I have Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder for sure. But there are some elements of my psychotic period when other people believed in my delusions which makes it very hard to fathom that I am not as special as I once thought…
I spent the day yesterday with my adult daughter who is going through a rough time. We spent the whole day in between my psychiatrist’s appointment and a my sons college tennis match talking about everything. We talked about her and her difficulties and it is good I can be there for her and one thing she brought up was the trauma she experienced of losing her mother for that time after I received the gift of schizophrenia back in 2006 when she was 13. It was very hard to hear how traumatized she was when I sort of disappeared.
It’s weird because I still cooked and cleaned but I was in my own world as I still am now but am much more accessible to all my children. But I still suffer from symptoms or delusions at times and there are some parts of my disorder that are very hard to wrap my brain around.
In our last discussion I talked to her about the time that the devil attacked her when she was sleeping and she was paralyzed physically until I prayed over her. This happened twice in one night and it was very scary. But I prayed for the precious blood of Jesus to end the attacks and it stopped them. My explanation for these occurrences is that even the devil believed I was very special and attacked my daughter because of it. The devil leaves me alone now except to entice me to sin, which unfortunately I give into more times than I like to admit although I am currently winning and pray it continues.
This makes my disorder very hard to talk about and I am not sure if I would be the best one to talk about having Schizophrenia because of it.
There are other times when others believed too that I was very special and although I won’t get into them here because they are very confusing and real. But they happened.
The confusion this causes me is extremely painful and has only happened once since beginning treatment. I feel like when I step outside of God’s will that it may happen again but for now things are quiet.
It will be interesting to see how God allows or disallows me to do these interviews and maybe even a Ted talk. It is very clear to me that God does not want me to work. Every time I try to work something weird happens and I am forced to quit; the most recent time was in my teaching at community college job which I enjoyed immensely until two students got into a verbal fight in the classroom and the stress of the college allowing both of them return to the classroom was too great for me to handle.
Although there is confusion I can still share my message of hope for others who suffer too as I have much hope to give.
Lately I have been suffering a lot due to my disorder but after talking to my psychiatrist and sharing all that has happened this past month he said that even a person without a mental disorder would be struggling and have a need for a lot of down days.
I know that walking helps my brain so will be doing more of that every day I can. Yesterday I walked 4 miles and was so tired by the end of the day but it helped my mental state a lot.
Have any of you had unexplained shared psychotic disorder in your path to recovery? Does any of this make sense that others would receive messages too. Am I special or just disordered.
These questions haunt me and I will be praying very hard to know God’s will concerning me speaking about my disorder with this in mind. Thank you for your prayers as well. I don’t want to misrepresent Schizophrenia and when I call it a gift and lately I don’t feel so much like it is a gift anymore due to the pain it has caused my loved ones.
But I am excited for several opportunities that are coming up and their possibilities. When I was teaching last year I didn’t feel disordered at all but in speaking about my disorder as a common activity I wonder if it will make me feel disordered again as after yesterday talking so much with my daughter about it I’m really not sure how I feel.
For now I will do the interviews and see how God leads. I only want to be in His will whatever that is… It may be an interesting time ahead or it may just be me talking about my disorder. We shall see how God leads…
Thank you for reading and comments are welcome and always helpful in discerning God’s will…