Loving God

Today readers, is a letter to God from me

Thank you God for your special gift of Jesus on the Cross and for the special absolution today for my many sins.  I know that by your cross I am saved but I thank you for leading me to the Catholic Faith and for all the sacraments that it offers.

I love you God and know that you are with me every second of every day and that you have led me thus far and will not let me go now.

I lift all my suffering of having this disorder for the many lost souls in this world.  Those who do not know you, those who are misguided, those who speak without knowing what they are saying.  I know I am not perfect but that you are and in this I know my many mistakes are forgiven by you.  I humbly submit to your will wherever that path may take me.

I thank you for this gift of schizophrenia and even when I am not grateful due to all the suffering involved, may I always look to You in all things and be at peace knowing that I am not running the world and that even though I think I may know your will please continue to guide me in all I do and bless everyone reading this please.

In Jesus through Mary,

Victoria

 

Love is the answer…

Dear readers,

I choose love over hate; love over greed; love over sin.

I am in a better space today with everything although the sting of my sister’s words that I can’t possibly be on my mom and dad’s account because I am mentally ill still stings. But I am no longer angry and reeling…

Yesterday I felt like I shouldn’t even be driving because of my mental disorder. I rather call it a mental disorder because mentally ill indicates that I am sick and it proved to be true by my sister’s labeling of who I am.

I am not sick. My brain is fractured, partly broken but I am not sick, no I am disordered, have delusions and obsess over many things. But it is not who I am. No I am much more. I am a wonderful wife, mother, daughter and friend. I am more than my disorder and can do many things which proved to be true yesterday…

The new anti-depressant medicine is really helping me to not be depressed and I will take it. Although I am not gardening yet I was very close to pruning my rose bushes yesterday. I have dealt with much these past few weeks and am much more sane and healthy in my thinking about everything.

I must pray for my sister that she will no longer stigmatize me but come to understanding about mental health conditions. The fact that she has been patronizing me the past few months doesn’t make me angry it just makes me feel like doing more to counteract stigmatization.

When I go to Boston end of April I hope to come to a better understanding of how I as one person can spread the message to others to decrease stigmatization in the world. Having a mental disorder is hard enough but when others put us down because of it it really hurts.

I must choose love and the way of Jesus and Mary praying for a share in their glory in heaven.

I am hoping to go to Mass today after several months since going. This spiritual piece of who I am has been absent and I decided yesterday that I really miss it. I make spiritual communions for all my loved ones but I want to go to Mass to be with others to praise God, hear the Gospel and sermon and partake of the body and blood of Jesus in the Eucharist which will strengthen me…

Pax

Victoria

As a parent I am truly blessed…

Dear readers,

Today is my youngest son’s 20th birthday! He is so special and unique. For those of you following me if you remember, I was concerned with his mental health this past year due to some paranoia and hallucinations. It has since stopped and he is no longer having them. He saw our psychiatrist recently and the doc wasn’t concerned about these brief happenings. I am naturally greatly relieved but know that it is still a possibility but thank God that he is able to go to college full time and play lots of tennis, which he is really good at! And he loves the game so that is what really matters, not how many trophies or tournaments or games he wins. I now ask him instead of if he won, how he played, because that is what I care about, that he did his best, behaved with good sportsmanship and enjoyed the game. I think this perspective is much healthier and I know he appreciates my question.

He is special because we are all special and he is my youngest so he has me wrapped around his finger honestly although he does much for himself now like his own laundry and fixes most of his meals. He helps out around the house and brightens my day when we spend time together. He is my baby, my last child, my love, my friend, my concerned son. May God bless him this day. He is also very smart, funny and quite the philosopher. I have seen great things for him all his life and now that they are coming to be I know that as parents we just have to keep believing in the very best for each and every one of our children.

Now that I am no longer psychotic or depressed I can make his day special, make him homemade waffles for breakfast and his favorite dinner and more importantly be there for him with love and encouragement at every step. I love you Dominic! God bless you on your special day!

As parents it is the greatest moment when one realizes that as a parent we have given them the best of ourselves as often as humanly possible and that is what I have given him and am so proud of how he is turning out! I know he will do great things with his life.

May God bless you all on my son’s birthday,

pax

Victoria

Love is the answer

In all things I do may love be at the forefront of all I do…

for the Divine

for my loved ones, especially my parents, husband and three children

I must love in deed and word

Ignoring my disorder as it causes me to go from project to project without thinking about God and all that is good.

