The agony is real….

Whatever one can imagine to be the darkest place and then to come into the Cross as the only place that makes sense.

I am again at a crossroads in my recovery.  Trying to quit smoking, made it half the day ha ha progress or defeat the next few days will tell.  Was vaping but some lady approached me and told me they had just buried her friend’s son who had died from vaping.  So sad.  I threw it all away in trashcans where they will be discarded not searched through.

Trying out the patch.  It definitely helps but took it off today because I wanted to go in the pool and sauna at my gym.  Didn’t make it after all because of the smoking.

Trying to learn from  my mistakes.  It’s simple, don’t pick up the first one duh!

But for this 50 year old sometimes crazy Schizophrenia survivor the fight is real.





Have it all…

God wants us to have it all!  Heaven, peace, wellness, all that is good and pure.  All that is evil will melt away.  So be it amen.

in heaven there will be no suffering especially the mentally disordered.  Although we do suffer now.  I’m starting to think that mental illness is evil, deceptive, misunderstood and the source of much decisiveness.

Don’t know how to change this except to blog about it.

I have a mental disorder, Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder.  I am recovered mostly except for some anxiety.

I have fought hard since 2006 to be recovered and God has allowed it through His grace and greatness.



I am a survivor…

Ever since being diagnosed with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder in Jan of 2008 I have had to fight.  And fighting I will still do, because despite the many valleys and mountains and deserts I have had an indomitable spirit and i know it comes from God.

Who is, was and is to come

Revelations 1

I shall proclaim His Resurrection as the women did and say that Jesus lives and reigns now and forever amen.




To those needing help…

This blog is for those who are either not diagnosed yet or those who are newly diagnosed or for those who have been in recovery for a while…

Wherever you are at please know that it gets better in time if you do certain things to help your mental health.

From making that first call to a psychiatrist perhaps with a family member or friend by your side or even if you are alone. Making that call is the first step towards leading a better healthier life.

After making the call and seeing a psychiatrist it is all about being honest. Honest as best you can because know this that I have not always been honest but never on purpose because Scizophrenia can be very tricky. If you are experiencing symptoms such as voices or hallucinations of another kind be honest with as much as you can accurately describe to the best of your ability. Again if you have a loved one with you it may help to get the information into the right hands. They are professionals and should not only act professionally but with your best interest in mind.

You need to be able to trust your professional and if paranoia is at play it may be hard to discern who to trust so trust your loved ones if that is the case unless you feel very strongly that you can’t be honest with your psychiatrist. I have suffered from paranoia along the way but when I stepped into my psychiatrist’s office I felt safe and like I was able to share my story to get the help needed. I have now been with him for eleven good years and hope he never retires.

To those who are newly diagnosed know there will probably be setbacks in your recovery from side effects to relapse to future hospitalizations to who knows what else. It is important not to give up hope if this is the case. Mental health is fragile for the person afflicted and the only way to get better is to not give up and throw it all away because of one bad experience with a drug or mental health care professional.

Exactly one year ago today I was in the psych ward once again suicidal and thinking once again that my world was ending. But now a year later I am doing many things in my recovery that I never dreamed possible. I have learned that I cannot work but have become a proponent for mental health through this blog and other venues, and may even be sharing my story in the future if that is the path God allows for me. Point is you don’t know where your mental health will go. One way to start feeling better for some right away is to blog about it. is awesome for getting started and very helpful in getting a blog going. Or read other’s stories to find the message of hope that speaks to you and your loved ones.

Education is key to success I feel and the more you can educate yourself on your disorder and treatment (ignore the prognosis if possible because that may just depress you) and become an advocate for those who are still suffering.

If you have been in recovery for a while know that it even gets better from here. If you socially isolate, get out, and if you can’t get out find a psychiatrist who may help you to adjust your meds better to be able to do so. Don’t get me wrong as there are times when I don’t get out very much but the days I do are better days. The days I connect with others and make connections with others who are and aren’t mentally disordered.

And finally don’t call yourself mentally ill. You have a disorder. Illness indicates being sick and we aren’t sick. We have fractured minds and need to think about it as that not that we have some illness that will go away in time or needs to be treated with kid gloves. Thinking about it like that will help you to get the best help you need without feeling sorry for yourself for what others may term mentally ill.

