The agony is real….

Whatever one can imagine to be the darkest place and then to come into the Cross as the only place that makes sense.

I am again at a crossroads in my recovery.  Trying to quit smoking, made it half the day ha ha progress or defeat the next few days will tell.  Was vaping but some lady approached me and told me they had just buried her friend’s son who had died from vaping.  So sad.  I threw it all away in trashcans where they will be discarded not searched through.

Trying out the patch.  It definitely helps but took it off today because I wanted to go in the pool and sauna at my gym.  Didn’t make it after all because of the smoking.

Trying to learn from  my mistakes.  It’s simple, don’t pick up the first one duh!

But for this 50 year old sometimes crazy Schizophrenia survivor the fight is real.

#lovingJesus

#heistheway

Pax

Victoria

Stressors and how I cope having a mental disorder…

  1. Money, although there always is some but yet wham, the unexpected or balloon payment is due like say for your taxes.  Mine are due in October.  Think of something else.  Don’t spend a dime.  Save if one can, even pennies add up to dollars.  I have definitely gotten better at saving this year.  I stopped shopping for everything on Amazon and am being more frugal about going to the store for every little item.  My husband was supposed to take over the bills because of my disorder but it hasn’t happened and never will probably.

I don’t work so I have more time to find coupons and deals when we do spend.  He makes a decent income so if I am careful I can really tuck some money away if I’m careful.

I know I am blessed.  I can’t imagine being single and having to rely on my disability income which I get $1,000 a month.

2. Sickness and getting older.  I am not as fit as I used to be but am getting back on track.  But I have been dealing for the past two weeks with a new medical problem surrounding digestive issues and am really trying to avoid going to the doctor right now because of lack of insurance (see #3) at least until October 1.

To combat this stress I try to eat healthy all the time with the occasional goodie.  I also am now exercising 4x a week on average.  I am gardening, walking and doing yoga throughout the week.  This helps my getting in better shape and also helps mental alertness and health.  Today was a rest day and all I wanted to do was to rest but I am in the middle of several projects around the house and rose garden so it was actually harder than I thought it would be to take a day off but my body needed the rest.  So back at it tomorrow!

Although this can stress me out a lot I am learning that the key to my happiness is acceptance.

Now i am much more motivated to do the healthy things that I am doing.  Which in the past it has really been problematic to just sit all day and do nothing, now I do rest in the mornings but do get busier later in the day.  So it is good that I am treating my body better because I have really been sick a lot and it has caused me to make sure I do all I can to be healthy.

I might go to the doctor this week.  We shall see how things go but this relates to #1 the money stress with doctor bills and testing they might want to do.

3.  My parents.  I accept they will not always be around but my dad is paralyzed on his left half of his body and my mom is a fighter but is still very frail yet tough as a bird!

How I combat this stress is by spending as much time with them as I can and appreciating every moment.

4.  Kids and husband.  Kids is easy to combat.  All the work I put in when they were growing up has paid off and although I might not agree with all their decisions I am very proud of the 3 of them.  Interestingly enough, my disorder did not kick in until I was 38 and I was only lost to the world for a year of being psychotic.  Husband is one of my kids ha ha so ditto for him.

I also stress over the unexpected busy day, making sure I take all my meds, doing all I can for my family and friends even when an interruption comes at an inconvenient time.  I used to turn off my phone, which I still do, but I do take calls when I can as needed to be a good friend!

Well that is the main stuff.  What are some things that stress you out and how do you cope?  Comment below or email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com.

Bless you all!  Of  course I pray a lot too and try to trust what God is doing.  But it isn’t always easy to do.

pax

Victoria

update

Dear readers,

I don’t blog much these days but life has been crazy.

I am learning what works for me, what motivates me and how to deal with some difficult emotions found around those I love, tears, smiles and a lot more. But for the most part I am doing really well despite this difficult diagnosis.

Some of the things I do to stay well is to every day do the following:

Deep breaths

prayer

read my bible

self care

garden (ok not every day)

Keep my house up

take care of my doggies

take care of the bills, taxes, cars, houses and paperwork

read inspirational books and articles or watch Tedtalks

exercise several times a week (yoga, walking, cleaning house, and going to start interval running.

and last but not least I listen to inspirational music mainly Jason Mraz (ok I am obsessed with him and his music ha ha)

Life is pretty good right now except for some minor anxiety. I also take a few supplements NAC, CBD oil full spectrum (because of taking this oil I am no longer delusional) and magnesium. I also take my anti-psychotic meds every day no matter how I feel.