I feed myself with spiritual readings on Eastern philosophies, Catholic teachings especially about Mary who was God’s greatest gift to this world.

Mothers are so special that even God wanted one and it is through her that we have our redemption.  She is perfect and from her I learn how to love.

What has precipitated this post is a situation that caused me much distress within my marriage.  But I asked Mary for guidance and she does not fail to go to the Father who art in heaven and present my needs.  Things are much better now that I was able to be honest with him about my needs.  The Divine is so good and wants good for us all through His love for Mankind and all that he hopes for us to realize in this lifetime!

Pax

Victoria

How do I keep busy while I await….

I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…

I have applied for a job which I might get…

But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.

I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.

Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours.  I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.

I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on.  I also just bought a windchime for the front.  Not windy right now though.

I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations.  This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January.  It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year.  I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to.  Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?

I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts.  I enjoy giving.  IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.

I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication.  Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently.  I have candles burning for different requests.  One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones.  To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!

I do not have much anxiety right now which is good.  I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.

I have a certain sadness because of my dad.  Hoping he makes it another Christmas…

Pax

Victoria

Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.

Pax

Victoria

A very stressful day but made it, glad for a new day though…

Yesterday was very hard and long for me.  My mom had knee replacement surgery and had to be there at 5:45 am, I didn’t sleep much the night before in fact stayed up late to hang out with my 18 yr old son….

So the day was spent waiting for her to come out of surgery and she is frail mind you so there was that scare.  But she did better than fine.  The surgery was three hours though and had to wait a while to see her in recovery.  Some other stressful things to help her get settled but I got through it and went to bed at 9:00pm last night and slept in till 9.

Today is a new day and I am happy to report she is walking around a little with little pain and a very cheery countenance!

I am glad for new days especially after a hard day like yesterday.  Makes me appreciate things more.  Little things like my ice water and lavendar scents make me happy.  Gardened a little today, watering and prepping for new fall plants.

I have my other hobbies as well such as cleaning my house in depth.  Got my list and getting through it one project at a time.  Even painted some indoors to spruce things up.

My other hobbies (goat soap making and other natural products) and collaging are there too when I get done with the deep cleaning of my house and the gardening and yuck weeding out front.

We might be having a party over here in October so my husband is doing his part getting the yards looking good and getting rid of trash and junk!  We have been married 25 years and although he doesn’t really understand my mental disorder, he is there for me in other ways like leaving me be yesterday for the most part when I was just done with the day!

Hope everyone has a good end of September as October is right around the corner, birthday time soon!  48 years young!!!

Pax

Victoria

 

Essential oils brighten my day:)

I bought a pack of essential oils with lemon, rosemary, cedarwood, eucalyptus, orange, peppermint, lavender, stress relief and more…

I have been using them in various recipes that I got out of eat dirt by Dr. Josh Axe.  Today I made deodorant with coconut oil, baking soda and rosemary.  Put it in an old container and have cheap good smelling deodorant!

Tomorrow it is going to be my favorite activity with lavender.  I am making goat soap the easy way and even adding color and lavender dried flowers to them.

Today was a good day.  I painted my kitchen cabinets and the kitchen is so much brighter now!  Feels clean!  Scrubbed my countertops too and got rid of what I don’t use that was taking up space mainly cds.  I am obsessed with Jason MrAz house shows.

I am not always motivated to do jobs around the house or in the gardens so I take the motivation when it comes… and lately because of the CBD oil and other herbal remedies plus the essential oils my motivation level is quite high.

I even applied to two jobs this week that won’t affect my disability if I get it working retail at department stores.  Seems chill.  Not much pay but right now anything helps!

Today is Padre Pio Feast Day September 23 and he answered a novena prayer I was saying with my daughter in a big way!  God is so good!

My disorder is in check right now.  I still take my medicines twice a day faithfully and everything else I do on top of it is just supplementation not instead of.  I have resigned to the fact that I will be taking Risperdal and Latuda along with Lexapro and my anti-anxiety drugs every day for the rest of my life.

Finding creative ways to make life pleasureable is half the fun, the other half is living my life with a purpose!

Still waiting for several things to happen, my second book should be published 2018, and I will find out hopefully this month if I qualify for permanent disablility or not.

My mom is also having surgery for a knee replacement this next week so appreciate any prayers anyone can muster!

Life is good!  Doesn’t have to be a pity party even when I am unmotivated….

Pax

Victoria

 

C