The agony is real….

Whatever one can imagine to be the darkest place and then to come into the Cross as the only place that makes sense.

I am again at a crossroads in my recovery.  Trying to quit smoking, made it half the day ha ha progress or defeat the next few days will tell.  Was vaping but some lady approached me and told me they had just buried her friend’s son who had died from vaping.  So sad.  I threw it all away in trashcans where they will be discarded not searched through.

Trying out the patch.  It definitely helps but took it off today because I wanted to go in the pool and sauna at my gym.  Didn’t make it after all because of the smoking.

Trying to learn from  my mistakes.  It’s simple, don’t pick up the first one duh!

But for this 50 year old sometimes crazy Schizophrenia survivor the fight is real.





Shared Psychotic Disorder…

Dear readers,

I have Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder for sure. But there are some elements of my psychotic period when other people believed in my delusions which makes it very hard to fathom that I am not as special as I once thought…

I spent the day yesterday with my adult daughter who is going through a rough time. We spent the whole day in between my psychiatrist’s appointment and a my sons college tennis match talking about everything. We talked about her and her difficulties and it is good I can be there for her and one thing she brought up was the trauma she experienced of losing her mother for that time after I received the gift of schizophrenia back in 2006 when she was 13. It was very hard to hear how traumatized she was when I sort of disappeared.

It’s weird because I still cooked and cleaned but I was in my own world as I still am now but am much more accessible to all my children. But I still suffer from symptoms or delusions at times and there are some parts of my disorder that are very hard to wrap my brain around.

In our last discussion I talked to her about the time that the devil attacked her when she was sleeping and she was paralyzed physically until I prayed over her. This happened twice in one night and it was very scary. But I prayed for the precious blood of Jesus to end the attacks and it stopped them. My explanation for these occurrences is that even the devil believed I was very special and attacked my daughter because of it. The devil leaves me alone now except to entice me to sin, which unfortunately I give into more times than I like to admit although I am currently winning and pray it continues.

This makes my disorder very hard to talk about and I am not sure if I would be the best one to talk about having Schizophrenia because of it.

There are other times when others believed too that I was very special and although I won’t get into them here because they are very confusing and real. But they happened.

The confusion this causes me is extremely painful and has only happened once since beginning treatment. I feel like when I step outside of God’s will that it may happen again but for now things are quiet.

It will be interesting to see how God allows or disallows me to do these interviews and maybe even a Ted talk. It is very clear to me that God does not want me to work. Every time I try to work something weird happens and I am forced to quit; the most recent time was in my teaching at community college job which I enjoyed immensely until two students got into a verbal fight in the classroom and the stress of the college allowing both of them return to the classroom was too great for me to handle.

Although there is confusion I can still share my message of hope for others who suffer too as I have much hope to give.

Lately I have been suffering a lot due to my disorder but after talking to my psychiatrist and sharing all that has happened this past month he said that even a person without a mental disorder would be struggling and have a need for a lot of down days.

I know that walking helps my brain so will be doing more of that every day I can. Yesterday I walked 4 miles and was so tired by the end of the day but it helped my mental state a lot.

Have any of you had unexplained shared psychotic disorder in your path to recovery? Does any of this make sense that others would receive messages too. Am I special or just disordered.

These questions haunt me and I will be praying very hard to know God’s will concerning me speaking about my disorder with this in mind. Thank you for your prayers as well. I don’t want to misrepresent Schizophrenia and when I call it a gift and lately I don’t feel so much like it is a gift anymore due to the pain it has caused my loved ones.

But I am excited for several opportunities that are coming up and their possibilities. When I was teaching last year I didn’t feel disordered at all but in speaking about my disorder as a common activity I wonder if it will make me feel disordered again as after yesterday talking so much with my daughter about it I’m really not sure how I feel.

For now I will do the interviews and see how God leads. I only want to be in His will whatever that is… It may be an interesting time ahead or it may just be me talking about my disorder. We shall see how God leads…

Thank you for reading and comments are welcome and always helpful in discerning God’s will…



As a parent I am truly blessed…

Dear readers,

Today is my youngest son’s 20th birthday! He is so special and unique. For those of you following me if you remember, I was concerned with his mental health this past year due to some paranoia and hallucinations. It has since stopped and he is no longer having them. He saw our psychiatrist recently and the doc wasn’t concerned about these brief happenings. I am naturally greatly relieved but know that it is still a possibility but thank God that he is able to go to college full time and play lots of tennis, which he is really good at! And he loves the game so that is what really matters, not how many trophies or tournaments or games he wins. I now ask him instead of if he won, how he played, because that is what I care about, that he did his best, behaved with good sportsmanship and enjoyed the game. I think this perspective is much healthier and I know he appreciates my question.

