At peace in a balanced way…

Dear readers,

And just in time for the filming of the video tomorrow…

Earlier I felt my nerves a little but my support team calmed me down and now I am at peace and had a very good productive day after a long week of appointments, er visit for my mom, and life…

I wrote a little tonight in my God journal which is aptly titled “Ask and you shall receive”. I read what I wrote a little over a week ago, “Help me God, help me God, help me God”. And He promptly did. God is so amazing.

I do not think of God though all the time like I have in the past even in recovery. I am busy living life and at times my attention is on my family, friends or strangers. I almost always try to do the right thing though, because that is what I believe God wants for us to be in His will, which is doing the right thing. I am not perfect though as none of us are except Jesus and Mary so I am not too hard on myself when I fail which is every day.

I now see my failings as an opportunity to grow in God’s guidance and as I learn more and more about myself I am beginning to feel much more like a person without a disorder.

I had a really good talk with my adult daughter yesterday and she has certainly had her struggles this past year but through therapy she is doing much better now. At one point she was diagnosed with Bipolar II but I am not so sure, if she is it is mild. But she shared something profound with me that helped me today. She shared how her therapist has been working with her on having more of a steady mood rather than the constant highs and lows. I have noticed a difference in her and am so glad that at this point she does not need meds.

My official diagnosis was Schizophrenia but it now has been fine-tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder with bipolar tendencies and OCD. The Schizophrenia is always there and my moods certainly have had their ups and downs but I have been on an even keel as of late thanks to my therapist who is helping me to sort through my delusions and black and white thinking. I am truly blessed to have a therapist I trust and a psychiatrist as well.

So I am off to bed shortly to get a good night’s sleep for the filming tomorrow. It is the first time I have shared my story openly like this so am excited to give others hope that having this disorder is not the end of the world. At times it may feel like it but those times pass and with the help of meds and an awesome support team I am stronger and less disordered and that is how I intend to remain.

Good diet, exercise, supplements and maintaining my closest relationships through thoughtfulness, care and compassion when they don’t get me and sometimes when they do, all helps me to be the best me, someone I am proud to say that I am in recovery and doing well. Despite the fact I can’t work, just keeping up with a house and gardens is a full time job!

Have a great weekend! I will share the link to the video if I can when it is done.

God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Psychiatrist appointment…

Dear readers,

Well it has been a weird week. My mood has been all over the place but that may have to do with my thyroid being out of whack rather than my Schizoaffective Disorder.

Appointment went well. I just love my psychiatrist to death. He is so good at taking my symptoms along with my observations and making sense of it all.

Didn’t make any med changes but made some recommendations that I am already following. I am down ten pounds and have the goal to walk an hour a day before getting into more intense workouts.

Been motivated much of the time lately to get things done but there is just so much to do around here. Can’t imagine if I had to work on top of taking care of the house and gardens. Overwhelming at times.

I love to space clear which basically means getting rid of things I don’t use and then cleaning where they were. It is amazing how much one can accumulate. I give it all to my mother in law who distributes it to the poor and needy so at least it gets to people who might need it and it is just collecting dust here so that’s a good thing.

Been in a bit of a funk with my mood. Not enjoying my Mraz music as much and burnt out on some of my favorite music. Been listening to Casting Crowns a really good uplifting Christian band.

Have my filming on Saturday. Hope this funk passes before then.

I have made my list for the day and just going to go for it after I blog and finish my coffee.

Hope you all are doing great.

God is good!

Pax

Victoria

Faith is all I have…

Dear readers,

Took a little break and wish I could say everything is peachy but I’m struggling again and faith is all I have holding me up.

See my psychiatrist today so that’s good.

Feel off and out of sorts. Unmotivated again but many obstacles in my way which prevent a good routine.

I would like to share some positive affirmations which I plan to read every day.

Our thoughts guide our actions and lately my thoughts have been very dark and obscure sad to say.

So enjoy. Going to sip my coffee and take on a trash project lol. Have a great day everyone and remember don’t give up. Keep the faith in Jesus and you will be one step ahead of the past.

Morning Affirmation 

I welcome today with open arms and a grateful heart. Today marks a fresh start for me! I let go of yesterday, and am excited to embark on a magical, new future. The road ahead is full of wonderful opportunities to improve my life. All good things are now possible for me! 

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 Positive Energy 

Start today by bathing yourself in positive energy. Be in gratitude. Fill your heart with love. Look forward to bright days ahead. Have an awesome day today. Remember, life is beautiful. 

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 Focus on Happiness 

Life is meant to be happy. What you focus on determines your experience. Sit quietly and notice this simple truth. Your thoughts affect your emotions, and your emotions affect your quality of life. Focus on things that make you happy! 

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 Positive and Uplifting Quotes 

If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you. 

Do it over and over again until it becomes part of who you are. 

