update

Dear readers,

I don’t blog much these days but life has been crazy.

I am learning what works for me, what motivates me and how to deal with some difficult emotions found around those I love, tears, smiles and a lot more. But for the most part I am doing really well despite this difficult diagnosis.

Some of the things I do to stay well is to every day do the following:

Deep breaths

prayer

read my bible

self care

garden (ok not every day)

Keep my house up

take care of my doggies

take care of the bills, taxes, cars, houses and paperwork

read inspirational books and articles or watch Tedtalks

exercise several times a week (yoga, walking, cleaning house, and going to start interval running.

and last but not least I listen to inspirational music mainly Jason Mraz (ok I am obsessed with him and his music ha ha)

Life is pretty good right now except for some minor anxiety. I also take a few supplements NAC, CBD oil full spectrum (because of taking this oil I am no longer delusional) and magnesium. I also take my anti-psychotic meds every day no matter how I feel.

I don’t feel the need to blog as much as I used to because the delusions are gone. Come to find out the book I wrote I was delusional while writing it. When I reread it (which is rare) I find that I don’t remember even writing it. I remember my delusions and although I am free of them it’s nice to be free!

Hope all of you are doing well!

Prayers,

pax

Victoria

Have it all…

God wants us to have it all!  Heaven, peace, wellness, all that is good and pure.  All that is evil will melt away.  So be it amen.

in heaven there will be no suffering especially the mentally disordered.  Although we do suffer now.  I’m starting to think that mental illness is evil, deceptive, misunderstood and the source of much decisiveness.

Don’t know how to change this except to blog about it.

I have a mental disorder, Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder.  I am recovered mostly except for some anxiety.

I have fought hard since 2006 to be recovered and God has allowed it through His grace and greatness.

Pax

Victoria

Suffering no longer, at peace with self and God…

Dear readers,

I pray you are all well…

I have been on a streak of good days, enjoying time with the hubbie and kids and dogs (Butter is still my favorite pup though).  Time at the beach, time in the garden, time to relax, time to clean and organize.

Do you see a theme here?  I do.  I am no longer suffering and will take it.

I am living my life symptom free.

Oh I take my meds!  Faithfully.  Along with supplements, cbd oil mainly, therapy, good reading and making time for prayer.  Even have snuck in some yoga and meditation.  And walking again.  4 miles today:) and at the beach!

God is good.  I have no complaints.

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Suffering still but grateful not hearing voices still…

It’s been 13 years of being afflicted with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder tonight.

When I was little crying was my pasttime.  Crying because things weren’t fair; crying because sadness overwhelmed me.  Now it is known that those times were a precursor to my disorders.

I can’t hide anymore, no I must be honest that I am still suffering but in the midst of this suffering I found someone else who had been afflicted longer than me and she still hears voices.

I am so grateful that I no longer hear voices and thanks to CBD oil my delusions are fading to a great degree.

But the depression still gets to me at times.  But even in that I am grateful because I am not as bad as many other people who are suffering from deep depression or who are undiagnosed and just so unhappy and don’t know why.

Depression, psychosis, voices, delusions are all a part of Schizoaffective Disorder and if you have any of these symptoms all I can say is to check it out.

Fight for the best care; fight to get answers; fight for your life and don’t give up no I will say it again never give up.  You are good enough, strong enough even if it means asking for help.

I’ve been there on the receiving end and am now on the giving end and although I am grateful that I am much much better these days I am here if anyone want to say hello or lean on me for support.

Pax

Victoria

I have it now…

Dear readers,

I have peace, motivation, and productivity now.

My support system is in place and so much good going on.

But that may all change tomorrow lol

Will take it when I have it, so grateful that today, which started out with strange dreams, is coming to pass to be a very good productive day.

I do want heaven one day but for now I feel I have heaven on earth.

I have people in my life who love and support me and remind me to get off my butt and do things, which almost always helps.

Today my husband as he was leaving to work at 7 reminded me to do things in a way that he took notice of my activity which as of late has been ok but not great.  He reminded me to garden, which I did and not to just sit around all day watching my shows.  I do do that but do get some stuff done.  Well today my list of accomplishments is mile high and I feel really good about that.

Yesterday and the day before I was at a lost for what to do which sucked because I have this amazing vacation coming up and I am sure I could have been more productive but was not.  Ah well, can’t get those days back.

I am either hot or cold lately.  The other day I did a 5K in 68 minutes and was wiped out for a couple of days.  Ever since my surgeries haven’t been able to do three miles consistently.  But I did three miles+ with just one five minute break in between.

I do wish I was this motivated every day but know that is not possible with this disorder.  Now that my husband sees that I cannot work due to the stress involved I see myself not having any more relapses.  I’ve been pretty stress free and know how to keep my stress at bay.

