Vacillating on doing interview or not…

Dear readers,

I am torn right now between doing the SAMSHA video or not for several reasons..

I think it is an amazing opportunity to help spread awareness but at the same time putting my face out there for Youtube and other digital outlets may not be the best thing for my marriage. My husband has asked me to not ever speak about my disorder but to remain anonymous.

This blog and my book is under a pen name and it is a safe place I can express myself fully without judgement.

But putting my story out there in this fashion might not be the best decision.

And also going through my story again is very hard and there are so many aspects of my disorder which I do not understand and that are impossible to explain. Am I the best face or person to represent the mentally disordered population really?

I am planning to discuss this with my husband prior to the interview next week. I was just going to do it but my marriage is fragile at times and I don’t want to do something that goes against his wishes. I believe God can speak through him but I already know what his answer will be, to not do it.

I haven’t even been chosen yet but why waste their time doing to selection of the spokesperson if my husband is not agreeable?

The other day my husband expressed to me that he did not want to add on to the house with our inheritance money because he isn’t sure if I’m going to have another episode and leave him. This is the harsh reality of my marriage. I cannot guarantee that I won’t but hope that God will continue to heal our marriage and help him not to feel that way.

I am doing better these days on the new anti-depressant meds but still haven’t gotten out to garden yet. It is enough right now to just keep up with the house and paperwork, keeping track of his 25+cars and the taxes and bills. He promised to take over the bills but hasn’t and isn’t going to. But he is giving me more money now so that makes doing the bills much easier.

I feel like I am walking the tightrope with this decision.

As usual prayers are appreciated and if anyone has any comments on this major decision they are welcomed.

Have a great Sunday,

Pax

Victoria

Why do people stigmatize?

Dear readers,

Allow me to qualify. I am an excellent student but can’t work which I accept now that stress causes me to have a relapse of my Schizophrenia. But school I was able to manage,even going on to earn my Master’s in Psychology in 2012 post diagnosis. So I understand much about how people think due to my education and also with the gift I have of being able to read people. Also my personal experience with being stigmatized in the workplace along with other people in my life for the last eleven years.

My beliefs are just that and while I may be unable to exactly pinpoint the exact reason why people stigmatize people with Schizophrenia I feel like I have a pretty good idea.

It is lack of education or if I were angry about would say ignorance. But I am no longer angry at my sister but feel she will never understand and always think that I am mentally ill rather than being disordered.

People are the way they are and many people are not open to new ideas but hold onto old ones including many hot topics such as homosexuality, global warming, mental disorders, politics and the like. They often are not open to understanding other people’s points of views mainly due to fear of what they do not understand. This is especially true to the mentally disordered population.

This fear that they have is caused by lack of understanding and sometimes pity. I may have a broken mind and at different times it manifests itself in different ways. But I am not sick. My thinking is still delusional at times but these delusions are easily ignored now that I am on medication. But many people won’t take their medication because that is one of the difficulties of being disordered is that once they start feeling better they stop taking their medication. Not me. I know I will need to be on medicine the rest of my life so no lack of judgement on my part on that matter. I am also continuing to learn what I can and cannot do with a mental disorder.

So back to my original question~ why do people stigmatize and how can it be prevented? Lack of education is key, blame is another reason and out of it just being easier to blame our judgement on many things on our disorder rather than just because people make decisions that they don’t agree with.

It is hard for us to speak out against preventing stigmatizing because of our disorder but I hope to shed some light on this if I am picked by SAMSHA to do the interview.

Bottom line is this: people will possibly always continue to stigmatize us so we must always be proactive in our mental health care. That means seeing our psychiatrist on a regular basis, going to therapy to process our disorder and taking our medication faithfully. And if one medication doesn’t work or causes uncomfortable side effects to keep trying to get on the right cocktail combination. By taking care of our own mental health care is the first step in improving this situation. And active learning of our mental health disorders on their part is how this bridge gap can come together.

If you are mentally disordered and not doing well, get the help you need; keep fighting for yourself and others. This video is the first step towards fighting stigmatization for me. I promise to do my best if selected and in the meantime try through my blog to educate others as best I can. I do not have all the answers obviously but the conversation has begun. This blog was the hardest to write for me.. just saying.

More questions from the interview tomorrow as promised.

For now take care and know you have the choice right now, right here to improve your mental health.

