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Ready for 2019!

To all,

Well although it has been a rough year, I am peeking around the corner and getting ready for 2019!  For this blog I wish to focus on all the good that occurred this year rather than the negative!

This year brought about many exciting changes~

My daughter moved home to help me but because I was doing so well (and am now) the tables have turned and I get to be her mother rather than her my emotional caregiver!

My husband has stepped in and taken a front seat on this ride with me with my disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder.  He is coming to therapy with me to try to understand my disorder better and has even taken over the finances and yesterday we went over all the debt and he didn’t even get angry at the bottom line!  It”s bad but he’s gonna fix it because he is good with money, where I am definitely not.

Both my parents are still alive although not in the best health.  My mom especially is improving every day and will be moving soon to a retirement home which will be really good for her!

My son who is 19 has started college at last and just finished his first semester with strong grades and lots of play on the community college tennis team.  This is a miracle that he has managed this and I thank God every day!

My oldest son announced his engagement to his longtime girlfriend who I very much approve of.  The wedding is in April 2019 and the plans and excitement are so much fun!  Maybe getting closer to being a grandma too!

I am closer to my sister than ever due to her stepping in to help my mom a ton when I could not!  

Looking forward to a great Christmas, simple and family time.  Only exchanging gifts with immediate family.

My disorder is at bay for the moment.  Hospitals do that to you I think…

Also this year I met some amazing people along the way but that will be a blog for another day.

Happy December!

Bless and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

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The other side…

Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers!

Great news!  After much prayer and seeing my therapist yesterday which was amazing, my mom and I made up.  I called her to ask her if we could just not talk about my schizophrenia and she agreed and said she was going to call me.

She invited me to go visit my dad at his care facility today to celebrate thanksgiving.  I am so happy I still have her in my life.

So often we don’t know what will happen.  People are taken and I sometimes let go of people in my life but it seems to be God’s good will that we are to still be together and for that I am so grateful.

I did let her know that I am fine, doing much better now, have my doctor and therapist so I don’t need her help in regards to my schizophrenia.  She accepted this and now that I am not going to work other than research and writing I don’t have to worry about having another relapse.

I am on the other side now of this relapse and feeling stronger and happier again!

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Pax

Victoria

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Love can be hard sometimes…

Dear readers,

After my last blog over my victory for speaking up for myself to my mother who stigmatizes me, I began to feel real sympathy for my mom who is such a sad and depressed woman.

I used to bring her food and go on walks and different places with her until I couldn’t.

She adopted me with my dad and for that I will ever be grateful for the life that she gave me.  She did the best she could with what she was given and she tries to be there for me in her own critical way.

This blog is a prayer for my mom to really look up stigmatization and try to understand this disorder better.  It must be really hard for her as I am the person she is closest to, but I haven’t been able to be there for her for a while and when I was she heavily criticized me so much I had to stop.

My therapist asked me today what would happen if I didn’t call her, if I just let go of her even if that meant she cut me off from my inheritance.  Well, I don’t care about my inheritance.  I just want my mom.  My answer was that I don’t know.

Isn’t that what we all want?  To have our parents at their best when they made us feel good and proud of our accomplishments and to be loved in return or rather for us to love them in return?  She just hurts me so badly sometimes that I just don’t know how to be a part of her life without me getting hurt.

She has alienated everyone else from her life and although my sister has stepped in to help her since I have been working and now my relapse, my mom can’t share with her the way she shares with me and will never forgive my sister for invading her private financial documents when she and my dad were on vacation over ten years ago.

My mom can’t let things go, speaks her mind without a filter and seems only to be happy when she is making everyone around her as miserable as she is.  But she has feelings I know because she has shared many great moments with me when she was happy once and I always listen to her stories even though I have heard them a thousand times but I enjoy when she is telling me her stories.  Probably because when she is telling stories she isn’t criticizing all that is wrong in her life or mine for that matter.  She is a great story teller and I love it when she even gets more in depth and tells me new details as she is really great at capturing the nuances of the stories she is telling me.

My favorite one is about our German Shepherd dog we had growing up named Brutus and how a little boy once hugged him  to his mother’s dismay and fear, but Brutus let him…He was a great and gentle dog…

Oh, God, my heart breaks for my mom, whose husband of 55 years (my dad), is living in a care facility paralyzed from two strokes two years ago and how hard it is on her to be alone now and no longer have my dad to rely on even though they fought all the time, but thankfully she doesn’t remember all the fighting, no she remembers the good times and it is such a great loss to her.  I can only try to imagine how she must feel.  And now she is losing me.  But God is a healer and I pray he will heal our relationship because I really want to be there for her again, maybe not in the same way where I am care giving but to just be her daughter again.

I send this prayer up to heaven…

Pax,

Victoria

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So excited about tomorrow!

Dear readers,

Hope you are all doing well!  I have been having some weird physical symptoms and thought I might have to cancel my plans to finally meet my long time far away friend Bethany Yeiser founder of CureSZ in San Diego where she is speaking.

But I am fine now and am getting up early to leave so I can meet my special priest in La, which was an after thought showing much improvement with my Schizoaffective Disorder symptoms!  Prior to this year I would thought about it immediately but this time it was like, heck it’s on the way so let’s see if he is available and he is!  No messages for him from God anymore, just a good old-fashioned visit to look forward to see two very special friends.

I will blog my visits when I get back and am also working with my new webmaster to get on this new blog format” likes and follows” as I don’t see it available.

Email me if I’m wrong or for anything else!

victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Have a great weekend as I plan to!

My class is really becoming enjoyable and it is nice to have a job again but I will save those details for another blog another day.

Pax

Victoria

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Does God really help us through the tough times?

I believe He does at times and other times he let’s us flail around a little in order for us to figure things out for ourselves too.

Life lately has been interesting.  Been discovering new problems in areas I haven’t had problems for a while, work, relationships and finding time for myself to just blog, write in my journal or play with my pups.

Tonight I opted out of going out to dinner with the family because I was tired and didn’t want to eat pizza (did I just say that?).  I’ve just been eating so healthy lately that I don’t want all that in my system as I know it would wreak havoc the next day.

But back to my posited question above.  I believe God is ever present but at times we feel His presence more than at other times.  I forget about Him at times and can’t be in prayer all day anymore but I believe to my very core that He never forgets about us….

I think that goes against His nature, which is Divine, and I am not.

Lately, I have been rediscovering my relationship with my daughter.  I am doing so well these days that I don’t need her constant support anymore.  This is great but I am asking The Divine for help as we figure out new roles.

I am exhausted tonight but wanted to blog about this as I know we, especially with mental illness, often wonder why we have to suffer so.  I will blog more about this soon as I am finding answers even as I type, but for now I’m going to take a bath, relax with my pups and get a good night’s sleep.

Tomorrow will be a busy day.  Going to meet with two friends, take food to my mom, help my hubby with something, grade more papers which I enjoy, and see a new therapist who specializes in EMDR.  Going to see if it helps me with my difficult childhood memories that keep going as I care for my mom, who is a very negative person and who I limit my contact with for my own sanity.  Boundaries!

Pax

Victoria

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Let’s see what the night can do….

I want to get lost with the Divine!

But alas here I am cleaning up my dog’s mess in the morning and cooking food for a few days for my mom, who won’t eat unless I bring her food even though she is  a multi-millionaire.

As I listen to this song “Let’s see what the night can do” by Jason Mraz I am reminded of my psychotic days when I ignored all else and got lost in God but in a very dysfunctional sense, writing prolifically, giving messages to priests, warning the world of impending doom and the like. Before the night brought me distress, now it brings me rest and I can feel refreshed and ready to start my day even if it includes yucky and tedious tasks like this morning.

Today it is very different.  My recovery since February 2018 has been incredibly remarkable.  First got back on old regimine of Risperdal, Latuda, Lexapro and the addition of Klonapin which helps my anxiety much more effectively than Attivan ever did.  This got me back to a functional level of being able to work again and do many things, enjoyable and work related and even social although I still prefer my alone time.

If it weren’t for people I would be a saint; or rather thanks to people I have the hope to become one.  People test my patience and reality which allows me to improve upon my character defects or sin whatever is more comfortable for you.  Patience, tolerance, love and compassion even for the most difficult people, it all will one day lead to my sanctification and with grace we can do much.  I try not to hate my shortcomings but again and again I despise them until I realize that I need to accept them as part of who I am and not hate them so.

As I have started taking CBD oil full spectrum from GOTERPY, once again I see much improvement in my symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder.  I don’t feel as if I am the most special person  to ever live anymore and everyday things no longer always bore me.  The mundane is even at times welcome as I now realize that we cannot be inspired all the time no matter how special we are which I Know emphatically we all are.

Another song by Jason Mraz which I listen to every day is “Have it all“.  God wants us all to have it all, not material things but peace and love and joy and auspiciousness and success.  Thank you Jason for this wonderful song which reminds of God’s plan for me to “Have it all” even with my diagnosis.

Pax

Victoria

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My Spiritual Journey to 2018

Dear readers old and new~

Hoping that today brings you light and peace on this restful Sunday!

Today I am going to discuss my spiritual journey because it is the Sabbath for me and I would love to have readers comment or send me an email on their own spiritual journey.  I recognize we each have our own path to the unknown,  for that is all that we know is that we truly do not know what happens when we die.  Sorry to be morbid but these are my thoughts today-

  • 1969 baptized into Catholic Church
  • 1985 left the Catholic Church as it didn’t make sense and after asking a nun if she was going to heaven and her response was “I’m not sure” knew there was no hope for me who lied and stole and if a nun wasn’t sure, what reason was there to keep going to Mass?
  • 1988- 1991 became a proclaimed Atheist, saddest time in my life to not believe in God.  Was suicidal in my actions, jumping out of airplanes (with a parachute ha ha), living on the streets of New York, doing dangerous drugs and hanging out with the squatters, one of which died in a fire in the squat we lived in, which sent me home to mom and dad to the safety of California.
  • Got clean and sober in 1991 through NA and after working the first two steps, one admitted I was powerless and that my life was unmanageable, step two, came to believe in a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity which I greatly needed.  Chose the ocean because of its great power and vastness
  • within a matter of days realized that God had made the ocean and came to believe in Him, great peace overcame me
  • 1991, a busy year for my spiritual awakening, accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and began my chosen Christian life
  • two weeks later met my husband (married now almost 27 years) and stopped going to church but God was still working in me as I soon found out
  • 1994 after the birth of my second child became active in Protestant Church that bashed Catholicism and accepted this teaching and preached regularly for the salvation of all those who didn’t go to my church.
  • 1999 after the birth of my third child my grandma who was Catholic her whole life got sick and I laid hands on her in prayer for a healing and afterwards presumptuously asked her if she had felt the love of God and she answered “yes, I have felt it many times” I was shocked at my own presumption that only Protestants could feel the love of God and it opened my heart in a new shocking but wonderful way.  It is very sad when one feels that the rest of the world is going to hell
  • 2000 after a series of events and reading my bible I accepted the Catholic faith for myself and am still a Catholic today.
  •  2005 felt led to attend the Catholic Church in Guadalupe and met my first spiritual director, a beautiful pries with whom I still have a special love for today.  Became intensely religious, wearing a veil at Mass, receiving Communion on my knees and began having extreme religious experiences which I still do not know today if this was the beginning of the earlysymptoms of Schizophrenia or true religious experiences but felt a closeness to God in a beautiful alive way that I had never experienced before
  • 2006 after praying sincerely for to be able to suffer for Our Crucified Lord, received the gift of Schizophrenia during Easter Vigil Mass and began to receive many messages from God which involved much writing to priests especially my spiritual director who received them lovingly but was very concerned about some of the messages. But things weren’t working out and experienced immense suffering spiritually and physically and mentally.
  • 2008 diagnosed myself with Schizophrenia which was confirmed by a team of doctors from UCLA which was later refined to Schizoaffective Disorder by my still psychiatrist in Santa Barbara and began anti-psychotic meds which I have and still do take faithfully to this day
  • 2008- 2018 The messages ceased on medication but experienced extreme night of the soul where my belief in God was once again shaken.  During this period relied on Mary and Jesus for spiritual comfort and peace which I received intermittently.
  • 2016-2018 began to study Buddhism
  • 2018 realized I couldn’t be a Catholic Buddhist so put the brakes on my studies of Buddhism although still find great peace in reading the Dali Lama’s words of wisdom

So that is a brief summary of my spiritual journey up till now.  I know there are many ways to God and that everyone’s journey is different.  God speaks to us through circumstances, suffering, joys and the like.  We all have to pray to know His will for us, that we be in His holy perfect adorable will in all things and although I fall short am much better at learning His will for me.

