New direction of this blog…

Well, well, well.  here I am wondering once again who I am and the reason God put me on this earth.

I constantly make decisions, we all do, but my decisions are life changing recently and I am back safe and sound again and happy to report doing well.

Today for the first time I looked at all my followers since 2013.  I recognized many but there were some with interesting handles who I have never seen.  It amazed me and reminded me why I started this blog…

It was not to convert people to Catholicism, it was not to save man kind, it was not to sell things, it was to give support to those in need and be a safe place where I could blog about my ups and downs and sometimes ramble and sometimes make perfect sense to somebody!

Have I impacted lives?  Yes I believe so.

So will I continue to blog?  yes, wholeheartedly yes!!!

Pax

Victoria

Hard to let this blog go…

I am in love with Jesus the Divine!

So much to say, not the right words to describe my rebirth as one of God’s creatures. all life is precious.

not sure if i am psychotic right now but God speaks to me through everything right now.  i feel his immense presence in every aspect of my life.

pax

Victoria

Happiness is within me…

I don’t have to go outside my walls to find God. He is within me and touches every pore of my being. I am in awe of His Majesty.

Been studying world religions and am amazed by the similarities!

pax

victoria

I say my good by-

Dear readers,

yes it is true I am no longer going to be blogging. Wow! So this blog is my last!

I am on a path to different things and must focus.

pax

Victoria

you can say some goodbyes to me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

At peace at last…

I struggle a lot but then there are periods when I don’t struggle at all. I am learning a lot through trial and error what works and what doesn’t!

I am at peace now after a couple of difficult days. Will blog more soon but happy to be at a better place 🙏

pax

Victoria

Too much stimuli can be bad but not enough isn’t good either….

Dear readers,

Happy Sunday!  As I sit here this morning I was debating about blogging or not.  Well we’ll see if this post gets published.

I am not in a terrible place but not a good one either.  I am bored with myself.  And I know it has to do with quitting drinking but I know it was the best decision to make and know this feeling of blah will pass.  I know I want to be sober for many reasons and that I am an alcoholic even if I never got a drunk driving or had anything terrible happen.  I obsess over my next drink and have to have one or two every day and this last drunk I had made friends with the bartender which to some may be a good thing but to me it opened my eyes.

He had been making my drinks really strong and this last time he came over and poured some extra in my glass and I couldn’t not drink it.  I had to wait three hours before I could drive and knew I could never go back there as it would happen again and luckily that day I didn’t have to be anywhere so it worked out but now that he did that once (got me drunk) I know I can’t go there again as the same thing might happen.  So I just disappeared from the bar and it’s been a week since the occurrence.  I’m good at disappearing:)

As to the title of this blog I ponder about my need for self care.  I can’t be places where there is a lot of noise or activity but also I don’t like it when I am alone and the silence is sometimes too much.  Hoping my new therapist will help me to be able to balance between the two.

My husband’s best friend came for the weekend and yesterday it was too much with my husband making breakfast and his friend and my sons all in the kitchen with a huge mess from the day before.  I went to the park and played my zen music and was able to feel better after an hour and came home and tackled the dishes and hung out with my kids.  It was a good day but had its moments for sure.

Today the house is quiet but with much to do and not doing it yet but will soon.  Music is playing while I blog and still in love with Jason Mraz.  He has a concert coming up in October my birthday month when I will be turning 50 (more on that in a minute) but I might not go to the concert because he dresses up with his banana suit and sings all these deep songs but I can’t stand what he is wearing ha ha.  So I will wait and see because the last concert I went to he was wearing it and still is in the Philippines so we shall see.

As to turning 50, I am pretty excited about it.  That is a huge milestone.  And although I might not be where I want to be right now I know what I like and what works for the most part but am looking forward to hearing what my zen therapist has to say about some areas of my life that need changing and the good part is that I know what they are just sort of stuck.

So we shall see with how she can help and as usual I will report back.

Hope you all are doing well.  I pray for you all every night before sleep…

Pax

Victoria

Feeling out of sorts…

Dear readers,

Today nothing tastes good.  I have quit drinking and been watching my calories and increased protein and fiber and weighed today and up three pounds:( So what do I do?  I make chocolate chip pancakes to drown in my sorrows and it didn’t even taste good.  Only had one…

I have an appointment with my regular doctor to discuss my weight problem and hopefully will get some answers.  Hoping she can give me weight loss pills to help with the hunger that I feel.

