Today’s post is nostalgic in some ways but I have been thinking a lot about how much has changed in the last years.
I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 2008 but was psychotic for two years before getting help. Post diagnosis I earned my bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Master’s degree in Psychology in 2012. Who would have known that all that schooling would be unused now although I did work in the mental health field for 4 years prior to my going on permanent disability in 2018.
I was strong going to school, earned high marks and actually held down several jobs from 2011 to 2015. I went to work every day until stress caused me to have a relapse and caused me to change jobs a few times. With each new job there was hope that this time I could do the job and be successful. With each new job stress hit and there I went again either resigning or just leaving the job. I tried everything to make it work because I enjoyed working and I miss it.
Now my days are spent just trying to get through each day without having engagement in negative behaviors. I have lost my purpose so to say and miss having a job to go to every day. I wrote a book in the past few years and titled it, “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”. It is about my life with Schizophrenia, the suffering and how to spend one’s days when unable to work. I need to take my own advice and find purpose again. Because right now I have no focus, no passion, no purpose.
My parents are both still alive and yesterday I visited my dad who is paralyzed from two strokes. We sang songs together at church service and I just held onto his hand. I am so grateful to still have him in my life even though I don’t visit him as much as I used to. The other day I hung out with my mom and we had a good time. I am truly blessed.
Yesterday I celebrated my one year of being clean and sober and went to a meeting and lunch with my sponsor who has become a dear friend. Later that night I went to my son’s future in laws home and ate dinner and talked about the upcoming wedding in Hawaii in April. It was fun.
With all that being said I must report that all of it was hard. It is hard for me to get from A to B in all situations. I feel that my disorder has really progressed so much that it is hard to enjoy life these days. I would like to write another book about this but after my first book didn’t sell very many copies I cannot justify the expense.
Hence the delusions. That my book would be a big seller and that people would actually be interested to hear my story. This blog has done well and is one of my only successful accomplishments.
I am not complaining just stating facts. My disorder has progressed so much that I am very dissatisfied with my life. I want grand kids but wonder what type of grandma I will be. Will it give me purpose and excitement or will it be a struggle to meet the expectations of my kids? Time will tell.
My disorder has progressed after each relapse and I am sad about that as I don’t know what the next twenty years will bring. I want to develop new habits and get excited about my life again but it is very hard after a day like yesterday when I have all these great things happening yet the getting ready for them is so so hard. But when I get there I am fine. I don’t know why this is?
The other day I had a very productive day but again it was with mixed emotions. I had to force myself to get things done and today I feel will be the same case.
Music helps but even my favorite songs don’t give me the same pleasure as recently.
I am not suicidal just apathetic currently. Which is one of the markers of this disorder.
I have so much to be grateful for yet have a hard time experiencing grateful emotions.
God please help me to find purpose in life again outside of a job. I know He hears my prayers and I remember that I did pray for suffering back in ’06 and He has not disappointed me yet. So much suffering, so much apathy.
I’m going to try to make today good but have to force myself as usual.
I am not giving up, just stating facts. The upcoming video will be interesting with these thoughts at my forefront.
I pray for more hope, love and charity of which can take many forms.
Funny thing I do lately is reread my old blogs and inspire myself. I find that quite humorous.
I love God and thank Him for this suffering at many levels.
I wonder if sharing my story will help or hurt. Again time will tell.
God bless you all!