My husband knows very little about my disorder and that is an understatement. He doesn’t even believe in mental illness which is a part of his culture and upbringing. This is unfortunate at some levels because he doesn’t understand why I do some of the things that I do, from lack of interest in life to side effects of medications.
But he is committed to me, as am I to him, and some how we seem to have made it work for almost 27 years now, with the past ten being diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder.
The good news is that the positive symptoms (hearing voices and seeing things that aren’t there) are gone, but the negative symptoms are where we often don’t see eye to eye.
He is off work this week and next and yesterday we had an argument (we never argue anymore hardly) and in front of our adult children he criticized me for not doing much. I actually had, just not when he was around, and I fought back defending myself for once and my adult daughter interrupted us and made me go outside to the car (we were on our way out anyway) to take a break.
We went to dinner at my sister’s and I was so angry the whole time but I got to play with a grandnephew so that was cool and the food and people were family so it was a good time. But it made me realize what an opinionated person he can be as he was describing a work situation (he and my sister are in the same business, flooring). Maybe it was because I was angry with him but I just really didn’t care for his racial slurs and lack of sympathy for one culture in particular.
We left and didn’t speak and he went outside to his garage or estate as he calls it (it holds 8 cars, wait now ten as he raised the roof last week). He was with a friend and drinking his beer and I was inside still steaming. I sent him a text saying “things are not good with us, I am very angry with you”. And then I turned off my phone and went and took a bath, praying to get over it but I was just so angry as I actually had a very productive day. I have been making lists and crossing off all I accomplish and I had quite the list with things crossed off that I was proud of because since my relapse, which he knows little if anything about, I have not been as productive as I was as yesterday.
I took my bath and after he came in acting as if everything was ok. Well to be honest I was looking up apartments to rent online. I knew I was overreacting, so I finally checked my phone and he responded that he was sorry which is huge for him. Well I didn’t email any rentals and took some space sleeping in the guest room and when he woke up late (I woke up at 7), I brought him coffee and we talked a little and he actually said I was acting weird. He didn’t elaborate but it hurt and then today he has been outside all day working in his estate with lots of beer and friends coming by.
I don’t know what the point of this blog is. We have made it through so much but there is so much he doesn’t know about me and I really wish I could talk to him as I share on here my ups and downs, but I know for a fact that he just wouldn’t get it, just be more confused.
He has pushed me to work our whole married life together but now that I am finally on permanent disability he seems to be content with me just receiving my monthly check and helping with some of his work and car paperwork, keep up the house and maybe one day soon I will get back to gardening.
The truth is I am not sure I want to stay married to him like this. He admitted to me that he is an auto-alcoholic and we don’t have much in common really, except sex when it happens and eating which I need to stop indulging. Might suggest therapy to him but we did that once and although it helped us stay together, I didn’t enjoy it because the therapist took his side for the most part but helped us to get along better so that was a good thing. We don’t fight because I just go along with him and try to please him, but I do hide things from him. It is my survival mode but what kind of marriage is that?
We’ll see what this week brings with him being off.
Today was an ok day, resting and relaxing because it’s Sunday but didn’t go anywhere even to see my dad, because lately that just makes me sad.
I see my pdoc tomorrow and then my therapist on Tuesday so looking forward to processing some of this stuff with them as that really does help!
Have a great week!