Pax

Victoria

New inspiration after short break…


I know I said I was taking a break from blogging but my plan was partly due to the fact that when I blog I get stuck in my dungeon and just sit half or more of the more of the day at the computer. I tried yesterday to break up my routine by not being on the computer at all till the end of the day. But in the morning all I did was sit on the sofa anyway so I’m back and have a new direction for my next several blogs which is another reason why I wanted to take a little break because with all that is going on with my mom I feel like I am just on the pity pot. Also having much difficulties with my sister who is not acting very nicely right now but she is there for my mom so that’s great and I will try to focus on that instead of the bitterness I feel towards her in my heart… which I know as a Christian is not an ideal state of mind. Your prayers are appreciated…

So, I got an interesting offer be considered to do a video interview through SAMHSA, which came through my old blog which does still get views and I see a few new followers.  The video if I am selected will be on their website, and on some social media outlets like Youtube as a commercial before the songs play. How cool is that! I hadn’t realized my old blog was still getting views so will be blogging on there at least every month to catch any new followers that may not know about my new site. Anyway this offer from SAMHSA sent me a list of interview questions which I will be blogging about these thought provoking questions as topics for my blogs. Excited to share more in the upcoming weeks…

This blog is answering one of the interview questions in the selection process (they are interviewing several people and honestly I just want the one with the most hope to be picked even if that is not me) and I will be answering at least one every time I blog on here.  I want to reach as many people as possible that there is hope for those who suffer from a serious mental disorder as I do or their loved ones or any new projects that may come my way via this blog or the old one.

I am pretty excited about my trip to Boston end of this month and will see how I can bring my blog to the next level and spread the message of hope that I share through my ups and downs of living with a mental health disorder.  Life is not easy for sure and some days I stay in my jammies all day or until noon more frequently as the medicine I take makes me groggy in the am.

So… the first question that I would like to answer is “What would you like people to know about you?”.  The answer is simple but complex like many of life’s oxymoron’s.   I wake up each day not knowing what my mood will be and what I will accomplish as that is my measure of how I am doing.  I’m not always talking about crossing off a list of to do’s; no I am also talking about making connections with my family, friends and anyone who God puts in my path that I am meant to interact with.

I would say I am pretty successful most days in fact every day because even when I don’t feel like it I get stuff done (my biggest challenge is the dishes ha ha) and  always connect with people whether it is though my blog or my family and more.  I have found a new cafe where most of the workers are autistic and every time I go there and get a hug from Deano I am happy connect.  I have wanted a place I can go to be me and although I go there by myself I make connections with all the staff and sometimes the other customers.  I have always wanted a place I can go to where they know my name like in Cheers and I think I have found my favorite hangout place.  I have been going there for a few weeks now but have wanted to go there for many years.  A big step but one I am glad I took.

That is just a little bit about me.  There is much more but will share more as I have time and feel free to comment or share with me via email something you would like people to know about you at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

Still not giving up or in…

Dear readers old and new,

Found the blog that I thought got away. This was yesterday’s blog. Enjoy!

I’m done ✅ today but feeling a real sense of accomplishment this week. I have spent this week caring for puppies and my mom which is not something I can continue (caring for my mom, puppies are a breeze). My mom needs more care than I can give and I am at a place where I am able to recognize that fact luckily. My sister was out of town this week but is back today so that’s good news. Last week was sure the opposite sleeping in the closet ha ha and not able to do anything other than take care of myself and my doggies…


Today I woke up at six am and puppy sat all day and then went to my moms house to check on her and clean out her tub. Had time for twenty minute walk increased from none to fifteen and next week working up to thirty.
It’s amazing how one can get out of shape after a month of recuperating from my hospitalizations! 


Glad to be feeling better now but need to get my sugary foods under wraps again. If it’s there I’ll eat it and fast which is why I don’t buy sweet stuff regularly for my house! That and cheese and tomato soup are my best friends lately but been getting my fruit and veggies every day through SparkPeople which is free for tracking food and fitness daily.


Speaking of which I was supposed to do cross training today but ran out of time so I have the goal to swim tomorrow! I also found a walking club in my area and am going to get in shape to do a 5k which is 3 miles by May. Also got a fitness journal to track all and any exercise! I’m on a roll. Would like to get in the habit to do Yoga in the am. I feel like I can do all this because of my new antidepressant.

Saw my therapist today and we both decided that I am done with therapy for now. We spent half the session talking about Netflix shows and just chatting like old friends. I have done the hard part and it has paid off greatly. If I need a check up I can call her anytime to schedule so that makes me happy that she isn’t closing me out but I can see her on an as need basis.


Finally home and got some protein and a veggie in. I really need both to feel full and energized! Spent the day sitting puppies in a vegan house with lots of sugary treats which I gave into. Going to dinner with hubbie shortly.

It’s amazing how I am now living life rather than just watching the world go by…

Pax

Victoria

Out of hospital and a nice surprise..

To all,

Well I am home now and resting!

But while I was in the hospital one of my followers came to visit me! It was such a treat and a very nice surprise!

One of the wonderful things about life is that amidst all the hard times sometimes one kind gesture can make everything better!

So I passed on the kindness to my mother in law who was down the hall at the hospital with pneumonia and I shared with her what I could, kindness and compassion!

God is good and I will have energy soon to get back to my writing and many projects!

But for now I am just resting and trying to wrap my head around this years difficulties! Gods will be done in all things!