CBD oil by GoTerpy helps with my anxiety and delusions along with my anti-anxiety meds.  But taking very little of that too lately because I know my triggers and can control them for the most part!

Will be gone a week in Hawaii starting Saturday so enjoy the break from my ramblings and take it easy too!

Aloha!

Pax

Victoria

Loving God

Today readers, is a letter to God from me

Thank you God for your special gift of Jesus on the Cross and for the special absolution today for my many sins.  I know that by your cross I am saved but I thank you for leading me to the Catholic Faith and for all the sacraments that it offers.

I love you God and know that you are with me every second of every day and that you have led me thus far and will not let me go now.

I lift all my suffering of having this disorder for the many lost souls in this world.  Those who do not know you, those who are misguided, those who speak without knowing what they are saying.  I know I am not perfect but that you are and in this I know my many mistakes are forgiven by you.  I humbly submit to your will wherever that path may take me.

I thank you for this gift of schizophrenia and even when I am not grateful due to all the suffering involved, may I always look to You in all things and be at peace knowing that I am not running the world and that even though I think I may know your will please continue to guide me in all I do and bless everyone reading this please.

In Jesus through Mary,

Victoria

 

Therapy helped with psychotic moment…

Dear readers,

I believe we are vulnerable people. Stress, lack of sleep, illness and remembering our past psychotic experiences can be problematic as is what happened to me yesterday. I experienced all of this in one day and I also believe the devil was at play because of yesterday’s post about Jesus being the way, the truth and the light…

By the end of the day I was a wreck and one of my memories before meds and diagnosis is of the voice of Jesus telling me 5 things, all but one of which have come to be in a weird and disordered way. The fifth thing is about one of my children and I won’t get into it but did discuss it with my therapist recently as an event is coming to pass which will mean that it was not the voice of Jesus. She challenge the voice and its meaning and I defended my position that I knew what the voice meant and it did not help me.

When people challenge my delusions I become angry and unreasonable. This is a sign that it is a delusion I have learned.

Well yesterday in a fit of confusion and psychotic moment I wrote in my journal, very weak and in pencil, help me God, help me God, help me God. Then I started to write about my fears but erased it because my husband came in and said I looked ok but looks can be wrong. I had prompted this response from him but knew I just couldn’t share my fears with him at this point. Prior to meds God told me he was going to die and I told him and he thought I was nuts naturally. When he didn’t die I was greatly relieved as God also told me when it would happen. I held my breath all of the month of September 2007. Once again things did not work out.

I should really take a look at how confused I was from 2016 to 2018 and not believe any of it. But delusions are strong and fierce and I never know what will set them off.

Anyway after I wrote to God to help me I had the excellent idea to call my therapist for a phone session. I talked to her later that night and it was very helpful this time. She gently helped me to see things for what they really were about my son and what I thought Jesus had told me. Gently worked because it was beautifully said and received and I no longer believe it was the voice of Jesus but that it was my disorder instead. This is great recovery from a mental disorder.

I have recently shared that my other delusions were smashed. And that was painful. Might bring it up to my therapist next session. May God help her! This is the longest I have seen the same therapist ever. And although she isn’t perfect she is a very good sounding board.

I decided to take a break from the computer as that also was a factor in my demise into delusions again yesterday. But I wanted to share with anyone who reads this the chain of events that has led to this recovery state of being less delusional. My friends and family try to help but in the end it is my therapist who is most helpful.

I have made a few decisions after reading my bible and really trying to disconnect from electronics and toxic people. I decided to delete my email from my phone for this blog. With all the projects coming up I check it way too often and honestly don’t want to be as accessible at the drop of a hat.

I also decided that I am going to choose isolation in preference to people’s company. I have a few good friends but lately most of these gatherings leave me in a state of discontent. A good friend of mine is having surgery Monday so I will go visit her but not overstay or visit too much. My family will be the awesome exception as God gave them to me and I enjoy being with them and being myself which is kind and sometimes funny. I had the giggles the other day as my children were really being funny and it was great fun.

Off to Hawaii soon and will be taking a break from blogging and computer during vacation. I love to snorkel! Just saying. I looked up the meaning of Aloha yesterday and knew it meant more than hello and goodbye and read it also means love and affection especially the spirit of aloha. Very fitting for my son’s wedding and possible grandchild they will be trying to conceive on their honeymoon. So much good stuff to look forward to.

I also have my video for SAMSHA on March 23rd an all day event I have found out. They are filming it in a local hotel and asked me to bring personal items to make it look more like home. I will bring my favorite pics of my family for sure but am also wondering what else to bring. Anybody have any suggestions email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Thanks and God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Does one still suffer from Schizophrenia in recovery?

