Dear readers,

I don’t blog much these days but life has been crazy.

I am learning what works for me, what motivates me and how to deal with some difficult emotions found around those I love, tears, smiles and a lot more. But for the most part I am doing really well despite this difficult diagnosis.

Some of the things I do to stay well is to every day do the following:

Deep breaths


read my bible

self care

garden (ok not every day)

Keep my house up

take care of my doggies

take care of the bills, taxes, cars, houses and paperwork

read inspirational books and articles or watch Tedtalks

exercise several times a week (yoga, walking, cleaning house, and going to start interval running.

and last but not least I listen to inspirational music mainly Jason Mraz (ok I am obsessed with him and his music ha ha)

Life is pretty good right now except for some minor anxiety. I also take a few supplements NAC, CBD oil full spectrum (because of taking this oil I am no longer delusional) and magnesium. I also take my anti-psychotic meds every day no matter how I feel.

I don’t feel the need to blog as much as I used to because the delusions are gone. Come to find out the book I wrote I was delusional while writing it. When I reread it (which is rare) I find that I don’t remember even writing it. I remember my delusions and although I am free of them it’s nice to be free!

Hope all of you are doing well!




You are loved as am I…

Happy New Year 2019 to all my readers old, new and in between!

It’s the eve of the New Year’s and I am of course listening to my favorite songs, When we die which sings how much we are loved and Rescue by Jason Mraz… His music fills me with so much peace and love that I just wanted to share it with you all.

And you are loved, all of you, by of utmost importance God, The Divine, and me and I’m sure hopefully you all have had people now, in the past and in the New Year who not only love you but care for you deeply, even if you haven’t spoken to them for a while or if they haven’t told you in a while.

I recently completed my 8th step with my sponsor 9who I have had for five years now) and she had me do it in a very unique way that has proved helpful when I am feeling unloved and that no one cares.

She had me make a list of all the people in my life who love me and list the ways that I know. Interesting but very helpful when I am ignored or cast aside for whatever reason. I read it yesterday because I wasn’t feeling well. I actually spent 5 hours in ER on Saturday because my legs, especially my left one were swelling and I felt weak and fatigued. How elated I was when Dr. Cody from ER pronounced that it was nothing serious and I didn’t have to have my third hospital stay this month. I had peripheral edema but don’t know why so I am taking a water pill for a couple of days and seeing my regular nurse practitioner next Monday to follow up.

So yesterday I was feeling low energy due to the ER visit, my condition and I woke up at 5 am (long story) and had gone to bed at midnight. So I hadn’t heard from anyone that day so what do I do? I start feeling sorry for myself and then I remembered my list and even got to add to it! And it really helped my emotional state.

On Saturday before ER, my husband and I went to the beach to hang out and spend a little time before his best friend from LA arrived for four days. We were walking and I grabbed his hand knowing it isn’t his favorite thing to do. So I asked him something like, “do you like holding my hand?” and he answered, “you know I don’t like holding hands” so I went to let go to respect him and he clung to my hand in a very gentle but meaningful way. If that isn’t love I don’t know what it is. He wasn’t happy I had to go to ER naturally because it cut our fun short but he knew it was better to get my legs checked out after all the problems this month.

And if that wasn’t awesome enough us holding hands for a long time, the ER visit was free because I met my deductible which isn’t great but at least the visit was free and I got a clean bill of health to enjoy the New Year’s holidays with my son. He and I are watching the original Pirates of the Caribbean, which we both love, to bring in the New Year’s.

If you are hurting right now I urge you to make a list of every kind deed shown to you, whether it be a stranger or family or friend and look at it often. I have the list on my phone which is beneficial because it is never far away…

God bless you all!



Darkest moment of 2018 and now…

Merry Christmas Eve to all of you!

Just reflecting on my darkest moment of 2018 when I was suicidal in February and I reached out for help to my daughter who was living in Colorado by phone. I knew I needed help but was in the fetal position with the plan to take all my meds to end the extreme suffering I was in.

It was a combination of going off of a med and not having enough meds in me, along with my husband kicking me out for my vices and relapsing, going to a hotel for fear of what my husband would do. I have never been suicidal with a plan before and it was scary. My daughter called my youngest son and came to the hotel and got me to the hospital thank you God. And I stayed on the phone with my daughter until he arrived and she let me know she was flying home that night! I felt so bad to interrupt her life so but was so happy to have her near while I was in the hospital. She soon announced that she was also moving home because she was tired of being away worrying about me when she could be home and closer to me.

We now are doing awesome. She lives at home and helps me so much but is no longer my emotional caregiver. Surprisingly my husband is my main support now. Very weird.

Anyway the now is that I am no longer practicing the vices that got me to that point, 9 and a half months to be exact and I am so content with things. I still struggle to get things done but the stark difference is apparent in so many ways.

