birthday years ago when I didn’t get anything for my birthday but then a flower bloomed that day that I had been long awaiting for and I was like, “Thank you God!” The blessings are all around us, we just have to have eyes to see…

Ask and ye shall receive!

But God is enough for me, He is The Divine which I can never truly understand. Only by my prayers daily, the lifting up of my suffering, the great measure of faith, which God has seen fit to give me pre and post diagnosis, and most importantly through the Precious Blood of Jesus Christ poured out for all through the perfect womb of His Dear Mother Mary, may I be saved and truly know peace.

Pax

Victoria

Doing well despite things…

Dear readers,

I pray for all of you that you are doing as well if not better than I am…

My mom is finally in the hospital and hopefully will get her infection resolved and start getting back to her usual self. I spent the night at her house and upon checking on her found her totally confused and unable to get out of bed. I knew to call 911 and an ambulance arrived shortly and whisked her away to the local hospital. The EMT said I had made the right decision to call them; there ya go mom, I can make good decisions despite my diagnosis.

Spent all day till now with her, taking frequent breaks and getting 4,000 steps in. I woke up today at 5:30 am (usually awake at 7am) and decided not to try to go back to sleep because I was having weird dreams again. I really hate my dreams lately. I find if I go back to sleep after using the restroom that they just keep continuing. So I am a little tired but in a great space mentally. I took a much needed break yesterday and while my sister took the day shift for my mom I drove a while, walked a bunch, ate healthy, fed a gentleman bum, and said my prayers at the beach soaking up the sun. It was a great day! I am so happy I am now at a better place with taking care of myself and others too.

Today an injured bee was on my windshield while parked and I wanted so badly to save it (but I didn’t because I got busy seeing my dear father. I am so blessed to have both my parents alive right now even though both of them are cognitively impaired. I believe all life is precious, us, animals and plant life. I might be taking this a little far in my appreciation of life but I have been given such a great share of faith lately that I just don’t take anything for granted.

On one of my breaks I was in the cafeteria with my healthy yummy lunch and ran into the chaplain and a deacon from our Church. It was fine until I had to open my mouth and I said that I had Schizoaffective Disorder and hadn’t been able to get to Church and to please pray for me and my mom. I am not going to tell people anymore that I have this disorder. Every time I do I feel stigmatized. The deacon, after my sharing of my disorder, didn’t say anything but just sat there looking at me like I was some sort of crazy person. It’s not my job to educate people but maybe I missed a teaching moment. Idk. I don’t think I was being paranoid. The chaplain shared a story about a man she knew who was schizophrenic who had killed himself. Was that helpful? I think not.

Oh well, won’t let it ruin my good day. Despite being concerned for my mom and her health I am dong really well so I will be grateful for that at least. I am going on a long walk with my daughter shortly and try to beat my record 8,000 steps from yesterday. Goal is 10,000 and I am already up to 4,000 so that’s cool.

I will be blogging soon about something another blogger recently blogged about that brought up much thinking about God, feeling very close to him at times, and how pride is usually no longer at play in my life. It is humbling to admit that one has this disorder…

But that will be for a later blog. Thank you Kevin Riddle (on wordpress Diary of a broken man) for such a well thought out blog and insight into your condition.

Pax

Victoria