How my Schizophrenia is cropping up…

Dear readers,

I decided to write down my dreams as lately they have been very poignant and have some sort of meaning to my life.  Even dreamed recently about a dog that pranced on me when I was walking home from kindergarten.  It was a St. Bernard dog and as I was walking by a fence it was peeking over and saw me so I started to run, well it couldn’t not jump over and chase me down.  I was terrified but all it did was chase me down and jump on me and show me love.  A neighbor came to my rescue and took me home and we had a new friend of the family for life.  That is what really happened to me but in my dream I was at a stoplight and this huge gray dog jumped over me but it brought back memories of that incident that happened when I was five.

Kind of weird really.

And lately things are weird again.  My delusions- that I am special, and that God doesn’t want me to work again are alive and well, or not well whatever way you wish to look at it.

One thing is for sure which I believe is reality is that I am supposed to be with my spouse of 27 years (in January) and that we were truly meant to be together.  Why he puts up with me and my weirdness is beyond me, but he loves me as he shared in therapy and lately to me.  All is well, but let’s see when he finds out how much debt we really have!

I have really made a mess of our finances!  It’s crazy cuz he makes a lot of money but we have a lot of bills.  I am just not good with money for sure.

Anyway, it will be hard for me to ever really let go of these delusions as long as I am not working.  It is such a conundrum, how I received the gift of schizophrenia, which I did not specifically ask for but did as to suffer for God.  Oh how I am not sure if I would pray that prayer again, knowing what I know now, how much my loved ones would have to suffer as well as me.

But God is good and I really believe He does not give us more than we can handle but really this seems to be too much for anyone.

I am still recovering from my gallbladder surgery.  It is slow and painful, but hopefully soon I will be getting back to my walking routine.  As that really helps with everything in great measures.

Have a wonderful Sunday!

Pax

Victoria

I feel so loved…

To all,

I feel so loved these past few days.  As I listen to Jason Mraz’s song When we die which sings about how “you are loved, you are loved, you are loved” I feel deep to my inner core that I am loved as last few weeks I felt so unloved and alone.

Is the devil at work in my frustrations?  Is it my difficult childhood at play?  Is it because my husband has only told me a handful of times that he loves me and the last week we have said it to each other many times?  Is it a combination?

I wonder these things as I realize and recognize that I am loved by my parents, my spouse, my children and future daughter in law and all my friends.

My need to run is still a reaction to this feeling that i am unloved.  I ran away to New York to be a Broadway star (didn’t happen), I ran away to Arizona,  I ran away to the hotel a week and a half ago.

My therapist is making all these wonderful connections and is really doing a great job with me as she connects the dots on my schizophrenia and my need to run.  Why did it take so long to find a therapist who could truly help?  Not sure but grateful now that I am in her care.

My son who is getting married in April is coming over tomorrow with his fiance.  I wish to discuss with him why I kept from him my recent separation and take him up on the offer to stay at his place if I ever need to run again.

I can’t guarantee that I won’;t.  It may be twenty years again or it may be sooner or it may be never.  Only God knows.

My disorder is still cropping up but I am not giving up!

Pax

Victoria

Schizophrenia to me means doing fine until I’m not…

To all,

Today I wish to describe what Schizophrenia looks like for me.  Others please chime in! My inspiration for this blog came today in this cute blog about a dog.

You can check it out here!

I’ll be doing fine, living my life symptom free, enjoying myself immensely in small and big pleasures…

and then the crash, back to the reality of my disorder

All of a sudden I will not be ok, I will be off in too many ways to count and I will not be ok, I will spiral back into delusional thinking, psychotic state and all of a sudden I won’t know what reality is anymore.

Working does this to me, which is why I am on permanent disability.

I am so glad I have learned my lesson.  I have written about this before but the world and in the past my spouse have encouraged me to try to work again.

But try again no more!  I will take care of the house, get back to gardening and live the life I describe in my book, “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It describes the life of one who does not work but still finding fulfillment in small and big pleasures.

