Suffering no longer, at peace with self and God…

Dear readers,

I pray you are all well…

I have been on a streak of good days, enjoying time with the hubbie and kids and dogs (Butter is still my favorite pup though).  Time at the beach, time in the garden, time to relax, time to clean and organize.

Do you see a theme here?  I do.  I am no longer suffering and will take it.

I am living my life symptom free.

Oh I take my meds!  Faithfully.  Along with supplements, cbd oil mainly, therapy, good reading and making time for prayer.  Even have snuck in some yoga and meditation.  And walking again.  4 miles today:) and at the beach!

God is good.  I have no complaints.

God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Suffering still but grateful not hearing voices still…

It’s been 13 years of being afflicted with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder tonight.

When I was little crying was my pasttime.  Crying because things weren’t fair; crying because sadness overwhelmed me.  Now it is known that those times were a precursor to my disorders.

I can’t hide anymore, no I must be honest that I am still suffering but in the midst of this suffering I found someone else who had been afflicted longer than me and she still hears voices.

I am so grateful that I no longer hear voices and thanks to CBD oil my delusions are fading to a great degree.

But the depression still gets to me at times.  But even in that I am grateful because I am not as bad as many other people who are suffering from deep depression or who are undiagnosed and just so unhappy and don’t know why.

Depression, psychosis, voices, delusions are all a part of Schizoaffective Disorder and if you have any of these symptoms all I can say is to check it out.

Fight for the best care; fight to get answers; fight for your life and don’t give up no I will say it again never give up.  You are good enough, strong enough even if it means asking for help.

I’ve been there on the receiving end and am now on the giving end and although I am grateful that I am much much better these days I am here if anyone want to say hello or lean on me for support.

Pax

Victoria

I have it now…

Dear readers,

I have peace, motivation, and productivity now.

My support system is in place and so much good going on.

But that may all change tomorrow lol

Will take it when I have it, so grateful that today, which started out with strange dreams, is coming to pass to be a very good productive day.

I do want heaven one day but for now I feel I have heaven on earth.

I have people in my life who love and support me and remind me to get off my butt and do things, which almost always helps.

Today my husband as he was leaving to work at 7 reminded me to do things in a way that he took notice of my activity which as of late has been ok but not great.  He reminded me to garden, which I did and not to just sit around all day watching my shows.  I do do that but do get some stuff done.  Well today my list of accomplishments is mile high and I feel really good about that.

Yesterday and the day before I was at a lost for what to do which sucked because I have this amazing vacation coming up and I am sure I could have been more productive but was not.  Ah well, can’t get those days back.

I am either hot or cold lately.  The other day I did a 5K in 68 minutes and was wiped out for a couple of days.  Ever since my surgeries haven’t been able to do three miles consistently.  But I did three miles+ with just one five minute break in between.

I do wish I was this motivated every day but know that is not possible with this disorder.  Now that my husband sees that I cannot work due to the stress involved I see myself not having any more relapses.  I’ve been pretty stress free and know how to keep my stress at bay.

CBD oil by GoTerpy helps with my anxiety and delusions along with my anti-anxiety meds.  But taking very little of that too lately because I know my triggers and can control them for the most part!

Will be gone a week in Hawaii starting Saturday so enjoy the break from my ramblings and take it easy too!

Aloha!

Pax

Victoria

Loving God

Today readers, is a letter to God from me

Thank you God for your special gift of Jesus on the Cross and for the special absolution today for my many sins.  I know that by your cross I am saved but I thank you for leading me to the Catholic Faith and for all the sacraments that it offers.

I love you God and know that you are with me every second of every day and that you have led me thus far and will not let me go now.

I lift all my suffering of having this disorder for the many lost souls in this world.  Those who do not know you, those who are misguided, those who speak without knowing what they are saying.  I know I am not perfect but that you are and in this I know my many mistakes are forgiven by you.  I humbly submit to your will wherever that path may take me.

I thank you for this gift of schizophrenia and even when I am not grateful due to all the suffering involved, may I always look to You in all things and be at peace knowing that I am not running the world and that even though I think I may know your will please continue to guide me in all I do and bless everyone reading this please.

