Not giving up! But not where I want to be…

Dear readers,

Wow!  I feel like I have been doing so well lately that when a hard day or two hits I am like, “What the F?”  Sorry but it’s hard having this disorder and sometimes words really say it all.

I relapsed on alcohol but got right back on track and have been back at meetings.  I reinjured my bursa (hip) and am getting a shot today for the pain.  I haven’t been able to walk much due to physical limitations (I really feel my age these days) but then I look at people older than me and I am like I’m falling apart.  Yesterday at the beach I saw this older woman in a skirt who was building a circle with stones or shells (couldn’t quite see) and i was like dang I hope that’s me one day ha ha.

And then there is the mental.  As I have shared before my parents are both still alive but frail in many ways.  I have been spending a lot of time with them lately and it is all good but it is hard on me mentally to not have them like when I was younger.  I miss going to coffee with my dad and taking long walks with my mom.

Been fighting negativity as hard as I can and winning for the most part.  Life can be great or life can be blah.  Must find an in between state of just contentment.  I have some good friends which is great and I even occasionally make some new ones yet I spend a lot lot of time alone.  Not sure what I prefer really.

My ideal life would be one where I did my yoga practice faithfully and meditated more often.  Do no harm is my mantra and I regret my past offenses against nature.  Death even for a small creature is hard and I must appreciate all life that God gives.  It may seem silly but even an insect has life and must be valued no matter how small.  I still kill gnats and flies and don’t always feel bad about that.

Living in the moment is my goal and to appreciate every day I am alive.  Letting go of thoughts that do not make me strong and being grateful for everything.  The mundane, the awesome, the blah.

In pain right now with my hip so hard to appreciate life right now.

Hope and pray all is well with all of you:)

Pax

Victoria

All that matters…

Dear readers,

I am afraid at times, when I fall, when I give in, when I want to give up!

More than surviving these days, but the last two days have been sick and failing at some things and other things doing really well at.

To be called a Schizophrenia survivor means so much!  I have a life beyond my dreams.  And even though I am not currently doing all the things that need to get done I know that all that matters is that I trust in God.  Completely, freely and wholeheartedly.

Temptations are all around and too often I give in.  Won’t share precisely what I am talking about but it all has to do with honesty.  I hide things.  We all do I suppose but been thinking about this a lot lately.  I wish i could be honest in all my affairs…

Just now ordered some dressy yoga pants, three pairs.  Wow!  And won’t tell the hubby.  That is just one thing.

All I have is God to rely on and I surely do or I would just fall apart and I know i would give up without God directing my life.

Pax

Victoria

In the spirit of Mental Health Awareness month…what would it be like if…

Dear readers,

If it didn’t exist?  If the world was all mentally fit?  If mental disorders didn’t exist?

Boring!  Like my mundane life right now.  I’m not always bored to say the least but without all the constant drama between psychotic episodes, deep depressions, severe anxiety and OCD it is nice to be bored at times:)

Oh I miss the excitement my disorder used to bring me in a sick sort of way.

I mean when God speaks one listens.  It’s pretty hard not to really.  But I will take the silence.

Many hear voices that are negative and mean but with the rare exception my voices were all positive although urgent and demanding at times.  But what I believed to be God wasn’t true.

The medicine keeps the voices away and the CBD oil keeps the delusions at bay along with medication.  I know i will need meds my entire life.  I have tried going off of them with only suicidal thoughts to follow.

I accept my disorder and pray it doesn’t rear up again its ugly head.  Because I will take the quiet, the mundane, the almost boring.

My relationshiips are all solid.  My marriage never better.  My kids make me proud and today I got to baby my granddoggie.  Can’t wait for the real thing though (grandkids!).

Learning about my disorder was the smartest thing i ever did.  If you are newly diagnosed with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder, do some research and learn about ways that therapy, supplements and healthy living can all help you to get to a better place.

Pax

Victoria

A lighter kind of post with a kick…

Dear readers,

In the six years of blogging about my ups and downs I have sure shared some very personal and hard posts along with some successes.  Now that I am doing so well I don’t have those kind of posts to share anymore.  Life is not full of drama and psychotic state of mind.  It is awesome really and I will take this period of quiet for what it is worth, everything.

But I miss blogging and writing so today I am going to focus on all the good in my life and boy there is a lot!

My days are spent with my dogs, especially Butter who I have given a new nickname, Baby Butterfall, spending lots of time around waterfalls so I love when I have a new name for her.

Dog is God spelled backwards.  Do you think this is a mistake?  I think God loves dogs as they bring so much happiness to their owners and the people that they encounter!  I have been going to the beach a lot since getting back from Hawaii and there always is some cute dog to pet and love and talk with the owners for a bit on my merry way.

