Obsessions…

To all,

This blog is a little different because I haven’t talked much about my OCD but many of you who have been following me for a while and probably notice patterns. I obsess over many things~

God

Music

Food

People

Ideas

My disorder

Just to name a few. When I don’t have a current obsession I am lost. I find I have no purpose in living when I don’t have something that I love to think about or engage in.

My current obsession is the song from the Greatest Showman called “From now on”. Hugh Jackman sings it and it is so uplifting. It sings about an anthem from the heart and he hits every note perfectly. I have it on loop and close my eyes when the chorus rings. His voice isn’t perfect and I think that’s what I like the best about it. As we are all imperfect especially with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder.

Delusions still are an active part of my life~mainly that I am very special. I have an opportunity possibly to go to Boston for a blogger of Schizophrenia Symposium at the end of February. I hope I get to go but God’s will be done.

Last night I had a dream about an old flame and it was upsetting that I still think about him in my dreams at an obsessive level. I still love him although I am happily married. I don’t know what brought this dream on but I hope I don’t have anymore because it has taken all morning to get over it and what it means. He reached out to me on FB once and I deleted my account. I am now back on there and haven’t heard from him which is a good thing I suppose. It has been over thirty years, yet a part of me still loves and obsesses over him.

Life can be so confusing. I would seriously prefer not to dream as it represents so many things that I cannot explain and causes much confusion. It is like being psychotic again which I am not currently.

I love God and all He is but my pride is diminished when I fall from His grace and perfection. I am not perfect. Just a person trying to make of sense of life now that I am doing better again.

My disorder is not friendly, no it is a fierce beast lying in the shadows waiting for me, laying in wait, for stress once again to cause me to fall back in that dark place. Music really helps me to fight those dark thoughts. I don’t hear voices but see God’s hand in much of my life. Is this a delusion? Or is it reality? I am not sure really, I just know that I am very confused at times and acting on both healthy recreation and unhealthy.

It has been said that the beast that we feed more will win or something like that. So I choose to surround myself with positive healthy people who are giving back to this thing we call life and not just sucking air.

From now on I choose to be happy, choose to do the next right indicated thing that will bring me peace and joy and when the hard times hit again which aren’t ever far away I will listen to “From now on” and know that my fractured mind is misleading at times and check in with people who are my reality check, because there are still many times throughout the day when I am lost and confused about what to do next…

Pax

Victoria

3 Replies to “Obsessions…”

  1. You say you are just an imperfect person trying to make sense of life. That is all any of us are. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect. That is why He sent His perfect Son to atone for your sin, bringing reconciliation between you and God. You are in need of no other, as Scripture says there is one mediator between God and man, the man Jesus Christ. Stay strong in Him and He will get you through all these things.

    I know how it feels to be obsessed with an old flame. My wife left me back in 2006 and I have had a rough time trying to get over that. For many years I thought about her obsessively and stressed out over our break-up. Even now I occasionally think about her but it is getting better. I pray that God will help you with these negative cycles of thinking and bring you the peace that you need.

  2. Yes I saw the guy I fell in love with many years ago. I am married also and would never hurt my husband even though I am still in love with the teenager I met in 1991,92 somewhere along those lines. I was a teenager when I fell in love. My husband I have now is so sweet and feel like he is not worth it and he definitely is. He works harder than anyone besides my dad has ever worked. May God and Savior Jesus Bless You. Thank you so much for your posts you are very encouraging.

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