I know I have said before I would rather than be fat and sane than skinny and psychotic.  Well today I am sane and fat and feeling like there must be some other answer.  I thought that quitting drinking my calories and watching my intake would yield results but alas didn’t work.

I have been working out every day almost and while it feels good also would have thought it would have caused some weight loss.

Enough about my weight I am bored even typing out these words.

I am fixing up my guest room and now calling it my meditation room.  I bought a cool bedspread and new desk and bookshelf and wall hang.  It is all very zen so hoping to bring more peace in the room I spend most of my time.

Relationships are all solid as are the finances so I have  lot to be grateful for.

My husband’s work changed owners so he will be making more money so going to try to not spend too much although I spent some on my meditation room.  I must be a better steward with our money.

My parents are both doing well.  So happy they are both alive and well for the most part.

I’m just down right now and don’t have any answers  but at least I am not psychotic thanks to the cbd oil I now take.  Seriously it is a game changer!

Well I am off to prep my meditation room for painting.

Hope you are all doing well.  I know this mood will pass but for now I am not smiling and as grateful as I know I should be.  Must avoid the word should!  I am where I am.  Safe.

Pax

Victoria

Tired of the apathy… but there is hope!:)

Dear readers,

Do any of you get tired of being apathetic?  I do.  Lately I have been drinking a little again and I love it when I feel that buzz but don’t like to get drunk.  It’s a hard balance to maintain.  The restaurants with bars either don’t give me the buzz or give me the buzz too much and then I don’t feel safe driving so I sit there and it sucks.  Actually been drinking socially, two drinks, with friends and husband but again too many problems.

I like the way it feels but then it goes away or stays too long.  Can’t smoke weed, tried it and didn’t like the feeling of getting high.

I did have a breakthrough today though.  I finally got a hold of a new life transformation coach who is Buddhist… it took her so long to get back to me because she is on a long retreat.  That makes me feel good that she does things like that, gets away without much cell reception to take care of herself.

I feel like I need a retreat but I miss my home, kids and hubbie, and doggies too much when I go away but I think I will try it.  Going to google retreats when I am done blogging.

My new coach will give me homework and hopefully help me to realize some of the goals I have to be at a better place.  Yoga and meditation are what I want to be doing but for some reason haven’t been doing it.

Tried AA for the drinking but I don’t really know if I am actually an alcoholic because I can stop after a drink or two and I still get a lot done.

I see her or talk to her on the phone on July 10th when she gets back so really looking forward to gleaning some of her wisdom and zen.

Hope everyone is doing well.  Although I am in a rut, my mental health is better than ever except for the drinking.  If you could say a prayer for guidance from above for me that would be great.  And prayers are always returned in full force.

Blessings

Pax

Victoria

Some days just suck…

Dear readers,

Today is not one of them though, ha ha.  But the other day I really fell out of my groove and did way to much which led to a feeling of being out of control which I did not like.

Today I am unmotivated to do anything productive.  But that’s ok because I did a lot yesterday for my daughter’s birthday.  Yes I still spoil my adult children because I don’t have any grandchildren yet and I love to do it.

I have been doing pretty good at keeping things pretty level.  Walking and yoga are my best friends.  And the occasional drink.  I finally got honest with my hubbie that I am having a drink now and again.  But I start obsessing over having a drink which is not good.  So I am praying for this obsession to be removed so that I can go out with my hubbie and have a couple of drinks which we did the other night and had so much fun hanging out with his soon to be ex boss and husband.

Life is good and even though the house is a mess and I am not motivated to do anything about it that’s ok because I know I will eventually.  The funny thing is that there is no cheese in the fridge and my kids are freaking out.  I need to get to the store but don’t feel like doing that either.  But I will later today.

I am thinking about having bariatric  surgery.  But I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle the diet afterwards but want desperately to lose these 75 pounds.  I have tried everything!  You name it and I have gone down that road.  My dad noticed the other day that I had gained weight.  That’s funny because although he has dementia he still notices things about me.  Seriously, I am sick of being obese at 235 again.  I have lost the weight before but always gain it back.  So it seems like it is the only option for me to have surgery and knowing me I will go for the big bang- gastric bypass!  It changes the metabolic condition that causes hunger so I am going to a seminar on July 1st.  We shall see and appreciate any prayers for all to be in God’s perfect most adorable will!

God is good I must say because He never leaves or forsakes me even at this heavy weight!

Wishing you all a great rest of the week.  Keep on trucking to a better life, one filled with life and blessings around every corner.f

For me I am going to clean up my house because I know I will feel better afterwards!

Blessings,

Pax

Victoria