Peace to you all!

Glad to be home for Christmas!

Pax

Victoria

Back in hospital

To all,

Back in hospital due to complications from my gallbladder surgery! Already here two days and don’t know yet when I’ll be out!

So taking a lil break from blogging tilll I feel better!

But I promise you I won’t give up even though I feel like crap right now!

God is so good 😊

Pax

Victoria

How much can I handle?

Had my gallbladder removed today! Thought it was food poisoning but alas another situation to blog about!

So let’s recap this year 2018

  1. Husband kicked out for private reasons and it was a sort of intervention so I thank him for doing it but med changes around the same time left me suicidal and checked myself int psych ward and was put on new regimen of psych meds which helped me immensely!
  2. Felt so good after adding cbd oil full spectrum that I decided to get a job teaching which was wonderful until an altercation led me to a relapse of schizophrenia and bad times
  3. My daughter moved home and was my emotional caregiver until I decided to let her go and do her own therapy and our somewhat emeshed relationship took a turn for the worse but it’s getting better and will be doing a whole blog about it soon.
  4. My mom almost died in September and it shook my world!
  5. This week I decided to end my marriage but working it out sand after 3 day separating he decided to research my disorder and help support me more Ann’s even come to see my therapist with me!!
  6. Then same week this happens!

More tomorrow for now good night!!!

Pax

Victoria

It’s Monday may my alchemical journey begin…

Dear readers,

Even though I am tired this Monday morning I feel God guiding me on a transformative journey but let me back up to this weekend…

I finally finished my fifth step in na this weekend (to share my wrongs with another) as I found myself in the confessional with my humble but wise confessor. I hid my 4th step in my bosom and chose to go the route of private confession behind a veil so I would not be recognized.

As I read my difficult 4th step which I have admitted to no one before I didn’t feel anything. I asked for comments after reading it and received a loving non judgmental answer and practical ways to overcome my sin.

After the absolution was prayed this dear priest who I consider to be Jesus in each sacrament said to me, “pray for help to find out who you really are”. Of which I was slightly offended at.

But God does not let us down when we are actively seeking His will and throughout Sunday till this moment I have discovered I don’t really know myself as the priest suggested.

Sunday came and I don’t know why but I felt unsettled despite my morning and afternoon practice of spiritual reading and prayer with meditation.

I felt led to buy some books from a dear friend who used to have a book store particularly seeking books on Buddhism which I feel drawn to study eastern philosophy. As we sorted through her books in her dusty shed from a cardboard box of books I picked out some books on Buddhism and also picked out a book called “vein of gold” which is a creative book full of exercises on how to discover who you are. The first exercise was writing by long hand 3 pages every day on anything going on in your mind. Well I started right away and it revealed much!

I picked it up this morning after my morning practice and was blown away by the first few lines. I had to look up the word alchemy as it was used in a way describing the book and this journey I am about to embark on in an unknown context. It means transformation which I didn’t even know I needed!

I thank God for this wonderful journey I am on called life as more is revealed through the universe, nature, people and books. I pray for wisdom from the Holy Spirit to continue to guide me in all I do particularly with my work and the promotion of my book.

I shall share more as much as I feel led anyway but it is very personal so we shall see.

I plan to do my first podcast this week so that is exciting as when I blog or talk I find I am also learning who I am. Yesterday I read my past 5 of 6 blogs and how far I have come since February 18 of this year! I was suicidal and at the deepest dark moment of my life but I have heard that without great pain one cannot know great joy!!! So I am terribly joyful these days and don’t have words to describe my gratitude to my Creator who made heaven and earth!

Pax

Victoria

Toxic friendships oh my!

Dear readers,

Pray that the Universe is kind to all today especially a dear friend who I had to let go of yesterday due to her toxicity.  It was years coming and I don’t feel relief today but a deep sadness which overwhelms my every pore.

Some people are all about drama and I am finding that the longer I stay sober and clean (still working on vaping though) and the more I recover from this debilitating disorder the more I seek after friendships that support me in my recovery….

But it is very hard to let someone go and for that I am putting my podcasts and book promotion to the side for now.  I feel I have nothing to offer right now as this sadness is taking over my thoughts and all the great ideas I had have quieted for now.

I am going to focus instead on my upcoming teaching job which starts in less than 3 weeks.  I have also gotten away from my AA meetings but went last night and it was exactly what I needed.  I am dual diagnosed with Schizo-affective Disorder and alcohollism so meetings really help to just be with my tribe and hear how people stay sober and sane despite lifes’s happenings like letting go of a friend…

Wishing you all well and a happy day and weekend.  God bless you!

I will leave you with my morning reading theme for the day and hope you appreciate it as much as I did, by Isadora Duncan, “All that is necessary to make this world a better place to live is to love- to love as Christ loved, as Buddha loved”.  Amen

Pax

Victoria