I feel so loved…

To all,

I feel so loved these past few days.  As I listen to Jason Mraz’s song When we die which sings about how “you are loved, you are loved, you are loved” I feel deep to my inner core that I am loved as last few weeks I felt so unloved and alone.

Is the devil at work in my frustrations?  Is it my difficult childhood at play?  Is it because my husband has only told me a handful of times that he loves me and the last week we have said it to each other many times?  Is it a combination?

I wonder these things as I realize and recognize that I am loved by my parents, my spouse, my children and future daughter in law and all my friends.

My need to run is still a reaction to this feeling that i am unloved.  I ran away to New York to be a Broadway star (didn’t happen), I ran away to Arizona,  I ran away to the hotel a week and a half ago.

My therapist is making all these wonderful connections and is really doing a great job with me as she connects the dots on my schizophrenia and my need to run.  Why did it take so long to find a therapist who could truly help?  Not sure but grateful now that I am in her care.

My son who is getting married in April is coming over tomorrow with his fiance.  I wish to discuss with him why I kept from him my recent separation and take him up on the offer to stay at his place if I ever need to run again.

I can’t guarantee that I won’;t.  It may be twenty years again or it may be sooner or it may be never.  Only God knows.

My disorder is still cropping up but I am not giving up!

Pax

Victoria

Some sort of goulash, stigmatize, cheating and dream…

Dear readers,

I hope all is well with each one of you!

It has been a rough week and I feel compelled to share on here.

We thought my mom might die Monday night but after asking for prayer she came out of it and said she was hungry (she hadn’t eaten for  a week).  The next day she was back to her old critical self and got mad at me for cancelling my class (would have been a basket case anyway) and emphasized the importance of me not missing teaching my class.  She also paid me a huge compliment that I had my dream job and how happy she was that I was using my degree in my career.  The compliments are few from my mom so this was wonderful but the daggers she inserted the next day were huge and I would like to share.

She criticized me for driving 5 hours to meet another Schizophrenia survivor and actually expressed to me that it was my Schizophrenia!  This sort of stigmatizing affected me greatly and when she is better I plan to speak to her about it but for now I know she is just ignorant about how to deal with a person with Schizophrenia and in that ignorance she is forgiven.  But I did check in with my daughter if she agreed with my mom and she absolutely did not.  I had planned the trip for two months so it wasn’t impulsive and even though our time was short for a very long drive it was a potent and powerful meeting which I will always be grateful for!

To loved ones, blaming decisions you don’t agree with on the disorder only causes much pain and suffering so find another way to deal with your loved ones affected by a disorder like Schizophrenia rather than accusing them of the disorder being the problem.  I am doing so well right now and am proud that my disorder is in some kind of remission.

Moving on…

I was grading some papers and it came to my attention that some students might have cheated on the ten point quiz.  I have already dealt with plagiarism and this realization made me sad, angry and powerless over my class.  Many thoughts of inferiority came up, did I make the quiz too hard, why are they feeling the need to cheat on a ten point quiz and the like.  I made a decision after discussing the matter with many and sent out an email to the class that there might have been cheating occurring on the quiz and that if I caught anybody cheating on any future tests they would get a zero and be made to sit in the front of the class for all future quizzes and exams.  So sad that at a college level I had to do this but since  I cannot prove this I felt that dealing with the class in a broad way might alleviate future cheating.  But the whole process caused me much angst and right now I am fighting depression and this surely added to it in a negative way.

I do not know if I will teach again in the spring as some of the stress this job is causing is just that, stressful and I must take care of my mental health above all else.  Now that I am receiving permanent disability I have that leisure to not work so I pray God to guide me in all that I do.

After a rough day of staying in my pajamas all day, eating much sugar and not doing very much I had the most interesting dream.

I was a child again but with the same problems I suffer today, Schizophrenia, dad’s major strokes, mom sick and critical and the like.  I was sort of adopted by this very large family.  I was appreciated, encouraged and made to feel like a part of the family. Reminded me of how heaven may be one day…

I know I suffer from much emotional baggage from my childhood and this dream worked out some of the needs I had that weren’t met as a child.

I know that I must not give up, God knows we’re worth it and I won’t give up!  My  new therapist is very helpful in working through these childhood issues and I can see the other side but it is painful and hard work!

Bless you all,

Pax

Victoria

Let’s see what the night can do….

I want to get lost with the Divine!

But alas here I am cleaning up my dog’s mess in the morning and cooking food for a few days for my mom, who won’t eat unless I bring her food even though she is  a multi-millionaire.