He is special because we are all special and he is my youngest so he has me wrapped around his finger honestly although he does much for himself now like his own laundry and fixes most of his meals. He helps out around the house and brightens my day when we spend time together. He is my baby, my last child, my love, my friend, my concerned son. May God bless him this day. He is also very smart, funny and quite the philosopher. I have seen great things for him all his life and now that they are coming to be I know that as parents we just have to keep believing in the very best for each and every one of our children.

Now that I am no longer psychotic or depressed I can make his day special, make him homemade waffles for breakfast and his favorite dinner and more importantly be there for him with love and encouragement at every step. I love you Dominic! God bless you on your special day!

As parents it is the greatest moment when one realizes that as a parent we have given them the best of ourselves as often as humanly possible and that is what I have given him and am so proud of how he is turning out! I know he will do great things with his life.

May God bless you all on my son’s birthday,



Hard day, week and month! But not giving up kind of…

Dear readers,

Won’t rehash it here but it’s been tough and last night I thought I was relapsing with my Schizophrenia due to the recent stress of my teaching job.  Felt like every song that came on the radio was for me but today I am not thinking that way and I am glad.

One of my delusions is that I believe that God does not want me to work.  Well I almost gave up my class yesterday due to lack of support by the college where I work.  But alas, today the dean of students met with me and provided me needed support.  I didn’t say much, just let him explain this one challenging student’s background and stressors and came away knowing that once again I had judged someone unfairly.

The best part is that this student is now addressing by my name, Mrs. Alonso and treating me with respect rather than with rudeness.  Don’t know if I have won him over yet with my continued kindness and respect and time will tell but felt good to be respected and treated in a positive way rather than the opposite.

Not that I need pats on my back or anything but it has been a hard semester at many levels.  Last night I almost gave up, as I was feeling like I have so many times before when I have given up due to stress but my daughter stepped in and helped me to see differently and today I pushed through class, making one big mistake, but also doing a good job at what I enjoy.

It is hard to put into words but in the past I have let people down, my coworkers, my clients (used to be a therapist), parents and although I believe every decision was the right one at the time.  I pushed through this delusion and I believe like I won for once.

It is just so hard to separate between reality and delusional thought.  If God wanted something from me previously, I used to ask for guidance from above and I felt like He would show me His will for me and others.  Now I don’t know how to believe like a normal person anymore and with this I now can see my struggle.  Sure God can speak to us through obscure and clear means and I do believe God wants the best for me and all.  But the devil is out to get me too and I pray to God to help me to be in the now in reality not a fantasy world where I believe God doesn’t want me to work.

Does any of this make sense?

I am a little melancholy after these stressors, mom and dad almost dying, class conflicts involving the police and other stuff too.

But I will fight for my sanity and have decided I am not going to teach at this college next semester for various reasons but God help me I am going to finish up this semester strong and give my students love for sociology.  I will look into online teaching and see if I can make money writing journal articles which I do enjoy doing research.

Hope everyone has a great Friday and sorry that i am a little down but I am just taking it easy tonight and trying to hang on to what sanity I have and live my life  full force!



Stress brought on new relapse, going to start Clozapine Monday!

Hello to all!

Stress, as I have written about before, is my biggest enemy with this disorder.  This time it was helping a family member that caused me to relapse into a world of my own.  Oh I look fine on the outside except I am dressed very warm because I am need the warmth right now.

So I went to see my psychiatrist last week and I asked if we could try Clozapine.  He said, “oh the big gun”.  I never knew it was called that.  I wonder why he didn’t try it before after all here I am and I can’t even hold down a job.  But after all the rigmarole I understand now why he did not prescribe it sooner.

First you have to do bloodwork every week for a period and then biweekly and then I believe monthly.  They have to monitor my white blood count to make sure it doesn’t go too low.  So I did that the next day.  Then I go to the pharmacy and they didn’t have it in stock so they sent it to another pharmacy I have never dealt with and they shall be nameless but their service is less to be desired than my regular pharmacy Walmart.

So I am working with my pharmacy and they say I have to be in some registry for this special drug… I had to wait for my busy doctor to enroll me and by the time he did it was too late to get my medicine on Friday and they won’t update the registry until Monday so Monday it is.

I am staying close to home, trying to use my coping skills right now because I feel so unwell.  I have had to disclose my disorder to a few people since I had to stop helping this family member who needs a lot of help and attention.  I had to step back due to her negativity.

I am surrounding myself with positive people and vaping my cbd oil which has helped in the past and helped me to get these thoughts out on here in my safe blog.  I am listening to my fave music, Jason Mraz, who is so amazing.

My son and daughter have also been here with me every step, believing in me and supporting me.  My husband doesn’t get it but is being as understanding as he can be.

I haven’t visited my dad since Monday but may go tomorrow if I feel up to it.  I’m taking it easy right now, being very gentle with myself and trying to stay positive.  I have heard great things about this medicine so I have hope that next week may bring some needed relief.



