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Suffering still but grateful not hearing voices still…

It’s been 13 years of being afflicted with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder tonight.

When I was little crying was my pasttime.  Crying because things weren’t fair; crying because sadness overwhelmed me.  Now it is known that those times were a precursor to my disorders.

I can’t hide anymore, no I must be honest that I am still suffering but in the midst of this suffering I found someone else who had been afflicted longer than me and she still hears voices.

I am so grateful that I no longer hear voices and thanks to CBD oil my delusions are fading to a great degree.

But the depression still gets to me at times.  But even in that I am grateful because I am not as bad as many other people who are suffering from deep depression or who are undiagnosed and just so unhappy and don’t know why.

Depression, psychosis, voices, delusions are all a part of Schizoaffective Disorder and if you have any of these symptoms all I can say is to check it out.

Fight for the best care; fight to get answers; fight for your life and don’t give up no I will say it again never give up.  You are good enough, strong enough even if it means asking for help.

I’ve been there on the receiving end and am now on the giving end and although I am grateful that I am much much better these days I am here if anyone want to say hello or lean on me for support.

Pax

Victoria

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Don’t know how I am doing…

Dear readers,

Well well…

Here I am again readjusting to life after a vacation.  I am very flippant in my moods and really don’t know how I am doing really.

I know what I am not though so will start there.

I know i am not anxious, suicidal, or unhappy.

But I am slightly depressed and apathetic.

I hate not knowing.

I know my mood today has to do with it being Good Friday and the choice to not indulge in things that bring me pleasure.

Today will pass as it always does but I feel the emptiness of the tomb and tabernacle after Jesus died.  A loss but Resurrection Sunday or Easter is right around the corner so there is much to be happy about.

I just am not there today.  Mourning the loss of Jesus is very real for me and I pray the whole world will be saved upon entering eternal rest.

I will now go pray my rosary, the sorrowful mysteries for all of you, my family and yes even me.

God bless you all!

pax

Victoria

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Does one still suffer from Schizophrenia in recovery?

Dear readers,

Yes and no. Some days are still hard for me but other days are wonderful. I think it may be mind over matter. I prayed to be able to suffer for God and was given the gift of Schizophrenia and much suffering ensued. I lift up all my suffering for those who suffer as well not only with this disorder but also for those impoverished, ignored, unstable for any reason and especially those who have no one to pray for them.

I believe God hears my prayers and although there are days I wish I didn’t pray that prayer, today is not one of them.

I am developing new habits and accomplishing much, spiritual, physical and mental. I read a book recently (can’t remember the title) and it was about how to change your life through habits.

Every day we have a thousand decisions to make and every day we waste time and energy on these decisions. Well the key to success for me is to no longer make these decisions but to have them made for me as habits.

Getting into the habit of reading my bible, praying my rosary, doing my workouts, cleaning my house and space clearing my junk or treasures to someone else that they may help along this road we call life.

Today I woke up early and was going to go back to bed but then I got busy taking care of the mundane and no longer felt the need to go back to bed.

So to answer my original posted question. Not so much anymore today. Because I am so much more than my disorder. I am who God made me to be and although I have been on a new spiritual journey these past 12 hours have realized that I already know the meaning to life. I don’t have to seek out a spiritual guide because the answer is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the light of the world. And although He allows our suffering to exist although sometimes we get stuck all of our suffering is for a purpose and all we have to do is ask Him into our hearts and He will enter.

Our God is a kind benevolent God who will not dare to impose himself on us unless we are Paul of Taurus. He comes in when we ask, and all we have to do is ask. Jesus suffered so much as did His mother. Was it for naught? I know it is not so. His redemptive grace is just that, it saves us and we can walk in the light if we choose to or continue on in the darkness due to our selfish ways.

All we have to do is ask the Holy Spirit to guide us in our days and He will lead us to places beyond our imaginations. And as people with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder our imaginations are pretty awesome and vast.

I am blessed to be a child of God and need nothing more in my life. Possessions don’t possess me. Although I have my many comforts in life I am starting to realize that I don’t even need them anymore. But they are there when I need them.

Pax

Victoria

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Busy these days, a welcomed distraction me thinks…

Dear readers,

It’s funny how much more I suffer when I have time to think about it.

Yesterday was a perfect example~ I awoke with many plans for the day but didn’t feel like doing any of it.

I had a birthday lunch scheduled with a dear friend, who has been there for me as I have also been for her too. We share many similarities and differences and it is awesome that God has allowed this friendship to continue. I went even though I didn’t feel like it and was truly blessed.

