Still struggling…delusions smashed and lost…

Dear readers,

Was doing pretty good after Boston but then got hit with the paralyzed feeling that I have fought successfully today. I made a list and got busy and am now taking a break to just say that upon reflection my disorder has really progressed to a point where even minor stress can set off symptoms.

I did something that I am not proud of and feel very guilty about it. It has caused me to go down a very dark road away from God and I don’t know how to get back. This is not a good thing. I love God but it is very hard to please Him and my husband at the same time. ..

My walk with God up to this decision I made the other day has been pretty solid with an occassional slip up but I made a concsious choice to lie about something due to pressure from other people and it is all I can think about.

Back to drama in my life, and this time it doesn’t feel good.

I believe in God and know He loves me and everyone but when one chooses the easier path to save money through deceit it is very hard to feel close to God.

My delusions are that I am very special, not meant to work and that I am on a grand mission from God. Well this action of mine which I own fully smashes to pieces all my delusions. I feel lost and sad and well just paralyzed. I am struggling to make sense of this and don’t know what to do.

When I was diagnosed eleven years ago I had no idea of the road ahead and with this new twist am not sure how the next eleven years and beyond will go.

A dear friend of mine who also has Schizoaffective disorder called me yesterday for support so I talked to him about his situation and promised to pray and I will and even offered to go to coffee next week to talk some more. I also reached out and helped someone who was newly diagnosed on FB. But is this enough to make up for my misdeed?

I am not perfect by any means but even in my dreams I was in some sort of purgatory where I was cleaning and cleaning and not doing a good job. It’s funny because it reminded me of when I was a child and had so many chores to do all the time and was always criticized. Well my husband and daughter still do criticize me but to be truthful I don’t do much housework these days as my dear daughter does it as a form of rent. Don’t know what I will do when she moves out next year. I don’t mind cleaning but much prefer yard work.

But I am getting off point. I am struggling and sad and feel very guilty. STuck and don’t know how to shake it. Hope I don’t end up in the hospital again over it as that is where i head when stress gets to be too much.

Hope everyone is doing well. I haven’t felt to blog but it is already helping to vent my frustrations to ya’ll. God bless!

Pax

Victoria

2 Replies to “Still struggling…delusions smashed and lost…”

  1. Victoria, we all fall short and sin from time to time. If you have believed in Christ, then all your sins have been paid for and forgiven. There is nothing you can add to that and nothing you need to do to further earn any forgiveness. That is the gift of God in Christ. All we can do is repent and move on, asking God to help us not do it again in the future.

    1. Thanks for the reminder Kevin! I reached out to my sponsor and found a way that I made peace with my deceit also.
      Pax
      Victoria

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