Continue to move forward regardless of setbacks. Endure and train hard until you reach your goals. 

Believe in yourself and choose to shine. 

Your success is found in your daily routine. 

Pax

Victoria

Letting go of thoughts that don’t make me strong…

Easier said than done ha ha. Sometimes situations and people demand our attention and lead to thoughts of powerlessness, hopelessness, and stress.

Today was one of those days but by the Grace of God I got through it and am now able to relax and enjoy a gorgeous day of sunshine.

Going to do some yoga, walk, take a bath and spend some time with my folks.

Been at the computer less and feel it is God’s will for me these days. It served a purpose for a while and kept me sane, surfing the web but now I get easily bored and am much more interested in life away from my phone and computer. This is what works for me. Computer addiction isn’t pretty and I still use it for relaxing but it is no longer my main go to so with that I will sign off as usual and go and enjoy life….

Pax

Victoria

Therapy helped with psychotic moment…

Dear readers,

I believe we are vulnerable people. Stress, lack of sleep, illness and remembering our past psychotic experiences can be problematic as is what happened to me yesterday. I experienced all of this in one day and I also believe the devil was at play because of yesterday’s post about Jesus being the way, the truth and the light…

By the end of the day I was a wreck and one of my memories before meds and diagnosis is of the voice of Jesus telling me 5 things, all but one of which have come to be in a weird and disordered way. The fifth thing is about one of my children and I won’t get into it but did discuss it with my therapist recently as an event is coming to pass which will mean that it was not the voice of Jesus. She challenge the voice and its meaning and I defended my position that I knew what the voice meant and it did not help me.

When people challenge my delusions I become angry and unreasonable. This is a sign that it is a delusion I have learned.

Well yesterday in a fit of confusion and psychotic moment I wrote in my journal, very weak and in pencil, help me God, help me God, help me God. Then I started to write about my fears but erased it because my husband came in and said I looked ok but looks can be wrong. I had prompted this response from him but knew I just couldn’t share my fears with him at this point. Prior to meds God told me he was going to die and I told him and he thought I was nuts naturally. When he didn’t die I was greatly relieved as God also told me when it would happen. I held my breath all of the month of September 2007. Once again things did not work out.

I should really take a look at how confused I was from 2016 to 2018 and not believe any of it. But delusions are strong and fierce and I never know what will set them off.

Anyway after I wrote to God to help me I had the excellent idea to call my therapist for a phone session. I talked to her later that night and it was very helpful this time. She gently helped me to see things for what they really were about my son and what I thought Jesus had told me. Gently worked because it was beautifully said and received and I no longer believe it was the voice of Jesus but that it was my disorder instead. This is great recovery from a mental disorder.

I have recently shared that my other delusions were smashed. And that was painful. Might bring it up to my therapist next session. May God help her! This is the longest I have seen the same therapist ever. And although she isn’t perfect she is a very good sounding board.

I decided to take a break from the computer as that also was a factor in my demise into delusions again yesterday. But I wanted to share with anyone who reads this the chain of events that has led to this recovery state of being less delusional. My friends and family try to help but in the end it is my therapist who is most helpful.

I have made a few decisions after reading my bible and really trying to disconnect from electronics and toxic people. I decided to delete my email from my phone for this blog. With all the projects coming up I check it way too often and honestly don’t want to be as accessible at the drop of a hat.

I also decided that I am going to choose isolation in preference to people’s company. I have a few good friends but lately most of these gatherings leave me in a state of discontent. A good friend of mine is having surgery Monday so I will go visit her but not overstay or visit too much. My family will be the awesome exception as God gave them to me and I enjoy being with them and being myself which is kind and sometimes funny. I had the giggles the other day as my children were really being funny and it was great fun.

Off to Hawaii soon and will be taking a break from blogging and computer during vacation. I love to snorkel! Just saying. I looked up the meaning of Aloha yesterday and knew it meant more than hello and goodbye and read it also means love and affection especially the spirit of aloha. Very fitting for my son’s wedding and possible grandchild they will be trying to conceive on their honeymoon. So much good stuff to look forward to.

I also have my video for SAMSHA on March 23rd an all day event I have found out. They are filming it in a local hotel and asked me to bring personal items to make it look more like home. I will bring my favorite pics of my family for sure but am also wondering what else to bring. Anybody have any suggestions email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Thanks and God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Does one still suffer from Schizophrenia in recovery?

Dear readers,

Yes and no. Some days are still hard for me but other days are wonderful. I think it may be mind over matter. I prayed to be able to suffer for God and was given the gift of Schizophrenia and much suffering ensued. I lift up all my suffering for those who suffer as well not only with this disorder but also for those impoverished, ignored, unstable for any reason and especially those who have no one to pray for them.

I believe God hears my prayers and although there are days I wish I didn’t pray that prayer, today is not one of them.

