I am a survivor…

Ever since being diagnosed with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder in Jan of 2008 I have had to fight.  And fighting I will still do, because despite the many valleys and mountains and deserts I have had an indomitable spirit and i know it comes from God.

Who is, was and is to come

Revelations 1

I shall proclaim His Resurrection as the women did and say that Jesus lives and reigns now and forever amen.

Pax

Victoria

 

Suffering no longer, at peace with self and God…

Dear readers,

I pray you are all well…

I have been on a streak of good days, enjoying time with the hubbie and kids and dogs (Butter is still my favorite pup though).  Time at the beach, time in the garden, time to relax, time to clean and organize.

Do you see a theme here?  I do.  I am no longer suffering and will take it.

I am living my life symptom free.

Oh I take my meds!  Faithfully.  Along with supplements, cbd oil mainly, therapy, good reading and making time for prayer.  Even have snuck in some yoga and meditation.  And walking again.  4 miles today:) and at the beach!

God is good.  I have no complaints.

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Loving God

Today readers, is a letter to God from me

Thank you God for your special gift of Jesus on the Cross and for the special absolution today for my many sins.  I know that by your cross I am saved but I thank you for leading me to the Catholic Faith and for all the sacraments that it offers.

I love you God and know that you are with me every second of every day and that you have led me thus far and will not let me go now.

I lift all my suffering of having this disorder for the many lost souls in this world.  Those who do not know you, those who are misguided, those who speak without knowing what they are saying.  I know I am not perfect but that you are and in this I know my many mistakes are forgiven by you.  I humbly submit to your will wherever that path may take me.

I thank you for this gift of schizophrenia and even when I am not grateful due to all the suffering involved, may I always look to You in all things and be at peace knowing that I am not running the world and that even though I think I may know your will please continue to guide me in all I do and bless everyone reading this please.

In Jesus through Mary,

Victoria

 

Does one still suffer from Schizophrenia in recovery?

Dear readers,

Yes and no. Some days are still hard for me but other days are wonderful. I think it may be mind over matter. I prayed to be able to suffer for God and was given the gift of Schizophrenia and much suffering ensued. I lift up all my suffering for those who suffer as well not only with this disorder but also for those impoverished, ignored, unstable for any reason and especially those who have no one to pray for them.

I believe God hears my prayers and although there are days I wish I didn’t pray that prayer, today is not one of them.

I am developing new habits and accomplishing much, spiritual, physical and mental. I read a book recently (can’t remember the title) and it was about how to change your life through habits.

Every day we have a thousand decisions to make and every day we waste time and energy on these decisions. Well the key to success for me is to no longer make these decisions but to have them made for me as habits.

Getting into the habit of reading my bible, praying my rosary, doing my workouts, cleaning my house and space clearing my junk or treasures to someone else that they may help along this road we call life.

Today I woke up early and was going to go back to bed but then I got busy taking care of the mundane and no longer felt the need to go back to bed.

So to answer my original posted question. Not so much anymore today. Because I am so much more than my disorder. I am who God made me to be and although I have been on a new spiritual journey these past 12 hours have realized that I already know the meaning to life. I don’t have to seek out a spiritual guide because the answer is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the light of the world. And although He allows our suffering to exist although sometimes we get stuck all of our suffering is for a purpose and all we have to do is ask Him into our hearts and He will enter.

Our God is a kind benevolent God who will not dare to impose himself on us unless we are Paul of Taurus. He comes in when we ask, and all we have to do is ask. Jesus suffered so much as did His mother. Was it for naught? I know it is not so. His redemptive grace is just that, it saves us and we can walk in the light if we choose to or continue on in the darkness due to our selfish ways.

All we have to do is ask the Holy Spirit to guide us in our days and He will lead us to places beyond our imaginations. And as people with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder our imaginations are pretty awesome and vast.

I am blessed to be a child of God and need nothing more in my life. Possessions don’t possess me. Although I have my many comforts in life I am starting to realize that I don’t even need them anymore. But they are there when I need them.

Pax

Victoria

With suffering comes pearls…

Just wanted to add to today’s post something that I read after posting, that I see as something for all of us. That is that with suffering comes pearls so I am going to be a great big pearl now and in heaven one day.

I see much of my angst as being an attack from the devil for all the good that I may do with this upcoming video and other endeavours in the future.

My delusions may be smashed but I no longer feel sad about it.

I can make the difference that I wish to see in the world and that is one small person who will speak up for all of us who have no voice. The mentally disordered population. I will fight stigma and that is now my main purpose in life.

It feels good to know that I will be doing good and I am going to run with it. I must fight against negative habits one at a time or maybe all at once and live a life that makes sense that there is a God who loves us all and wants each one of us to live the very best life we can, disorder and all.

I am a fighter and will not give up or in to negative behaviors!

Peace to you all.

I will leave you today with a quote from a huge book I found yesterday that was my father’s who has so much wisdom I think he got much of it from this book called The New Dictionary of Thoughts which is 750 pages. It inspires me greatly.

