The dangers of comparing…

Welcome to my new readers from Brazil, France and India!

I caught myself recently comparing my situation to others.  I was doing really well for a while and now am in a rough patch, off work on disability for a while and just waiting to feel like I can work again, which I think will be soon hopefully.  I just hope my doctor agrees.

So I have found that mental illness is a lot like a roller coaster ride, lots of ups, downs, curves and straight spots.  I must embrace those straight spots and shoot for the even keel.  In the past I have reached out to others who were struggling and right now others are reaching out to me.  This is the great part of life, never boring for long.

I actually thought about this at the gym.  Some of the people were skinny and fit, others had a way to go.  I am somewhere in between.  I must be content with who I am, always working to get better and not be so hard on myself when I am not succeeding the way I plan.  Mental illness is the same way I find.

It can be dangerous though when I see someone doing really well and become envious in a negative way.  This serves no purpose.  I must try to be happy for them and hope that one day I, too, can be back at work at a job I love.  If I sit in jealousy and discontentment, this will encompass my mind and can be very bad for my recovery.

Please share your experiences too!

Pax

Victoria

Happy New Year 2015!

 

It is New Year’s Eve and I thought I would take a minute to let everyone know how I am doing after my most recent hospitalization.  I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he wants me to be out on disability for another month while the increase in medication takes effect.  This was devastating news as I really want to get back to the working world.  I miss my clients and wonder how they are doing.  But I must heed my doctor’s recommendations to take a month off work and not even think about it.  I am a very high functioning person with SA so it is hard when one is told to stop and see a therapist twice a week and even join an outpatient program for at least the next month.  I also saw my new therapist today and she has assigned me quite a bit of homework.  In addition to seeing her twice a week (I am glad I feel comfortable with her), I have to keep a daily mood journal and make sure to exercise to beat this depression that is often encompassing my soul.  After leaving the doctorate program I began to lose hope that I have a special purpose in this life but my hope is being instilled slowly that I can continue at my current job in February and do what I love, work with children and their families.  There is just so much to this disorder, if I am not psychotic I am depressed and vice versa.  I do think the depression is worse than being psychotic but I don’t wish either on anyone.  The best part of my journey is that I have an awesome support team which includeds my amazing daughter, other family and some good friends along with my therapist who I feel I can shared almost everything.  So I will practice what I preach and aim for peace to return while I do my assignments and trust the healing process.

Happy New Year to all my readers, old and new! Here is to a better 2015 one filled with hope, happiness and life!

Pax

Victoria

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here's an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 3,700 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all my readers, new and old.

I got out of the hospital on Saturday am trying to figure it out.  It was a good hospital stay, things are so structured there.  I am now at home recuperating.  Mental illness sucks!  I am thinking of sharing my disorder at my work.  I work in the mental health field so there is definite fear of stigma but I feel like no longer hiding behind this blog and being free.  My family disagrees with this decision.  Any thoughts on this is appreciated.    I would love to hear stories of others who have made this big jump of faith into the unknown.

I don’t feel ready to work again and have 2 weeks off so that is good.

Here is to a better 2015!

Pax

Victoria

Acceptance

 

Dear readers,

Thank you for being patient with me while I took a needed break from blogging.  I just got out of the hospital today after severe depression set in with suicidal ideation.  Medication and excercise have been key to my recovery along with prayer and awesome doctors!  I am also thinking about “coming out” at my workplace with my diagnosis.  I have heard this can be exhilarating!  But we shall not make any hasty decisions in this regard.  Well, it has been a long but good day.  I wish you all the very best.  This disorder can kick one in the ass.  I will write more soon about my hospital experience.

Happy to be home with family for the holidays!

Pax

Victoria

Acceptance

 

After a minor relapse I am doing better again, thanks to medicine and even more importantly removing stress from my life.   I cannot push myself the way I used to pre-schizophrenia days.  I am making good decisions and with the support of my family and friends am able to hold down a job, manage a household and keep myself healthy.  I am trying to exercise more these days, and little by little I get there.  I have decided not to go on to get my doctorate, it is enough the work I do now, working with families; although, I have a sense of loss when it comes to the end of the day.  Here is to acceptance, of what is now and what is to come…

Pax

Victoria

Happy Halloween!

To all my faithful followers and anyone new, Happy Halloween!  A day off from work for me and a day to enjoy with my loved ones.  Wishing everyone around the world the very best!

Pax

Victoria

Another relapse…

Will I ever learn I wonder?  Too much stress brings back the psychotic symptoms and once again I have gone through this.  Luckily, my psychiatrist is amazing and trusts my observations.  He respects me as an intelligent person.  Will write more soon, but wanted to give this quick update.

Pax

Victoria

Talking about Schizophrenia

I don’t tell very many people that I have this disorder; I am not sure how I feel about that.  2 people at my work know and my main boss knows I have a mental health condition.  I truly wish I could tell everyone, that I didn’t have to be ashamed for what is beyond my control.  I still suffer from some of the symptoms but they do not affect my overall functioning and are not noticeble to others for the most part because I do feel that I come off as strange to some people.  Many people think the world of me but if the truth were known they would not be so easily impressed.  But back to where I started before I digressed- Do any of my readers have any experiences with this?  I invite you to write to me or comment below.  Going to have a relaxing weekend, enjoy! to everyone around the world.  Australia, Greece and a few other countries have joined us.

Pax

Victoria

A prayer for all with Schizophrenia

I saw my psychiatrist today and it was great to report how well I am doing on the Latuda.  No changes and I don’t have to see him for 6 months.  I am much more connected to God these days, and friends and family.  Work is great although demanding.  Sometimes I even forget I have this disorder.

Others do not do so well; for others with Schizophrenia medicine does not work well and doctors don’t try different combinations as did mine.  For these people I send up a prayer, that they may get help as I have done and be able to live happy and productive lives!

Pax

Victoria