I don’t feel the need to blog as much as I used to because the delusions are gone. Come to find out the book I wrote I was delusional while writing it. When I reread it (which is rare) I find that I don’t remember even writing it. I remember my delusions and although I am free of them it’s nice to be free!

Hope all of you are doing well!

Prayers,

pax

Victoria

Have it all…

God wants us to have it all!  Heaven, peace, wellness, all that is good and pure.  All that is evil will melt away.  So be it amen.

in heaven there will be no suffering especially the mentally disordered.  Although we do suffer now.  I’m starting to think that mental illness is evil, deceptive, misunderstood and the source of much decisiveness.

Don’t know how to change this except to blog about it.

I have a mental disorder, Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder.  I am recovered mostly except for some anxiety.

I have fought hard since 2006 to be recovered and God has allowed it through His grace and greatness.

Pax

Victoria

how have i accomplished so much being mentally disordered?

I read my bible and watch for God to speak to me through his many passages.  Today was 1 Corinthians.

I also take care of me, take my meds, keep connected with family and loved ones, keep up my house and bills, take care of the pups which is fun!  and take time for me to sometimes get away (went to Joshua Tree this last weekend with my daughter), sometimes to stay at home and often to run around this city and others, finding new things to do and making sure that i always have my physical needs taken care of.

I do have my vices coffee etc… but i make time for what is important, my mental health.  Tuesday I drove an hour each way to pick up samples of my meds which would have been 4,000$ if I had to pick them up at the pharmacy because I am cash pay right now.

Saving money has become my new passion from quarters and dimes to dollars to hundreds.  My husband got a new position and I am happy to say that he is doing very well.  He’s not happy with all of it though but is managing the stress of a new position with ease.

And last but not least I plan, not every second of my day but I decided to fix up my meditation room and painted it green with a tree on the wall.  Very zen with my Catholic crucifixes and my favorite statue of Mary the mother of God.

It’s quite lovely and i spend a lot of time in there.  No computer but I do use my phone to listen to music and research my next project which right now is renovating the rose garden.

those are some of the ways I live in recovery.  mental health is good right now with a little bit of anxiety.  but not psychotic or delusional about things although God still does talk to me through events by leading along this path we call life.

Pax

Victoria

 

I am a survivor…

Ever since being diagnosed with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder in Jan of 2008 I have had to fight.  And fighting I will still do, because despite the many valleys and mountains and deserts I have had an indomitable spirit and i know it comes from God.

Who is, was and is to come

Revelations 1

I shall proclaim His Resurrection as the women did and say that Jesus lives and reigns now and forever amen.

Pax

Victoria

 

New direction of this blog…

Well, well, well.  here I am wondering once again who I am and the reason God put me on this earth.

I constantly make decisions, we all do, but my decisions are life changing recently and I am back safe and sound again and happy to report doing well.

Today for the first time I looked at all my followers since 2013.  I recognized many but there were some with interesting handles who I have never seen.  It amazed me and reminded me why I started this blog…

It was not to convert people to Catholicism, it was not to save man kind, it was not to sell things, it was to give support to those in need and be a safe place where I could blog about my ups and downs and sometimes ramble and sometimes make perfect sense to somebody!

Have I impacted lives?  Yes I believe so.

So will I continue to blog?  yes, wholeheartedly yes!!!

Pax

Victoria

Too much stimuli can be bad but not enough isn’t good either….

Dear readers,

Happy Sunday!  As I sit here this morning I was debating about blogging or not.  Well we’ll see if this post gets published.

I am not in a terrible place but not a good one either.  I am bored with myself.  And I know it has to do with quitting drinking but I know it was the best decision to make and know this feeling of blah will pass.  I know I want to be sober for many reasons and that I am an alcoholic even if I never got a drunk driving or had anything terrible happen.  I obsess over my next drink and have to have one or two every day and this last drunk I had made friends with the bartender which to some may be a good thing but to me it opened my eyes.

He had been making my drinks really strong and this last time he came over and poured some extra in my glass and I couldn’t not drink it.  I had to wait three hours before I could drive and knew I could never go back there as it would happen again and luckily that day I didn’t have to be anywhere so it worked out but now that he did that once (got me drunk) I know I can’t go there again as the same thing might happen.  So I just disappeared from the bar and it’s been a week since the occurrence.  I’m good at disappearing:)

As to the title of this blog I ponder about my need for self care.  I can’t be places where there is a lot of noise or activity but also I don’t like it when I am alone and the silence is sometimes too much.  Hoping my new therapist will help me to be able to balance between the two.

