Too much stimuli can be bad but not enough isn’t good either….

Dear readers,

Happy Sunday!  As I sit here this morning I was debating about blogging or not.  Well we’ll see if this post gets published.

I am not in a terrible place but not a good one either.  I am bored with myself.  And I know it has to do with quitting drinking but I know it was the best decision to make and know this feeling of blah will pass.  I know I want to be sober for many reasons and that I am an alcoholic even if I never got a drunk driving or had anything terrible happen.  I obsess over my next drink and have to have one or two every day and this last drunk I had made friends with the bartender which to some may be a good thing but to me it opened my eyes.

He had been making my drinks really strong and this last time he came over and poured some extra in my glass and I couldn’t not drink it.  I had to wait three hours before I could drive and knew I could never go back there as it would happen again and luckily that day I didn’t have to be anywhere so it worked out but now that he did that once (got me drunk) I know I can’t go there again as the same thing might happen.  So I just disappeared from the bar and it’s been a week since the occurrence.  I’m good at disappearing:)

As to the title of this blog I ponder about my need for self care.  I can’t be places where there is a lot of noise or activity but also I don’t like it when I am alone and the silence is sometimes too much.  Hoping my new therapist will help me to be able to balance between the two.

My husband’s best friend came for the weekend and yesterday it was too much with my husband making breakfast and his friend and my sons all in the kitchen with a huge mess from the day before.  I went to the park and played my zen music and was able to feel better after an hour and came home and tackled the dishes and hung out with my kids.  It was a good day but had its moments for sure.

Today the house is quiet but with much to do and not doing it yet but will soon.  Music is playing while I blog and still in love with Jason Mraz.  He has a concert coming up in October my birthday month when I will be turning 50 (more on that in a minute) but I might not go to the concert because he dresses up with his banana suit and sings all these deep songs but I can’t stand what he is wearing ha ha.  So I will wait and see because the last concert I went to he was wearing it and still is in the Philippines so we shall see.

As to turning 50, I am pretty excited about it.  That is a huge milestone.  And although I might not be where I want to be right now I know what I like and what works for the most part but am looking forward to hearing what my zen therapist has to say about some areas of my life that need changing and the good part is that I know what they are just sort of stuck.

So we shall see with how she can help and as usual I will report back.

Hope you all are doing well.  I pray for you all every night before sleep…



Feeling out of sorts…

Dear readers,

Today nothing tastes good.  I have quit drinking and been watching my calories and increased protein and fiber and weighed today and up three pounds:( So what do I do?  I make chocolate chip pancakes to drown in my sorrows and it didn’t even taste good.  Only had one…

I have an appointment with my regular doctor to discuss my weight problem and hopefully will get some answers.  Hoping she can give me weight loss pills to help with the hunger that I feel.

I know I have said before I would rather than be fat and sane than skinny and psychotic.  Well today I am sane and fat and feeling like there must be some other answer.  I thought that quitting drinking my calories and watching my intake would yield results but alas didn’t work.

I have been working out every day almost and while it feels good also would have thought it would have caused some weight loss.

Enough about my weight I am bored even typing out these words.

I am fixing up my guest room and now calling it my meditation room.  I bought a cool bedspread and new desk and bookshelf and wall hang.  It is all very zen so hoping to bring more peace in the room I spend most of my time.

Relationships are all solid as are the finances so I have  lot to be grateful for.

My husband’s work changed owners so he will be making more money so going to try to not spend too much although I spent some on my meditation room.  I must be a better steward with our money.

My parents are both doing well.  So happy they are both alive and well for the most part.

I’m just down right now and don’t have any answers  but at least I am not psychotic thanks to the cbd oil I now take.  Seriously it is a game changer!

Well I am off to prep my meditation room for painting.

Hope you are all doing well.  I know this mood will pass but for now I am not smiling and as grateful as I know I should be.  Must avoid the word should!  I am where I am.  Safe.



Tired of the apathy… but there is hope!:)

Dear readers,

Do any of you get tired of being apathetic?  I do.  Lately I have been drinking a little again and I love it when I feel that buzz but don’t like to get drunk.  It’s a hard balance to maintain.  The restaurants with bars either don’t give me the buzz or give me the buzz too much and then I don’t feel safe driving so I sit there and it sucks.  Actually been drinking socially, two drinks, with friends and husband but again too many problems.

I like the way it feels but then it goes away or stays too long.  Can’t smoke weed, tried it and didn’t like the feeling of getting high.

I did have a breakthrough today though.  I finally got a hold of a new life transformation coach who is Buddhist… it took her so long to get back to me because she is on a long retreat.  That makes me feel good that she does things like that, gets away without much cell reception to take care of herself.

I feel like I need a retreat but I miss my home, kids and hubbie, and doggies too much when I go away but I think I will try it.  Going to google retreats when I am done blogging.

