Had my gallbladder removed today! Thought it was food poisoning but alas another situation to blog about!
So let’s recap this year 2018
Husband kicked out for private reasons and it was a sort of intervention so I thank him for doing it but med changes around the same time left me suicidal and checked myself int psych ward and was put on new regimen of psych meds which helped me immensely!
Felt so good after adding cbd oil full spectrum that I decided to get a job teaching which was wonderful until an altercation led me to a relapse of schizophrenia and bad times
My daughter moved home and was my emotional caregiver until I decided to let her go and do her own therapy and our somewhat emeshed relationship took a turn for the worse but it’s getting better and will be doing a whole blog about it soon.
My mom almost died in September and it shook my world!
This week I decided to end my marriage but working it out sand after 3 day separating he decided to research my disorder and help support me more Ann’s even come to see my therapist with me!!
Even though I am tired this Monday morning I feel God guiding me on a transformative journey but let me back up to this weekend…
I finally finished my fifth step in na this weekend (to share my wrongs with another) as I found myself in the confessional with my humble but wise confessor. I hid my 4th step in my bosom and chose to go the route of private confession behind a veil so I would not be recognized.
As I read my difficult 4th step which I have admitted to no one before I didn’t feel anything. I asked for comments after reading it and received a loving non judgmental answer and practical ways to overcome my sin.
After the absolution was prayed this dear priest who I consider to be Jesus in each sacrament said to me, “pray for help to find out who you really are”. Of which I was slightly offended at.
But God does not let us down when we are actively seeking His will and throughout Sunday till this moment I have discovered I don’t really know myself as the priest suggested.
Sunday came and I don’t know why but I felt unsettled despite my morning and afternoon practice of spiritual reading and prayer with meditation.
I felt led to buy some books from a dear friend who used to have a book store particularly seeking books on Buddhism which I feel drawn to study eastern philosophy. As we sorted through her books in her dusty shed from a cardboard box of books I picked out some books on Buddhism and also picked out a book called “vein of gold” which is a creative book full of exercises on how to discover who you are. The first exercise was writing by long hand 3 pages every day on anything going on in your mind. Well I started right away and it revealed much!
I picked it up this morning after my morning practice and was blown away by the first few lines. I had to look up the word alchemy as it was used in a way describing the book and this journey I am about to embark on in an unknown context. It means transformation which I didn’t even know I needed!
I thank God for this wonderful journey I am on called life as more is revealed through the universe, nature, people and books. I pray for wisdom from the Holy Spirit to continue to guide me in all I do particularly with my work and the promotion of my book.
I shall share more as much as I feel led anyway but it is very personal so we shall see.
I plan to do my first podcast this week so that is exciting as when I blog or talk I find I am also learning who I am. Yesterday I read my past 5 of 6 blogs and how far I have come since February 18 of this year! I was suicidal and at the deepest dark moment of my life but I have heard that without great pain one cannot know great joy!!! So I am terribly joyful these days and don’t have words to describe my gratitude to my Creator who made heaven and earth!
Pray that the Universe is kind to all today especially a dear friend who I had to let go of yesterday due to her toxicity. It was years coming and I don’t feel relief today but a deep sadness which overwhelms my every pore.
Some people are all about drama and I am finding that the longer I stay sober and clean (still working on vaping though) and the more I recover from this debilitating disorder the more I seek after friendships that support me in my recovery….
But it is very hard to let someone go and for that I am putting my podcasts and book promotion to the side for now. I feel I have nothing to offer right now as this sadness is taking over my thoughts and all the great ideas I had have quieted for now.
I am going to focus instead on my upcoming teaching job which starts in less than 3 weeks. I have also gotten away from my AA meetings but went last night and it was exactly what I needed. I am dual diagnosed with Schizo-affective Disorder and alcohollism so meetings really help to just be with my tribe and hear how people stay sober and sane despite lifes’s happenings like letting go of a friend…
Wishing you all well and a happy day and weekend. God bless you!
I will leave you with my morning reading theme for the day and hope you appreciate it as much as I did, by Isadora Duncan, “All that is necessary to make this world a better place to live is to love- to love as Christ loved, as Buddha loved”. Amen
Before I blog about my new exciting part-time job I want to share with you that I will be updating and improving my blog coming shortly with the help of another person who also suffers from schizoaffective disorder! He is a software developer and is going to help me with this website and another one where I will be selling my goat’s milk soap and other creations (misters, roll-ons, alcohol free hand sanitizer). So excited. Up till now this has been a pleasurable hobby but I am going to take it to the next level and go for it now that I am feeling so much better on my new and old medicine regimen.
So I decided to apply at our local community college as a sociology 101 instructor and it ends up I know the woman who does the hiring through the community and she hired me on the spot. She knows of some of my difficulties but not all. But I feel ready for the challenge and that class was actually one of my favorites when I was working on my under graduate degree.
So stay tuned and send me an email anytime or comment and I have now set up my phone to receive my comments so I will be responding quicker, so sorry for delayed responses lately but ahh life is so full these days!
I am now back on my original medication Risperdal with Latuda and have changed my anti-anxiety med and am doing positively great!
I am sleeping 7-8 hours (opposed to 12 or 13)
I am getting up every day and doing the things I have wanted to do but haven’t done for a year. I mean I had to try Clozapine because others have had such great success with it but for me my cocktail combination is working so I am not going to deviate probably ever again. Just for an example today I woke up at 6:30 made lunch for hubbie and me and my dear daughter who are going to the airport because she is going to Colorado to visit (like it much better with her here and her just visiting us every 6 months!), brushed the dogs, gardened, laundry, blogging, cleaned both bathrooms and more!
I used to take so long to wake up and would just sit and surf the web for literally hours but now once again there just isn’t enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do.
In fact I am so passionate about life that I have decided to apply for a teaching position at the local community college as a Sociology 101 professor! I feel like I will be able to work and am so excited to get all the paperwork in!
Life is good and my hubbie has noticed too. The house is much cleaner and tidier, cooking at home pretty much every day and I am going to the gym 5 or 6 days a week. I spoiled myself with the upgraded membership to get the hydromassage every time I go. I am taking such good care of myself. I also have hope that I will shed the weight I gained these past few months!
So there, finally a good update!
Email or comment any questions. I am once again back on the circuit and will be blogging more hopefully as the urge arises!