I believe we are vulnerable people. Stress, lack of sleep, illness and remembering our past psychotic experiences can be problematic as is what happened to me yesterday. I experienced all of this in one day and I also believe the devil was at play because of yesterday’s post about Jesus being the way, the truth and the light…
By the end of the day I was a wreck and one of my memories before meds and diagnosis is of the voice of Jesus telling me 5 things, all but one of which have come to be in a weird and disordered way. The fifth thing is about one of my children and I won’t get into it but did discuss it with my therapist recently as an event is coming to pass which will mean that it was not the voice of Jesus. She challenge the voice and its meaning and I defended my position that I knew what the voice meant and it did not help me.
When people challenge my delusions I become angry and unreasonable. This is a sign that it is a delusion I have learned.
Well yesterday in a fit of confusion and psychotic moment I wrote in my journal, very weak and in pencil, help me God, help me God, help me God. Then I started to write about my fears but erased it because my husband came in and said I looked ok but looks can be wrong. I had prompted this response from him but knew I just couldn’t share my fears with him at this point. Prior to meds God told me he was going to die and I told him and he thought I was nuts naturally. When he didn’t die I was greatly relieved as God also told me when it would happen. I held my breath all of the month of September 2007. Once again things did not work out.
I should really take a look at how confused I was from 2016 to 2018 and not believe any of it. But delusions are strong and fierce and I never know what will set them off.
Anyway after I wrote to God to help me I had the excellent idea to call my therapist for a phone session. I talked to her later that night and it was very helpful this time. She gently helped me to see things for what they really were about my son and what I thought Jesus had told me. Gently worked because it was beautifully said and received and I no longer believe it was the voice of Jesus but that it was my disorder instead. This is great recovery from a mental disorder.
I have recently shared that my other delusions were smashed. And that was painful. Might bring it up to my therapist next session. May God help her! This is the longest I have seen the same therapist ever. And although she isn’t perfect she is a very good sounding board.
I decided to take a break from the computer as that also was a factor in my demise into delusions again yesterday. But I wanted to share with anyone who reads this the chain of events that has led to this recovery state of being less delusional. My friends and family try to help but in the end it is my therapist who is most helpful.
I have made a few decisions after reading my bible and really trying to disconnect from electronics and toxic people. I decided to delete my email from my phone for this blog. With all the projects coming up I check it way too often and honestly don’t want to be as accessible at the drop of a hat.
I also decided that I am going to choose isolation in preference to people’s company. I have a few good friends but lately most of these gatherings leave me in a state of discontent. A good friend of mine is having surgery Monday so I will go visit her but not overstay or visit too much. My family will be the awesome exception as God gave them to me and I enjoy being with them and being myself which is kind and sometimes funny. I had the giggles the other day as my children were really being funny and it was great fun.
Off to Hawaii soon and will be taking a break from blogging and computer during vacation. I love to snorkel! Just saying. I looked up the meaning of Aloha yesterday and knew it meant more than hello and goodbye and read it also means love and affection especially the spirit of aloha. Very fitting for my son’s wedding and possible grandchild they will be trying to conceive on their honeymoon. So much good stuff to look forward to.
I also have my video for SAMSHA on March 23rd an all day event I have found out. They are filming it in a local hotel and asked me to bring personal items to make it look more like home. I will bring my favorite pics of my family for sure but am also wondering what else to bring. Anybody have any suggestions email me at email@example.com
Thanks and God bless!