My dog Butter is so content with life as am I right now.  Right now she has her rawhide and is happily chewing on it until I get around to feeding her her breakfast.  She loves to be pet especially at night before I put her away in her kennel.  She makes piggy noises when I pet her and talk to her cute.  She provides so much emotional support…

I also have been spending a lot of time with the newlyweds.  We have so much going on and i love how we have so many plans to do things.  Mother’s Day this Sunday, trip to La following week visiting her family and mine but oh yeah I forgot we are all family now!

The garden is coming along nicely although it is slow.  I spend a half an hour out there several days a week and I love it!

But what I love the most is knowing Jesus in an unextraordinary way.  I speak to Him often and Mary and implore God to answer all my prayers.  God does not speak to me anymore and I like it like that!  Haven’t heard voices for a while and I like the quiet.

I’ve been taking better care of my physical appearance and might even share a pic one of these days.  Walking a lot or a little depending on the weather.  I like to walk with my daughter or a friend and just talk and talk.

Life is certainly not boring.  It is amazing and I am so happy these days for the reasons above and more…

If you are not at a good place I ask you if you know the Lord?  He wants to know you and all you have to do is ask Jesus into your heart and wonderful things will follow!  The Holy Spirit is active around the globe and my life has never been better.

God bless,

pax

Victoria

I still feel but it is diminished…

Dear readers,

Pretty even keel these days.  But got some sad news this weekend about my sister in law.  She has a brain tumor but it is operable and scheduled for end of May.  Pretty sad and scared as she has such a full life, many grandchildren and great kids.  My husband was the one who said we need to go see her before her surgery.  So we are going.  I am glad for his initiative because I didn’t even think about going on my own.

She was very happy to hear we are coming, me, my hubbie and the newlyweds!  Although I am very sad I feel like I should be feeling more than just sad.  The fact that I want to feel more is a good thing though because at least I can recognize this lack of sympathy for her and all the family.

The operation is supposed to have good statistics for recovery.  But here I am obsessing about how I look these days when her life hangs in the balance.  Brain surgery is no walk in the park and i just want her to know that I am there for her.

She is a believer so her faith in God is not shaken, rather it is increased.  This has not always been the case.  Her parents raised her without any religious instruction so imagine how happy I was when she accepted Christ into her life and began a Christian life.

God is good.  Still no complaints.

Been spending a lot of time with my folks.  Pretty much every other day average I take my mom to see my dad who is not doing so well.  I appreciate every moment I get to spend with them and feel good about my habit to get them together.

Haven’t felt like walking or gardening lately but have been doing a little bit of both anyway because I know it is necessary.

Pray all of you are well!

Pax

Victoria

Suffering no longer, at peace with self and God…

Dear readers,

I pray you are all well…

I have been on a streak of good days, enjoying time with the hubbie and kids and dogs (Butter is still my favorite pup though).  Time at the beach, time in the garden, time to relax, time to clean and organize.

Do you see a theme here?  I do.  I am no longer suffering and will take it.

I am living my life symptom free.

Oh I take my meds!  Faithfully.  Along with supplements, cbd oil mainly, therapy, good reading and making time for prayer.  Even have snuck in some yoga and meditation.  And walking again.  4 miles today:) and at the beach!

God is good.  I have no complaints.

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Happy Mental Health Awareness Month!

Dear readers,

Been a little while since I blogged but been very busy and hurt my wrist so trying not to use it too much.

Been doing pretty good for the most part, nothing too unusual to report which is great news.

So I would like to take a moment to recognize all of you faithful followers and this month that we celebrate.  To those of you who suffer from Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD or the like I wish to encourage you to embrace your life as it is and if you aren’t in a good place to get the help that you need!  Be it in the form of therapy, a new psychiatrist because the one you have just doesn’t get you or establishing new routines to help with whatever ailment or all of the above like me.

I have begun gardening every day and also meditating.  This really helps my anxiety a lot!  Nothing like a garden full of flowers to take care of in my Mary garden which is very apropo because this is also the month of Mary!  Meditating for at least ten minutes a day is my goal and I like to lie down to do so.  Headspace has some free guided meditations to learn how to do it but I am sure there are many other ones as well.

Once my wrist fully heals will also be getting back into the practice of yoga.

Do I see a theme here? Staying away from negativity and reaching for habits that help me and don’t hurt me!  It does make a huge difference in my outlook on life.

And I will add on a final note that although I am doing fine today it has been a rough week but I will not write about it because it is much of the same I have written about before.