Pax

Victoria

Dedicate my suffering for two dear friends today…

To all,

My recovery from gallbladder surgery is slow and painful.  As is my recovery from this latest relapse from Schizophrenia…

So today I dedicate this suffering for two dear friends who are both suffering as well but in different ways.  One has the flu and the other is suffering from a broken heart, her daughter has left the home at a young age and my friend barely hears from her and it is affecting her greatly.

All I have is my prayers for both!  And I know that is enough.  Look at what God has done for me so far with my marriage!  Tomorrow we go to therapy together so he can learn how to support me with my mental disorder.  Going to be interesting for sure!

And just last week I thought my marriage was over.  But The Divine had other plans and I am just so grateful to Him who made heaven and earth.  My husband has been really sensitive to my mental and physical needs since the separation and surgery.  Weird how I need help in both areas right now.

Last night he helped me make a healthy dinner and asked me about how I was doing and if my visit with my mom (she came over) had stressed me out.  It didn’t I was happy to report and so grateful that he is getting it into his brain that there are just things that do stress me out.  We have a party this weekend and I am hoping he will understand that when I am done, I am done as I don’t do well in large gatherings, especially when I know very few people.  One on one I am much better.

So holding my heart for my two dear friends and also for my readers.  Thank you for the support and for following my blogs.  Still trying to figure out why the day I shared with my husband that I had a blog since 2013, I got 1700 hits on my book page.  My bad though as it didn’t even have a link to my book but it does now so we shall see.  We are in a bad way financially so if I sold some books that would be great!

Have a great day and may God bless each and every one of you today and every day!

Pax

Victoria

Miracle continues…

To all,

I am recovering nicely from my unexpected gallbladder surgery and have so much support right now that it is just so awesome!

I am grateful for many things but the stress of not being in charge of our finances right now is the biggest relief to my schizophrenia.  My husband made a huge deposit last night and things are really working out better now since our separation last week…

I am also grateful to my awesome children and future daughter in law.  I am actually going to lunch with my future daughter in law today just to hang out.  We have tried 3 times unsuccessfully to go to lunch but it hasn’t worked out.  So I told her the other day that we should just plan to go after the wedding and she was like no, I want to go before.  I am so blessed!  She is also going to help me out and drive me to run a couple of quick errands because I don’t have  a car right now.  What a blessing!

My daughter, who used to be my emotional caregiver until about two months ago is taking the back burner even in my recovery from this surgery.  My husband and youngest son have stepped up to the plate to help more whereas before it would be all on my daughter.  This is great news!  We are still figuring things out, but I am finally getting to be her mother as our roles are reversing and it feels great.  She is struggling with much but in therapy now so it is great to see her grow and find out who she is.  I am helping her too.

God is so good!

Hope everyone has a great day!  It’s funny because now that things have calmed down, I am feeling stronger every day mentally and physically and I will take this reprieve from suffering as long as God sees fit.  It has been a tough year but I have a new expression I learned from one of my caring nurses while in the hospital.

“From here on out” things will be better.

Looking forward to my 27 year marriage anniversary in January.  Who knows maybe we will even get away?

Bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Living a secret life no more

Dear readers,

Praise be to God and the intercession of St. Joseph for my marriage working out.  Words cannot express my gratefulness to the Creator of me and my husband for helping us along this schizophrenic journey.

Another favorite musician I have is Keith Urban and this morning I am listening to Parallel Line which is where my marriage is at currently which is simply wonderful!  Baby be mine now, baby be mine now!

There are many signs that I am to remain with my husband, I shall share a few~

  • The day I told my husband about my secret blog since 2013 my book page, “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all” received over 1,700 views!  Up till now it has received like none.  Don’t know if I sold any but it doesn’t matter as it is a strong sign that I was supposed to share more with him about my secret life and no longer suffer on my own.

You can buy my book here- Book for sale

  • After ten years of being diagnosed he is finally taking over the finances which he promised to do when I was diagnosed!  What a huge relief as I have made a poor mess of our finances.  What a blessing!
  • He is researching Schizophrenia online since my decision I shared with him that I was going to leave him.  And quite frankly I think it really scared him.
  • He has offered to come to therapy with me and learn how to support my disorder more!
  • He is searching support groups for loved ones with mental disorders and will probably go with my adult daughter!