I wanted to give up that day in February of this year, but I reached out for help and I encourage any of you who are struggling with your life to reach out for that help as well. Sometimes we all need to be rescued. This song by Jason Mraz is my favorite song called Rescue and it makes me so happy that I have people in my life who are willing to do so much to help me when I am down on my luck. Check it out here and make that call even if it is 911.

The holidays can be tough for sure and I know I am very fortunate to have the support that I have that not all people have. I am grateful every day I am alive and the best part is that I want to be alive today and am looking forward to a better upcoming year!

God bless you all!



I feel so loved…

To all,

I feel so loved these past few days.  As I listen to Jason Mraz’s song When we die which sings about how “you are loved, you are loved, you are loved” I feel deep to my inner core that I am loved as last few weeks I felt so unloved and alone.

Is the devil at work in my frustrations?  Is it my difficult childhood at play?  Is it because my husband has only told me a handful of times that he loves me and the last week we have said it to each other many times?  Is it a combination?

I wonder these things as I realize and recognize that I am loved by my parents, my spouse, my children and future daughter in law and all my friends.

My need to run is still a reaction to this feeling that i am unloved.  I ran away to New York to be a Broadway star (didn’t happen), I ran away to Arizona,  I ran away to the hotel a week and a half ago.

My therapist is making all these wonderful connections and is really doing a great job with me as she connects the dots on my schizophrenia and my need to run.  Why did it take so long to find a therapist who could truly help?  Not sure but grateful now that I am in her care.

My son who is getting married in April is coming over tomorrow with his fiance.  I wish to discuss with him why I kept from him my recent separation and take him up on the offer to stay at his place if I ever need to run again.

I can’t guarantee that I won’;t.  It may be twenty years again or it may be sooner or it may be never.  Only God knows.

My disorder is still cropping up but I am not giving up!



Some sort of goulash, stigmatize, cheating and dream…

Dear readers,

I hope all is well with each one of you!

It has been a rough week and I feel compelled to share on here.

We thought my mom might die Monday night but after asking for prayer she came out of it and said she was hungry (she hadn’t eaten for  a week).  The next day she was back to her old critical self and got mad at me for cancelling my class (would have been a basket case anyway) and emphasized the importance of me not missing teaching my class.  She also paid me a huge compliment that I had my dream job and how happy she was that I was using my degree in my career.  The compliments are few from my mom so this was wonderful but the daggers she inserted the next day were huge and I would like to share.

She criticized me for driving 5 hours to meet another Schizophrenia survivor and actually expressed to me that it was my Schizophrenia!  This sort of stigmatizing affected me greatly and when she is better I plan to speak to her about it but for now I know she is just ignorant about how to deal with a person with Schizophrenia and in that ignorance she is forgiven.  But I did check in with my daughter if she agreed with my mom and she absolutely did not.  I had planned the trip for two months so it wasn’t impulsive and even though our time was short for a very long drive it was a potent and powerful meeting which I will always be grateful for!

To loved ones, blaming decisions you don’t agree with on the disorder only causes much pain and suffering so find another way to deal with your loved ones affected by a disorder like Schizophrenia rather than accusing them of the disorder being the problem.  I am doing so well right now and am proud that my disorder is in some kind of remission.

Moving on…

I was grading some papers and it came to my attention that some students might have cheated on the ten point quiz.  I have already dealt with plagiarism and this realization made me sad, angry and powerless over my class.  Many thoughts of inferiority came up, did I make the quiz too hard, why are they feeling the need to cheat on a ten point quiz and the like.  I made a decision after discussing the matter with many and sent out an email to the class that there might have been cheating occurring on the quiz and that if I caught anybody cheating on any future tests they would get a zero and be made to sit in the front of the class for all future quizzes and exams.  So sad that at a college level I had to do this but since  I cannot prove this I felt that dealing with the class in a broad way might alleviate future cheating.  But the whole process caused me much angst and right now I am fighting depression and this surely added to it in a negative way.

I do not know if I will teach again in the spring as some of the stress this job is causing is just that, stressful and I must take care of my mental health above all else.  Now that I am receiving permanent disability I have that leisure to not work so I pray God to guide me in all that I do.

After a rough day of staying in my pajamas all day, eating much sugar and not doing very much I had the most interesting dream.

I was a child again but with the same problems I suffer today, Schizophrenia, dad’s major strokes, mom sick and critical and the like.  I was sort of adopted by this very large family.  I was appreciated, encouraged and made to feel like a part of the family. Reminded me of how heaven may be one day…

I know I suffer from much emotional baggage from my childhood and this dream worked out some of the needs I had that weren’t met as a child.

I know that I must not give up, God knows we’re worth it and I won’t give up!  My  new therapist is very helpful in working through these childhood issues and I can see the other side but it is painful and hard work!