No longer delusional… so happy to say!

Hello Readers,

Tonight it finally happened, the deepest delusion fell away at some bizarre thought I had and it had to do with publishing my book.

This is tremendous news and I feel so happy about it!  The weight of the world is off of my shoulders and I praise God for helping me to get to the bottom of this conundrum.  It has been a mystery for so long, since 2006 so many nights ago…



Quality reading and experiencing psychotic symptoms again

I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there!  I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary.  Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.

For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others.  I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for.  But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him.  He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense.  I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.

On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again.  I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this.  I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.

I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time.  It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that.  But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.

After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability.  I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree.  Perhaps I will do that.  Who knows what the future holds.  Not I, nor do I want to know the future.

Well that is all for now.  It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.



Greater is the depth of sadness Than any height of gladness

Greater is the depth  of sadness

Than any height of gladness

Thoreau wrote that and I feel it right now with my dad having 2 strokes since July 2,2016, being paralyzed on his left side, unable to speak much but still enjoys when I bring him coffee or ice cream.  I love my dad and miss talking to him so much but it is still good that I still have him and I appreciate every minute.  The depth of my sadness is intense and doesn’t cease except when I am asleep.  And I sleep good thanks to the medicine that knocks me right out, and I sleep in till 9 or ten every day and I fall asleep by midnight.

Has any one else felt this sadness?



The circle of life


My circle of life has come round full circle today, yes it is my birthday but I don’t wish for happy birthdays or congratulations.  Instead I am taking quiet moments by myself to think and ponder on the greatness of life and what my mental illness means to me.

It means so much…When I was psychotic I was on a different plane of existence.  It was beautiful, awesome and scary all at the same time.  Now that I am on medication the symptoms are managed but I have awakened spiritually since that first encounter in 2008, 8 years ago.  I am much more in tuned with God and feel at peace being on medication.

I was supposed to work today but God had other plans.  I felt sick and got out of work, came home and took a 3 hour nap and now am just relaxing before I go out to dinner with my loving family.  I watched a Ted talk on spirituality vs psychosis and found it to be very interesting.  I would be revered in certain cultures and encouraged to be psychotic or spiritually attuned.  The stigma of mental illness would not follow me, instead I would be mentored by someone else who had undergone the same sorts of experiences.

Wow! That is an amazing thought to have on my birthday!

Yet, I know that I will never go off my medication as there are no cultures here that support this type of life.

But in the same breath I can say that my spiritual life is very good right now.  I pray upon awakening and throughout the day and before retiring at night.  I believe in God the Father Almighty who made heaven and earth!

May the God of our understanding comfort you all in all your trials and experiences whether medicated or not.  We each have our own path and walk it the best we can.  For me it is what it is and I don’t regret it.



Delusional still? a conversation


Having SA is very hard.  Even on medication the voices stop but the delusions remain although to a much lesser degree.  I go about my days and constantly pray for God’s will for my life and naive as I am I expect God to guide me and some days it appears he does and others I feel without assistance.  Are these my delusions to believe that God will make his will known to me still?

When I was actively psychotic I had a direct line to God or so I thought.  He would give me messages mainly for people to change their lives and do the right thing and there were times when I was dead on as my spiritual advisor can attest to but there were other times when none of it came to be in fact things even turned out quite the opposite from what I thought was going to happen.

I sought help when my life became so dysfunctional that I was falling apart and was becoming unable to take care of daily tasks because I was receiving so many messages.  Ah, the quiet that came after my admittance to the hospital was great although it still took a while for the messages to stop coming.

One dear priest who I sent many messages to even when I was at UCLA has since deceased and I believe he is in heaven now watching over me in the care of God.  Dear Fr. Melito what do you say now?  Were you right to ignore me this child of God or were you supposed to become my spiritual advisor the way God directed you through me?  I will never know now that he is gone.  May his soul rest in peace, Amen.

But back to the delusions going away.  I guess they really haven’t but my life has become more manageable even boring to some extent.  I fulfill my duties as wife, mother and daughter and friend to the best of my ability but somehow I still feel I am a part of a greater plan that only God knows which he will reveal to me if not now then when I die.  So although some may classify me as still being delusional that I am very special, I can go about my life and find meaning in every day things like walking, gardening and reading and helping others.

I take my medication faithfully every day, the other day I think I missed my morning antipsychotic and I had a really bad day but I am not sure because I never miss a day and am not willing to stop taking it to find out if the messages will return.

Please take the poll below if you are so inclined.  I have to say yes due to the aforementioned mentality that still is a part of who I am.  I think many of us with this disorder do still suffer from delusions, for some reason the medicine stops the voices and hallucinations but the delusions seem to remain but to a lesser degree, no I take that back to a less interfering with daily life degree.