My husband’s best friend came for the weekend and yesterday it was too much with my husband making breakfast and his friend and my sons all in the kitchen with a huge mess from the day before.  I went to the park and played my zen music and was able to feel better after an hour and came home and tackled the dishes and hung out with my kids.  It was a good day but had its moments for sure.

Today the house is quiet but with much to do and not doing it yet but will soon.  Music is playing while I blog and still in love with Jason Mraz.  He has a concert coming up in October my birthday month when I will be turning 50 (more on that in a minute) but I might not go to the concert because he dresses up with his banana suit and sings all these deep songs but I can’t stand what he is wearing ha ha.  So I will wait and see because the last concert I went to he was wearing it and still is in the Philippines so we shall see.

As to turning 50, I am pretty excited about it.  That is a huge milestone.  And although I might not be where I want to be right now I know what I like and what works for the most part but am looking forward to hearing what my zen therapist has to say about some areas of my life that need changing and the good part is that I know what they are just sort of stuck.

So we shall see with how she can help and as usual I will report back.

Hope you all are doing well.  I pray for you all every night before sleep…

Pax

Victoria

Feeling out of sorts…

Dear readers,

Today nothing tastes good.  I have quit drinking and been watching my calories and increased protein and fiber and weighed today and up three pounds:( So what do I do?  I make chocolate chip pancakes to drown in my sorrows and it didn’t even taste good.  Only had one…

I have an appointment with my regular doctor to discuss my weight problem and hopefully will get some answers.  Hoping she can give me weight loss pills to help with the hunger that I feel.

I know I have said before I would rather than be fat and sane than skinny and psychotic.  Well today I am sane and fat and feeling like there must be some other answer.  I thought that quitting drinking my calories and watching my intake would yield results but alas didn’t work.

I have been working out every day almost and while it feels good also would have thought it would have caused some weight loss.

Enough about my weight I am bored even typing out these words.

I am fixing up my guest room and now calling it my meditation room.  I bought a cool bedspread and new desk and bookshelf and wall hang.  It is all very zen so hoping to bring more peace in the room I spend most of my time.

Relationships are all solid as are the finances so I have  lot to be grateful for.

My husband’s work changed owners so he will be making more money so going to try to not spend too much although I spent some on my meditation room.  I must be a better steward with our money.

My parents are both doing well.  So happy they are both alive and well for the most part.

I’m just down right now and don’t have any answers  but at least I am not psychotic thanks to the cbd oil I now take.  Seriously it is a game changer!

Well I am off to prep my meditation room for painting.

Hope you are all doing well.  I know this mood will pass but for now I am not smiling and as grateful as I know I should be.  Must avoid the word should!  I am where I am.  Safe.

Pax

Victoria

Tired of the apathy… but there is hope!:)

Dear readers,

Do any of you get tired of being apathetic?  I do.  Lately I have been drinking a little again and I love it when I feel that buzz but don’t like to get drunk.  It’s a hard balance to maintain.  The restaurants with bars either don’t give me the buzz or give me the buzz too much and then I don’t feel safe driving so I sit there and it sucks.  Actually been drinking socially, two drinks, with friends and husband but again too many problems.

I like the way it feels but then it goes away or stays too long.  Can’t smoke weed, tried it and didn’t like the feeling of getting high.

I did have a breakthrough today though.  I finally got a hold of a new life transformation coach who is Buddhist… it took her so long to get back to me because she is on a long retreat.  That makes me feel good that she does things like that, gets away without much cell reception to take care of herself.

I feel like I need a retreat but I miss my home, kids and hubbie, and doggies too much when I go away but I think I will try it.  Going to google retreats when I am done blogging.

My new coach will give me homework and hopefully help me to realize some of the goals I have to be at a better place.  Yoga and meditation are what I want to be doing but for some reason haven’t been doing it.

Tried AA for the drinking but I don’t really know if I am actually an alcoholic because I can stop after a drink or two and I still get a lot done.

I see her or talk to her on the phone on July 10th when she gets back so really looking forward to gleaning some of her wisdom and zen.

Hope everyone is doing well.  Although I am in a rut, my mental health is better than ever except for the drinking.  If you could say a prayer for guidance from above for me that would be great.  And prayers are always returned in full force.

Blessings

Pax

Victoria