There enough advice from me today. I just finished my first of three interviews on getting my personal story out there and these were some of the things I said in my interview which I felt to share here on my blog today.

God bless you all! Never give up getting the best possible care you can and if you still suffer know you are never alone. I suffer every single day yet am able to do much like travel to Boston to sit on an advisory board next week!



11 Year Anniversary being diagnosed with Schizophrenia…

Dear readers, old and new,

Today I celebrate my very first hospitalization at UCLA. in 2008..

I am treating myself to a cup of vanilla nut coffee, which I like to drink on special occasions and today is a special day because it was the day I first got help and began my recovery from Schizophrenia later to be fine-tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder 3 months later.

Allow me to begin with a little history…

I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 and from that day I spiraled down to the days prior to my hospitalization. I heard voices and had thoughts inserted in my mind that I believed then to be messages from God. I wrote prolifically and gave my messages to priests, mainly one, and while some of it came to pass most of it was just nonsense and I realize now I was fully psychotic.

Many strange happenings but that is not what I wish to write about today. No, instead I want to blog about my hospitalization and being diagnosed by a team of doctors, one of whom was very unkind to me and others. Such a shame really but I pray for her soul.

I was admitted through the ER and upon entering the ward the psychiatirist told me in no uncertain terms that there was no way that I had Schizophrenia. I had researched it online because I was really losing grip with reality, was passively suicidal and my life was falling apart as I knew it.

My parents drove me to the hospital and I remember they were worried that I might not be admitted but I assured them that I would just say the truth that I believed that if I ran out into traffic an angel of God would save me, thinking this might reassure them. Oh how sad and scared they must have felt. God bless them please!

I remember upon admittance, being stripped of my belongings and put into a ward and the reason the psychiatrist gave me that I did not have Schizophrenia was because I was the wrong age. wrong this and that and that it was basically improbable and impossible.

3 days later they diagnosed me with Schizophrenia and I thought at last I am right about something. All my previous messages had brought me nothing but shame and remorse so the fact that I was right was terrific and freeing. Odd reaction but it was all I had to hold onto.

In the ward I helped people, mainly one male patient who had severe back problems. I asked him if I could lay hands on him and he agreed. I proceeded to do so and he was wearing a thick leather bomber jacket. He felt the warmth of my hands through the thick jacket and was instantly healed. He proclaimed me an angel and told the staff. I got in trouble for laying hands on another patient.

I was also not encouraged to attend groups because I felt I was there to help others and it caused much disruption. I remember the one community meeting that I attended. After I spoke my message of hope for all one man stated that it was the most incredible meeting he had ever attended and he had been in many a psych ward..

I received much praise from the other patients but the staff didn’t know what to do with me. Go figure.

There is so much I could write about but I will end with this. In the psych ward I met a young man named Anthony Avakian, with which I shared a very special bond of love. I remember that we exchanged books, mine I gave him was St. Francis, Little Flowers and he gave me a book on spiritual warfare. We kept in touch for a while but then lost touch.

It’s funny how we are walking along this path called life for a while with someone special and then we’re not. How much I miss so many people who have come into my life at various moments in my recovery especially.

To all of you I pray you are doing well and I wish the very best for each and every one of you and my followers and anyone who reads this blog.

I am currently fighting depression and I won’t give up. I wear the same black attire every day and rarely leave my house… Here I sit, here I ponder how much these past 11 years have brought me to the place I am now. I am not psychotic, which is good, but I am depressed and must fight this too like I did the Schizophrenia.

I have a plan but will share that another day.

Pray for me and I shall pray for you all.

God bless each and every one of you on this road to better days and brighter thoughts.



The one lost sheep I am trying to help…

Dear readers,

It has been a rough week for sure and I am pulling out my bag of tricks to feel better.  I know what works and what doesn’t and am seeing a new therapist now which is very helpful.  I am certainly doing well in my recovery because I have got through a couple of very hard things without relapsing on many levels.

My dad (who is in extended care due to a major stroke and is paralyzed on his left side) got very sick and we thought it was pneumonia, which if it was we were not going to treat due to his mental decline, but it was just a bad cough and he made it through.  Even though he is not always cognitively present it still provides comfort that he is alive; everyone at extended care loves him and he still makes sense the first five minutes and I will take that and hope he is still alive for many years despite the cost of 15,000 dollars a month to keep him in an excellent facility.