I also learned during my 3 day separation that I really don’t want to be on my own.  I need him in more ways than one and I am so grateful he still wants to be with me too!  I missed him so much and he spent the night the last night I was there at the hotel and it was great.  We watched movies, relaxed, and had a little marital fun.  We are now connected at a much deeper level than ever before and I know it is God’s will for me to remain in this marriage for life.  We will be celebrating our 27th wedding anniversary on January 8.  What an accomplishment, only by the grace of God.

Thank you Jesus, you are my best friend but You also gave me a best friend on earth and that is my husband.  Bless you God!  I am eternally grateful.

Pax

Victoria

 

I got my miracle, husband is coming to therapy to try to understand my disorder, his idea!

Well it has been a hard year, month, and week!

My husband has decided to get more involved in my mental health and is coming to therapy Saturday to find out how he can support me better.

It has been ten years of me dealing with this on my own so it’s kind of weird to have him involved!

Actually told him about this blog I’ve maintained since 2013.

Now the hard part is my therapist wants me to come up with some expectations for therapy. I asked my daughter to help which I am sure she will, cuz I really don’t know what exactly I need from him.

But for starters he is taking over the finances! Wow! That’s awesome! Cuz I’ve really made a mess of things.

I haven’t been in a good place since quitting my job so we shall see.

He and my daughter are even going to go to a support group for loved ones with a mental disorder. Wow!

God does not disappoint!

I really thought my marriage was over but I learned being away from him go three days that I really need his support and that I don’t want to be on my own anymore dealing with things by myself all the time!

Thank you God for answering my prayers for my marriage to survive! Best to all of you!

Pax

Victoria

Can my marriage survive?

Dear readers

I have made the hefty decision to leave my husband-

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he agreed it might be a wise move since I am so terribly unhappy and my husband didn’t even ask how the appointment went…

Much to think about but started the separation of our money yesterday.

Praying to God of the universe and St Joseph for a miracle otherwise I am out of here after my college son has finals in two weeks.

I see my therapist today, much to process but this is what I need from him to stay in this marriage-

To see a doctor for his untreated sleep apnea as he is tired and irritable all the time due to interrupted sleep

To try to understand my disorder and why I can’t work

To take a look at our debt and help me out with it

To do things together besides sex and eating out

To stop drinking so much

To be less critical of me And try to understand that my disorder causes me to have lack of motivation much of the time

These are the basics but the nutshell of why I am so unhappy.

I have seen miracles before when I ask for the intercession of St Joseph in a novena so really hope he comes through otherwise it’s over after almost 27 years of marriage!!!

We shall see! Kids know nothing of my decision so please pray to God with me!!!

Bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Some days are just going to be hard, others easy…

Dear readers,

To me it isn’t about mindset, it’s mental state and there is a subtle difference.

Yesterday was hard and I have an idea why, but I got through it and at the end of the day it was a good day.  Skipped dessert at Thanksgiving and glad for that because sugar does not help me when I am struggling.

Today has been a more productive day because I was forced to get up and get going and I have accomplished much but why is it I only feel good about myself when I get things done? Probably because the days I don’t get much done are days when my mental state is not good and when I am forced by situations things seem to go much better.

I can have the mindset that I’m going to be productive that day but lay around in my jammies and sit at the computer and just veg.  That is not healthy and does not do good for my overall mental health.

Yesterday, I took a nap at 11, probably because I ate like crap the night before and also in the am.  When I eat like crap, I feel like crap and I gain more weight.  I am the heaviest right now than I have ever been except when I was pregnant but have no motivation to do anything about it.  So I should learn from this but my medicine, as it has been explained to me, causes me to crave unhealthy food, but when I get in the right pattern of eating more fruits and veggies, protein, less sugar and fiber I feel great.  It’s the getting there that is hard, to care…

What we feed our bodies and souls has a great effect on our mental state.  I am on the way to the store right now and plan to load up with healthy food I can cook at home and oh yeah for some brownie mix my son requested.  I know I’ll eat some but if I eat the healthy stuff first, I won’t feel terrible.

The same is true for what I feed my brain in the way of reading uplifting books, blogs and articles.  It is one of the reasons why I stay off Facebook because there isn’t much mental stimulation on there although I have found one group on psychology, sociology, philosophy and religion that sometimes has stimulating conversation.

The main thing about having this disorder is that I keep myself engaged with what I love, to learn, read and write.  Today I wrote my first of three articles on sociology of the family that my daughter is going to edit.  It was the first time I have been able to write since my relapse of schizophrenia.  I think it is pretty good but my daughter I know will be honest with me without hurting my feelings.  I just want to share everything I have learned about raising children pre-diagnosis and post.  I have made many mistakes and in hindsight it is all clear but I’m human and nobody said it would be easy or this hard…

Pax

Victoria

Stigmatization to its fullest… and victory speaking up for myself at last!

Dear readers,

So I did it!  I confronted my mom on stigmatizing me. and I am finally clear and am immediately blogging about it.

Just to give a little background in case this is the first time visiting my blog, and if you are new feel free to skip this part…

I began a new job this year teaching sociology 101 after being off work for over a year.  I earned my bachelor’s in sociology and master’s in psychology (2012) post diagnosis from schizoaffective disorder (diagnosed in 2008). I tried working in the mental health field and lasted at two jobs for five years successfully until stress from each job led me to quitting the mental health field forever.  I am receiving permanent disability and teaching was such low pay it did not affect my benefits.

So when I decided to try to teach I decided I wanted to teach sociology rather than psychology and a job came available and was wonderful until once again stress to a great degree (two students verbally assaulting each other while I stepped out with no precursor for this altercation).  The school dealt with it poorly so I resigned, another failure, but in a way a great success because teaching sociology reignited my passion for this subject and I know now I am going to do research and write about it as there is so much that interests me!  Maybe even one day when I can actually pay for it I can become a sociologist!

Well, I was fine up until this altercation but after about two weeks during which I didn’t speak much to my mom, as she stresses me out too, I had a relapse of the schizophrenia.  During the last two months I did a few things she did not agree with but she is the only one who disagreed with these decisions.  The rest of my family understood and didn’t blame it on my schizophrenia.

Well, the other day, after not talking to her for over a week I let her know that I had had a relapse of my schizophrenia and finally told her I resigned my job and she immediately says oh my I knew it, there were so many red flags.  I shut her down and didn’t listen to her because I hadn’t even been talking to her so I knew she was off and just going to stigmatize me.

Today I had a great session with my new therapist which I will blog about later but basically she is connecting my past with my present and doing a fine job asking me relevant questions and even normalizing some of my delusions.  So I was supposed to meet my mom for church on Sunday but I was involved with family and not feeling up to it but I didn’t even call her which was wrong of me but after this session today I felt up to talking to her so I called her about 15 minutes ago to apologize and let her know that I am just not up to church and although I would never tell her I don’t want to  even spend time with her right now.

So I called her and apologized and immediately she starts telling me that she has been researching schizophrenia and that some of the symptoms are poor judgement and once again she says there were red flags.  So I had decided I would let her tell me what red flags she was talking about and of course it was those two decisions that she disagreed with which were prior to the altercation, way before my relapse back into a somewhat psychotic state.

I interrupted her kindly but somewhat forcefully and told her what I just wrote and told her to look up stigmatization because she stigmatizes me when she doesn’t agree with my decisions, where other people agree with them, even my husband.  I told her that my daughter, husband and my close friends don’t stigmatize me but that she does.  Then I told her I loved her and that I was going to hang up.  She said she loved me too and that she would look it up.

It was stressful but I feel empowered.  She may still stigmatize me but it hurts and so I am going to take a hot bath and relax and try to think about something else.  Kind of sorry I had a late cup of java ha ha.  as I just want to go to bed but it is what it is.

So to all you loved ones you may not be like my mom and stigmatize the way she does but please remember we are people first and foremost and sometimes we are going to make decisions that you don’t agree with.  This does not mean it is our schizophrenia returning!!!!!  Love, them, know you may never understand them fully and let them make mistakes but don’t blame everything that goes wrong on the schizophrenia please.

There I am done.  Long day for sure.  Things are not always easy having this disorder but I feel like I am coming out of the fog and returning to myself which feels great.  Not ready to do heavy research or writing yet but who knows what tomorrow will bring with a new day and a good night’s sleep!

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria