Not giving up! But not where I want to be…

Dear readers,

Wow!  I feel like I have been doing so well lately that when a hard day or two hits I am like, “What the F?”  Sorry but it’s hard having this disorder and sometimes words really say it all.

I relapsed on alcohol but got right back on track and have been back at meetings.  I reinjured my bursa (hip) and am getting a shot today for the pain.  I haven’t been able to walk much due to physical limitations (I really feel my age these days) but then I look at people older than me and I am like I’m falling apart.  Yesterday at the beach I saw this older woman in a skirt who was building a circle with stones or shells (couldn’t quite see) and i was like dang I hope that’s me one day ha ha.

And then there is the mental.  As I have shared before my parents are both still alive but frail in many ways.  I have been spending a lot of time with them lately and it is all good but it is hard on me mentally to not have them like when I was younger.  I miss going to coffee with my dad and taking long walks with my mom.

Been fighting negativity as hard as I can and winning for the most part.  Life can be great or life can be blah.  Must find an in between state of just contentment.  I have some good friends which is great and I even occasionally make some new ones yet I spend a lot lot of time alone.  Not sure what I prefer really.

My ideal life would be one where I did my yoga practice faithfully and meditated more often.  Do no harm is my mantra and I regret my past offenses against nature.  Death even for a small creature is hard and I must appreciate all life that God gives.  It may seem silly but even an insect has life and must be valued no matter how small.  I still kill gnats and flies and don’t always feel bad about that.

Living in the moment is my goal and to appreciate every day I am alive.  Letting go of thoughts that do not make me strong and being grateful for everything.  The mundane, the awesome, the blah.

In pain right now with my hip so hard to appreciate life right now.

Hope and pray all is well with all of you:)

Pax

Victoria

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