Love can be hard sometimes…

Dear readers,

After my last blog over my victory for speaking up for myself to my mother who stigmatizes me, I began to feel real sympathy for my mom who is such a sad and depressed woman.

I used to bring her food and go on walks and different places with her until I couldn’t.

She adopted me with my dad and for that I will ever be grateful for the life that she gave me.  She did the best she could with what she was given and she tries to be there for me in her own critical way.

This blog is a prayer for my mom to really look up stigmatization and try to understand this disorder better.  It must be really hard for her as I am the person she is closest to, but I haven’t been able to be there for her for a while and when I was she heavily criticized me so much I had to stop.

My therapist asked me today what would happen if I didn’t call her, if I just let go of her even if that meant she cut me off from my inheritance.  Well, I don’t care about my inheritance.  I just want my mom.  My answer was that I don’t know.

Isn’t that what we all want?  To have our parents at their best when they made us feel good and proud of our accomplishments and to be loved in return or rather for us to love them in return?  She just hurts me so badly sometimes that I just don’t know how to be a part of her life without me getting hurt.

She has alienated everyone else from her life and although my sister has stepped in to help her since I have been working and now my relapse, my mom can’t share with her the way she shares with me and will never forgive my sister for invading her private financial documents when she and my dad were on vacation over ten years ago.

My mom can’t let things go, speaks her mind without a filter and seems only to be happy when she is making everyone around her as miserable as she is.  But she has feelings I know because she has shared many great moments with me when she was happy once and I always listen to her stories even though I have heard them a thousand times but I enjoy when she is telling me her stories.  Probably because when she is telling stories she isn’t criticizing all that is wrong in her life or mine for that matter.  She is a great story teller and I love it when she even gets more in depth and tells me new details as she is really great at capturing the nuances of the stories she is telling me.

My favorite one is about our German Shepherd dog we had growing up named Brutus and how a little boy once hugged him  to his mother’s dismay and fear, but Brutus let him…He was a great and gentle dog…

Oh, God, my heart breaks for my mom, whose husband of 55 years (my dad), is living in a care facility paralyzed from two strokes two years ago and how hard it is on her to be alone now and no longer have my dad to rely on even though they fought all the time, but thankfully she doesn’t remember all the fighting, no she remembers the good times and it is such a great loss to her.  I can only try to imagine how she must feel.  And now she is losing me.  But God is a healer and I pray he will heal our relationship because I really want to be there for her again, maybe not in the same way where I am care giving but to just be her daughter again.

I send this prayer up to heaven…

Pax,

Victoria

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