I am developing new habits and accomplishing much, spiritual, physical and mental. I read a book recently (can’t remember the title) and it was about how to change your life through habits.

Every day we have a thousand decisions to make and every day we waste time and energy on these decisions. Well the key to success for me is to no longer make these decisions but to have them made for me as habits.

Getting into the habit of reading my bible, praying my rosary, doing my workouts, cleaning my house and space clearing my junk or treasures to someone else that they may help along this road we call life.

Today I woke up early and was going to go back to bed but then I got busy taking care of the mundane and no longer felt the need to go back to bed.

So to answer my original posted question. Not so much anymore today. Because I am so much more than my disorder. I am who God made me to be and although I have been on a new spiritual journey these past 12 hours have realized that I already know the meaning to life. I don’t have to seek out a spiritual guide because the answer is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the light of the world. And although He allows our suffering to exist although sometimes we get stuck all of our suffering is for a purpose and all we have to do is ask Him into our hearts and He will enter.

Our God is a kind benevolent God who will not dare to impose himself on us unless we are Paul of Taurus. He comes in when we ask, and all we have to do is ask. Jesus suffered so much as did His mother. Was it for naught? I know it is not so. His redemptive grace is just that, it saves us and we can walk in the light if we choose to or continue on in the darkness due to our selfish ways.

All we have to do is ask the Holy Spirit to guide us in our days and He will lead us to places beyond our imaginations. And as people with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder our imaginations are pretty awesome and vast.

I am blessed to be a child of God and need nothing more in my life. Possessions don’t possess me. Although I have my many comforts in life I am starting to realize that I don’t even need them anymore. But they are there when I need them.

Pax

Victoria

With suffering comes pearls…

Just wanted to add to today’s post something that I read after posting, that I see as something for all of us. That is that with suffering comes pearls so I am going to be a great big pearl now and in heaven one day.

I see much of my angst as being an attack from the devil for all the good that I may do with this upcoming video and other endeavours in the future.

My delusions may be smashed but I no longer feel sad about it.

I can make the difference that I wish to see in the world and that is one small person who will speak up for all of us who have no voice. The mentally disordered population. I will fight stigma and that is now my main purpose in life.

It feels good to know that I will be doing good and I am going to run with it. I must fight against negative habits one at a time or maybe all at once and live a life that makes sense that there is a God who loves us all and wants each one of us to live the very best life we can, disorder and all.

I am a fighter and will not give up or in to negative behaviors!

Peace to you all.

I will leave you today with a quote from a huge book I found yesterday that was my father’s who has so much wisdom I think he got much of it from this book called The New Dictionary of Thoughts which is 750 pages. It inspires me greatly.

I must fill my mind with scripture and good reading to fight the apathy and when I can’t I will look back at my life and see how far I have come in these past eleven years…

“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy~ ” Mrs. Hermans

Pax

Victoria

There is hope…

Dear readers,

Well after yesterday’s post I had a very productive day! Blogging really helps me to sift through my symptoms and get real. I deep cleaned two parts of my house and I might be weird but love to get rid of things. Things are nothing to me except pictures, statues, religious items and a few things that make me happy like my collection of pewter animals which I had forgotten about.

It feels good when I can get things done so I am going to do the same again today.

There is hope for us all for better days. I’ve been spending a lot of time with friends and family and that is great but for me I need my alone time too. It’s great to have friends and family who support me and I support them too. I may also be a grandma by Christmas so I feel like I really need to get things in order so I can be the best grandma I can be.

I love kids and have missed having children around day to day. Prior to getting diagnosed I homeschooled my three children and it was the best time in my life teaching my children to read and write and to think for themselves. Well I did something right because all three of my children are readers and are all productive members of society. I have written quite a bit about this in some articles and may work on that today too.

In cleaning out my bookcase I found some books that interest me and know I need to start reading again. I also found a tiny copy of the New Testament which I now have placed right in front of me by the computer. I read scripture every day but only a verse or two but this gives me great hope so having the bible next to my computer will get me in a better headspace I know.

I will be doing the video for SAMSHA in the upcoming weeks so will be giving back to life in doing so as I am not getting paid for it. I am doing this because I want to spread the message of hope that I have that having a diagnosis is not the end of the world. I may have days when I feel apathetic but what I am trying to relay is that I fight every day to not be. I want to help the beggar on the street and be involved in life any way I can.

I think that rather than it being my disorder that I may be addicted to my computer. So I am going to spend less time at it and more time organizing my home and gardens. We are in for some better weather and I am going to get out there and get busy gardening again. At least that is my goal.

I cannot just give up and in to this disorder. No I must fight every day to be involved in life as I know it and so with that I will sign off as usual….

Pax

Victoria

How has my Schizophrenia progressed over 11 years?…

Dear readers,

Today’s post is nostalgic in some ways but I have been thinking a lot about how much has changed in the last years.