As I listen to this song “Let’s see what the night can do” by Jason Mraz I am reminded of my psychotic days when I ignored all else and got lost in God but in a very dysfunctional sense, writing prolifically, giving messages to priests, warning the world of impending doom and the like. Before the night brought me distress, now it brings me rest and I can feel refreshed and ready to start my day even if it includes yucky and tedious tasks like this morning.

Today it is very different.  My recovery since February 2018 has been incredibly remarkable.  First got back on old regimine of Risperdal, Latuda, Lexapro and the addition of Klonapin which helps my anxiety much more effectively than Attivan ever did.  This got me back to a functional level of being able to work again and do many things, enjoyable and work related and even social although I still prefer my alone time.

If it weren’t for people I would be a saint; or rather thanks to people I have the hope to become one.  People test my patience and reality which allows me to improve upon my character defects or sin whatever is more comfortable for you.  Patience, tolerance, love and compassion even for the most difficult people, it all will one day lead to my sanctification and with grace we can do much.  I try not to hate my shortcomings but again and again I despise them until I realize that I need to accept them as part of who I am and not hate them so.

As I have started taking CBD oil full spectrum from GOTERPY, once again I see much improvement in my symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder.  I don’t feel as if I am the most special person  to ever live anymore and everyday things no longer always bore me.  The mundane is even at times welcome as I now realize that we cannot be inspired all the time no matter how special we are which I Know emphatically we all are.

Another song by Jason Mraz which I listen to every day is “Have it all“.  God wants us all to have it all, not material things but peace and love and joy and auspiciousness and success.  Thank you Jason for this wonderful song which reminds of God’s plan for me to “Have it all” even with my diagnosis.

Pax

Victoria

The Promised link about my gift of suffering for the Divine

Greetings readers, old and new!

I greet you in the name of the Divine which I have recently decided to call the God of my understanding.  I wish to offend no one by my faith which is Catholic with Buddhist philosophy interspersed with my belief system.  I am finding great interest in Eastern spirituality but more on that later….

I am now on a new forum which will be forwarded if you are one of my followers in the near future or you can go here to sign up for the new site.  This new site features my new book, Suffering, Loving God and Being in His will for all, and also has my caveat, blog, information about CureSZ of which I am donating a profit of all book sales and some more information about me.

New site

I am starting a new teaching job next week so posts will be on the fly or when I get a chance to breathe but either way around it I am grateful for the opportunity again to be working, although I know all my last few years have been profitable for my soul, finding myself again and going through numerous med changes.  I am now on a new regimine which is Risperdal, Latuda, Klonapin, and Lexapro for my Schizoaffective Disorder diagnosis.  But now I get to try again and try I will but know that it may not be the Divine’s will for me.  But I have faith to move mountains that His perfect will will be done!

To read more about The Gift that I feel God bestowed upon me at age 36 in 2006 click on this older post that describes it in detail:

Prayed to be able to suffer and God does not disappoint

Hope everyone has a fabulous day and weekend.  I will be working on my first podcast because I also believe in the power of the spoken word and getting ready to teach my Sociology 101 class!

Feel free to email me at anytime at victoria@schizophreniarecovery.us or victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will respond as I am able or leave a comment if that is easier.  Again, thank you for all your support.

I pray for all of you, please do the same as you are led.  He wants us all to   “Have it all” as Jason Mraz sings, not things but peace, serenity and joy even though we live with this debilitating disorder.

Pax

Victoria

Got my permanent disability at long last!

After 5 years it finally went through and I will still be able to teach my class and keep my benefits!   Can I get a woo hoo? Thanks for all the support, comments and encouragement along the way!

Stay tuned for my first podcast coming soon! Haven’t heard back yet from Jason Mraz about using his music but God’s will will be done!

Pax

victoria

Love is the answer

In all things I do may love be at the forefront of all I do…

for the Divine

for my loved ones, especially my parents, husband and three children

I must love in deed and word

Ignoring my disorder as it causes me to go from project to project without thinking about God and all that is good.

I feed myself with spiritual readings on Eastern philosophies, Catholic teachings especially about Mary who was God’s greatest gift to this world.

Mothers are so special that even God wanted one and it is through her that we have our redemption.  She is perfect and from her I learn how to love.

What has precipitated this post is a situation that caused me much distress within my marriage.  But I asked Mary for guidance and she does not fail to go to the Father who art in heaven and present my needs.  Things are much better now that I was able to be honest with him about my needs.  The Divine is so good and wants good for us all through His love for Mankind and all that he hopes for us to realize in this lifetime!