I choose to focus on the good in my life and will be blogging again soon to highlight so much in that regard!

Blessings,

Pax

Victoria

Suffering still but grateful not hearing voices still…

It’s been 13 years of being afflicted with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder tonight.

When I was little crying was my pasttime.  Crying because things weren’t fair; crying because sadness overwhelmed me.  Now it is known that those times were a precursor to my disorders.

I can’t hide anymore, no I must be honest that I am still suffering but in the midst of this suffering I found someone else who had been afflicted longer than me and she still hears voices.

I am so grateful that I no longer hear voices and thanks to CBD oil my delusions are fading to a great degree.

But the depression still gets to me at times.  But even in that I am grateful because I am not as bad as many other people who are suffering from deep depression or who are undiagnosed and just so unhappy and don’t know why.

Depression, psychosis, voices, delusions are all a part of Schizoaffective Disorder and if you have any of these symptoms all I can say is to check it out.

Fight for the best care; fight to get answers; fight for your life and don’t give up no I will say it again never give up.  You are good enough, strong enough even if it means asking for help.

I’ve been there on the receiving end and am now on the giving end and although I am grateful that I am much much better these days I am here if anyone want to say hello or lean on me for support.

Pax

Victoria

Aloha!

Dear readers,

I’m back from Hawaii and the vacation and wedding were unbelievable…

Aloha is the greeting for Hawaiians and good bye too.  It means love and connection and we did all of that as a family in Hawaii.

It was as if I wasn’t even disordered for the majority of the trip.  I am going to try (and already have) to carry the aloha spirit with me here in California.  I went to the beach yesterday and wore my Hawaiian flower and played Hawaiian music the whole day.  I hung out with a dear friend and her doggie who is so sweet.

The last day of the trip I suffered a little knowing I had to leave paradise but the flight home was spiritual and wonderful!

God revealed His will for me through one of His saint’s books that I read on the plane but I’m going to keep it to myself for now.

The delusions are still gone for the most part but God touched down in Hawaii with the most wonderful wedding day and I love my new daughter in law.  She now calls me suegra which means mother in law in Spanish.

My days are filled with no regret.

Although I know I will suffer again because of this disorder it was nice to have this break.  I’m going to smile more and am smiling right now.

In Hawaii there are always an abundance of rainbows!  They are God’s promise to us that it will stop raining.  How wonderful and beautiful they are.

The ocean, the rainbows and more kept me in such a happy state.

Praying for all of my readers to be encouraged that God loves you all very much.  In nature I see His hand and in His people as well.  Even if you can never go to Hawaii or see the ocean you can admire God’s handiwork in all that He has created, whether it is in the snow, forest or desert.  The sun, the sky, the rain and more all show of God’s goodness.  And when the weather isn’t nice it can lead us to appreciating better days.

The good always passes although I am clinging to it right now.  And the bad always passes as well.  Acceptance is the key to my serenity of my situation whether it be good or bad or in between.

Praise God for nature!

Pax

Victoria

I have it now…

Dear readers,

I have peace, motivation, and productivity now.

My support system is in place and so much good going on.

But that may all change tomorrow lol

Will take it when I have it, so grateful that today, which started out with strange dreams, is coming to pass to be a very good productive day.

I do want heaven one day but for now I feel I have heaven on earth.

I have people in my life who love and support me and remind me to get off my butt and do things, which almost always helps.

Today my husband as he was leaving to work at 7 reminded me to do things in a way that he took notice of my activity which as of late has been ok but not great.  He reminded me to garden, which I did and not to just sit around all day watching my shows.  I do do that but do get some stuff done.  Well today my list of accomplishments is mile high and I feel really good about that.

Yesterday and the day before I was at a lost for what to do which sucked because I have this amazing vacation coming up and I am sure I could have been more productive but was not.  Ah well, can’t get those days back.

I am either hot or cold lately.  The other day I did a 5K in 68 minutes and was wiped out for a couple of days.  Ever since my surgeries haven’t been able to do three miles consistently.  But I did three miles+ with just one five minute break in between.

I do wish I was this motivated every day but know that is not possible with this disorder.  Now that my husband sees that I cannot work due to the stress involved I see myself not having any more relapses.  I’ve been pretty stress free and know how to keep my stress at bay.

CBD oil by GoTerpy helps with my anxiety and delusions along with my anti-anxiety meds.  But taking very little of that too lately because I know my triggers and can control them for the most part!

Will be gone a week in Hawaii starting Saturday so enjoy the break from my ramblings and take it easy too!

Aloha!

Pax

Victoria