I am fortunate that I can get out of my house and do things that are hard to do to start with and then once I get out I am blessed to have great conversations that are not only meaningful but that also bless the Lord…

After our lunch I went to the extended care to visit my parents and the timing was perfect. I felt the Holy Spirit guiding me fully as I went back and forth between my parents as they are in different wings and was truly blessed to be with them both and also got to see one caregiver who has become very close to my heart through the years I have known her through visiting my dear father. I also had a chance to meet with a few of the residents who have also become dear to me. It truly blesses me to hear how much they love my father as he was and is such a great man. Words cannot express enough how blessed I was to hear that other people love him too even in his diminished state of mind. I love just holding his hand and kissing him and making sure he is comfortable.

When I was suicidal a year ago and was hospitalized I would go to see my dad every day because it really helped me out a lot to see him. Then I got better and it became hard to visit him so much. It was like as I got better I needed him less and it was painful to no longer have him as the dad I knew 3 years ago before his strokes.

Well now that my mom is there too I get to go almost every day again and once again I am truly blessed to be able to spend time with both of them.

That is not to say I am not suffering, but it gives me something constructive to do and for that I am truly grateful to God and the saints who intercede on our behalf all our worries, sadness and joy.

I have a lot going on right now and feel I may be taking a break from blogging again at least as much. But who knows how the Spirit will lead. I not only have Boston for the bloggers of Schizophrenia to get ready for of which I found out I will be compensated for my time but also have an opportunity to be featured in a vlog which will touch on not only living with Schizophrenia but also stigmatizing which I have shared I have experienced recently. It will be end of February/early March and I am excited about this opportunity as well. I have really wanted to fight stigmatization after experiencing it in full force recently which leaves me feeling helpless and very affected.

I also have been recently challenged about my Catholic Faith. I am open to discussions about my faith when there is a two way street not just an attack of some sort. This has been very hard too but I am on the other side now and am appreciating that I have my faith to turn to in all my sadness and almost despair about my current situation with my folks.

Lastly, I found out that my son who is getting married in April in Hawaii will be planning for him and his soon to be bride to start having children on their honeymoon. I am elated over this and the fact I might be a grandma some time next year!

So though the sadness there is much to be joyful for and for that I am eternally grateful to God!!!

Praying for all of you that you have happy productive days. And if I do take a break from blogging know it will be short and that I remain faithfully praying for you all!

Love and blessings,

pax

Victoria

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Stuck…

Still in pain and still feeling numb. Is that possible really? If I feel this pain but say I am numb am I really feeling the pain?

I guess I am just so sad again today.

And it’s ok to feel sad me thinks.

Losing both my parents to strokes would be hard for anyone.

I am wondering what God will do next~

We, the three of us, have a very special bond which I know is unbreakable even with death or now with diminished capacities. We have been through so much and the good part is, although all three of us have made many mistakes, that we always come back together..

Other people are special in my life too, but God has seen fit to put me with these two people and although I don’t know exactly why I am grateful for my relationship with both of them. I am now the good daughter and have much to offer them both still, being there for them although right now I am not visiting them because I need a little more time to process all of this.

God has intervened many times during our lives together and I know He will intervene again when the time is needed. I am grateful both my parents are still alive although not well.

I truly believe that these bonds with people in life are what keep us going.

Praying for better days for me and all of you if you are struggling too.

Thank you Jesus and Mary!

Pax

Victoria

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My Schizophrenia~A poem

The Prayer for suffering

The Gift

The intense emotional pain

The Voice of Jesus

The Voice of Mary

The hallucinations

The Messages from Heaven

Much Writing to Priests

The Orders to do strange things

Melt to the ground if I did not obey

The Confusion, suffering and inability to function

The Suicidal plan to jump out in front of cars

Believing the Hand of God would save me

By His Angels rescuing me

Hospitalization at UCLA

The Healing of a fellow patient

Believing I was the most special person to ever live

The Diagnosis- Schizophrenia

Although I was the wrong age and other factors

The Meds

The Delusions remain to this day

No more orders from Heaven

Except when God demands His will to be done

People die, get sick and physical problems abound to allow God’s will to be done

Depression hits

Fine-tuned diagnosis~Schizoaffective Disorder

Negative symptoms remain

Delusions remain

Recovery is in full force

Blogging since 2013

Have helped many people along the way

What is next only God knows

I accept His will

I will never give up

Dear readers,

Yesterday was an amazing day. I didn’t sit all day and feel sorry for myself about my mom. I fought the good fight to be productive and fight the depression. Now that I am no longer working I don’t have much stress and hopefully will not have another hospitalization again (Have had 4 or 5 so far). I walked 4 miles yesterday! A new record to say the least since my recent hospitalization. Today I am going for the same.