My new coach will give me homework and hopefully help me to realize some of the goals I have to be at a better place.  Yoga and meditation are what I want to be doing but for some reason haven’t been doing it.

Tried AA for the drinking but I don’t really know if I am actually an alcoholic because I can stop after a drink or two and I still get a lot done.

I see her or talk to her on the phone on July 10th when she gets back so really looking forward to gleaning some of her wisdom and zen.

Hope everyone is doing well.  Although I am in a rut, my mental health is better than ever except for the drinking.  If you could say a prayer for guidance from above for me that would be great.  And prayers are always returned in full force.




Some days just suck…

Dear readers,

Today is not one of them though, ha ha.  But the other day I really fell out of my groove and did way to much which led to a feeling of being out of control which I did not like.

Today I am unmotivated to do anything productive.  But that’s ok because I did a lot yesterday for my daughter’s birthday.  Yes I still spoil my adult children because I don’t have any grandchildren yet and I love to do it.

I have been doing pretty good at keeping things pretty level.  Walking and yoga are my best friends.  And the occasional drink.  I finally got honest with my hubbie that I am having a drink now and again.  But I start obsessing over having a drink which is not good.  So I am praying for this obsession to be removed so that I can go out with my hubbie and have a couple of drinks which we did the other night and had so much fun hanging out with his soon to be ex boss and husband.

Life is good and even though the house is a mess and I am not motivated to do anything about it that’s ok because I know I will eventually.  The funny thing is that there is no cheese in the fridge and my kids are freaking out.  I need to get to the store but don’t feel like doing that either.  But I will later today.

I am thinking about having bariatric  surgery.  But I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle the diet afterwards but want desperately to lose these 75 pounds.  I have tried everything!  You name it and I have gone down that road.  My dad noticed the other day that I had gained weight.  That’s funny because although he has dementia he still notices things about me.  Seriously, I am sick of being obese at 235 again.  I have lost the weight before but always gain it back.  So it seems like it is the only option for me to have surgery and knowing me I will go for the big bang- gastric bypass!  It changes the metabolic condition that causes hunger so I am going to a seminar on July 1st.  We shall see and appreciate any prayers for all to be in God’s perfect most adorable will!

God is good I must say because He never leaves or forsakes me even at this heavy weight!

Wishing you all a great rest of the week.  Keep on trucking to a better life, one filled with life and blessings around every corner.f

For me I am going to clean up my house because I know I will feel better afterwards!




Tiny victories add up to something big in mental health…

Dear readers,

I have been reading again and my latest treasure is called “On being Human” by Pastiloff, Jennifer which is a delightful memoir on, you guessed it, on being human, despite difficulties.  It is about acceptance and the realization that we are all human but it is our attitude that makes the difference.

Having a mental health disorder means many things.  And the most important part that sits well with me is the fact that the more I do things that aid in the best mental health possible the better I will be…

I took a break from blogging for a time but I am now at the point where after this needed break I am ready to share with all my readers what I have been up to.  Mainly yoga, meditation and developing a practice which is non competitive and wholesome.

I don’t do yoga every day but I embrace the philosophy it embodies.  Non judgmental, peaceful and embracing my body with its curves and all.  It’s a way of life and I am loving it.

Prior to starting a yoga practice I was not always happy and although I still have my moments I am practicing patience and the mantra “do no harm” I am embracing.  To me all life is precious and I no longer take for granted the things that once escaped my notice.

Life is full and so amazing.  There isn’t time for pity that I can’t work or for negative self talk that I am a failure.  No instead I am loving life and happy that the medicines work so well along with full spectrum cbd oil from Goterpy.

My delusions are gone and I wake up every day to a day that I look forward to and although I still have hard days it isn’t so much because of the Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder but rather because I am human.

So I hope to blog more about this new journey.  I have found my passion and yoga is only the start.  I hope to be nicotine free soon but for now I am just noticing things and the way they make me feel.

Have a great day!



Back to the basics, goal to blog more…

Dear readers,

I haven’t been blogging much these days because I have been doing so well mentally thanks to full spectrum cbd oil.  Been somewhat productive, been praying, been taking each moment for what it is, been helping my folks…

Yet today I am disgusted with my weight and don’t have motivation to do anything about it.  I crave high calorie foods and due to injuries haven’t been exercising like I want to.  Also lack of motivation on my part.

It is beautiful outside and I want to walk but yet here I sit blogging.  It is supposed to be hot again today and If I don’t walk now I may not do it due to the heat.

I am listening to Elvis Presley gospel music and speaks to my soul.

Negative thoughts pervade my very being.  You are fat, you are a failure, you suck.  I know I must change my mindset but it is hard when I am so overweight and addicted to vaping nicotine.

Good news though is that I am now sober once again.  I went to an AA meeting last night after an awesome dinner with my hubbie.  It was depressing:(  I have been going to meetings for ten years and I don’t feel like I get very much out of them.  Is this the disease at work and at play?  I wonder as I type…

I reconnected with an old best friend and it was great. We got sober at the same time 5 years ago but I needed to do more research and the results are in, I am an alcoholic for sure.  I cannot drink or smoke pot like ordinary people.  I start to obsess and it just isn’t good for my mental health.

So I will reach out to Jesus, He’s reaching out to me and you.  Jesus please help!

Glad my fractured mind is doing so well.  I don’t work and that is great.  My husband got a promotion but I also spent a lot last month that he doesn’t know about.  Oops!  Addiction follows me at many levels.

I quit with my therapist as I don’t feel like it was beneficial.

If I could just get control of my eating and exercise I will be one happy gal.  I know it all starts with one step but that first step is the hardest to take. …

I will not give up on my diet and exercise.  One of the medications I am causes this desire for high fat food.  I can blame it on that I guess but am sick of spending money on programs to lose weight.

Sorry I I’m rambling but it feels good to get these thoughts out there into the universe.  if these are the least of my concerns I am doing pretty darn well.

I have said before that I would rather be fat and mentally fit than skinny and mentally unwell.  So that is a start but I won’t give up on the weight loss.

Now that I am sober again I can make a plan and if I fall short at least I have started.

PRay all of you are doing well.

If anyone has success at losing weight on Risperdal and keeping it off please let me know.  I would appreciate any tips.

You can email me at

or leave a comment if that is easier.

God bless and keep you all!



Reset button…

Dear readers,

Well it has been a tough month for sure.  Been making poor food choices, not exercising last few days and mindset questionable.

But I see my psychiatrist this week and it will be good to check in with him on all counts.

I love the reset button and today I know will be a good day because I have the right mindset, to make healthier choices and to pray more, which is how God is leading me and I love it.

Last night I prayed all night because I was in such a bad place with my choices.  I took a hot bath and relaxed and prayed until I fell asleep.  Ok so not quite in that order but you get the picture.  All I have is prayer and I have even been praying in the spirit which feels great for my soul.

Been spending a lot of time with my folks and the people where my dad lives.  I pray for all the residents and the workers who take such awesome care of them.  So happy my mom and dad are still alive and it is so precious to see them loving on each other even in my dad’s diminished capacity.

Life is good and I must remember that on days when I don’t do all set out to do or even try to do the next right thing.

My sister in law is doing amazing after her brain surgery!  Thank you Jesus!

God is so good, He is good to me and all!



Not giving up! But not where I want to be…

Dear readers,

Wow!  I feel like I have been doing so well lately that when a hard day or two hits I am like, “What the F?”  Sorry but it’s hard having this disorder and sometimes words really say it all.

I relapsed on alcohol but got right back on track and have been back at meetings.  I reinjured my bursa (hip) and am getting a shot today for the pain.  I haven’t been able to walk much due to physical limitations (I really feel my age these days) but then I look at people older than me and I am like I’m falling apart.  Yesterday at the beach I saw this older woman in a skirt who was building a circle with stones or shells (couldn’t quite see) and i was like dang I hope that’s me one day ha ha.

And then there is the mental.  As I have shared before my parents are both still alive but frail in many ways.  I have been spending a lot of time with them lately and it is all good but it is hard on me mentally to not have them like when I was younger.  I miss going to coffee with my dad and taking long walks with my mom.

Been fighting negativity as hard as I can and winning for the most part.  Life can be great or life can be blah.  Must find an in between state of just contentment.  I have some good friends which is great and I even occasionally make some new ones yet I spend a lot lot of time alone.  Not sure what I prefer really.

My ideal life would be one where I did my yoga practice faithfully and meditated more often.  Do no harm is my mantra and I regret my past offenses against nature.  Death even for a small creature is hard and I must appreciate all life that God gives.  It may seem silly but even an insect has life and must be valued no matter how small.  I still kill gnats and flies and don’t always feel bad about that.

Living in the moment is my goal and to appreciate every day I am alive.  Letting go of thoughts that do not make me strong and being grateful for everything.  The mundane, the awesome, the blah.

In pain right now with my hip so hard to appreciate life right now.

Hope and pray all is well with all of you:)



All that matters…

Dear readers,

I am afraid at times, when I fall, when I give in, when I want to give up!

More than surviving these days, but the last two days have been sick and failing at some things and other things doing really well at.

To be called a Schizophrenia survivor means so much!  I have a life beyond my dreams.  And even though I am not currently doing all the things that need to get done I know that all that matters is that I trust in God.  Completely, freely and wholeheartedly.

Temptations are all around and too often I give in.  Won’t share precisely what I am talking about but it all has to do with honesty.  I hide things.  We all do I suppose but been thinking about this a lot lately.  I wish i could be honest in all my affairs…

Just now ordered some dressy yoga pants, three pairs.  Wow!  And won’t tell the hubby.  That is just one thing.

All I have is God to rely on and I surely do or I would just fall apart and I know i would give up without God directing my life.