Pax

Victoria

I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.

Goodnight

As usual pax,

Victoria

Letter to long-time favorite musician…

Dear readers,

Today is going to be a different type of post as I feel led by God…

I am going to write a letter to Jason Mraz, an amazing sonwriter and artist among other things but most importantly my spiritual guide through his music, although he would never know and I did not know until a few minutes ago on his live Youtube video, see link at end of letter if interested in more about him (still trying to figure out how to post this, it should be there shortly).

I will start my letter with a Sanskrit mantra to greet him and make the request for permission to play his music on my podcasts, featuring I’m yours  for the Intro i won’t give up and Have it all for the closing.  I don’t want anything else from him except to never stop making music and a box of Avocados from Mraz farm lol seriously I want the avocados…

Om Namah Shivaya

(I honor the divinity which resides within me is it’s translation)

Jason,

Words cannot do justice what your music has meant to me since I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006.  I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and I guess He took me seriously because I was at Mass on Easter vigil that year when it came upon me.  Suddenly, fiercely and unceasingly.  I started receiving urgent messages from God and they haunted me even when I was sleeping.  I heard the voice of Jesus on one occasion and of Mary on another and that was the extent of my voices but constant thought insertion along with believing I was very special which is hard to talk about.

So where does your music come in?  I really don’t know exactly but I have to be hones that the first song I heard of yours, “Beautiful Mess” didn’t do anything for me.  My daughter who introduced me to it thought it was the greatest but I was like, nah not for me.

Fast-forward several years and after I felt suicidal, dark and despairing I heard the song, “I won’t give up”.  It became my mantra and is still special to me to this day because I haven’t given up.  Much suffering has been in my life due to my disability and there is a lot in between but right now I want to get to the good part.

I love to read and stumbled rather feel was led by God through auspicious events to purchase a book called Sadhana (Way to God) through spiritual exercises.  Well I am not one who always follows things in the order presented but for some reason I embarked upon the first exercise which was to sit, just sit in silence for ten minutes.  Well I wish I could say I did the ten but was distracted by my dogs who are my frequent company.  I did about 5, so half is good and during that silence all I could think or the idea that was presented to me was, “I want you to have it all.”  It was not your music although I have listened to that song since it first came out every day and it just came on on my Spotify which is very fitting don’t you think?

The Divine want us all to Have it all, not mini storage containers as things and fame and money are fleeting as I know you know…. but He wants us all to possess peace and joy and serenity and let me take a deep breath, been doing a lot this week especially during your movie I saw last night with 4 people in the theater but I sang and danced in my chair!  So I enjoyed every minute with my dear daughter who has been with me throughout my whole mental disorder journey to recovery which is now in full force.  I start teaching in two weeks a Sociology 101 class at our local community college.  How fun will that be to inspire young minds in the classroom again.  But I will spare all the details of my last half a year since February 2018 when I was suicidal and reached out for help to my daughter….So much good and hard times again through it all, ah but such is life no?  Ups and downs, joy and sadness ever fleeting.

I didn’t mention it but I published a book about a portion of my recovery from a mental disorder which took 8 years to write and was published in January 2018.

See schizophreniarecovery.us to learn more about my book which journals my recovery.

Profits of my book which will be the subject of some of my podcasts will go to CureSZ who is run by a friend of mine of whom I have become quite close.  Excitedly I will meet her in September in San Diego, first time face to face!  And your concert in September also.  Love watching you perform, not because of the music or songs, those are great too, but rather your enthusiasm and the God-given talent you possess in your face and expressions during the songs.  Sorry if that’s weird but positivity is contagious!

So I will close with this and await your answer to my request to play, excerpts of “i’m Yours”, “I won’t give up” and “Have it All” for all my podcasts.

Me in a nutshell- A Catholic Buddhist (is that possible) married woman (26 years since 1992), mother of three wonderful and amazing children of whom all love me very much and each support me in their own way), a teacher now after years being unable to work, and a person with Schizoaffective Disorder.  I list that last because I do not allow it to define me, after all I prayed for suffering and God does not disappoint!  Only after great pain can one know great joy and I am so very blessed these days but feel the urgency to get my book out there and so be it.  Amen!

Thank you if you actually read this, I await your answer and my box of avocados lol

Humbly,

Pax

Victoria

Which is just my pen name due to my husband’s request for my anonymity.  If you could please keep him in your thoughts for peace for all in this world.

Thank you Jason.  I truly have it all and need nothing more than your permission!