I must fill my mind with scripture and good reading to fight the apathy and when I can’t I will look back at my life and see how far I have come in these past eleven years…

“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy~ ” Mrs. Hermans

Pax

Victoria

Love is the answer…

Dear readers,

I choose love over hate; love over greed; love over sin.

I am in a better space today with everything although the sting of my sister’s words that I can’t possibly be on my mom and dad’s account because I am mentally ill still stings. But I am no longer angry and reeling…

Yesterday I felt like I shouldn’t even be driving because of my mental disorder. I rather call it a mental disorder because mentally ill indicates that I am sick and it proved to be true by my sister’s labeling of who I am.

I am not sick. My brain is fractured, partly broken but I am not sick, no I am disordered, have delusions and obsess over many things. But it is not who I am. No I am much more. I am a wonderful wife, mother, daughter and friend. I am more than my disorder and can do many things which proved to be true yesterday…

The new anti-depressant medicine is really helping me to not be depressed and I will take it. Although I am not gardening yet I was very close to pruning my rose bushes yesterday. I have dealt with much these past few weeks and am much more sane and healthy in my thinking about everything.

I must pray for my sister that she will no longer stigmatize me but come to understanding about mental health conditions. The fact that she has been patronizing me the past few months doesn’t make me angry it just makes me feel like doing more to counteract stigmatization.

When I go to Boston end of April I hope to come to a better understanding of how I as one person can spread the message to others to decrease stigmatization in the world. Having a mental disorder is hard enough but when others put us down because of it it really hurts.

I must choose love and the way of Jesus and Mary praying for a share in their glory in heaven.

I am hoping to go to Mass today after several months since going. This spiritual piece of who I am has been absent and I decided yesterday that I really miss it. I make spiritual communions for all my loved ones but I want to go to Mass to be with others to praise God, hear the Gospel and sermon and partake of the body and blood of Jesus in the Eucharist which will strengthen me…

Pax

Victoria

Obsessions…

To all,

This blog is a little different because I haven’t talked much about my OCD but many of you who have been following me for a while and probably notice patterns. I obsess over many things~

God

Music

Food

People

Ideas

My disorder

Just to name a few. When I don’t have a current obsession I am lost. I find I have no purpose in living when I don’t have something that I love to think about or engage in.

My current obsession is the song from the Greatest Showman called “From now on”. Hugh Jackman sings it and it is so uplifting. It sings about an anthem from the heart and he hits every note perfectly. I have it on loop and close my eyes when the chorus rings. His voice isn’t perfect and I think that’s what I like the best about it. As we are all imperfect especially with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder.

Delusions still are an active part of my life~mainly that I am very special. I have an opportunity possibly to go to Boston for a blogger of Schizophrenia Symposium at the end of February. I hope I get to go but God’s will be done.

Last night I had a dream about an old flame and it was upsetting that I still think about him in my dreams at an obsessive level. I still love him although I am happily married. I don’t know what brought this dream on but I hope I don’t have anymore because it has taken all morning to get over it and what it means. He reached out to me on FB once and I deleted my account. I am now back on there and haven’t heard from him which is a good thing I suppose. It has been over thirty years, yet a part of me still loves and obsesses over him.

Life can be so confusing. I would seriously prefer not to dream as it represents so many things that I cannot explain and causes much confusion. It is like being psychotic again which I am not currently.

I love God and all He is but my pride is diminished when I fall from His grace and perfection. I am not perfect. Just a person trying to make of sense of life now that I am doing better again.

My disorder is not friendly, no it is a fierce beast lying in the shadows waiting for me, laying in wait, for stress once again to cause me to fall back in that dark place. Music really helps me to fight those dark thoughts. I don’t hear voices but see God’s hand in much of my life. Is this a delusion? Or is it reality? I am not sure really, I just know that I am very confused at times and acting on both healthy recreation and unhealthy.

It has been said that the beast that we feed more will win or something like that. So I choose to surround myself with positive healthy people who are giving back to this thing we call life and not just sucking air.

From now on I choose to be happy, choose to do the next right indicated thing that will bring me peace and joy and when the hard times hit again which aren’t ever far away I will listen to “From now on” and know that my fractured mind is misleading at times and check in with people who are my reality check, because there are still many times throughout the day when I am lost and confused about what to do next…

Pax

Victoria

My Schizophrenia~A poem

The Prayer for suffering

The Gift

The intense emotional pain

The Voice of Jesus

The Voice of Mary

The hallucinations

The Messages from Heaven

Much Writing to Priests

The Orders to do strange things

Melt to the ground if I did not obey

The Confusion, suffering and inability to function

The Suicidal plan to jump out in front of cars

Believing the Hand of God would save me

By His Angels rescuing me

Hospitalization at UCLA

The Healing of a fellow patient

Believing I was the most special person to ever live

The Diagnosis- Schizophrenia

Although I was the wrong age and other factors

The Meds

The Delusions remain to this day

No more orders from Heaven

Except when God demands His will to be done

People die, get sick and physical problems abound to allow God’s will to be done

Depression hits

Fine-tuned diagnosis~Schizoaffective Disorder

Negative symptoms remain

Delusions remain

Recovery is in full force

Blogging since 2013

Have helped many people along the way

What is next only God knows

I accept His will

I will never give up

Dear readers,

Yesterday was an amazing day. I didn’t sit all day and feel sorry for myself about my mom. I fought the good fight to be productive and fight the depression. Now that I am no longer working I don’t have much stress and hopefully will not have another hospitalization again (Have had 4 or 5 so far). I walked 4 miles yesterday! A new record to say the least since my recent hospitalization. Today I am going for the same.