Please get help if you think you may not be doing your best. Whether you are undiagnosed and need to get meds, are diagnosed and not doing well, or have a loved one who meets the above criteria. It is not normal to hear voices or believe things that other people don’t see. Get help! Find a psychiatrist you trust and share as much of your thoughts as possible. And then start taking your meds EVERY day even if you feel you don’t need them.

And never never give up! I have been in the pit again recently and just needed a new perspective on life which I got yesterday.

God is here, God loves us all, we are all very special and deserving of the very best care and treatment. So don’t wait! Be proactive and deal with it all sooner rather than later.

God bless us all!

Pax

Victoria

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I can never get enough…

Dear readers,

Tomorrow will be a busy day at the hospital so I am getting in my daily blog tonight after a long yet amazing day…

I can never get enough of the power of God despite my disorder, despite my current difficulties, despite my lack of faith at times, despite my sinfulness, despite all of this and more…I can never get enough of God’s love.

I am joyful today for many reasons. My mom is better now that she is on iv fluids and tomorrow will find out what the CT scan showed in regards to her infection. She is getting the help that my sister and I knew she needed and for this I thank God and all who lifted up a prayer. Please don’t stop though as she has a long way to go.

Today a kind thoughtful person asked me how the rest of my family are doing after discussing how both my parents are in the hospital right now and how hard it truly is to have both of them cognitively impaired currently… I responded the truth, the rest of my immediate family are all doing great!

My marriage is better and stronger than ever now that my husband has become my main source of emotional and financial support, love and humor abound about any and everything.

My adult children are all doing great, eldest son is getting married in Hawaii in April and we all get to go and spend a week (Hawaii has become our Disneyland, love especially Maui and the wonderful warm water with outstanding views everywhere but snorkeling is my favorite, so peaceful!); my daughter has a new boyfriend and bright hopes for a wonderful future which is yet to be decided; but she is in a better place now that she has been in therapy, which we are paying for because much of it is in regards to her taking care of me emotionally for the past ten years and now that I am doing great she has been a bit lost for as she puts it, “it was the one thing I was really good at (taking care of me), and last but not least, my youngest son who just turned twenty is doing great too, in community college full time and doing what he enjoys most, playing competitive tennis on their team. I am truly blessed.

Sorry that was a lot, but it’s all true, but even when things go awry I am in awe how God intervenes with His grace and love and peace through people and so many countless ways. We just have to look for the good in people and nature. I remember one birthday years ago when I didn’t get anything for my birthday but then a flower bloomed that day that I had been long awaiting for and I was like, “Thank you God!” The blessings are all around us, we just have to have eyes to see…

Ask and ye shall receive!

But God is enough for me, He is The Divine which I can never truly understand. Only by my prayers daily, the lifting up of my suffering, the great measure of faith, which God has seen fit to give me pre and post diagnosis, and most importantly through the Precious Blood of Jesus Christ poured out for all through the perfect womb of His Dear Mother Mary, may I be saved and truly know peace.

Pax

Victoria

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How great God art…

Dear readers,

I am low this morning but yet I can look up to heaven and proclaim how great the Creator of Heaven and earth is. I can do this because I have the gift of faith, which is great.

I am feeling sadness over the loss of my dad as I knew him. These past three years have been the hardest ever in my life…

I can feel sadness and still look up and be ok. I don’t need to act out upon my sadness but I guess I am through this blog which is a healthy outlet to feel my sadness.

I don’t visit him as often as I used to. But I visited him Sunday and enjoyed being with him during a church service. He had been asking for his wooden bibles that were given to him in 1957. Just sitting with him was special and I thank God he is still alive. He saw me and said “daughter” and I was blessed once again that my dear father is still alive and knows me.

We have already said all that can be said between two people whose love is so strong. We both love God and ice cream and we had both that day…

I am going to get busy in a minute and fight the blues. I am not depressed like before so recently. No this is situational sadness and I know I must do something about it, get dressed, go for a walk, do the dishes and tidy after last night’s wonderful get together to celebrate my son’s birthday which was awesome.

