Dear readers, old and new,
Today I celebrate my very first hospitalization at UCLA. in 2008..
I am treating myself to a cup of vanilla nut coffee, which I like to drink on special occasions and today is a special day because it was the day I first got help and began my recovery from Schizophrenia later to be fine-tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder 3 months later.
Allow me to begin with a little history…
I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 and from that day I spiraled down to the days prior to my hospitalization. I heard voices and had thoughts inserted in my mind that I believed then to be messages from God. I wrote prolifically and gave my messages to priests, mainly one, and while some of it came to pass most of it was just nonsense and I realize now I was fully psychotic.
Many strange happenings but that is not what I wish to write about today. No, instead I want to blog about my hospitalization and being diagnosed by a team of doctors, one of whom was very unkind to me and others. Such a shame really but I pray for her soul.
I was admitted through the ER and upon entering the ward the psychiatirist told me in no uncertain terms that there was no way that I had Schizophrenia. I had researched it online because I was really losing grip with reality, was passively suicidal and my life was falling apart as I knew it.
My parents drove me to the hospital and I remember they were worried that I might not be admitted but I assured them that I would just say the truth that I believed that if I ran out into traffic an angel of God would save me, thinking this might reassure them. Oh how sad and scared they must have felt. God bless them please!
I remember upon admittance, being stripped of my belongings and put into a ward and the reason the psychiatrist gave me that I did not have Schizophrenia was because I was the wrong age. wrong this and that and that it was basically improbable and impossible.
3 days later they diagnosed me with Schizophrenia and I thought at last I am right about something. All my previous messages had brought me nothing but shame and remorse so the fact that I was right was terrific and freeing. Odd reaction but it was all I had to hold onto.
In the ward I helped people, mainly one male patient who had severe back problems. I asked him if I could lay hands on him and he agreed. I proceeded to do so and he was wearing a thick leather bomber jacket. He felt the warmth of my hands through the thick jacket and was instantly healed. He proclaimed me an angel and told the staff. I got in trouble for laying hands on another patient.
I was also not encouraged to attend groups because I felt I was there to help others and it caused much disruption. I remember the one community meeting that I attended. After I spoke my message of hope for all one man stated that it was the most incredible meeting he had ever attended and he had been in many a psych ward..
I received much praise from the other patients but the staff didn’t know what to do with me. Go figure.
There is so much I could write about but I will end with this. In the psych ward I met a young man named Anthony Avakian, with which I shared a very special bond of love. I remember that we exchanged books, mine I gave him was St. Francis, Little Flowers and he gave me a book on spiritual warfare. We kept in touch for a while but then lost touch.
It’s funny how we are walking along this path called life for a while with someone special and then we’re not. How much I miss so many people who have come into my life at various moments in my recovery especially.
To all of you I pray you are doing well and I wish the very best for each and every one of you and my followers and anyone who reads this blog.
I am currently fighting depression and I won’t give up. I wear the same black attire every day and rarely leave my house… Here I sit, here I ponder how much these past 11 years have brought me to the place I am now. I am not psychotic, which is good, but I am depressed and must fight this too like I did the Schizophrenia.
I have a plan but will share that another day.
Pray for me and I shall pray for you all.
God bless each and every one of you on this road to better days and brighter thoughts.