Then the past week my mom got gravely ill and we thought she was going to die.  I cancelled my class that I love to teach because I was a basket case and witnessed a miracle of her getting better after asking many people to pray for her recovery.  The thought of losing both my mom and dad the same month has been very rough but I taught my sociology class today even though it was hard to focus and I have been relaxing a lot, watching netflix (fave show right now is heartland) and eating some healthy and some not so healthy foods to cope with the stress.

Yet, despite all that I am going through tonight I am focused on this one little lost sheep (student) who is trying very hard but is failing my class.  The rest of my students are passing with high grades for the most part but she is not.  So tonight I referred her to an early alert program which I should have done sooner but better late than never.  I won’t give up on her!  So if you can pray for her to get the help she needs I would greatly appreciate it.

I feel like I know personally what the bible talks about going after the one sheep that has gone astray, leaving the rest of the herd to help the one that is lost in my class!  I don’t see it as a failure on my part because she is the only one who is struggling but I have to do all I can and pray, pray and pray.

Life is good right now!  I have both my parent for the moment, my three kids are doing well and my marriage is strong.  My husband, who does not begin to understand my diagnosis, has really been compassionate in his way and I have expressed my thanks to him.  I love my job teaching sociology 101 and love to challenge my students in new and interesting ways.  I hope they will ask me to teach again in the Spring 2019 but we shall see.  Any way around it, it has been a great experience and very rewarding.  I don’t make much money but love teaching!

My birthday is next week and I have many plans, Morro Bay with my dear daughter, Chinese buffet with family, pizza and movie night and horseback riding on the beach.  I feel spoiled! 49 years young!

I am still taking the CBD oil from GOTERPY which has greatly reduced my schizoaffective disorder symptoms.  I am no longer delusional which is great to know that I am not the greatest person to ever live lol.  Sounds silly but until I started taking the full spectrum CBD oil, I still partially believed it but now I know I am not and it is a great relief!

Hope everyone has a good Friday and thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts for my lost sheep, that she may return with a decent grade and pass my class.



I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.


As usual pax,


A Schizophrenia guide worth taking a look at!

I have reviewed it and was very pleased and honored to be asked my opinion on it.  I give it two thumbs up for accuracy, thoroughness and clarity.  Check it out and pass it along if you have the means to do so on your blog or other social media source.

https://www.junomedical. com/en/resources/ schizophrenia-guide.



I hope you will take a look at and leave me a comment on your thoughts below and I will pass it on to the creators.



Going to be blogging more…

Hello to all!

I am going to be increasing my presence online in the near future.

Working or not working…

Father dying, mother needs more support than I can manage

New blogging opportunity at trending stories




And whatever is going on in my mind.



A new passion in life is always good!


I have recently started hiking again and it has really helped my mood.  Getting out in nature with my hiking boots on, sunscreen applied and a hat to boot makes for a great day.  The best part is I found a hiking partner so I don’t have to always hike alone!

The air is usually warm these days and the views are spectacular.  I hike in the mountains, by the beach and on local trails that have pretty plants.

When one has this disorder it is a really good thing to find something to be passionate about again post diagnosis.  Finding joy in life is just one more step in the right direction of recovering from this dastard disorder!

If you are newly diagnosed spend some time trying out new things to get passionate about and your life will improve!  Trust me.  I have tried many things and some of them I like and others I can do without.

Gardening is another hobby I have which really soothes the demons inside; watching new vegetables appear seemingly overnight is a wonder in itself and supplies me with much gratitude to God for giving us such an ability to help plants grow and produce.

I am grateful today for many things, my family, my friends, my dogs, my garden, the days I get to hike and for finally eating a healthy balanced diet.  These things are important to me and help me on this road to recovery.

Even though I can’t work, I can do more to help myself.  I study Spanish daily, write, read challenging books and articles, try different workouts on Sparkpeople, and cook and eat healthy.  I get enough sleep and practice prayer and meditation every day.

I have a good outlook on life and it is thanks to God and the desire I have to be the best me diagnosis and all!