In Jesus through Mary,

Victoria

 

Therapy helped with psychotic moment…

Dear readers,

I believe we are vulnerable people. Stress, lack of sleep, illness and remembering our past psychotic experiences can be problematic as is what happened to me yesterday. I experienced all of this in one day and I also believe the devil was at play because of yesterday’s post about Jesus being the way, the truth and the light…

By the end of the day I was a wreck and one of my memories before meds and diagnosis is of the voice of Jesus telling me 5 things, all but one of which have come to be in a weird and disordered way. The fifth thing is about one of my children and I won’t get into it but did discuss it with my therapist recently as an event is coming to pass which will mean that it was not the voice of Jesus. She challenge the voice and its meaning and I defended my position that I knew what the voice meant and it did not help me.

When people challenge my delusions I become angry and unreasonable. This is a sign that it is a delusion I have learned.

Well yesterday in a fit of confusion and psychotic moment I wrote in my journal, very weak and in pencil, help me God, help me God, help me God. Then I started to write about my fears but erased it because my husband came in and said I looked ok but looks can be wrong. I had prompted this response from him but knew I just couldn’t share my fears with him at this point. Prior to meds God told me he was going to die and I told him and he thought I was nuts naturally. When he didn’t die I was greatly relieved as God also told me when it would happen. I held my breath all of the month of September 2007. Once again things did not work out.

I should really take a look at how confused I was from 2016 to 2018 and not believe any of it. But delusions are strong and fierce and I never know what will set them off.

Anyway after I wrote to God to help me I had the excellent idea to call my therapist for a phone session. I talked to her later that night and it was very helpful this time. She gently helped me to see things for what they really were about my son and what I thought Jesus had told me. Gently worked because it was beautifully said and received and I no longer believe it was the voice of Jesus but that it was my disorder instead. This is great recovery from a mental disorder.

I have recently shared that my other delusions were smashed. And that was painful. Might bring it up to my therapist next session. May God help her! This is the longest I have seen the same therapist ever. And although she isn’t perfect she is a very good sounding board.

I decided to take a break from the computer as that also was a factor in my demise into delusions again yesterday. But I wanted to share with anyone who reads this the chain of events that has led to this recovery state of being less delusional. My friends and family try to help but in the end it is my therapist who is most helpful.

I have made a few decisions after reading my bible and really trying to disconnect from electronics and toxic people. I decided to delete my email from my phone for this blog. With all the projects coming up I check it way too often and honestly don’t want to be as accessible at the drop of a hat.

I also decided that I am going to choose isolation in preference to people’s company. I have a few good friends but lately most of these gatherings leave me in a state of discontent. A good friend of mine is having surgery Monday so I will go visit her but not overstay or visit too much. My family will be the awesome exception as God gave them to me and I enjoy being with them and being myself which is kind and sometimes funny. I had the giggles the other day as my children were really being funny and it was great fun.

Off to Hawaii soon and will be taking a break from blogging and computer during vacation. I love to snorkel! Just saying. I looked up the meaning of Aloha yesterday and knew it meant more than hello and goodbye and read it also means love and affection especially the spirit of aloha. Very fitting for my son’s wedding and possible grandchild they will be trying to conceive on their honeymoon. So much good stuff to look forward to.

I also have my video for SAMSHA on March 23rd an all day event I have found out. They are filming it in a local hotel and asked me to bring personal items to make it look more like home. I will bring my favorite pics of my family for sure but am also wondering what else to bring. Anybody have any suggestions email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Thanks and God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Does one still suffer from Schizophrenia in recovery?

Dear readers,

Yes and no. Some days are still hard for me but other days are wonderful. I think it may be mind over matter. I prayed to be able to suffer for God and was given the gift of Schizophrenia and much suffering ensued. I lift up all my suffering for those who suffer as well not only with this disorder but also for those impoverished, ignored, unstable for any reason and especially those who have no one to pray for them.

I believe God hears my prayers and although there are days I wish I didn’t pray that prayer, today is not one of them.

I am developing new habits and accomplishing much, spiritual, physical and mental. I read a book recently (can’t remember the title) and it was about how to change your life through habits.