May The Divine bless you and keep you in His will.  I will share one prayer which I pray regularly which helps me to know His will for me each day.

Pax

Victoria

Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of the faithful and enkindle in them the fire of Thy love.Send forth Thy Spirit and Thou shall be created and they shall renew the face of the earth.

Let us pray, Oh God by the light of the Holy Spirit grant us in the same Spirit to be truly wise and ever to rejoice in His consolations through the same Christ our Lord Amen

Namaste

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Not letting negative people affect me…

Hello!

Teaching is going very well so far but today was a difficult day for me but I rose above and am now on the other side and feeling very positive once again…

A student who is taking my class for “fun” is being passive aggressive and I spent the afternoon obsessing over it.  But I talked to people and got through it and listened to one of my favorite podcasts lately, Yoga girl, and took her advice on using my toolkit.

To summarize, it included talking to others, journal about it, drinking water, moving (took a walk with my dog and daughter!), taking deep breaths, child pose (going to do that tonight), rewarding yourself and a few other things I can’t remember off the top of my head.

Instead of seeing this as a negative energy for my class I am instead focusing on the students who really care about my class and am not going to let him/her get to me.  I used my tools which helped in other areas as well and I feel great.  It caused me to seek outside help as I don’t have all the answers in life ha ha, never thought I did but still figuring out who I am and so happy for this opportunity to grow!

Hope everyone is doing well.  Email has been quiet lately so feel free to email me and let me know how you’re doing or some of your tools on a rough day and how you get through it or comment below.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

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Teaching high, then humble pie

Dear readers-

completed my second week of teaching and I absolutely love it! There is a mix of students from elementary level to advanced and everything in between! I love especially reading papers.

I get such pleasure teaching sociology to these inquisitive minds.

But then at an as meeting the other night I shared and really felt bad today when I read my bible reading and realized I had perhaps made it seem like I believed all roads lead to heaven.

i can’t go back and change what I said but I will share here that I believe in the gospel wholeheartedly but that the God of my understanding is compassionate and merciful and who are we to judge another’s faith or lack thereof!

we all were created in the likeness of God and He wants our hearts and to commune with Him but many people have been hurt by religion or people and are unable to accept the concept of God or faith even which is a gift and I have been given this gift!

so everyone if they are sincere to know the truth ought to ask God. The Universe or Mother Earth to show them the way!

there I am done and I send this message out to all with peace and love!

sorry I haven’t recorded my podcast but very focused on this class and my recovery.

i am doing better now than ever and thank God for my recovery from my past relapse and not wanting to live.

have come so far from just six months ago!

i know God forgives me for my wrongs but I want to do more and this is my start!

pax

victoria

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Finding balance

Dear readers,

Finding balance means many things to me as I am still striving for it on a day to day basis!

take today for instance, I was at a baby shower for a special lady and thoroughly enjoyed speaking with an old friend.

I don’t get out too much these days and it was great but as I walked through the clubhouse I walked past a pool and saw a seat. My first thought was I want to sit there and commune with the Divine…

but I knew I needed to get back to the delightful party. And now as I am alone and in solitude I yearn for that company again.

I feel so wishy washy in my desires but have come to realize that The Divine wants both from me so I need to be content in whatever situation I find myself!

i am doing so well these days and the support from my daughter is key. I start working Tuesday and am prepared and eager to begin! With the teaching salary and disability coming in I should be caught up soon on the debt we incurred the past few years when I couldn’t work at all!  It is a huge needed relief and to God I am eternally grateful!

lesson learned to continue to pray for balance in all my affairs!

pax

Victoria