Bless you all,



Let’s see what the night can do….

I want to get lost with the Divine!

But alas here I am cleaning up my dog’s mess in the morning and cooking food for a few days for my mom, who won’t eat unless I bring her food even though she is  a multi-millionaire.

As I listen to this song “Let’s see what the night can do” by Jason Mraz I am reminded of my psychotic days when I ignored all else and got lost in God but in a very dysfunctional sense, writing prolifically, giving messages to priests, warning the world of impending doom and the like. Before the night brought me distress, now it brings me rest and I can feel refreshed and ready to start my day even if it includes yucky and tedious tasks like this morning.

Today it is very different.  My recovery since February 2018 has been incredibly remarkable.  First got back on old regimine of Risperdal, Latuda, Lexapro and the addition of Klonapin which helps my anxiety much more effectively than Attivan ever did.  This got me back to a functional level of being able to work again and do many things, enjoyable and work related and even social although I still prefer my alone time.

If it weren’t for people I would be a saint; or rather thanks to people I have the hope to become one.  People test my patience and reality which allows me to improve upon my character defects or sin whatever is more comfortable for you.  Patience, tolerance, love and compassion even for the most difficult people, it all will one day lead to my sanctification and with grace we can do much.  I try not to hate my shortcomings but again and again I despise them until I realize that I need to accept them as part of who I am and not hate them so.

As I have started taking CBD oil full spectrum from GOTERPY, once again I see much improvement in my symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder.  I don’t feel as if I am the most special person  to ever live anymore and everyday things no longer always bore me.  The mundane is even at times welcome as I now realize that we cannot be inspired all the time no matter how special we are which I Know emphatically we all are.

Another song by Jason Mraz which I listen to every day is “Have it all“.  God wants us all to have it all, not material things but peace and love and joy and auspiciousness and success.  Thank you Jason for this wonderful song which reminds of God’s plan for me to “Have it all” even with my diagnosis.



The Promised link about my gift of suffering for the Divine

Greetings readers, old and new!

I greet you in the name of the Divine which I have recently decided to call the God of my understanding.  I wish to offend no one by my faith which is Catholic with Buddhist philosophy interspersed with my belief system.  I am finding great interest in Eastern spirituality but more on that later….

I am now on a new forum which will be forwarded if you are one of my followers in the near future or you can go here to sign up for the new site.  This new site features my new book, Suffering, Loving God and Being in His will for all, and also has my caveat, blog, information about CureSZ of which I am donating a profit of all book sales and some more information about me.

New site

I am starting a new teaching job next week so posts will be on the fly or when I get a chance to breathe but either way around it I am grateful for the opportunity again to be working, although I know all my last few years have been profitable for my soul, finding myself again and going through numerous med changes.  I am now on a new regimine which is Risperdal, Latuda, Klonapin, and Lexapro for my Schizoaffective Disorder diagnosis.  But now I get to try again and try I will but know that it may not be the Divine’s will for me.  But I have faith to move mountains that His perfect will will be done!

To read more about The Gift that I feel God bestowed upon me at age 36 in 2006 click on this older post that describes it in detail:

Prayed to be able to suffer and God does not disappoint

Hope everyone has a fabulous day and weekend.  I will be working on my first podcast because I also believe in the power of the spoken word and getting ready to teach my Sociology 101 class!

Feel free to email me at anytime at victoria@schizophreniarecovery.us or victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will respond as I am able or leave a comment if that is easier.  Again, thank you for all your support.

I pray for all of you, please do the same as you are led.  He wants us all to   “Have it all” as Jason Mraz sings, not things but peace, serenity and joy even though we live with this debilitating disorder.



Got my permanent disability at long last!

After 5 years it finally went through and I will still be able to teach my class and keep my benefits!   Can I get a woo hoo? Thanks for all the support, comments and encouragement along the way!

Stay tuned for my first podcast coming soon! Haven’t heard back yet from Jason Mraz about using his music but God’s will will be done!



Love is the answer

In all things I do may love be at the forefront of all I do…

for the Divine

for my loved ones, especially my parents, husband and three children

I must love in deed and word

Ignoring my disorder as it causes me to go from project to project without thinking about God and all that is good.

I feed myself with spiritual readings on Eastern philosophies, Catholic teachings especially about Mary who was God’s greatest gift to this world.

Mothers are so special that even God wanted one and it is through her that we have our redemption.  She is perfect and from her I learn how to love.

What has precipitated this post is a situation that caused me much distress within my marriage.  But I asked Mary for guidance and she does not fail to go to the Father who art in heaven and present my needs.  Things are much better now that I was able to be honest with him about my needs.  The Divine is so good and wants good for us all through His love for Mankind and all that he hopes for us to realize in this lifetime!



I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.


As usual pax,