Please get help if you think you may not be doing your best. Whether you are undiagnosed and need to get meds, are diagnosed and not doing well, or have a loved one who meets the above criteria. It is not normal to hear voices or believe things that other people don’t see. Get help! Find a psychiatrist you trust and share as much of your thoughts as possible. And then start taking your meds EVERY day even if you feel you don’t need them.

And never never give up! I have been in the pit again recently and just needed a new perspective on life which I got yesterday.

God is here, God loves us all, we are all very special and deserving of the very best care and treatment. So don’t wait! Be proactive and deal with it all sooner rather than later.

God bless us all!

Pax

Victoria

Humble pie…

Dear readers,

I am humbled once again due to my Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. Having this condition is greatly affected by stress and right now with my mom being in the hospital is deeply impacting me. I couldn’t even pray yesterday and that says a lot.

But I won’t give up, no I know I will come out on top because I believe in God, The Father Almighty who made Heaven and Earth. And He made me and you all and in His creatures He lives and His glory will shine and does shine upon us.

I can’t work but I do a lot for my family and friends and I blog. I blog for me and to help others and to shed some light on this dastard disorder which causes much confusion and sadness.

I prayed to be able to suffer for God and He gave me the gift of Schizophrenia eleven years ago. You can read about the gift here. I got my Masters in Psychology post diagnosis and although I don’t use it to work I do use it in my dealings with friends and family. I know the mind can be a tricky things and although my mind is fractured and I do still suffer from delusions off and on I know I have enough of a brain to know what I need to do next to get me through the rough times.

I am blessed because my husband makes enough money to enable me to not work and although he may be making less money due to changing jobs I believe God will still take care of us. He always does.

I am situation-ally depressed due to my mom but have had some great days of walking and praying and blogging. I was on top of the world when my mom was finally admitted to the hospital and then when she hasn’t gotten better I have let myself go once again to that dark place.

But I know I must never give up and that I must do certain things to prevent another day like yesterday. I must get up and move and not sit all day at my computer. Today I am getting out with a friend and will hopefully go visit my mom and dad. I will go through the motions of getting things done even though all I want to do is get back in bed and basically fake it till I make it. I know what needs to be done and I am willing to do it because I will not just sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore…

Bless you all for your prayers. Even in the darkness I can feel the love of God through all your prayers and they are returned.

I won’t give up!

Pax

Victoria

How great God art…

Dear readers,

I am low this morning but yet I can look up to heaven and proclaim how great the Creator of Heaven and earth is. I can do this because I have the gift of faith, which is great.

I am feeling sadness over the loss of my dad as I knew him. These past three years have been the hardest ever in my life…

I can feel sadness and still look up and be ok. I don’t need to act out upon my sadness but I guess I am through this blog which is a healthy outlet to feel my sadness.

I don’t visit him as often as I used to. But I visited him Sunday and enjoyed being with him during a church service. He had been asking for his wooden bibles that were given to him in 1957. Just sitting with him was special and I thank God he is still alive. He saw me and said “daughter” and I was blessed once again that my dear father is still alive and knows me.

We have already said all that can be said between two people whose love is so strong. We both love God and ice cream and we had both that day…

I am going to get busy in a minute and fight the blues. I am not depressed like before so recently. No this is situational sadness and I know I must do something about it, get dressed, go for a walk, do the dishes and tidy after last night’s wonderful get together to celebrate my son’s birthday which was awesome.

I must not give in to the sadness but focus on things that make me happy other than food. Today tipped the scale at 234. I have decided to weigh every day now to be accountable to my eating and exercising or lack thereof. I must also have a reward for my hard work to fight the blues. And fight I will. No sitting endlessly today at the computer.

I also see my pdoc today to review how the new antidepressant is affecting me. and I have a good report to share that I am no longer depressed. The blinders have fallen away and I am no longer at that dark place I was at just two weeks ago. I am blessed that I am able to recognize my disorder for what it is, just a fractured mind that suffers symptoms sometimes and needs a readjustment from time to time.

I know for me I will always be on meds for schizoaffective disorder, anti-psychotic to keep away the psychosis and antidepressants for the depression and as needed anti-anxiety meds. Yesterday I actually had an anxiety attack which is the first time in a while. But I had my drugs with me so took them and proceeded to manage to shop, cook and clean for my dear son’s party. My son enjoyed all of it and I am blessed to be his mother!

Well I am off now to get busy and do healthy things that make me feel good, mainly walking and listening to music I love while I clean.

Hope ya’ll have a terrific day.

God bless,

Pax

Victoria