I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 2008 but was psychotic for two years before getting help. Post diagnosis I earned my bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Master’s degree in Psychology in 2012. Who would have known that all that schooling would be unused now although I did work in the mental health field for 4 years prior to my going on permanent disability in 2018.

I was strong going to school, earned high marks and actually held down several jobs from 2011 to 2015. I went to work every day until stress caused me to have a relapse and caused me to change jobs a few times. With each new job there was hope that this time I could do the job and be successful. With each new job stress hit and there I went again either resigning or just leaving the job. I tried everything to make it work because I enjoyed working and I miss it.

Now my days are spent just trying to get through each day without having engagement in negative behaviors. I have lost my purpose so to say and miss having a job to go to every day. I wrote a book in the past few years and titled it, “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”. It is about my life with Schizophrenia, the suffering and how to spend one’s days when unable to work. I need to take my own advice and find purpose again. Because right now I have no focus, no passion, no purpose.

My parents are both still alive and yesterday I visited my dad who is paralyzed from two strokes. We sang songs together at church service and I just held onto his hand. I am so grateful to still have him in my life even though I don’t visit him as much as I used to. The other day I hung out with my mom and we had a good time. I am truly blessed.

Yesterday I celebrated my one year of being clean and sober and went to a meeting and lunch with my sponsor who has become a dear friend. Later that night I went to my son’s future in laws home and ate dinner and talked about the upcoming wedding in Hawaii in April. It was fun.

With all that being said I must report that all of it was hard. It is hard for me to get from A to B in all situations. I feel that my disorder has really progressed so much that it is hard to enjoy life these days. I would like to write another book about this but after my first book didn’t sell very many copies I cannot justify the expense.

Hence the delusions. That my book would be a big seller and that people would actually be interested to hear my story. This blog has done well and is one of my only successful accomplishments.

I am not complaining just stating facts. My disorder has progressed so much that I am very dissatisfied with my life. I want grand kids but wonder what type of grandma I will be. Will it give me purpose and excitement or will it be a struggle to meet the expectations of my kids? Time will tell.

My disorder has progressed after each relapse and I am sad about that as I don’t know what the next twenty years will bring. I want to develop new habits and get excited about my life again but it is very hard after a day like yesterday when I have all these great things happening yet the getting ready for them is so so hard. But when I get there I am fine. I don’t know why this is?

The other day I had a very productive day but again it was with mixed emotions. I had to force myself to get things done and today I feel will be the same case.

Music helps but even my favorite songs don’t give me the same pleasure as recently.

I am not suicidal just apathetic currently. Which is one of the markers of this disorder.

I have so much to be grateful for yet have a hard time experiencing grateful emotions.

God please help me to find purpose in life again outside of a job. I know He hears my prayers and I remember that I did pray for suffering back in ’06 and He has not disappointed me yet. So much suffering, so much apathy.

I’m going to try to make today good but have to force myself as usual.

I am not giving up, just stating facts. The upcoming video will be interesting with these thoughts at my forefront.

I pray for more hope, love and charity of which can take many forms.

Funny thing I do lately is reread my old blogs and inspire myself. I find that quite humorous.

I love God and thank Him for this suffering at many levels.

I wonder if sharing my story will help or hurt. Again time will tell.

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

How I motivated myself to do more than sit…

Dear readers,

Well after a terrible couple of paralyzed days I finally was able to have a successful day on many levels and I want to share my secret.

Delusions smashed, reality burns, helpless state, guilt ridden feelings…the list goes on. I am just a poor woman with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder who does love God first but I make mistakes and then I am reminded by one follower that the blood of Jesus shed on the cross is enough. I also spoke to my sponsor (btw I have one year clean and sober today!) and my sponsor gave me some great advice and helped balance things.

Bottom line I reached out for help and it was received fully.

But prior to that relief I made the decision that I was going to get busy and work on my house. I didn’t go anywhere yesterday except to give my husband and daughter a ride somewhere, so it was me and my house.

Well early in the am I made an ambitious list of all I wished to accomplish instead of just being stuck in front of my computer. I made the list and then just started doing the easy things first despite feeling like not doing a darn thing! Later in the day I also did some of the harder things and just kept going. By 4 I had most things done so I made a new list and after dinner hung out with my youngest son instead of getting more done.

It was cool to hang out with him and although I wanted to work more on my list I knew my time with him was way more important so am saving that list for Monday.

Sunday is my day off although I will be busy today with family and my sponsor.

Feeling much better about all of this and I must add that I included some chair workouts in my day to also get my blood moving. Burned 200 calories and today upon awakening I found myself down another two pounds so seven lost in two weeks! Woo hoo! Here I come Hawaii in April.

Bless you all!

Pax

Victoria