Dear readers,

Yes and no. Some days are still hard for me but other days are wonderful. I think it may be mind over matter. I prayed to be able to suffer for God and was given the gift of Schizophrenia and much suffering ensued. I lift up all my suffering for those who suffer as well not only with this disorder but also for those impoverished, ignored, unstable for any reason and especially those who have no one to pray for them.

I believe God hears my prayers and although there are days I wish I didn’t pray that prayer, today is not one of them.

I am developing new habits and accomplishing much, spiritual, physical and mental. I read a book recently (can’t remember the title) and it was about how to change your life through habits.

Every day we have a thousand decisions to make and every day we waste time and energy on these decisions. Well the key to success for me is to no longer make these decisions but to have them made for me as habits.

Getting into the habit of reading my bible, praying my rosary, doing my workouts, cleaning my house and space clearing my junk or treasures to someone else that they may help along this road we call life.

Today I woke up early and was going to go back to bed but then I got busy taking care of the mundane and no longer felt the need to go back to bed.

So to answer my original posted question. Not so much anymore today. Because I am so much more than my disorder. I am who God made me to be and although I have been on a new spiritual journey these past 12 hours have realized that I already know the meaning to life. I don’t have to seek out a spiritual guide because the answer is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the light of the world. And although He allows our suffering to exist although sometimes we get stuck all of our suffering is for a purpose and all we have to do is ask Him into our hearts and He will enter.

Our God is a kind benevolent God who will not dare to impose himself on us unless we are Paul of Taurus. He comes in when we ask, and all we have to do is ask. Jesus suffered so much as did His mother. Was it for naught? I know it is not so. His redemptive grace is just that, it saves us and we can walk in the light if we choose to or continue on in the darkness due to our selfish ways.

All we have to do is ask the Holy Spirit to guide us in our days and He will lead us to places beyond our imaginations. And as people with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder our imaginations are pretty awesome and vast.

I am blessed to be a child of God and need nothing more in my life. Possessions don’t possess me. Although I have my many comforts in life I am starting to realize that I don’t even need them anymore. But they are there when I need them.

Pax

Victoria

With suffering comes pearls…

Just wanted to add to today’s post something that I read after posting, that I see as something for all of us. That is that with suffering comes pearls so I am going to be a great big pearl now and in heaven one day.

I see much of my angst as being an attack from the devil for all the good that I may do with this upcoming video and other endeavours in the future.

My delusions may be smashed but I no longer feel sad about it.

I can make the difference that I wish to see in the world and that is one small person who will speak up for all of us who have no voice. The mentally disordered population. I will fight stigma and that is now my main purpose in life.

It feels good to know that I will be doing good and I am going to run with it. I must fight against negative habits one at a time or maybe all at once and live a life that makes sense that there is a God who loves us all and wants each one of us to live the very best life we can, disorder and all.

I am a fighter and will not give up or in to negative behaviors!

Peace to you all.

I will leave you today with a quote from a huge book I found yesterday that was my father’s who has so much wisdom I think he got much of it from this book called The New Dictionary of Thoughts which is 750 pages. It inspires me greatly.

I must fill my mind with scripture and good reading to fight the apathy and when I can’t I will look back at my life and see how far I have come in these past eleven years…

“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy~ ” Mrs. Hermans

Pax

Victoria

Featuring non-profit Students with Schizophrenia

Dear readers,

On my trip to Boston I met an intelligent young lady with Schizophrenia who was the CEO for Students with Schizophrenia Her work is admirable especially reaching out to students as the name indicates.

If you you are a student with Schizophrenia you might want to apply to get involved with this organization at your school. Let’s support organizations like these that promote de-stigmatization and reach many.

On a personal note I am doing just ok these days. The trip was a high for me being involved again in something worthwhile and feeling like I have a purpose. Isn’t that what we all want is to know what our purpose is in life?

For me now that I am no longer working I have decided to become a spokesperson for people with Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder to put a face on these disorders so that others will get help and feel less alone through the rough times.

I am most likely going to be doing the ad for SAMSHA end of March. This will be a great start and one I am looking forward to. I am also still awaiting further opportunities with Snow Companies as a patient ambassador (although I hate the term patient, I am not sick, I have a disorder). But if I am selected for this will be doing speaking engagements around the country and we shall see what God permits.

I haven’t been blogging much because I don’t have much to say these days. I know God is good and that I am doing better than ever on my medicine regimen and seeing a therapist as needed. Not too much drama happy to report but again with drama there is excitement and without it I get bored.

I feel like I am boring lately so will have to find my inspiration again and get back to my daily blog.

Thanks for reading and check out Students with Schizophrenia if that interests you!

Pax

Victoria