Every day we have a thousand decisions to make and every day we waste time and energy on these decisions. Well the key to success for me is to no longer make these decisions but to have them made for me as habits.

Getting into the habit of reading my bible, praying my rosary, doing my workouts, cleaning my house and space clearing my junk or treasures to someone else that they may help along this road we call life.

Today I woke up early and was going to go back to bed but then I got busy taking care of the mundane and no longer felt the need to go back to bed.

So to answer my original posted question. Not so much anymore today. Because I am so much more than my disorder. I am who God made me to be and although I have been on a new spiritual journey these past 12 hours have realized that I already know the meaning to life. I don’t have to seek out a spiritual guide because the answer is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the light of the world. And although He allows our suffering to exist although sometimes we get stuck all of our suffering is for a purpose and all we have to do is ask Him into our hearts and He will enter.

Our God is a kind benevolent God who will not dare to impose himself on us unless we are Paul of Taurus. He comes in when we ask, and all we have to do is ask. Jesus suffered so much as did His mother. Was it for naught? I know it is not so. His redemptive grace is just that, it saves us and we can walk in the light if we choose to or continue on in the darkness due to our selfish ways.

All we have to do is ask the Holy Spirit to guide us in our days and He will lead us to places beyond our imaginations. And as people with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder our imaginations are pretty awesome and vast.

I am blessed to be a child of God and need nothing more in my life. Possessions don’t possess me. Although I have my many comforts in life I am starting to realize that I don’t even need them anymore. But they are there when I need them.

Pax

Victoria

With suffering comes pearls…

Just wanted to add to today’s post something that I read after posting, that I see as something for all of us. That is that with suffering comes pearls so I am going to be a great big pearl now and in heaven one day.

I see much of my angst as being an attack from the devil for all the good that I may do with this upcoming video and other endeavours in the future.

My delusions may be smashed but I no longer feel sad about it.

I can make the difference that I wish to see in the world and that is one small person who will speak up for all of us who have no voice. The mentally disordered population. I will fight stigma and that is now my main purpose in life.

It feels good to know that I will be doing good and I am going to run with it. I must fight against negative habits one at a time or maybe all at once and live a life that makes sense that there is a God who loves us all and wants each one of us to live the very best life we can, disorder and all.

I am a fighter and will not give up or in to negative behaviors!

Peace to you all.

I will leave you today with a quote from a huge book I found yesterday that was my father’s who has so much wisdom I think he got much of it from this book called The New Dictionary of Thoughts which is 750 pages. It inspires me greatly.

I must fill my mind with scripture and good reading to fight the apathy and when I can’t I will look back at my life and see how far I have come in these past eleven years…

“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy~ ” Mrs. Hermans

Pax

Victoria

Featuring non-profit Students with Schizophrenia

Dear readers,

On my trip to Boston I met an intelligent young lady with Schizophrenia who was the CEO for Students with Schizophrenia Her work is admirable especially reaching out to students as the name indicates.

If you you are a student with Schizophrenia you might want to apply to get involved with this organization at your school. Let’s support organizations like these that promote de-stigmatization and reach many.

On a personal note I am doing just ok these days. The trip was a high for me being involved again in something worthwhile and feeling like I have a purpose. Isn’t that what we all want is to know what our purpose is in life?

For me now that I am no longer working I have decided to become a spokesperson for people with Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder to put a face on these disorders so that others will get help and feel less alone through the rough times.

I am most likely going to be doing the ad for SAMSHA end of March. This will be a great start and one I am looking forward to. I am also still awaiting further opportunities with Snow Companies as a patient ambassador (although I hate the term patient, I am not sick, I have a disorder). But if I am selected for this will be doing speaking engagements around the country and we shall see what God permits.

I haven’t been blogging much because I don’t have much to say these days. I know God is good and that I am doing better than ever on my medicine regimen and seeing a therapist as needed. Not too much drama happy to report but again with drama there is excitement and without it I get bored.

I feel like I am boring lately so will have to find my inspiration again and get back to my daily blog.

Thanks for reading and check out Students with Schizophrenia if that interests you!

Pax

Victoria

Back from Boston…

Dear readers,

I missed all of you more than you will know. I am just back from Boston and ate my dinner and couldn’t wait to post this blog which I wrote on the plane on my way there and will catch you up on my trip to Boston tomorrow… It was an insightful trip and I was able to share openly about my disorder which was surreal to sit at a dinner table with many people and be able to share my experiences with having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder!

Going to unpack and unwind and will blog more tomorrow…

God bless you all!

Blog from plane~

 I know I will need to be on medication the rest of my life. Read part of an article on plane and had to throw it away as it said the opposite of how I see things. Medication keeps the disorder away, the voices, the strange commands. The messages from God! Every now and then God will speak to me but very rare. I know pretty much everything He wants from me it is kindness and patience and dare I say love ❤️ !

A term that is way overused but sorry I am digressing; I need to be on medication for the rest of my life, just sayin! Just last year was all screwed up not being on them and have tried when first diagnosed and once again suicidal and delusional. This isn’t something to mess with seriously I thought the gas prices were related to my mental health condition even had my psychiatrist scratching his head but that has also been the case before convincing other mentally sound people that I was some great mystic that was hearing from God but things just didn’t work out so the proof is not there.

There I go again with my delusions back and forthness all mixed up. If people want to know the true me just get me started talking about these mysteries! This disorder is so complex and tricky- positive and negative symptoms plus depression if you’re like me and have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and later schizoaffective disorder with bipolar tendencies and ocd.

That’s a mouthful but it’s all true and pardon me for saying but I’m proud of everything I accomplish in everything I do . Its fricking awesome. And now across the country to sit on an advisory board to talk maybe about my blog and schizophrenia and who knows what else!!! There I’m done ranting about my accomplishments despite my prognosis. See you in Boston…

Pax

Victoria

Struggles and Successes…

Dear readers,

It is early, went to bed early and I sleep my 8 hours faithfully every night.

I have sure had a roller coaster ride lately. Much sadness and good things too. And I am dealing with it the best way I know possible.

With the scare of my mom losing her full memory, seeing my dad a lot who has lost most of his memory due to a major stroke and then another one, and then the good news of a new journey for me in speaking up for our mental disorders I am all tuckered out.

My daily struggles are just that and although yesterday was an amazing day it still sits with me that this disorder is always right there waiting for me to give in to feelings of despair or despondency….

Some days I struggle to find something in my purse. Yet other days I am alert and ready to conquer anything and everything almost. But when I am busy like yesterday (ate lunch with my mom, went shopping for Boston with a friend and then later by myself to stock up on food while I am away, I get to a point where I just need to be alone and it usually takes a whole day to be alone and regroup but today is another busy social day.

I am taking my mom to Mass, and shopping for her and then my son and fiance are coming over for a bbq. No alone time till the night except for right now till ten.

If there is something I know I have to do I do it. And when I am working I have a schedule of some sort but the days now sort of blend together as I jump between alone time and social activities. But not working I have more down days than I care to admit but that is just how it is.

My struggles are real and I pray often to the Holy Spirit for guidance and direction for my day and it is amazing how He always answers me.

It’s weird because I have been feeling deep emotions again and I think that is due to the new antidepressant meds. When I look back at my old blogs I think that I have come a long way yet I am doing worse than other years. I still can’t believe that I earned my Master’s in Psychology post diagnosis. But I am a good student although I am definitely done with school.

But when I look back to 2008 when I was first diagnosed and now 2019 knowing everything I have been through I think I am very fragile and know that stress brings on a relapse of sorts. Although I am not in a relapse right now I struggle to get through each day where before it wasn’t the case.

I see my psychiatrist every month now where before I would go 3 months between visits. But he really helps me to balance my highs and lows so even though he is an hour away I make the trip and feel it is necessary. Perhaps I will be able to go back to three months in between but for now every month is where I am at.

I know I am deeply affected when my loved ones are sick or travelling. But I have much faith in God to see me through all of this and although I may not constantly be able to look to Heaven for help, He hears my pleas for assistance and although lately it seems He is slow to answer He always does.

Time in heaven is not like our time on earth.

Anyway around it it is an amazing journey to walk with Christ…

Pax

Victoria