I must not give in to the sadness but focus on things that make me happy other than food. Today tipped the scale at 234. I have decided to weigh every day now to be accountable to my eating and exercising or lack thereof. I must also have a reward for my hard work to fight the blues. And fight I will. No sitting endlessly today at the computer.

I also see my pdoc today to review how the new antidepressant is affecting me. and I have a good report to share that I am no longer depressed. The blinders have fallen away and I am no longer at that dark place I was at just two weeks ago. I am blessed that I am able to recognize my disorder for what it is, just a fractured mind that suffers symptoms sometimes and needs a readjustment from time to time.

I know for me I will always be on meds for schizoaffective disorder, anti-psychotic to keep away the psychosis and antidepressants for the depression and as needed anti-anxiety meds. Yesterday I actually had an anxiety attack which is the first time in a while. But I had my drugs with me so took them and proceeded to manage to shop, cook and clean for my dear son’s party. My son enjoyed all of it and I am blessed to be his mother!

Well I am off now to get busy and do healthy things that make me feel good, mainly walking and listening to music I love while I clean.

Hope ya’ll have a terrific day.

God bless,

Pax

Victoria

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As a parent I am truly blessed…

Dear readers,

Today is my youngest son’s 20th birthday! He is so special and unique. For those of you following me if you remember, I was concerned with his mental health this past year due to some paranoia and hallucinations. It has since stopped and he is no longer having them. He saw our psychiatrist recently and the doc wasn’t concerned about these brief happenings. I am naturally greatly relieved but know that it is still a possibility but thank God that he is able to go to college full time and play lots of tennis, which he is really good at! And he loves the game so that is what really matters, not how many trophies or tournaments or games he wins. I now ask him instead of if he won, how he played, because that is what I care about, that he did his best, behaved with good sportsmanship and enjoyed the game. I think this perspective is much healthier and I know he appreciates my question.

He is special because we are all special and he is my youngest so he has me wrapped around his finger honestly although he does much for himself now like his own laundry and fixes most of his meals. He helps out around the house and brightens my day when we spend time together. He is my baby, my last child, my love, my friend, my concerned son. May God bless him this day. He is also very smart, funny and quite the philosopher. I have seen great things for him all his life and now that they are coming to be I know that as parents we just have to keep believing in the very best for each and every one of our children.

Now that I am no longer psychotic or depressed I can make his day special, make him homemade waffles for breakfast and his favorite dinner and more importantly be there for him with love and encouragement at every step. I love you Dominic! God bless you on your special day!

As parents it is the greatest moment when one realizes that as a parent we have given them the best of ourselves as often as humanly possible and that is what I have given him and am so proud of how he is turning out! I know he will do great things with his life.

May God bless you all on my son’s birthday,

pax

Victoria

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The Reason I started this blog…

Second blog today, I know, but here I am all alone, without a care in the world except which Christmas movie I will watch next.

Oh, I have family and loved ones who love me too. I am fortunate for that and spent last night and most of today with them but felt compelled to reach out to my readers, old and new, to try to explain why I maintain this blog since 2013.

I want to help others who share this same affliction, Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder rather and their loved ones. I want to give hope to all and to help the world better understand people like me who suffer with this dastard disorder and provide this “hope” so that they or you all, too, can live normal lives and not be scared and even if you are alone too but to feel some connection with others like you.

This blog has had a steady flow of visitors and views the past couple of weeks which is awesome. I don’t know your stories, I only share mine with its ups and downs and my free pass right now to good mental health. I am fortunate for I have an excellent psychiatrist and awesome support at many levels.

I urge you all to continue this fight and never give up. Yes I want you to Have it all as Jason Mraz sings so freely. May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows. All you can imagine. If you believe it anything can happen. You, too, can have it all.

Keep up the fight and don’t stop believing in yourself above all. Don’t stop trying to find the right medication and when you find the right cocktail as I have found after ten years, don’t stop taking it even if you feel somewhat normal again. Find a good therapist you trust and build your support team. Stick with positive people and never give in to suicidal thoughts no matter how bad you feel. It will get better if you just keep trying to manage yours or your loved ones disorder. Believe and believe me that God wants the best for you no matter your color, size, sexual preference or religion or anything else which may seemingly separate us from each other!

May God bless and keep you all.

Email me anytime especially if you are alone this holiday season. I am on bedrest again due to my hospitalizations and would like nothing better to do than receive and answer a few emails no matter your circumstances or where you live!

at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria