So I did it! I confronted my mom on stigmatizing me. and I am finally clear and am immediately blogging about it.
Just to give a little background in case this is the first time visiting my blog, and if you are new feel free to skip this part…
I began a new job this year teaching sociology 101 after being off work for over a year. I earned my bachelor’s in sociology and master’s in psychology (2012) post diagnosis from schizoaffective disorder (diagnosed in 2008). I tried working in the mental health field and lasted at two jobs for five years successfully until stress from each job led me to quitting the mental health field forever. I am receiving permanent disability and teaching was such low pay it did not affect my benefits.
So when I decided to try to teach I decided I wanted to teach sociology rather than psychology and a job came available and was wonderful until once again stress to a great degree (two students verbally assaulting each other while I stepped out with no precursor for this altercation). The school dealt with it poorly so I resigned, another failure, but in a way a great success because teaching sociology reignited my passion for this subject and I know now I am going to do research and write about it as there is so much that interests me! Maybe even one day when I can actually pay for it I can become a sociologist!
Well, I was fine up until this altercation but after about two weeks during which I didn’t speak much to my mom, as she stresses me out too, I had a relapse of the schizophrenia. During the last two months I did a few things she did not agree with but she is the only one who disagreed with these decisions. The rest of my family understood and didn’t blame it on my schizophrenia.
Well, the other day, after not talking to her for over a week I let her know that I had had a relapse of my schizophrenia and finally told her I resigned my job and she immediately says oh my I knew it, there were so many red flags. I shut her down and didn’t listen to her because I hadn’t even been talking to her so I knew she was off and just going to stigmatize me.
Today I had a great session with my new therapist which I will blog about later but basically she is connecting my past with my present and doing a fine job asking me relevant questions and even normalizing some of my delusions. So I was supposed to meet my mom for church on Sunday but I was involved with family and not feeling up to it but I didn’t even call her which was wrong of me but after this session today I felt up to talking to her so I called her about 15 minutes ago to apologize and let her know that I am just not up to church and although I would never tell her I don’t want to even spend time with her right now.
So I called her and apologized and immediately she starts telling me that she has been researching schizophrenia and that some of the symptoms are poor judgement and once again she says there were red flags. So I had decided I would let her tell me what red flags she was talking about and of course it was those two decisions that she disagreed with which were prior to the altercation, way before my relapse back into a somewhat psychotic state.
I interrupted her kindly but somewhat forcefully and told her what I just wrote and told her to look up stigmatization because she stigmatizes me when she doesn’t agree with my decisions, where other people agree with them, even my husband. I told her that my daughter, husband and my close friends don’t stigmatize me but that she does. Then I told her I loved her and that I was going to hang up. She said she loved me too and that she would look it up.
It was stressful but I feel empowered. She may still stigmatize me but it hurts and so I am going to take a hot bath and relax and try to think about something else. Kind of sorry I had a late cup of java ha ha. as I just want to go to bed but it is what it is.
So to all you loved ones you may not be like my mom and stigmatize the way she does but please remember we are people first and foremost and sometimes we are going to make decisions that you don’t agree with. This does not mean it is our schizophrenia returning!!!!! Love, them, know you may never understand them fully and let them make mistakes but don’t blame everything that goes wrong on the schizophrenia please.
There I am done. Long day for sure. Things are not always easy having this disorder but I feel like I am coming out of the fog and returning to myself which feels great. Not ready to do heavy research or writing yet but who knows what tomorrow will bring with a new day and a good night’s sleep!
God bless you all!